Everyone knows that yellow is my favourite colour; the fans, the members, everyone. The reasons why it has earned my love? Simple. It's playfulness, the brightness of it's colour and how it's shine would always brighten up the world beneath it. Without it, the world would be so many degrees colder. The people of the world don't realise the power of this colour. Yellow is my favourite colour. My hyungs said that it represents me very well since I'm always so cheerful. Well, except for the times when they make me run errands and stuff. I'm not so cheerful then. However, I love my hyungs either way. 

 

      Today is cold outside. I can see my warm breath mix in with the cold, dry air. Next week will be our fan event in Seoul so for now, we get the rest of the time off. It was very kind of the CEO to give us a break since we've been working so hard. Especially Myungsoo hyung with his countless activities and long list of schedules waiting for him to attend to. My heart would ache thinking how much he has to put up with in order to promote INFINITE without the 7 of us to aid him and stand by him. We were the ones who stabilised his mentality and without us, I was afraid he might break. All we had was a couple of phone calls between us before he slept to ensure us that he was fine but even those were rare. Never the less, his smile still remains intact and because of that, so did mine. I think that's one of the main reasons I have fallen head over heels in love with him. He's so strong. Even the strongest of winds couldn't blow him away. But then there was me... The one who was thought to be a female trainee; the one who needs to be protected and the one who is weak. I feel weak. I am weak. No matter how many times my members say different, I'm imperfect. I'm a disaster. A beautiful disaster.

 

 

 

"Jongie? Are you ok?" I hear my pet name get called out from behind my shoulder. Reality had hit me and it had been time to remove myself from my thoughts. As expected, I was met by a Woohyun hyung staring at me with worry. He had always been one with the sharp eyes and understanding of feelings without the need of spoken words. I gave him a smile and snuggled into my bright yellow muffler, covering my mouth and a bit of my nose from the cold, harsh winds. 

 

 

 

"I'm just cold." I replied; my words muffled in the garment keeping my neck warm. Half of the statement had been correct but it also carried a lie I was ashamed of. I was not ok, far from it I would say. Since it happened, I happened.

      Woohyun hyung had doubt in his eyes but gave me a smile none the less. Another reason why he was one of my favourite hyungs. Never would he dwell on things that others didn't want to talk about. Something in him was very understanding. I wish I could be a bit more like him in that aspect.

 

 

 

"Yeah, let's hope it's warmer tomorrow. We all need to get some time away from the dorms and go somewhere together. It would be nice to get some fresh air." Winter was melting and spring was just around the corner to snuggle us in her warmth and shine. I had missed the spring's warm embrace, not having it for almost a year tired me beyond belief; I hope it would come sooner. I had missed the presence of yellow all around.

 

 

 

"I hope so. We need it." Woohyun hyung nodded, taking the grocery bags from my hand and added it to the load he was already holding.
"Hyung?" I questioned him, confused. 

 

 

 

"Don't worry about it! I don't want our little maknae getting ill now, do I?" I gave a small smile, letting him do as he pleased. He was never one to go back on his word, despite the small habit of lying he had which wasn't really to my favour. He had improved as the years went by and we stayed together for longer, ultimately becoming one of the hyungs I now adore. We were happy and proud of him, especially Sunggyu hyung. He couldn't have done it with Sunggyu hyung's help. After all, his love and encouragement was more than any of us could give to Woohyun hyung.
"Come on, everyone's waiting for us!" He held all the bags in one hand before grabbing my hand with his free one. I let him hold it since I could feel his hand were a lot colder than mine as it had been exposed longer in the cold. The least I could do was warm it up and preventing it from hurting further. He shoved our hands into his pocket, like what my father did when I was little to keep our hands warm. I told him a while ago that he reminded me a lot of my dad. He didn't have the manly looks and broad chest of my father's but he was very similar. They were both very good at cooking and would support me in what I did no matter what. The difference being that Woohyun hyung looked a bit more, feminine? But he definitely had the heart of a true gentlemen. That was unquestionable.
      We waited for the little man on the traffic lights to turn green before crossing the road, back to our dorm. It was around 5pm and we had just finished shopping for groceries after finding out there was nothing inside the fridge for Woohyun hyung to cook a home cooked meal. We had all missed his cooking a lot. Having to eat takeaway for so long with their overly seasoned food was having a toll on our taste buds. It was finally time that we had a break and that meant more time to heal ourselves. In our group's case, home cooked meals made by the one and only chef in our group, Woohyun hyung. 
      The store wasn't very far from our dorm. Around a 20 minute walk back and forth. It gave us a good work out and let us have sometime to breathe unlike our relatively small dorm. Being an idol sometimes could feel a bit choking in the part of having to go to our assigned places and then right back to the dorm. There was no time to go out and have fun like I would like us all to have. With no time to relax and breath, it was only a matter of time before our sanity would get badly effected.

 

 

      Tonight's dinner would have to be kimchi chigae as Myungsoo hyung is not good after being deprived of his favourite food for so long. We had finally come back after being in japan for several months and all Myungsoo hyung could talk about was being home to his kimchi chigae. I remember him looking on the Internet to see if there were any Korean restaurants near were we resided but luck had not been by his side. None was within walking distant and that was a big deal. One reason was in case any fans noticed us and followed us back to out dorms and another was to reduce the risk of him getting lost on his way there or back since it was a foreign country after all. Myungsoo hyung found it stupid that he wasn't allowed to go anywhere that wasn't within walking distance but this was the first time I had to disagree with the elder. You know how he is with directions. One word, horrible. Tell him to turn left, he'll turn right. Classic Myungsoo hyung I would always say along with the other hyungs who would follow in that saying. 
      We opened our front door to the dorm and was greeted by a sea of hungry looking adults. 

 

 

 

"Hyung! Sungjongie! You're back! Be quick and cook, we're starving!" Sungyeol was the first to express his hungry with Myungsoo hyung silently nodding in the corner. Woohyun hyung took our hands out of his coat pocket and rested to grocery bags on the floor for Dongwoo and Hoya hyung to pick up after. We took off our shoes and followed the Dinosaur and Hogod into the kitchen before kicking them out since all they brought was chaos whenever they entered what Woohyun hyung called 'A holy place'. Aka, the kitchen. 

 

 

 

"Sungjong, go have some rest. I know you're tired. Me and Woohyun will do the rest." The leader came in, resting his hands gently on my shoulder with a warm smile. I gave a small nod and left since I wasn't better off than the two before when it came to cooking. I left the two lovebirds at it and made my way to the living room. I'm happy that Sunggyu and Woohyun hyung finally got together. They had always been the ones who would entrust the other with their lives. They are madly in love as all the members could see and gender wasn't going to be the one to get in their way. They loved each other and that was all that mattered. All we could do, as a part of the group and a part of this little family we built up, was to support them.
      I knew that Dongwoo hyung and Hoya hyung went back into their room so it was just me, Myungsoo hyung and Sungyeol hyung left. As soon as I entered the living room, I was to see the same scene as I would nearly see everyday. Dongwoo hyung told me it was called 'eating eachother's face' whilst Sunggyu hyung would smack him and tell me it was an action of affection and love. They were kissing on the couch, simply putting it. The same feeling would come to the same scene after watching it so many times. An ache to the heart and the weakening of the legs made me feel ever so upset.

      Sungyeol hyung was the first to spot me and quickly pushed himself away from his lover. I could see he was slowly regaining himself, getting his breath back from the passionate kiss they has just shared.

 

 

 

"Sungjong!" He called out with his cheerful voice, brushing away the event of moments ago which still lingered painfully on my mind. 
"Come, sit!" Sungyeol hyung patted the seat next to him. I proceeded to get closer as I didn't want to make things seem awkward by leaving straight away when an evident pout came to Myungsoo hyung's lips. Disappointment was all I saw, written on his face. I stopped in my tracks when Sungyeol hyung turned around to give him a light scold and whispering the words 'not now'. It had always been like that. I would walk in, feel upset and witness the disappointment in Myungsoo hyung's face. I could never escape them. It was like a curse that followed and haunted me.

 

 

 

"I think I'm just going to go to my room. Call me when dinner's ready." I quickly walked back and out of the living room. I could hear a shout of my name calling me back with the voice belonging to Sungyeol hyung but I ignored it. I might be selfish but I don't think I could stand seeing them at it again after so many times. I hated myself for being so selfish. I love Myungsoo hyung and I want him to be mine. I don't want to share nor do I want to see him with anyone else. I hate it. 
      I laid down on my double bed, looking up at the sky blue ceiling above me. The creaking of my door was heard along with quiet footsteps inching their way over to me. Not bothering to question who it was, I kept my eyes glued to what was above me. 

 

 

 

"Sungjong?" I jumped a bit, hearing my name get called from the one I love and care about so dearly. I turned my head to see his perfect figure a few metres away from me, his face totally unreadable. 
"Are you ok?" He asked me. A scoff came in my head. Should I be ok? I surely didn't feel it seeing my crush for years 'eating face' with another or so Dongwoo hyung would say. Should I say the truth or lie through my teeth?

 

 

"I'm fine." I opted for the latter, however he didn't seem to believe me.

 

 

"Don't Sungjong. I know there's something wrong, just tell me." I sat up and looked at him dead in his eyes. My orbs hardened under his gaze. I knew he was trying to help me but I wish he would stop. His kindness would only cause me more pain, pulling me into a world of despair and longing-ness. I'm selfish, I didn't want anymore pain. His 'love' for too painful for my heart to handle on it's own. His 'love' was not the one I wanted but rather, the one I despise.

 

 

 

"There's nothing wrong." I kept to my statement. He inched closer to me and bent down so he was about eye level with me.

 

 

 

"Everyone knows there's something wrong. Just tell me! You're making everyone worried, including Sungyeol." Of course his name would come up sooner or later. I rolled my eyes and fell back onto my bed. I didn't want to talk. There wasn't anything I needed to talk about. I had lost my chance by halting my actions of confessing and someone else swooped in and took a stab at it. It just never occurred to me that the one I love would now be so far away. 

 

 

"Just leave me alone!" I rolled to the side, facing in the opposite direction of the visual. I could hear footsteps get louder and closer to me when I was suddenly pushed onto my back. My back once again firmly pressed on the bed. Myungsoo hyung was now crawled on top of me. I did nothing. He looked angry but I didn't care to say the least. 

 

 

"Tell me what's wrong Sungjong!" The visual's eyes got harder with a piercing stare. I could feel myself withering under his gaze. He had always said he spoke with his eyes. It wasn't until now had I realised what it truly meant.

 

 

 

"You can't help me anyway." 

 

 

 

"I will do whatever I can." Finally, I bursted.

 

 

 

"Even if it meant you had to leave Sungyeol hyung?" That had stopped him from talking. What was left was a stunned silence with a confused face to top it off. 
"Like I said, you can't help me if you're not willing." I pushed him off of me, leaving him to fall on my bed clueless to what had happened. I sat up, feeling my face flushed with anger and love. As I thought, any longer and that would have been over. I had already stepped over the line but never told him how I truly felt. I guess in some ways, it made him keep waiting. I stood up and walked towards my door.

 

 

"Sungjong!" Myungsoo hyung called out, grabbing onto my wrist and pulling me back to face him. Something in him looked worried, like a confused puppy looking for their owner. It pained me a lot to see him like this. Though there was nothing I could do to fix it. I could only make things worse.
"W-what does you mean...leave Sungyeol?" He wanted an answer and I could tell. He wasn't one to like having mystery in the air. He was always blunt and straight to the point, expecting it for everyone else to be as well. Unfortunately, I wasn't like that when it came to love. But I found myself doing the exact opposite.

 

 

"I love you." There, I said it. It had surprised me that it came out of my mouth so bluntly but I couldn't help myself. If I could pause and rewind my life, I could see exactly when Myungsoo hyung finally got what I meant. If you rewinded back far enough, you could probably witness the exact moment in time I had my heart broken into two. That was after the time I had witnessed the start of 'eating face' between my crush and my dear hyung.
"I love you and have loved you for a while now. There, I said it, are you happy now?" I didn't mean it to sound like that but it just came to be that way.

      I forcefully flung my arm, causing him to let go. His arm fell next to him limped and lifeless. I didn't want to see him anymore, leaving the room with a twisted heart. I could tell the surprise confession had gotten to him. Hell, he wasn't even able to stand up straight, migrating to sitting on my bed. I closed the door, my legs also weak as I fell against the door's wooden frame and slid down to the cold floor. I was broken and all that was left for me to do was to hide and bury my face into my knees. My light sobs covered up my loud cries. I didn't want anyone to hear me but I couldn't leave where I was. I was scared that Myungsoo hyung was going to open the door and see me like this. I hated it. 

 

'Sungjong, what's your favourite colour?'

 

'Yellow!' 

'That's a nice colour indeed but remember, yellow doesn't suit you. You should always be white.' 

 

 

 

I had forgotten this little chat with my mother from when I was younger. I didn't understand it, I didn't like it. Telling me that my favourite colour didn't suit me broke me. Now I understand. I'm all yellow. I'm jealous of my hyung who's a member of the idol group I'm in after falling for the same person as me.

 

 

I don't like it. I hate being all yellow with jealousy.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

A week had passed and my ninja skills somehow worked well. I managed to escape the eyes of Myungsoo hyung's and keep myself hidden without being too suspicious to the other members. I had a feeling Dongwoo hyung caught something going on between us but didn't ask. He was never the type to in. Rather he was one to be there when you needed him. He felt it was best that we went to him rather than the other way round. I felt so too. Different peopl needed different amounts of time to get over what they had just been through. All the latter could do was sit nd wait until they were ready to pour themselves out.

 

 

      It was the day of the fan event. Now we stand tall and proud as a member of the group, INFINITE. Hands behind our backs, we gave a 90 degrees bow to them all for thanks of their support and love. We sit in our assigned seats. Sunggyu hyung, Woohyun hyung, Myungsoo hyung, Sungyeol hyung, Hoya hyung, me and Dongwoo hyung at the end. It wasn't as far as I wanted to be away from Myungsoo hyung but still bearable. I could feel my heart racing with each question asked by the fans. Their screams and cheers use to be my energy but now they drowned me down. I could feel my head at its limit, wanting to burst any moment. It hurt, everything did.

 

 

 

"I have a question for Sungjong Oppa!" A little girl around the age of 15 raised her hand. She had short, shoulder length hair at a dye of light brown. She couldn't have been too tall as she struggled to see us even on her tiptoes. A cheerful aura surrounded her as a big smile was plastered on her face. My attention sharpened as it was now my turn to answer a question. I could feel all eyes one me including Myungsoo hyung's but ignored it. All my attention was on the little girl now.
"If you were a girl and had the chance to go out with one of the members, who would it be?" A surprising yet typical question for a fan. My eyes scanned the members with an audible hum as the microphone was pressed close to my lips. My sight darted towards Myungsoo hyung who had now turned to face the other way. Quickly I shook my head and looked away. I chose the easiest option. 

 

 

 

"Woohyun hyung, because I think he would treat me well and buy me a lot of lemon candy!" A wave of laughs came from the crowd at the mention of lemon candies. Woohyun quickly rose his mic to say something. 

 

 

"Even if you weren't a girl, I would still treat you well and buy you a lot of lemon candies!" He added which brought a smile to my lips. A loud chanting of the fans came with a small hush from the mc's managed to calm them down. The questions kept coming and what felt like a never ending event finally came to a halt. 
      Of course there were those crazy fan screams when everyone became more intimate with their partners. 

 

 

"WOOGYU!!"

 

 

"YADONG!"

 

 

"MYUNGYEOL!" We stood up together and gave another bow to signal our leave. I decided to block the last shout out from further hurting myself.

 

 

"Thank you and have a good day inspirit!" Sunggyu hyung finished off before we left the stage to the back. We entered a backstage room where we were to stay for an hour to rest up before we were driven off to our next schedule.

      I made my way to the lone chair at the corner and pulled in my ear phones, blocking out the horrors and hurt of the world as I closed my eyes. It didn't take long for someone to come to me when a pat on my shoulder woke me up. I opened my eyes and saw it was the one and only Kim Myungsoo standing before me. His presence still made my heart do little jumps but by now, I was a master at hiding it. 

 

 

"Yes hyung?" I might had quickly left without another word since I was still avoiding him but I still had my manners to respect my elders.

 

 

 

"Woohyun hyung? Really?" He said with a slight annoyance in his voice. 

 

 

"What are you talking about?" A sigh came from his lips as he ran his prefect brown locks with his hand. I didn't really catch on to what it was he was talking about but it soon came clear to me.

 

 

"The question from the fan." I gave a small answer of 'ohh!' and a nod. 

 

 

"So?" 

 

 

"I thought you liked me." 

 

 

 

"Yeah, and?" I gave short answers hoping it would be the reason to end this conversation soon. Maybe, just maybe, he would see I wasn't interested and just wanted to go back to my little world. I hoped he would notice it but of course  he wouldn't.

 

 

"Then why did you say Woohyun hyung?!" His voice was raised a little louder causing everyone to look at us. Woohyun hyung gave me a confused look wondering why his name was mentioned. I shook my head, signalling everything was alright He returned a nod, understanding what I meant and proceeded to make a small scene at the back, reverting the other's gaze for us.
"We need to go somewhere more private..." He grabbed a hold of my wrist and pulled me up. I tried struggling since being in a room with just the two of us was the last thing I wanted. 

 

 

"Let go hyung!" I told him but that only made his grip get tighter. He pulled me out of the room and into one opposite, slamming the door shut as he pushed me in. I fumbled forward but got my footing as a click of the door told me he had locked it. 

 

 

 

"Answer me. Why did you say Woohyun hyung's name?" He asked in a demanding tone with his arms folded in front of his wide chest.

 

 

 

"What's it to you!?" I shouted. Here I could be as loud as I wanted without getting looked at so now, I'm doing what needs doing. 

 

 

 

"I-I..." He stuttered, releasing his arms and dropping them to the side.

 

 

"See, you can't even tell me. Remember, you still have Sungyeol hyung so quit worrying about me and worry about you! You two are together!"

 

 

 

"No! I don't know! Stop it Sungjong! Why did you have to tell me all that?! I know I love Sungyeol but because of you! I don't know! Stop it! It's all your fault!" He raised his arms in anger, pacing from left to right in from of the door, stopping me from escaping to the next room. My heart tore to pieces. Yes, it was indeed my fault. All mine... just blame me. 

 

 

 

"Fine. It's my fault, I don't love you. Are you happy now? Can we end it?" I walked forward to the door but was stopped when Myungsoo hyung ran to me. 

 

 

 

"No! It's too late! You can't back out of your words now! You love me and that's final!" He had mad eyes, eyes of possessiveness. His arms were on my shoulders, shaking me with every word said. As if drilling this mantra into my head. He was scaring me. A silence came to the both of us. He dropped his head down.
"I..I can't leave him... But I can't have you turning your back on me. Give me some time. I...I need time. Maybe I love you, maybe I love him but for now... I just need time..." I shook my head an remove his hands from me. His head began to raise as he looked into my eyes. 

 

 

 

"I can't do that hyung. Knowing that there is a chance that you will come to be mine is too harsh. There's also a chance you won't and all this will do is keep me waiting. I'm not an object that is left for reserves in case the first one breaks. As the great William Shakespeare wrote 'Love's not time's fool.' I'm sorry. I cannot love someone who doesn't love me back. Nor can I wait for time to make you realise if you love me or you don't." I had done it. I had broken myself away from the forever circle staircase I had built myself. I can finally let him go. 

 

 

 

"Sungjong..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. Slowly my hands guided him away from the door and unlocked it. I opened it, taking in a deep breath before leaving what was 3 year crush of mine behind. I closed the door behind and instantly fell back. My tears came pouring as my loud cries were no longer hidden. I wiped it and wiped it but it didn't seem to stop. I couldn't help it. He was indeed my first love. 

 

 

 

"A-are you ok?" A voice startled me. I looked up and saw a man standing before me. His footsteps were like ghosts or my cries were too loud. I didn't hear nor feel his presence. 

 

 

"I'm fine..." I answered. Clearly he saw through that with my streams of tears. He didn't seem fazed with my answer.

 

 

"I'll...I'll wait here until you get better." He stood next to me. I didn't know what I could do so I cried. I cried and cried until I could cry no more. I had to restrain myself for my up and coming schedule that would be coming soon. 

 

 

"Th-thank you..." I felt better with the presence of the strange man. All he did was give me a smile and a pat on the head before leaving me on my own presence. My eyes followed him until I could no longer see. 
"Oh... I forgot to ask for his name." A name was not needed as all I needed was his smile and the light touch that was given. I was no longer yellow but rather, I was all white. 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry for my lack of happy endings! I hope you still like it though~ happy readings!! 

Edited: 10/11/2014 19:09