“He called you beautiful? Like the Kim Jongin called you beautiful?” Hyeri gawked at me while heat rushed to my cheeks and I nudged my elbow against hers to keep her voice down. She lifted up her hands for protection but continued to pellet me with her questions.

“He actually has a title?” I raised my eyebrow at her while flipping through my writing notes in hopes of hinting to Hyeri that I was slightly busy at the moment.

She presses her palm onto one of my notes suddenly, stopping me from flipping through the pages, “You didn’t know? He’s known all around campus for being a triple threat, academically smart, physically fit, and good looking! Didn’t you notice the herd of girls that follow him around and hope to catch his attention for even just a second?”

“Hyeri, I only went out to town with him once, and we went after class so the herd of girls that you’re talking about was non-existent,” I sighed while rubbing my temples. It was times like these where I regretted asking Hyeri to accompany me to the library when I know she’s only there to ask me details on Jongin. Besides, if Jongin is really as popular as Hyeri makes him sound, why is he wasting his time on me?

She let out a frustrated groan and leaned back on her chair, letting go of my notes that had been trapped under her grasp. “I just don’t understand you at all Sarang. He’s perfect for you, and he’s practically throwing himself at you! Don’t you want to get into a stable relationship where you don’t have to worry about whether or not your partner will be lying in bed beside you in the morning? Aren’t you tired of wondering?” I stopped writing for a second to process what Hyeri was saying to me. My grasp on the pencil that was in my hand tightened, and felt equivalent to the tightness in my chest.

“Sarang…” she begins to say, her voice ridden with guilt. She knows that she crossed the line, but what difference does it make now? Her words were like a trigger, starting up the memories of my delusional mother and her affair.

“No, you’re right Hyeri,” I stare into her eyes blankly and begin to collect my belonging from the table, “I’m sorry that I can’t be perfect, but you have to know that I’m trying.” I hear her trying to explain herself in the background, but I keep facing forward, walking away from her as fast as I can.

As I push the doors of the library open to walk back to my dorm, my vision begins to blur and a bed of tears form in my eyes. She asked if I’m tired of wondering if someone will be beside me in the morning. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from feeling the pain of my one night stands always leaving me in the morning, but I’m also exhausted from allowing myself to feel that pain at all. I shouldn’t care about them at all if I’m that willing to give my body to them, but a part of me just wishes one of them would care.

The walk from the library to my dorm is a long one, and I would have brought my car with me, if  I had known about mine and Hyeri’s fight earlier. I pick up my pace as I drag my body up the stone stairs that lead to the residences when I notice two voices coming from behind the brick walls of the dormitories. Subconsciously, I find myself eavesdropping into their conversation and walking slower towards the corner of the wall, peering onto the other side of it.

I notice a boy and a girl in the midst of a heated discussion, with the boy’s back turned towards me and the girl crossing her arms, glaring at the boy. The girl is someone I recognize, Shin Seohyun, one of the most popular girls in our university and a student in my anthropology class. Her eyebrows are furrowed as if she’s waiting for the unknown boy to reply to her, but the boy never speaks. “Well? You’re the one that called me here, are you going to explain Jongin?”

Jongin? I find my attention being pulled towards the two now that I realize the unknown boy is actually Jongin. What is he doing with Seohyun? I watch as Jongin pulls a hand through his messy hair and lets out a frustrated grunt.

“I feel like I have nothing more to say to you Seohyun, I told you everything,” his voice sounds strained and rougher than it usually sounds when he is speaking with me. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Seohyun rolls her eyes in return and steps closer to Jongin, “You’re not doing a very good job as a boyfriend, Jongin.”

I hold my breath at that word, and realize the proximity of the two which is far from ideal. He has a girlfriend? A sharp stinging pain runs through my chest as I watch Seohyun move closer towards Jongin, laying a palm on the side of his cheek and leaning forwards. I find myself suddenly praying that he moves away from her, unable to take my eyes off of the two.

The sudden vibration of my phone against my leg makes me jolt and tear my attention away from the two. I glance quickly over my phone and see that Hyeri has been calling me for the last fifteen minutes and I had been too preoccupied to notice. I took one last look at Jongin and Seohyun and saw that they were back to their original positions, before continuing my walk up the stairs and towards my dorm.

“You know she feels terrible about saying that to you Sarang,” Chanyeol says softly. We’ve been on the phone for half an hour and my guess is that since Hyeri couldn’t reach me personally, she figured Chanyeol might be able to do it for her.

“I know, she’s already forgiven,” I lie down on my bed, dragging my pen across the once blank notepad, “I’ll talk to her tomorrow after class.” The loops of ink that mark the white paper curve from edge to edge, and I realize that I’m still bothered by the scene that I saw earlier with Jongin and Seohyun.

Chanyeol sighs deeply, “Good, because I don’t want you two to be fighting especially when I’m not there to break it up.”

“Hey, Chanyeol, can I ask you something?” I bite my bottom lip, not being able to handle the numerous questions that were popping up in my mind at that moment. He stays silent which means that he’s waiting for me to ask my question anyway. “Does…Jongin have a girlfriend?”

Another moment of silence passes before Chanyeol replies, “Jongin? Not that I know of, why? Are you by any chance interested in him?”

“N-No, I just figured with his popularity, he’d have some girls after him,” I quickly cover up while biting the end of my pen nervously. The last thing I need is Chanyeol teasing me.

“Well of course he has girls after him, I hear he’s pretty popular at your university. But he seemed really into you Sarang, he always asks about you whenever  he comes over,” Chanyeol says.

“He does?”

“Yeah, he always says that you interest him.”

“Did you ever ask him why?”

Chanyeol thinks for a moment. “He said that he wants to find your innocence again.”

Early in the morning, I decided to walk over to the language department building to catch up on the work I was supposed to do in the library yesterday. Since Hyeri returned back to our dorms late, I didn’t have a chance to speak to her yet and I imagine that she’s still distraught over our fight. Ever since she said those words to me yesterday, they’ve been replaying in my head over and over. Was that really how Hyeri thought of me? Does Chanyeol think that way as well? I bit my lip in frustration and continued to stride forward inside the language department. I even said it myself, as close as Hyeri and Chanyeol are to me, they’ll never really know me. But is it wrong to want them to at least try to understand me?

The questions seemed unending, as I entered my creating writing class, expecting to see rows of empty desks. Instead, there is one student sitting in my usual seat, completely immersed in writing that he doesn’t even realize that I’ve entered the room. I slowly make my way towards the back, hoping not to disturb the student when I notice that he seems familiar. Although his dark brown bangs are covering up the majority of his face, his lips are visible, pale pink and plump, moving slightly as he writes, as if mouthing the words that are being written on his paper.

“Jongin?” I bite my lip, hoping that it really was him. The boy’s hands stop moving momentarily as well as his lips, and he tilts his head up to meet his eyes with mine.

“Hey,” Jongin greets plainly, pushing his bangs out of his face and lifting his head up higher. “What are you doing here so early? Class doesn’t start for another hour or so.”

I almost wince at his change in attitude, his way of speaking seems too monotone compared to how he was speaking to me only a couple of days ago. “I wanted to get here early so I can get started on that assignment the professor gave us yesterday,” I explained, his facial expression remaining stoic. “Anyway, what brings you to class this early? I mean I know that you’re the top student in class but you don’t have to rub it in,” I joke lightly, hoping to get a smile out of Jongin. His lips press into a thin line, as if trying to smile, yet being unable to.

“I wanted to finish up the assignment too, I had an idea for it and I couldn’t wait another minute or else I’d lose my train of thought. And the guys didn’t want the lights being on in the dorm this early, so here I am,” he shrugs. Jongin’s eyes are lifeless, dull even, which is extremely strange to see.

I slowly slide into the seat next to him as he goes back to his assignment, silence beginning to engulf the room. Every so often, I would lean forwards slightly to attempt to catch a glimpse of what exactly he was writing, but every time I did, he would lay his arm on the edge of his desk, blocking my view. It was strange, being in the same room as Jongin, but not having him talk to me. Especially when I’m so used to having him start the conversations, whether it be him asking how my day was, or him asking me to tell him something about my life.

“Jongin, are you okay?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to reply. We’ve stayed silent for the past hour, and it was almost painful for me to endure.

He stops writing for a second before muttering, “I’ll be fine.” I never had a chance to ask him to elaborate on his simple response because one by one, student began to enter the classroom, until the professor ordered to take attendance.

“Seeing as we’re all here now, let’s begin the lesson on descriptive narrations. Turn to page 261 in your textbooks-“

“Professor?” Jongin’s voice calls out suddenly, his hand raised in the air slightly and his assignment in his other hand. “Would it be okay if I shared my finished assignment in front of the class today? I promise to keep it short.”

The professor raises her glasses in confusion, “Jongin, as much as I’d like for you to do that, I assigned that paper to be done next Monday. You still have a lot of time to correct and edit, and I’m sure we can hear it on Monday as well.”

“But Miss, I promise it won’t take up much of your time. I’m sure that I won’t need to correct or edit this, so please,” he spoke firmly. I stared at him intently, trying to get his attention to stop disrupting the class, but he refused to look in my direction.

“Very well Mr. Kim, but I expect this to be quick.” Jongin nodded in response and stood up from his desk, making his way to the front of the classroom. Whispers were shared among the classmates, anticipating this ‘perfect’ paper of his. I continue to stare directly at Jongin, astounded by his sudden request when he lifts his head up, matching his eyes with mine before he begins to read.

Entity. Her existence is a blessing, yet she ridicules her strength and confidence.
How does one live their life without knowing themselves at all? Perhaps she knows herself too well, unable to perceive the boundless qualities that she pertains.
Still, she makes herself seem ruthless, of no value, or empathy, when really she’s too weak to accept herself as the strong individual that she is.
She hides. Away from the dysfunctional individuals that make up something called a ‘society.’ Away from the people she calls her friends. In the end, who knows the real her?
The answer lies in the question itself, and the real ‘her’ can only be known through the love of herself. Without the means of self harm, she is beautiful. And I wish she would believe me.

I’m speechless at his writing, not because of the quality but because I know exactly who he was thinking about when he wrote it. Every little detail that he wrote in the paper was his thought on me. Jongin bites his bottom lip, staring into my eyes and slowly dropping the paper away from his face. The entire classroom begins clapping, applauding his brilliance in writing the paper. The paper about me. It makes me feel sickly, knowing that he thinks he can just write about what he thinks of me, of what he assumes of me. The feeling is almost nostalgic, reminding me of the first night that he drove me home when he had revealed his observations on my habit.

Before I even had time to process what I was doing, I was desperate for an exit. Tears clouded my vision, and all I could see were blurry images of the students, gaping at me while the professor called my name. I ran out the door of the language department and kept running until my legs began to ache, and my lungs were burning from the pressure. The quiet tears were now turning into sobs, and the strength from my legs began to loosen. I felt a strong pair of arms lift me up from the ground, stabilizing me. Jongin was staring back at me, with worried eyes that had replaced his lifeless ones.

“Sarang, are you okay?” He kept his hands tightly around my waist, and it was a good thing that he did, because I didn’t have the strength to keep myself up. I tried to swallow back the new tears that were forming, while Jongin watched me. “Why did you run out of the classroom? Do you know how long I’ve been calling your name for?”

Using the only energy I had left, I pushed his torso away from me, making him let go of my waist momentarily before he advanced forward and gripped them again. “I know that paper was about me Jongin, I’m not stupid,” I bit back angry tears, wiping my cheeks hastily.

His grip loosened, “I wrote it for you, because I wanted you to hear me say the words that I’ve been trying to get across to you ever since I met you.” His eyes were soft now, and he was begging for me to listen.

“So you decide to put me out on display? For the whole class to see, and for them to ridicule me?” I was now shouting, and the students passing by shared confused looks on their faces.

Jongin shook his head firmly and cupped my face into his hands, making me fixate my eyes on his. “I didn’t intend for them to start gossiping about you Sarang, the whole point is that you don’t know how valuable you are,” he reasoned, his eyes portrayed sadness and I could tell that he didn’t like the fact that my tears kept falling.

“Valuable to who! To Chanyeol and Hyeri?” I scoff bitterly, “they’re only by my side because they’re afraid that I’ll harm myself even more if they’re not. Or how about my parents? One of them being an alcoholic, drowning himself in poison everyday because of his deadbeat wife that had an affair with another man. Speaking of which, I haven’t spoke to her in years because she’s a coward who won’t admit her mistake,” the rambling continues on, and the more I speak, the more I feel like I’m exposing myself to Jongin.

“Why did you stop?” he asks, as soon as I cut myself off. “Isn’t there one more person who you think would value you at all?”

My lips are trembling now, my energy completely drained. “You. But you don’t value me.” He parts his lips to protest but I continue, “You already know too much about me, and I don’t want you to find out any more.” 

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry i haven't been updating regularly these days! It's culminating time, and I have so many culminatings to finish before exams! But here's the third chapter to my short story, and I imagine there will be one or two more chapters until the end! Until then, thank you guys for subscribing!!