September 9th, 2009 @ 7.02PM

 

 

It has just been a week since I returned to Korea after spending four years living abroad. I came back because of two reasons; the first one is because of my business and the second one is because of the batch reunion. What I meant by batch reunion is the reunion of ex-law students of Hanyang University of Law School. Yes, I was a law student and used to further my tertiary studies in Hanyang Univeristy and finally graduated there before living abroad to work as an international lawyer. There was a short summer back in Manhattan so the reunion was held in just the perfect time since all of us could make it to the reunion, which is TODAY. I am now getting myself ready to the reunion party. I am feeling anxious and excited at the same time, I could not wait to meet all my old friends!

 

 

8.30PM @ The Spring Hotel

 

 

I walked into the ballroom after giving my short details to the receptionist. The room was large enough to accommodate about 300 of us. I walked in slowly and looked around to see if there is some people I recognized and kept in contact. I spotted Chae Rin, my friend who works in Manhattan with me. She was waving at me so I make my way towards the vacant seat next to her.

 

“Chae Rin-ah! I thought you’re not going!” I said.

 

“Aneyo, how could I not? This is the party that I had been waiting for all this while; I’m glad that our Student Council could meet up and organize this event for us to gather again. Worth a flight from Manhattan though,” She giggled.

 

I laughed. “I know right. Just looking at the others make me feel nostalgic for some reasons. So many memories and I’m sure we all do have lots of things to catch up!”

 

I continued talking to Chae Rin and we walked around the room to talk and catch up with some other friends. And I stopped when there was a guy standing just right in front of me. His hair was long and wavy but he got it all tied up, he was wearing a black suit and was few inches taller than me. I just stood there stiffly in front of him. Our eyes met and we look at each other in the eyes for quite a while. My body was stiffened. My legs just won’t walk away; my eyes just won’t look away. I studied his face. His expression was emotionless the second I looked at him, but I saw his lips forming a sweet smile after staring for quite a while.

 

“Annyeong,” he smiled.

 

“A..an..yeong, O..ppa.” I said, awkwardly confused, I slightly bowed to him. He laughed.

 

“Yah, why are you doing that? You’re so funny as usual.” he shook his head, laughing at me.

 

“Deh?” I asked.

 

He was a bit more relaxed that I am. Ani. I am not relaxed at all, unlike him. He was calm and cool. He hasn’t changed after all this years, I thought.

He looked away and then sighed while still having a smile on his face. “It’s been a while, right?” he asked.

 

I was still shocked that I could not speak to him. All that I managed to say was “Excuse me” and walked away towards the toilet.

In the toilet…

 

“What are you thinking? It’s all in the past, Sae Hyun, pull yourself together!” I slapped my face and knocked my head hard.

 

That guy suddenly appeared and silenced me for a moment. Yes, that guy, Jang Keun Suk. He was my first love back when I was in my second year of Degree. We have loved each other for two years and broke up due to some conflicts of trust, change and differences that each of us could not tolerate with. I did not know why I was startled and remained speechless when I faced him just now but I take it as reflex action. That is what you’d probably experience when you bump into your ex after a long time. YOUR FIRST LOVE. I washed my face and wiped it all out and then took a deep breath before leaving the toilet.

 

I headed back to the ballroom and search for Keun Suk and finally found him at the corner side of the hall, talking to his friends, while his hand was holding a glass of champagne while the other hand was in his pocket. Same habit, I thought myself.

 

“Excuse me, Keun Suk Oppa.” He turned around to face me. I smiled.

 

“Sae Hyun-ah, where did you go just now? You just left. Are you okay?” he asked.

 

“Yes, I’m fine. Can we go somewhere else to talk? We sure have lots to catch up.” I said.

 

“Sure,” he said, “Guys, see you later, okay?” he left his friends and walked with me to the small fountain outside the Hotel.

 

“How are you doing? You didn’t tell me that you left to overseas.” He pouted.

 

I laughed. “Mianhae, it happened too fast I couldn’t even bid you goodbye. I’m fine now, never been better. How about you, Oppa?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine too, thanks.” He smiled. He was always smiling throughout our conversation. God, how I miss seeing him smiling like this. We talked about eeverything. Firstly about the weather, then our careers, our families, and finally the nostalgic ones.

 

He sighed. “Time does pass by quickly, don’t you think?” he asked.

 

“Agreed. How I wish time could stop just for a while and let me treasure all those sweet moments I have spent.” I said.

 

“Sweet moments? And what are those moments?” he asked.

 

“Well…my memories since childhood, the sweet ones of course, and the memories of middle school and high school, those times when we were still immature,” I laughed. “And not to mention…the memories of university times.” I turned to face him and smiled.

 

“Like what?” he asked and both of us remained silent for a while before he coughed and broke the silence.

 

“I’m sorry.” He said.

 

“Ani, gwenchana, oppa. I’m fine with it. It’s just that I..” I paused.

 

“You…?” he anticipated.

 

“It’s just that those memories of us together always lead me to remembering the bad ones.” I looked down.

 

Guilt suddenly rushed through my whole body and I felt tears filled my eyes and almost dropped down to my cheek. I turned my face away from him to wipe off those tears. I could slightly see that he was watching me so there was no point of hiding it all from him. My body started to shake and I sobbed. He touched my shoulder; held my face and turned it back to face him. I was still looking down and could not face him directly. I could not see him directly in the eyes. But he held my chin and lifted it up slowly to have me look at him.

 

He remained silent while his eyes were looking through my watery eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, Oppa. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t love you right. I’m sorry for not being good enough for you. I’m sorry-“ Keun Suk pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight.

 

“Shhhh.” He hushed me, trying to calm me down but I sobbed into his arms.

 

“Ani, Oppa. Let me finish. I’ve done so many wrong things towards you and I’m so sorry. I know sorry isn’t enough after all you’ve been through because of me. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you the night you asked to meet at Namsan Tower during our second anniversary. I’m sorry I left two minutes after twelve when you didn’t show up and have you waited for me all night. I’m sorry I ruined the chance of us getting back together after all the efforts you’ve put in for it. I’m sorry for treating you like property. I’m sorry that I gave up on us when you never did.” I apologized, backing away from the hug.

 

“Past is past, Sae Hyun and there’s nothing else you can do. I’m glad that I’ve gone through all the sufferings and I am over it now. I’m happy to have come back now and could face you normally now, Sae Hyun. It took me all my powers to walk away from you and never come back. It was hard to let you go at first, but as time passes I realized that there is no point of holding on, and so I let you go, and tried to move on. Even though I suffered so much because of us, I’m glad that it happened. I learnt a lot from it, Sae Hyun and I’m sure you learnt a lot too.” He said.

 

“Yes. After I left you I began to realize how mean I was to you. I was never serious in our relationship and I even made it worse when it has already on the verge of breaking down. You tried so hard to protect but I ruined it all. I realized that I have been mistreating you and never loved you right. I took things for granted and when you’re gone, that was when I realized that I’ve missed having you around and could not stop thinking about you. And that was when I realized that I loved you and felt regret for leaving you and breaking up with you. And I realized that you will never come back to me after all the things I did to you so I tried to move on and take it as a life lesson for me. Oppa, I have been holding these guilty feelings for years, and somehow I feel relieved now that I have confessed everything to you. I’m sorry again, Oppa.” I said, finally managed to look at him calmly in the eyes.

 

“Its okay, Sae Hyun. Every cloud has a silver lining. I’m sure there are a lot of good things that come from it. At least you have let go of your ego and confessed everything to me tonight.” He cracked a joke and we laughed.

 

“Thank you, Oppa. For forgiving me. Life is too cruel; I was blind back when we were together. Why did we not realize that we’re actually in love until we lost them?”

 

“It’s probably because God have something better for us. And give us something to learn in life.” He said.

 

“I wish I can change the time, go back to the time when we were together and make things right. And never break that heart of yours. I feel bad now that I have a crime record of breaking someone’s heart.” I joked. We laughed.

 

“But seriously, if you’re given a chance would you fix everything?” he asked.

 

“I wish! If we are to love again I swear I’d love you right. I want to go back in time and change it but obviously I can’t.” I gave him a  smile. A smile that has a feeling of remorse that lies behind it. A regretful feeling, while wishing for a time machine to make things right again.

 

“And why is that so?” he laughed why still laughing.

 

“Well, (A) you can’t turn back the time, there’s no time machine. And (B) we don’t have feelings for each other again, don’t we?"

 

“Yeah.. And how about C?” he asked.

 

“Hmm, repetition of what I just said?” I laughed.

 

“Ahh wait, no no no. There is a C.” I said again.

 

“What is it?” he asked.

 

“C, it’s because both of us have a special partner already, don’t we?” I asked.

 

“How do you know? Are you stalking me?” he asked while pointing his index finger towards me.

 

“Aneyo! I’m just guessing though. You’re good looking after all.” I said.

 

“Ehemmm. Of course I am. I have always been.” he smiled proudly.

 

“Tch. Show off.” I teased.

 

“So you do have a boyfriend? Wahh, well who is he?” he asked.

 

“You won’t know even if I tell you his name. And he is a Korean, by the way.” I said.

 

“Good. Is he any better than me?” he asked.

 

“He’s a lot more better!” I joked.

 

“This can’t happen!” we burst into laughter together. “Come, let’s go inside.” He invited.

 

The event went on very smoothly. We spent the whole night talking, singing, dancing and playing games. Keun Suk and I get along very well. Somehow I felt relieved after asking for his forgiveness for all the bad things I have done to him back when we were together. I know I have hurt him a lot. He was seriously clinging onto me and was holding onto me, but I broke his heart by saying that we were better off without each other because we could not protect each other and also the relationship. He tried so hard to protect it; but I ruined it at the end because I had not realized how much I loved him back then and that I began to realize after I let him go. Even though our relationship lasted for two years, we have never been happy ourselves. Getting a Law Degree was all that matters to me and it was above all my other needs. I didn’t take our relationship seriously and I abandoned him because of that. I was very committed with my studies and paid less attention to Keun Suk. And because of my greediness, I lost him at the end. What’s worst was that I realized that I loved him all along after I chose to left him, and that I could never come back to his side again. So I moved on, bringing together all my guilt.

 

To meet him here and talked and even laughed with him was unexpected. I’m somehow glad that we finally get to end it up cleanly after four years.

He was sitting right next to me when we were now watching some of our friends being the DJ of the night and taking song request from us. I was thinking of requesting a song to dedicate it to Keun Suk so I got up and go towards the DJ and handed him a piece of paper containing the title of the song that I requested. After I sat down, Keun Suk smiled at me as he got up and walked towards the DJ too. What? He is requesting a song as well? I shook my head and smiled.

 

**

“Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow friends, we have just listened to the song requested by our President of Student Council and now we are going to listen to a song which was requested by two people in this hall tonight. They are requesting the same song to be played. Let us all hear now, ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank, requested by our Kim Sae Hyun and Jang Keun Suk!”

 

I turned to face Keun Suk and he was doing the same too.

 

“Did you just..?” both of us widened our eyes in surprise, and then laughed.

 

“I wanted to dedicate this song to you.” I said.

 

“Actually, I wanted to dedicate this song to you too,” he said and our eyes met.

 

 

 

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is YOU

I smiled at him. He smiled too.

 

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

 

and the reason is you

and the reason is you

and the reason is you

 

Yes. You are the reason that I changed.

Because of you, I learn how to love people right.

And because of you, I learn to appreciate my loved ones.

 

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

 

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

 

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

 

….And our eyes were still looking at each other’s, our lips are still smiling at each other as tears of happiness started to fill in our eyes.

 

Thanks to you, I learnt a lot… I can finally move on. Goodbye, my first love.