As Jong Dae look up to the sky above him twinkle and fade away, he thought of how little time he has left and how little he could do about it.

To my beloved best friend,

Park Chan Yeol.

In this letter, there's an important thing I want to tell you.

(and a favor I want to ask)

November 2007

"Why are we friends?" I asked Chan Yeol as he wiped up the blood spilling from the gash on my mouth. The silence before was only filled with my manly screams as Chan Yeol dabbed medicine he claim would make it better when it suits as a nuisance right now. That was the last time I'm ever going to join a 'harmless' game of dodgeball.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," I added impatiently. Why doesn't he just get it? He usually does. "Why do you put up with me? With us." I waved my hand toward the direction of our friends sitting around playing with the ball that caused my split lip.

Kyung Soo who we're all convinced is the spawn of Satan behind the squishy exterior, Kris who you may assume was cool until he opens his mouth and does something stupid that his cool exterior can't hide, Luhan who deemed himself as a manly man but screams at fake ghosts and cries at sad movies and Sehun who maintains a prefect pokerface until he whines at you to buy him things.

"Because we are friends." Chan Yeol replied simply while squeezing my hand because the medicine stings.

"But you are so normal." I complained again and Chan Yeol has his I'm-used-to-this face on. "Why would you hang out with a bunch of weirdoes like us?"

Ignoring the protests from the others that they weren't weirdoes, Chan Yeol smiled at me before replying, "Someone has got to balance this group out and be the one to pick up the pieces when everything goes wrong."

"You're too nice to me."

"I know."

I'm so sorry that I can't be around.

(but it doesn't mean I don't miss the both of you)

March 2012

The three of us were on the couch again watching some dumb movie Chan Yeol suggested. It was one of the cliches where the male lead ends up leaving the girl without and explanation and left her broken hearted. I busied myself playing with Baek Hyun's pretty fingers by connecting our hands and poking them softly. Baek Hyun softly hums our favourite melody into my ear to block the awful background music while the girl in the movie cries. The crying suprisingly got louder and deeper so I turned to find Chan Yeol, face covered in damp tissues as he attempted to stop the tears.

I chuckle softly before nudging Baek Hyun. "Chan Yeol, are you crying? Over a sappy movie?" Chan Yeol mumbles something along the lines of how sad the movie was, how poor thing the girl is and how we were heartless fools for laughing at it.

"What if one day-" Chan Yeol trails off to control his hiccups from crying too much, "the person you love just left and you never get to see them again." Baek Hyun reached over me to hit Chan Yeol on the shoulder for being stupid. I remained quiet and unmoving.

"Dae, you alright?" Baek Hyun diverted his soft gaze back at me and rubbed my arm gently. He doesn't know.

"He's probably thinking how he could sleep through the rest of the movie without me hitting him every time he tries." Chan Yeol added helpfully. He doesn't know either.

"Jong Dae?" Baek Hyun calls.

"Yeah, what he said." I said quickly.

"But seriously though, I can't imagine if I lose one of you two so suddenly. I would probably cry even more than that girl." Chan Yeol continued on. "It would be awful, wouldn't it?"

"Awful." Baek Hyun agrees.

Their words hit me like a dagger because they don't know.

Lately I've been thinking about my life

and I don't think I have much time left.

April 2012

It was one of those strange days where Baek Hyun was not by my side but it was understandable since I told him not to come over tonight. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want any of my friends to see me like this. I called Chan Yeol over anyway because I couldn't hide from him for too long. Chan Yeol reached my apartment shortly after I put down the phone. He came into the room when he saw I wasn't in the living room and stood by the door.

"Are you okay?" Chan Yeol asked carefully and I could tell there was something more to that question.

"I'm fine." I said but I didn't smile up at him because he would know. He would know when my smiles are fake. "Chan Yeol ah, I have something to tell you."

"It's okay, I know."

"What?" I replied ridiculously. 

"You're sick." Chan Yeol said matter-of-factly. I stared up at him in shock. "I answered a call one day when I was staying over here, it was your doctor. How bad is it?" 

"Bad."

"Took you long enough to tell me." Chan Yeol said jokingly but it came out more mellow than it should. Chan Yeol walked over from where he stood by the door to join me on the bed and gather me into his arms. I hugged him back because I felt safe. The tears rolled down my eyes easier now because I didn't have to hide it anymore. "We can get through this together. You, me and Baek Hyun. We'll fight with you."

"Baek Hyun doesn't know." I muttered but Chan Yeol catches it and moved away to look at me. "I didn't know how to tell him. I didn't know how to tell you but you knew."

"I saw something was up anyway, you were tired all the time and too quiet. I saw you sneaking around taking pills when you think we weren't looking. The call just confirmed my suspicion." He gripped my hand and squeezed it like he always do to comfort me. "Why didn't you tell him?"

"Who?"

"You know who."

"I don't know what to say. I don't want to break his heart."

"You don't want to break his heart?" Chan Yeol repeated back and I nodded slightly. "Then tell him."

That's why I'm asking you

to protect him when I'm running out of time.

May 2012

There was crying on the line and Chan Yeol gripped the phone tighter in fear. He was just gone for half an hour. There was no way.

"Chan Yeol," Baek Hyun's voice cracks and he swallows a few times. "He's gone."

"How?" Chan Yeol replied hollowly.

"He had a suddenly and the doctor couldn't save him." The words came out muffled by the bad signal and the mixture of both their sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Chan Yeol. I'm sorry."

Chan Yeol's legs gave out and he collapsed onto Jong Dae's bed. He was surrounded by pictures of him and Jong Dae. Jong Dae and Baek Hyun. All three of them. Happy, smiling, laughing pictures. He promised Jong Dae he would come back and get their memories so he could see it one more time before leaving but he was too late.

Chan Yeol joined Baek Hyun who was still crying on the line while muttering a string of 'I'm sorry's'. Chan Yeol tried his best to comfort Baek Hyun even though he was dying inside because Chan Yeol loved Jong Dae too, not the way Baek Hyun does but it was love nevertheless.

All the regret started piling on him and he felt the heaviness of them on his shoulders. Chan Yeol never got to thank Jong Dae for his years of friendship. Chan Yeol never got to say sorry for everything he made Jong Dae go through all this years.

Chan Yeol never even got to say his final goodbye.

To keep that beautiful smile on his face.

No matter what happens I beg you,

please don't let him down.

October 2010

"I met a boy." I said proudly while plopping down next to Chan Yeol on our usual lunch table. My vocal class just ended while Chan Yeol who majored in Literature doesn't have his class until late afternoon so our lunch time collide on Wednesdays.

"You said it like it is something interesting." Chan Yeol replied without even looking at me and just continued staring into the book he was reading. "I meet people all the time but you don't see me flaunting it around."

"You don't understand." I whined and Chan Yeol finally put down his book to look at me. I grin a little. "I think I'm in love with him."

"What is his name?" Chan Yeol asked patiently because I tend to fall in love very easily. I also tend to get my heart broken easily.

"I have no idea but he has a beautiful smile and I'm in love with him."

"You're unbelievable, Kim Jong Dae." Chan Yeol answered before returning to his book.

Until he finds someone

who loves him as much as I do.

July 2012

"I promised him to take care of you." Chan Yeol said stubbornly at the lump under a mass of blanket. "You have to get up and live your life." Chan Yeol waited for a reply but there weren't any. He got nearer to the bed and yanked the blanket off of Baek Hyun. Baek Hyun kept his eyes closed and body curled up into a ball with dried up tears prominent on his cheeks. Chan Yeol's heart hurt a little at the sight. "Baek-"

"Go away."

"Baek Hyun, please." Chan Yeol tried again. "You can't just mope here forever, it has been two months and it is time to move on." Chan Yeol looked at Baek Hyun who was slowly moving his body to face him but his relief was cut short when he came face to face with Baek Hyun's eyes. They looked dead and every lively crinkle from the boy was gone without a trace.

"What do you want me to do?" Baek Hyun spat out with his voice getting higher with each syllable. "You want me to forget him? Forget Jong Dae? Because I can't, Chan Yeol. I loved him, no, I love him. I still do and it is not going away." Baek Hyun looked tired after his outburst. His face changed from anger back to hollow before resuming his curled up position.

For the first time in a long time, Chan Yeol was at a lost for words. No matter what happens, please don't let him down. Chan Yeol had to try again, he promised. He forcefully pulled Baek Hyun who wasn't giving much resistance into a hug. Baek Hyun remained unmoving in his arms and Chan Yeol whispered into his ear. "Wherever Jong Dae may be right now, he misses you and loves you just as much but Jong Dae had always been a happy person. He would want you to move on and be happy. Do it for him and do it for yourself." Chan Yeol pushed Baek Hyun back up and stared into Baek Hyun's now misty eyes. "Do it for me."

Without a warning, Chan Yeol kissed him.

Someone who won't let him 

wake up on an empty bed.

July 2011

I was awakened by the sunlight flitting in through the crack of the window that wasn't covered with the curtain. I groaned when I realized it was still way too early to be awake on a Sunday but I was the type who could never fall back asleep. There was a heavy weight on my waist and I looked down to see Baek Hyun clinging onto me while exhaling air to the crook of my neck. No matter how normal this scene was, I couldn't fight the smile appearing on my lips. He's mine.

Expertly, I untangled myself from the sleeping beauty to go freshen up and cook breakfast for us. I was halfway into frying the sausages when a loud wail could be heard from the direction of our bedroom. I quickly turn off the stove and ran back into the room expecting something horrendous but to be greeted instead with a pouty boyfriend. 

"Where were you?" Baek Hyun directed a glare at me with that question.

"I was cooking breakfast for us." I said while reaching forward for a morning kiss but was stopped with a extending hand.

"No." He said quietly.

"No?"

"No." He repeated before pulling me on our bed and hugging me hard. "You can't ever leave me to wake up alone. I can't wake up to an empty bed...not..not again." I felt tears on my shoulder and I pulled away quickly to look at Baek Hyun properly. Tears were cascading down his cheeks and I rubbed them away while comforting him with soft touches.

"What happened before?" I asked carefully.

"My mother used to sleep with me when I was small whenever my father came home drunk. He would try to hit me but my mother would protect me. One day, I was sleeping and it suddenly turned chilly so I opened my eyes and saw she wasn't here anymore. I was in her arms just a moment ago so I ran out to find...find her dead body on the living room floor. She left me and since then I have been waking up to an empty bed; afraid every night." Baek Hyun pulled me in for a chaste kiss. "Don't ever leave me."

"I won't." I promised quickly. "I don't plan on ever leaving you."

"Good."

From that day on, whenever Baek Hyun woke up next to me, he opened his eyes to my smiling face saying, "Good morning, beautiful."

Someone who will be happy

to hear him play the piano.

November 2010

"Where are you dragging me to?" Chan Yeol complained loudly while I just ignored him and pulled him down another hallway. "This is considered kidnapping, you could be sent into jail for this!" I smiled distractedly at his continuos loud complaining until we reach the room I was looking for.

"We're here." I breathed out while walking forward to peek in the glass door. Inside the room sat a boy in front of a beautiful white piano playing with so much emotion that it haunted me for days. "That's him."

"Who's him?" Chan Yeol asked before shoving me aside to look inside. 

"That's the boy I said I'm in love with."

"Mr. No name?"

"Don't call him that!" I exclaimed while shoving Chan Yeol back so I can look in too. "Doesn't his piano-playing make you so happy and content?"

"No?" Chan Yeol teased and I hit him on the head.

"I can hear him play forever." I said wistfully. Chan Yeol gave me a dissapproving look before walking away but I was too wrapped up with the music created by a pair of beautiful hands of an equally beautiful boy to notice.

Someone who will actually be there

to accompany him in every step he takes.

January 2011

When Baek Hyun broke his bones due to a skating incident, I was there. In a way, I was the caused to it all. "Hey Baek, I think I know what we should do today." I said suddenly one sunny day while we were having a picnic at the nearby park. Baek Hyun had his head on my lap while I my fingers through his soft curls. 

"Hmm?" Baek Hyun murmured contently with his eyes still closed and a small smile playing on his lips.

"Didn't you want to learn how to skate? Well I brought two skateboards along and I can teach you." I said happily. Baek Hyun opened his eyes and I saw a glimpse of fear in it before it was replaced with a lazy smile and yawn.

"I'm too tired today, maybe next time." Baek Hyun drawled out before closing his eyes again. I leaned down to brush my lips against his temple and he open his eyes again, this time in surprise. "What are you-"

"Are you scared of falling down?" I asked cheekily and he confirmed it with a nervous frown.

"I'm just not so good in -you know- balancing." Baek Hyun admitted shamefully and I gave him another small peck on the nose before dragging him to stand up with me from the ground.

"You'll do fine and I'll be here all the way." I assured him while getting out the skateboards. I helped Baek Hyun get up the beginner skateboard and he yelped as soon as it started moving forward an inch. "Relax, baby."

"Easy for you to say," Baek Hyun retorted back, face filled with worry. "You're not the one on this death trap with wheels." I chuckled while balancing him as much as I can with him wriggling on the thin board.

"Stay still." I instructed but he looked at me, clearly annoyed.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Baek Hyun said in disbelief but yet he continued to jerk around the board so I hold on tighter because if I let go, he will without a doubt fall. Knowing Baek Hyun's personality, if he fall once, the chances of him trying again would be slim.

After a few hours of trial and error, Baek Hyun finally mastered balancing on the board without my help and I smiled happily as he skated slowly and carefully by himself, turning his head around ever so often to make sure I'm still there so I kept shooting him words of encouragement. Being the little daredevil he is, he went slightly faster and faster and before I know it, he was heading straight towards a tree.

"BAEK, TURN TURN TURN!" I shouted after him while running to reach him but I knew I was too slow.

"I'm trying. DAE, HELP HOW DO I TURN? YOU HAVEN'T TAUGHT ME YET!" Baek Hyun shouted back with panic evident in his voice. No matter how hard he tried he ended up crashing into the tree with a loud crack and when I reached him, Baek Hyun was wincing in pain and his arm looked bad.

"Baek..Baek are you okay?" I said while wiping tears from his eyes. Baek Hyun groaned in pain as he clutched his arm which looked to be in an odd angle. "Don't cry, baby, don't cry. We have to take you to the hospital." I tried carefully to manoeuvre him so it hurts the least but Baek Hyun still cried in pain when he tried to move. "Stop, Baek, here I'll carry you." I whispered while kneeling down for Baek Hyun to hop onto my back.

"Jong Dae, it hurts." Baek Hyun complained while resting his head on my shoulder. I nodded slightly before walking faster towards the car. I carefully slid him into the passenger seat and quickly drove to the nearest hospital I could remember. When we walked in the hospital door, the nurse on duty in the ER immediately brought a wheelchair when she saw Baek Hyun's condition and he was wheeled into a room while I wait outside. I paced outside, wrecked with guilt and worry until I heard a blood-curling scream resonated from the room and my heart hurts from it. The curtain to the room was pulled back and a doctor came out wheeling Baek Hyun.

"Is he okay?" I asked immediately and the doctor nodded. 

"He'll be fine, I already pop his shoulder back into place so he needs to keep this cast on for a week or two for the bones to heal. Just take care of him and make sure to bring him back a few days later to change his cast." The doctor said before leaving them to tend to another patient.

"You're okay." I said softly with a sad smile, kneeling in front of his wheelchair.

"I've been better," Baek Hyun replied back. "I knew it was a bad idea to learn to skateboard and I should have never listened to you. Now you better take care of me and be there for me as I heal cause it's like I lost an arm right now and it's all-" Baek Hyun's words were cut short with me kissing him on the lips for the first time; our first time. His shock quickly went away and soon he was kissing back. I pulled away after a while and smiled cheekily at him. "What was that?" Baek Hyun asked trying to look firm but he couldn't hide the small smile that was slowly forming.

"A friend of mine -Chan Yeol- said the best way to say sorry was with a kiss." Baek Hyun kept quiet, pursing his lips in thought and the silence scared me. "Is that-was that okay?" Baek Hyun smiled slightly.

"Shut up and just kiss me again."

And please tell him that I'm sorry

because I can never be that someone

because I won't be there

even if I really want to.

May 2012

"Jong Dae, you look-" Baek Hyun couldn't finish his sentence and choked on his tears. "You look great." Baek Hyun reached forward and brushed away the strands of hair on my face and pulled out the seat next to the hospital bed to sit next to me like he always did every day for the past month.

"It's fine, Baek. I know I look like crap." I said softly because my voice was starting to leave me slowly and it frightens me.

"No." Baek insisted and held my hand harder. "You will always look beautiful to me because you may not remember this but I fell in love what's in here-" Baek Hyun placed his other hand on top of my beating heart which moves too slowly now. "-and that would never change." Baek Hyun's eyes were misty and it was something we were used to, the moments when giving up was impossible but fighting was not an option too so all we could do was hope for more time and wait until everything was over.

"Don't cry." I whispered to him and tried to move my hand to caress his cheek and he met me halfway. I rubbed away his tears to replace it with my own. "Don't cry because of me because I'm not-I shouldn't be worth it."

"No, no, no, no. Don't say that." Baek Hyun placed his hand on top of mine and closed his eyes to compose himself. "Every minute with you is worth a whole year without because you're worth it. We're worth it. We are."

"We're worth it." I echoed back his words and he nodded earnestly.

We helped each other wiped the tears away because we are not strong enough on our own. Baek Hyun reached down to kiss my forehead and I smiled up at him but suddenly my chest hurt and I started coughing. The fire in me was rekindling and I knew it was a signal, my time was slowly ticking away. "Jong Dae, are you okay, baby, hang on- please hang on for me." Baek Hyun ran to get the doctor and Jong Dae turned to the heart monitor and watched the numbers slowly dropping but he had strong will.

It was easier to just give up right now since his days were only numbers but for Baek Hyun, he would hang on as long as he can because a second was never too long to spend with someone you love.

But please tell him

that I love him.

April 2012

I was woken up one day with terrible pain in my heart and every breath I took hurts me. I gasped for air and throw my hands around for support until I hear him stir from his sleep to steady me. 

"Jong Dae, are you okay? Is something wrong?" Baek Hyun's voice penetrated through my ears even as I feel everything falling. "What can I do?" He asked softly or loudly, I wasn't sure but it was hard to make out his words.

"Pii..pills...tab...le.." I breathed out and see him reach the bed side table and yanked open the first drawer for a bottle of pills. He quickly grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and helped me swallow the pills. Everything inside of me was still burning but I could feel it slowly reciding until what's left was my heavy breathing and Baek Hyun's soothing voice. When I finally managed to go back to breathing normally, I finally focused on him and he looked terrified.

"What-what was that?" He muttered out. 

"Baek Hyun, I-"

"Are you sick?" He asked again quietly.

"..yes." I looked up finally and he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Baek, I'm sorry, I really-"

Baek Hyun cut me off. "How long has it been?" His face was stoic but it displayed too many emotions; anger, fear, sadness, pain.

"Months. I'm sorry, I should have told you, I know I should have but I don't know how, I still don't know how to not hurt you. I don't know how and I'm scared. I'm so scared of losing you but I would in the end and everyday spent with you is so blissful I couldn't wreck it by telling you I have cancer. I couldn't do it to you. Not you." I grabbed his hands fully expecting him to fling it away but he surprised me by pulling me close into a bone-crushing hug.

"I love you." He whispered again and again while I tried to process the three simple words that was never said by him. "I don't know why it took me so long to say it, you know and I know I love you but I never said it. Now before it's too late I need to tell you." Baek Hyun pulled away from the hug with fresh tears mirroring mine. He clasped my face with both his hands and looked directly into my eyes; into my soul. "I love when you sing to me lullabies so that I sleep better at night. I love how you called me every day that brief summer when we were apart although the phone bill was expensive. I love how you can't cook but you learn to so we don't starve. I love when you put your arms around my waist and kiss me because I feel your love. I love how you say I love you to me every day even when I don't say it back but you know, you just know I love you-" Baek Hyun was crying too much to continue and I tried to shush him.

"I know, Baek. I love you too." I said with a teary-eyed smile.

"Is there nothing we can do? Anyway to heal you?" Baek Hyun asked but with that question, I could see he knew the answer so I just leaned forward to kiss him. "You can't die. You can't leave me, Dae, you can't-what am I suppose to do without you?" I smiled at him sadly again before gathering him in my arms again.

"I'll always be with you no matter where I am." I said earnestly and kissed his forehead. I entwined our fingers together and smile up at him no matter how painful it was. "But the hardest thing I will do is walking away still loving you." 

And I'm happy that I have a chance

to be with him.

May 2012

Baek Hyun and Chan Yeol stood in the waiting room, squeezing each other's hands for comfort just to feel they were still there. With each squeeze, Baek Hyun prayed for more time because he's not ready to say goodbye. He will never be ready. The door opened and a tired-looking doctor stepped out with two nurses looking grim and Baek Hyun's breath hitched a little in his throat.

"We tried our best but it seems there is not much time left. I think you should say your goodbyes. I'm truly sorry." The doctor gave Baek Hyun a pat before leaving. The two nurses gave them apologetic looks before trailing after the doctor. 

Baek Hyun shook away the shock clinging to him and pushed open the door to his boyfriend. "Jong Dae." Baek Hyun whispered before moving towards him.

"Baek." Jong Dae said with much difficulty and Baek Hyun shook his head when Jong Dae tried to talk more. "Yeollie." 

"Hey buddy, is there anything you need?" Chan Yeol asked while grabbing onto Jong Dae's other free hand.

"I want-I want to see...the pictures of us-of us again. Our memor..ies." Jong Dae said slowly and Chan Yeol nodded. Chan Yeol made Jong Dae promise to wait for him to come back and Jong Dae did. He left shortly after to complete his best friend's last wish. "Baek Hyun-" Jong Dae tried again to talk. It was difficult but he had to get it out. 

"Yeah?" Baek Hyun said, blinking back the tears.

"Can you sing for me?" Jong Dae pleaded. "Can you sing for m-me, one last time?"

"Of course, baby." Baek Hyun cleared his throat a few times to clear the sob that was threatening to appear.

I swear

by the moon and the stars in the sky

I'll be there

I swear 

like the shadow that's by your side

I'll be there

for better or wo-worse

till dea-death do us pa..rt

I'll lo-love you

with every beat of my heart

and I swear.

"I love you." Jong Dae said with clarity. 

Baek Hyun who was sobbing throughout the song repeated back with just as much confirmation, "I love you."

"I know a selfish boy," Jong Dae said suddenly but started coughing and gasping but he pushed himself to finish, "who taught me how to love but he never taught me how to stop."

"Jong Dae I-" Baek Hyun stuttered but Jong Dae took his hand.

"You have to let me go now, Byun Baek Hyun." 

And that morning in a cold hospital room, Jong Dae drew a heart with his finger on his lover's palm before he made him hold it, as if he was giving back Baek Hyun's heart that he took when they were eighteen, so that Baek Hyun could love again. Because Jong Dae didn't want Baek Hyun to feel left behind, because Jong Dae wanted him to be happy.

Full letter :

A/N : Well that was so difficult to write but here you go. In a way, this was the only story of mine I could update because life is so hard right now and I can't write. Everything is coming out wrong and dreadful and I'm giving myself a break, writing at my own pace. I hope that's okay with all of you.

Please leave me feedback on how this was. I honestly have no idea how this turned out. Quick thank you to my baby, cheesecakemon for holding my hand through this and helping me finish it. Another huge thank you to the lovely jongstalxxi for the beautiful edit of the full letter in such short notice. 

Love you all. xxx