Compared to the joyous and gratifying dinner he had with his family, it has been pretty wordless and cumbersome to be sitting alone with Donghae.

He knows he should have declined when the brunette asked him if they can talk just as he and his family were leaving. He’s pretty sure the knowing glance his father gave him indicated that he’ll back him up in case he rejected the invitation, but Hyukjae said yes. So his family went first and now he’s sitting quietly with Donghae.

He thinks part of the reason why he obliged is because he doesn’t want Donghae to get the wrong idea. Rejecting a chance for conversation can mean avoidance, and avoidance can be deduced as a sign that he still has feelings for him.

Not that it ever matter if he really does. It didn’t matter then. It wouldn’t matter now.

Donghae is still beautiful, like how Hyukjae thinks the man will always be. He dyed his hair black, and pushed it back. It somehow gives him the stern look, which Hyukjae thought to be intentional given that in a few months, he is officially taking the CEO post. It surprises him that albeit the big responsibility ahead, Donghae manages to put up his own restaurant. He doesn’t even have any idea that Donghae is interested in putting up a restaurant.

“I’ve always wanted to cook. I would have taken Culinary Arts if it isn’t for the company.” Donghae answers when Hyukjae opens up the topic. “I won’t be able to study it right now, or probably in the future. Managing a restaurant is the closest thing I could do.”

“I didn’t know you like cooking,” Hyukjae utters, surprise with the sudden information.

“Well it’s not like there was a chance to say,” Donghae answers, smiling as he stares down, a hand tentatively reaching for his nape. Hyukjae blinks, comprehending what Donghae just said.

“Enough of me,” Donghae utters, shaking away the coyness of being put in the spotlight. “How are you? How’s New York?” he asks with a smile, although Hyukjae can’t help but hear the uncertainty in his voice. It’s as if he isn’t confident to ask, as if he isn’t sure if he has the right to ask.

“Toxic.” Hyukjae tries to kid and smiles at the sound of Donghae’s cackle. “Surviving.” He adds and then he’s talking more than he ought to do so. “The first two months are stressful since we’re out on our own and none of us is even familiar with the city. It’s a good thing Luhan is naturally resourceful, we got through our classes and the culture shock together.”

“Luhan.”

Hyukjae stops chuckling when he hears his voice. Donghae is still beaming but it doesn’t need a keen eye to tell he isn’t as happy as he tries to show.

“He was the one with you, right? That guy from the office earlier,” Donghae asks and Hyukjae doesn’t even know why it hurts.

“Yeah,” he says and Donghae presses his lips together and nods. He shifts his gaze on his cold coffee, touching the cup’s handle but not really lifting it to take a sip.

“You look different,” Donghae says feebly, raising his head to meet his gaze. “With the clothes you wear… and your auburn hair.” Donghae utters, sparkly eyes feasting on his bright yellow cardigan and his month-old tinted hair Luhan persuaded him to do.

“You look happy.” Donghae finally remarks. Hyukjae has always believed he is. But why does he feel doubtful right now?

“I kinda have to. With all the youngsters I get to spend my days with, it’ll be a shame to be mistaken as a professor.” He tries to lighten up the mood but he knows there’s nothing he could say that would make Donghae smile truthfully.  Why is he sad?

Why does he even care?

“How about you?” Hyukjae asks, in another attempt to turn the conversation. “Besides looking like a legit executive.” He says and grins at the chuckle Donghae just makes. His smile suddenly drops though just as a thought strikes.

“Choi Won Il looks good too.” Hyukjae utters with a lump in his throat. “It seems you don’t need to wish for not having to leave Paris anymore.”

Donghae looks stunned. And Hyukjae has no idea why. There’s an inexplicable pain in his eyes that momentarily baffles Hyukjae. But it goes as quick as it has come.

“Won Il is great.” Donghae responds, blinking and heaving a sigh, shaking off whatever that was that Hyukjae saw in his eyes. “But he didn’t come here for me.”

Hyukjae stares back, speechless and startled.

“The company his working for is expanding and they’re working on creating a partnership with us here in Asia. It’ll probably be the first project I’ll be handling once I’m designated.” He explains, doing that thing with the cup’s handle again. But it’s not the reason Hyukjae wants to hear.

“You guys broke up?” He asks and it’s too late when he realizes he is stepping over the line he created himself.

Donghae doesn’t answer. But the faint smile he does quietly tells it all.

“Why?” Hyukjae asks, his fist slightly trembling over the table.

Donghae chuckles, but it is lifeless.

“Well, for starters, I .” He says, laughing but not really.

“I don’t love myself. That’s why I understand why he can’t either.” Donghae utters and pauses to meet his eyes. “That’s why I understand why no one wants to.”

Hyukjae feels his mouth dry up. He feels like there are so many things he wants to say but at the same time there’s none. There’s a jumble feelings, a mesh of thoughts, a need to breathe.

“I—,”he starts. But he doesn’t know how to continue. “I-I think I have to go. I need to—,” he gulps as he stands, knocking his empty cup of tea just as he does so. He places it back and he realizes he is trembling. Donghae stands as well and Hyukjae quickly shakes his head.

“I need to go first. I mean, I need to get ready for dad’s wedding tomorrow. A-And it’s getting late. I have to—,” Hyukjae stares at him only to avert it swiftly because he can’t handle seeing him like that.

Hurting.

Why is he hurting?

“I have to go.” Hyukjae states and the moment Donghae nods he scoots out of the place.

//

He doesn’t know why he’s in a hurry, not aware why he feels like running from something that isn’t even there. He is scurrying and then he is rushing, racing against nothing.

And then he stops. Several feet from his car, Hyukjae stops. He can feel his heart pounds, his breathing heavy. There are flashes of memories, of soft skin and sharp breaths, of the wee hours of the morning he’s up and staring at his face.

And then he turns back.

And he is running again.

//

“How could you say that?” He fumes, his face red, his lips trembling. The waiters and crew around decides to leave on their own and Donghae remains rooted on his spot, forlornly looking back at Hyukjae.

“How could you say no one wants to love you when you clearly know that I—,” he bites his lip, a sudden rush of emotion surging through his whole being. “That I was—I…”

Hyukjae is at lost for words but it seems like there isn’t a need for him to say anything because Donghae is before him, mirroring his tearful eyes and his pain.

“I know.” Donghae says in understanding. “But you left me.” He continues and Hyukjae feels his heart breaks along with his voice.

“You left me before I could say anything, before I had the chance to believe that you really do.” Donghae keeps on and everything Hyukjae wants to say gets stuck in his throat.

“Ever since you left, I keep thinking… were you really in love with me? Because I could never tell. You never made me feel that you do.”

“But how can I?” Hyukjae bellows when he finds his voice. “How can I make you see that I love you when I don’t even have the right to? When I know that you belong to someone else?”

Hyukjae doesn’t mean to shout and he swears he wants to take those all back the moment he lets it out. But he comprehends he doesn’t have the power to do that. And he has already hurt Donghae.

“I know,” Donghae whispers, nodding and wiping the tears that roll down his cheeks. “I know.” He mutters, taking heavy steps away from Hyukjae.

No. This shouldn’t happen, Hyukjae thinks as he watches Donghae trying to fix himself yet failing to. It isn’t Donghae’s fault they were in that situation, not the only one who agreed with the whole friends with benefits thing that happened. If there is anything, he is the one to blame. Because he fell in love.

“I’m sorry.” Hyukjae says and Donghae stops to face him again. “I’m sorry that I fell in love… and ed things up.”

“No… no, no don’t say that.” Donghae is shaking his head and then he is before Hyukjae again and cradling his face with his hands. “Don’t say that Hyukjae.” He says, tears streaming down on both their faces.

“It’s me who has to say sorry,” Donghae whispers and presses their foreheads together. “For not telling you sooner.”

Donghae pulls away just enough to see Hyukjae face, looking every bit of apologetic and troubled.

“Won Il and I broke up,” he softly admits and Hyukjae presses his hand over Donghae’s on his face and frowns.

“You already told me—,”

“No, no.” Donghae shakes his head and Hyukjae feels the way his hands shiver against his skin.

“We broke up,” Donghae supplies and after a short pause he finally says, “After that Valentine week in Paris.”

//

“Why?” Hyukjae mutters, taking Donghae’s hand slowly away from his face. “Are you kidding me? You must be, right?” He asks, letting their hands slip away.

“I’m not, listen Hyukjae—,” Donghae tries to hold on to him but he is quickly, harshly, pulling back and taking steps behind.

“It’s already been rough with him okay? We’re already having problems even before we—Even before we happened.” Donghae clarifies.

“But you said—you wished that night, that you would never have to leave Paris again. And you were excited. You were happy!” Hyukjae is raising his voice again but he can’t will himself to stop.

“Because I—,”

“Wait. You know what? I don’t care.” Hyukjae barks even before Donghae could say anything. “I don’t even know why I was back here. I’m supposed to be over this. I’m supposed to be over y—,” Hyukjae bites his lip and stares back at the wide-eyed Donghae. In the end he still doesn’t have the guts to bare everything.

“I’m leaving.” He says with