Missed

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.
 

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
Perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, in a coffee shop

                Yoochun was about to come in the coffee shop with his friends. He was smiling to something that his friend Changmin said to him. He was talking animatedly with his friend that he didn’t pay any attention to what was happening around him. So he didn’t notice a man going out of the shop. They almost collided but the man had quick reflexes and managed to avoid him on time.

                He said ‘sorry’ automatically and merely threw a glance at the man he almost collided with. The man in return just murmured an intelligible answer which Yoochun didn’t really hear. The man walked by and got out of the coffee shop. At that instant, the door opened and let soft air in, making Yoochun aware of a faint smell of vanilla and strawberries that drifted to him. He unintentionally breathed in the scent and a warm glow rested in his chest. Changmin spoke and the trance was broken.

                “Hyung, let’s go?”

                Yoochun turned to him and nodded distractedly. They were led to a table. He seated himself in cushioned seat and was surprised to feel that the chair was still warm, as if somebody just left. He somewhat remembered the man who just left and thought that it was the man’s body warmth that he was still feeling now. Yoochun shrugged and promptly forgot about it. He turned to his friend and had a good time.

~~**~~

A few days after, in a grocery store

                Junsu looked around the rows of canned tomato sauce. He needed to make a dish using the stuff because he was entertaining his brother and his guest. Actually he was not really a guest but his brother Jaejoong’s boyfriend. But they crashed in his place so he had to feed them. Junsu pulled a face. Jaejoong and Yunho really got to his nerves sometimes. But they were his closest friend and brother so he couldn’t do anything about it.

                He picked the closest to him and read the label.

A man moved forward and also picked up a can beside Junsu. He was talking on the phone with someone. Junsu didn’t really mean to eavesdrop but the guy was talking a bit loud for his ears. From what he could hear, the man was talking to someone named Changmin and he was alternately talking then whispering harshly on the phone. It seemed that he was really pissed with whatever this Changmin person was telling him. Something about a blind date gone wrong or whatever. One thing was sure though, the man had a really good voice.

Junsu was about to walk away from that row of canned tomatoes to give the man some privacy when the said man abruptly slammed the can he was holding on the nearest rack and stomped away angrily after flipping his phone close.  The action made Junsu jump. He threw a sidelong glance at the guy’s retreating figure and shrugged. Maybe the guy’s date didn’t like tomato sauce. He picked the can the man left; it was still warm from the recent handling it got. Junsu put it in his cart and walked on to the vegetable section.

~~**~~

A few weeks after, school festival

                Yoochun laughingly pushed Changmin as they rushed to line up in the Kissing booth in their school festival. He landed on the other side of the line where the girls were lined up. Some of them giggled when he was pushed towards them. He apologized and endearingly blushed. The girls whispered to each other excitedly and Yoochun proceeded to go back to the boys’ line but Changmin kept on pushing him back. Yoochun tried not to be pissed and craned his neck to see how the guy in the front looked like.

The guy was giving the kisses to the girls. Yoochun’s brows furrowed as he had a glimpse of the guy’s face. He seemed very familiar. Those warm brown eyes and cute smile simply would be unforgettable. But Yoochun couldn’t place where he saw him. He was about to ask Changmin if he knew they guy when suddenly one girl shrieked. It was then that Yoochun saw she got a peck on the cheek from the guy with the cute smile. It made his hands clench at the sight and he didn’t dare analyze from where that feeling come from. He just knew that he couldn’t take his eyes off what was happening before him until there were just three girls in front of him in the line.

That made Yoochun start. He was horrified. He was almost next in line! He could hear the girls and the guys laughing at his problem. He had to get away from there, he would be damned if he was caught lining up for a guy’s kiss. Never mind that the guy was cute and all. He would just not be caught kissing a guy in school. Thank you very much.

So he moved back until he was standing way out of the queue. He almost breathed a sigh of relief as he turned away from the Kissing booth. That was close! Changmin would be dead when he caught him. That guy nearly let out his secret. That little—

Junsu looked up that instant and saw Yoochun’s back as he moved away from the crowd. It was really funny that a guy would be lining up to get a kiss from another guy. Not that he minded in the least but still. This was school. So he was just surprised. Then the guy walked away and he couldn’t explain the feeling of loss he felt as he gazed at the man’s retreating back. What was wrong with him? He didn’t even know him. But there was something very familiar with him. As if he had seen him before--

~~**~~

A few months after, tailoring shop

                Junsu nodded to the tailor as he put on the black evening jacket his mom had asked to be made for him. It was his graduation in two weeks so he needed a suit for the occasion. He said it was not necessary but his mom didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He had to admit though that he looked rather dashing in his black suit. It made him look smart. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror and asserted his earlier assumption. He really looked good.

                Then he remembered something that Jaejoong said to him earlier in the day. Jaejoong was hinting that Junsu would soon be meeting his future love in the form of Yunho’s cousin Changmin. He said that Changmin’s friend was really good looking. And available. Junsu almost frowned at the thought. His brother really had some weird ideas.

                The shopkeeper was called a moment after because another customer had arrived. Obviously for a fitting too. So Junsu reluctantly took off his jacket and handed the material to the tailor’s assistant. He would just come back after a few days when his suit would be ready.

                He was shrugging in his own jacket when a man came in. He looked like he was a bit bored. Like he’d rather be anywhere but there. Junsu found him a bit intriguing. The guy seemed young, but he had this air of authority around him as if he knew who exactly he was. That made Junsu a bit intimidated. He hurriedly reached for his bag which was lying on a chair next to the man. When he reached for the bag, the man caught the movement and he looked straight at Junsu.

                Junsu saw the man look at him and he felt air rushed through his lungs. He simply felt like he couldn’t withstand the stare so he quickly looked down to hide his reddened cheeks. The tailor questioned him and he answered hurriedly, repeating the same thing he said to the man’s assistant. After that he left; his head still bowed.

                Yoochun was momentarily puzzled over the man’s reaction to him. Did they know each other from somewhere? He really felt a certain connection to him. Especially when their eyes met briefly. It was as if they should know each other. His eyes followed the guy as he walked with purposeful strides on the street outside the shop. There was really something familiar about him…

                He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly after racking his brain for a memory of the man. He couldn’t find one. Maybe he didn’t know him after all.

                Yoochun went to the tailor to ask about his suit; quickly forgetting the man that just walked out of the shop earlier.