---

 

I woke up by the sound of my stupid alarm clock.. or was it? I got another painful dream. And this time it was the time when he told me that he loves her very much. I heave a deep sigh and sit up on my bed, I quickly roam my gaze around my room and to my clock.

7:55 am. .

I'm late, very late. I thought. Oh well, it's our math class and I don't want to go anyway.. not because I hate the teacher and the subject, even though I don't do well in math subjects I strive hard not to fail it. It's just that I don't feel like going right now, maybe because I'm sick? No, it's because I don't want to see her.. with him.

Holding his hands and intertwining them infront of me.

Exchanging gazes with him.

And saying I love you to her.

 

 

kring! kring! kring! Oh? I heard my phone ringing on my desk so I took the time to stand up and pick it up then see who it was. sighs.

 

Jiyong oppa.

 

Should I pick it up? Should I not pick it up? I shake my head and eventually decided not to answer it. I chose not to go to class today because of him and now even at home, his presence lingers? I gather all my courage to end the call, meaning cancelling it and it's the first time! I never end calls, especially when it comes to him. Because of course I want to talk to him, I want to say all the things I want to say well except one... "I love you, Jiyong-ah" I whisper under my breaths. I quickly put my phone back on my desk and jumps on my bed, rolling on it. Ugh. I hate this. I hate what I am feeling right now. I hate that I love you so. 

 

kring! kring! kring! I look at my phone on my desk again and sighs. Go away! Shut up phone or else I'll kill you!! I threatened my phone, crazy isn't it? Now, I'm speaking to my phone. Damn. But then it rings again. "What the--!! Yah! Do you want to die that bad huh!?" I shouted as I stand up and take my phone and point at it. And I pressed end call again. "Please.. don't" I pray, hoping that he won't call again and he didn't, but instead a message came in and it was from him.

 

From: Jiyong oppa.

Answer it or I'll throw Gaho at you later. 

 

Scoffs. Yeah right. Like hell you would come here and bring Gaho.. I know you won't come here because I know you'll be with her and I know you like being with her, right? I said inside my head and looking at my phone when another message came in again.

 

From: Jiyong oppa.

Seriously answer it. I'm worried, why aren't you answering my calls? Are you ignoring or avoiding me?

 

Yes. Yes I do. I don't want to see you, smell you, or hear you. It might make me fall in love with you again.. so ing hard. And it hurts so bad. It's painful. Your kindness and comforts is a venom.. a poison to me. It's making me die. 

 

To: Jiyong oppa.

No.

 

I replied. To give him answer. So that it'll make him stop calling me right? And I don't have to press end call the whole time.

 

From: Jiyong oppa.

No? You're lying you know. I know you since we were just kids noona. Don't lie it's making me sad.

 

Sad? Because of me? I doubt that... and yes you know me to well. That it's making me think if I know myself, you know my favorite color, food, movies, songs and whenever I'm sad, angry, happy or lying you know them all. No, no, no. I smiled, I realized you don't know me not my whole self that is. You don't even know that I love you, right? 

 

To: Jiyong oppa.

Ahrasso ahrasso. But really I'm not avoiding you, it's just that I'm not feeling well and I don't feel like talking to people.

 

From: Jiyong oppa.

Even me? Ouch. Are you really sick? Kiko didn't told me though, but okay.. I'll go there in you house with her, we'll bring the copies for our lessons today :)

 

We. I faked a smile but tears starts to form along my eyes, when did I start crying whenever he says "we"? Was it during our highschool time? Was it during graduation? or was it during her birthday?

 

I heave another sigh. I didn't even bother to reply to his message and quickly change my clothes from pajamas to casual clothes. I don't want to stay in this room, it's making me cry even more. This was one of the places where I'm free to look at him, whenever we play games on my playstation I pretend to be focus on the game but the truth is I'm looking at him and not on the screen. 

 

I run downstairs and found no one. I took my scarf and jacket. Oh? I forgot it's already winter and my birthday is up but when was it? Should I be happy? Heol is that even a question? I should be happy of course! Well... for my birthday I should. I immediately got out from our house and starts to stroll down along the sidewalk and look up to see the small snow flakes falling down. It's beautiful, it's pure and innocent. I wonder if my love for him is like this snow flakes also, maybe it's just for this time and it'll be gone in no time. But I wonder why it hurts so much? Why is it so painful? Maybe because I fell inlove with you since we were young.. and then in a blink of an eye you're gone. I didn't even let you go though until this time, I hold unto you..but why did you go? Maybe my grip was not enough? 

 

I continue to walk until I realize that I reach the playground. Where I first met him, on that swing where I feel like all my fears were gone, but I realize now because of that swing I created the most fearful thing. Loving you. I hope I didn't met you, I hope I don't love you. I hope.

 

I sat on the swing and move forward and backward, for a moment I forgot all the things around my head just a pure playfulness. I swing like I never got a problem it feels like the wind blew them all away from me. The feeling is cold not only because of the snow but also inside me, inside my heart but for a moment just right now it feels like I'm loved but I know I'm not.. I stopped. And look up to the sky, I smiled faintly trying to remember that time. I'm so childish, I chuckled to myself.

 

 

 

"Yah! Oppa! Tie this string to your pinky!!" a little girl shouted and holds his hand like proposing to him but no I'm not, maybe a little?

 

"Eyy! Noona I told you, don't call me oppa! You're older than me!" he replied and scratched his head and rolled some small snow balls.

 

"I don't care! I love calling you oppa! And yah tie this now!" I insisted, he stares at me confusely and tilts his head. "Just do it!" I shouted again and he chuckled as he tries to tie the red string around his pinky, I smiled and hugged him.

 

"Anyway what's this for?" he asked while laughing as he caressed my hair. It's so warm, the way he hugged me, I don't feel those butterflies inside my stomach but instead I feel something burning inside me.. in my chest. "It's a promise!" I said and smiled at him as I showed my hand tied with the other end of the red string connected to him "Promise? About what?" he asked. 

 

"A promise to never let go of each other's hand! Okay? Promise, Jiyong-ah?" I looked at him and stare at his beautiful brown eyes which I think he inherit from his mother.

 

He look at me like the way I look at him and smiled at me, "I promise, Dara" he said and I laughed silently when I heard him say my name. 

 

"What? What's wrong?" he pouted and I poked his lips and shook my head, "Nothing, it's just that oppa looks so cute saying my name!" I stuck my tongue out

 

"Eyyy! You meanie noona!" he said and flicked my forehead and I just smiled.

 

 

 

Tears starts to roll on my cheeks and it burns. I feel its hotness on my bare skin. "Why am I crying for a memory like that?" I chuckled bitterly and sighs heavily. "I shouldn't do this. I should get over this!" More tears running down. ! Why?! I should stop crying.. but why!? Why can't I stop? 

 

Because it hurts. It's painful. 

 

I held my head down and just let all the pain consume my heart.. for now, I'll let it all out! If I can lie infront of him, then atleast I'm not lying to myself anymore, holding all these tears and pain inside me where I know I can't always keep it in. It's ripping me inside. It's torturing me ever since I realize that I love him. I cried.. a lot.

 

 

 

kring! kring! kring! My phone? I took out my phone and answered it without looking at who's calling.

 

"YAH! Where are you!? Why I can't find you!? YAH! I'm at your house!" Jiyong's voice resonates through the phone that it hurts my ear. Pabo as always!

 

"Yah. Can you lower your voice? My right ear hurts!" I replied calmly and monotoned as possible so he won't notice that I've been crying a lot.

 

"Aish! Just answer me! I thought you were sick? Where are you?" he said loudly. Ugh! Seriously! My ears!! 

 

"Yah Jiyong. Shut up will you? Okay I lied! I'm not sick I just don't like going to school earlier and yeah I took some walk away from home. I just need some fresh air" I said the truth and lied again. I didn't go for fresh air, I took a walk hoping that every step I'll take will make every memory with him gone and leave no trace inside my mind and heart.

 

"I'm just worried about you noona.." he said calmly. Thank God my ears!!

 

"You don't have to, just leave those notes on our living room and you can go home" I said with no rising nor falling intonations. In short, no emotions.

 

"I'll just put this in your room then--" he said when I cut him off, "No! Just leave it there in the living room. Thank you." I replied

 

"Noona.. what's wrong? Are you really okay?" He suddenly asked which made me taken back. "Uhh yeah of course I am. And please? Just do it" I said.

 

"Fine, I'll be going now" he replied and I immediately end the call. Sighs. I'm sorry Jiyong-ah, but I think this is the best. I'll be the best bestfriend I'll remove all this emotions inside me towards you. I'll forget all my feelings. Thank You.

 

 

 

"Dara.." I flinched when I heard that familiar voice. No it can't be. I turned around and saw him there, standing beside the swing, I played earlier.

 

"Jiyong, why are you here?" I asked and walk towards him. "Lucky guess" he replied.

 

"Why?" I asked and looked at him, confused. "Well, I was really worried when I called you so I decided to find you after I placed the copies on the table. And I'm right! You'd be here!" he chuckled and look around as I did the same.

 

"You don't have to be worried though, I'm fine and you should be with Kiko unnie now, today is Christmas Eve and I know unnie wants to celebrate it with you" I nodded as I pushed the swing playfully while avoiding his gaze.

 

"But it's your birthday, Dara" he looked at me and stop my hand from pushing the swing. 

 

My birthday? Oh my God. I totally forgot about it! Today is my birthday and I forgot about it. Is it because I've been thinking about things? 

 

"Oh yeah! Haha. Maybe that's why mom was not at home" I chuckled fakely and hoping he'll just let it all pass.

 

"Dara seriously, you're not okay. Tell me what's bothering you" he stare at me seriously and it's making me blush. I swear I can feel that my cheeks are turning shade of pink right now.

 

"Nothing I'm just thinking about things" I smiled innocently and taps his shoulder. "What things?" he said

 

"Things like going to States and live with my Dad" I said and smiled at him as I watched his eyes widened and I can see horror and sadness? Why? 

 

"...suddenly!? Why? Tell me..!!" he stuttered and I just laughed at his reactions. He shouldn't be like this. I mean I'm not that special. Well, he said I'm special to him because of course, we're friends but I know I'm not like her, very special to him.

 

"Well.. it'll be 2 years and we're gonna graduate but I'm thinking of studying at States and besides I promise my Dad I would go and live with him for awhile, you know my Dad, even though my parents are divorced they're the same when it comes to me and Sanghyun. And my mom knew about this already" I said and ruffled his hair when he suddenly grab my wrist and looked at me.

 

"Then what about our promise? To never let go of each other's hand?" he asked me seriously. 

 

He didn't forgot? The promise? But why? You got someone very special, more special than me to hold your hand now. I'm no longer needed to take your hand just like before. And now, I decided to start cutting that red string that I connect us. It was not supposed to be tied to you and to me, I ruined the fate of me. So you should start letting go of my hand and start untying that red string, because I know it's just me who's hoping until the end.

 

"Eyy! You're big enough Jiyong-ah! And besides that promise was made when we were little and you know how playful I am!" I chuckled and lied. Yes, I still love this jerk but what can I do. This is the destiny of me and you. I should remove all this emotions and just see you as a friend no more, no less.

 

"But not to me. I kept that promise" he said and I think he can see shockness in my face right now.

 

No, you didn't. You actually let it go slowly the moment you told me you love her. And now you really need to let go of my hand completely. Please. Let me get over this because I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to run away. Away from you.

 

"No you didn't Jiyong-ah and I'm quite happy that I realize that now. So I hope you'll realize that also. Right now, I'm happy that I'm your friend and I promise I will always support you but you need to hold your hand with someone who's more special than me. You've grown Jiyong-ah and it's my time to grow up too. So thank you so much, chingu" I said and releases my hand in his grip, "and oh, thanks for the greet! You're the first one to greet me again! Okay! I'll go home now, mom might be at home now! Thanks Jiyong-ah, really. Thanks!" I said and start running away from him as fast as I could, wanting to escape the cage.

 

And goodbye.

 

 

 

I stood there, silence filled me. Why? Why did you just let her go away like that? Why are you standing still? You should run after her and ask! 

 

"! Why!?" I scratched my head and cursed silently as I kicked the snow around me.

 

Chingu!? Why does my heart hurts when I heard that word? I know we're friends but why? Suddenly I feel like something is poking my heart with needles that I feel like it's bleeding inside. 

 

More special than you? But you're my most special someone. I want to hold your hand forever even if we'll die I'll hold your hand. I never thought of letting it go but why did you said those painful words? Saying I didn't keep my promise where in fact I did. I never leave you and let go of your hand, up until now. You're the one who's breaking it. You liar.

 

I take some deep sighs and walk around the playground remembering all the things we did here. She takes my hand and drag me along with her. My other friends thinks I'm just enduring the annoyance cause by her but no. I feel happy being with her. I'm glad I met her because of her my world turns colorful from black and white. She never leave my face with a frown or scowl. Always leaving me a smile written on my face. 

 

I'm so happy when she suddenly let me tie a red string on my pinky. I don't know what is it, but when she told me that it's a promise to never let go of each other's hand. I was so thrilled and my heart drums inside me.

 

Without knowing I reached the tree. The tree which is standing at the very corner of the playground. It's always alone. It was the only tree growing in that area that's why we always play around it when we're done playing at the swing. Dara always thought of it as a friend. She never forgets to visit it everytime we go here. I walk around it and found something on the tree. She always love to hang bottles on the branches and leave letters inside it, she always warned me not to open it because it's wishes. 

 

But I saw something new. It was a bottle with black paper. I wonder what it is? I look up and saw all the bottles with white paper. Hm? Why black paper? I took the courage to take it and open it. And suddenly pain hit me...

 

"I love you so much, Jiyong-ah and I'm sorry for loving you like this. Not as your bestfriend but as a girl, as a human. But I know you already have someone special inside your heart and I hope you'll tie the red string to someone very very special to you and I'll support you. I didn't bother to tell you this because I know it'll ruined our friendship and I don't want that. In the end, I know I'm just the friend. Just a friend. Thanks for everything chingu"

 

I read the letter and suddenly tears fell down. I regret reading this. I regret everything. 

 

'Just a friend'