Remember when I confessed to you and you laugh your heart out?

Remember the horrid look that I had on my face because of that?

I bet you didn’t even realize how hurt I was until I turned around and quietly leaves you, holding back my tears and my embarrassment, couldn’t wait to go somewhere where I could let it all out.

But I remember how flustered you were when you quickly walk up to me and stop me from leaving. How bewildered the look on your face when you saw me almost at the verge of crying.

I remember how you cursed yourself for being so damn ignorant and the panic in your eyes when I turned around to leave once more.

When you hold my hand and squeeze it hard, I remember the ache that I felt in my heart, I was for sure thought that you would go on rambling on how you like me, but not that kind of like and how you enjoy being my friend and nothing more.

I seriously don’t want hear that that time, I would prefer if you could just rejected me instead of the whole pep talk about how sorry you were and how you wish we could remain friends.

Instead you almost drag my stubborn feet toward the bench and seated me, though during that time I was still refused to look at you.

I decided that time that the only way for me to move on is to hate you with all of my might.

You must have noticed how confused I was though, when you went on your knees in front me, how rattled I was when I saw the smile on your face, the sweet gentle smile.

Though I quickly recognized that it wasn’t a rejection smile, boy I bet you didn’t know till now how it almost felt like a hope being reborn in me the instant I saw that smile, plus when you hold my hands and kisses it, that time all my brain could chant was maybe just maybe, over and over again.

You swallow your own spits a few times as you stare at my knees, never once look up to me.

When you spoke, it was soft, though I can hear the quiver in your voice, how you said a word and then stop, and said another word, and then stop again.

It took you several times to finally conjure up the sentences that you felt was appropriate enough, though up till then you still haven’t look up to me at all.

You said thank you, I remember that, you said thank you and how you appreciate my confession. I can still remember vividly how you stutter when you said that it was nice and sweet, you said that my confession was nice and sweet.

I remember it now how I felt during that time, it felt like the hope that I saw was blossoming almost until a full pledged flower being stamped down by a herd of angry elephants, it has no chance of survival at all.

The tears that were almost dry up, threaten to spill again as I bites into my lips, stopping myself from wailing.

You have to understand, in my whole life you were my first love, and I was certain that without you I would die, and the death wouldn’t be nice and pleasant at all.

As you were still staring at my knees, I blinked my eyes trying to shoo away the tears and trying so hard to regain my controlled self.

When I told you that it’s okay and I understand, I bet you didn’t know how hard I bite into my lips and gritted my teeth just to say that.

And when I told you that you don’t have to be sorry and I will be okay, I was actually dreaming a scene where I would get my revenge one day, a scene where I left you all alone and then you will realize how much you actually love me, though by that time I was totally over you and was with someone far more handsome and more successful than you, and then you will cry your heart out to me as I sauntered in front you flashing my bling bling and my hunky guy.

It was one solid plan, I thought that time.

 

I like you too.

Up till now sometime I still wonder if I heard it or I just dreamt about it, when you said it, it was uttered so softly that I thought I was imagining things.

But then you look up to me, straight to my eyes.

It was then the first time I saw the shade of red on your face, though I have to admit red doesn't suit you that well, you blushes in front me, even now I think one of the iest thing I could ever see from you will most definitely be that beet red flush of your ears.

It was cute and y at the same time.

I’m sorry for crying when you confessed to me, and I’m sorry because I truly didn’t listened much to what you were saying back then, I know it was long and most probably some pretty and sweet confession too, just like mine I would say.

But I am truly sorry.

From the moment that you said you like me too, I was already far away in my fantasy world imagining our wedding day and how many kids we will have in the future, a very near future, I was certain of that that time.

And I honestly didn’t heard the question you ask too, and when I was nodding to it, it was mainly because of the situation sort of make me do that instead of saying no or shake my head.

I never realized that you were asking if it was okay for you to kiss me, well not until your lips were planted firmly though rather awkwardly on my lips that is.

Sorry for the gasp that I had when I felt your lips moving, it was automatic reaction, and I was thankful that you closed your eyes for our first kiss, at least you didn’t see my confused and bewildered look and how big and round my eyes were because of the shock and how scared I must look that time.

Our first kiss was bad isn’t it?

I never know that you could get your lips chapped because of some wrong kissing technique, but we were both did that day.

The pain lasted for a few days, oddly enough, for something as sweet as kissing could cause so much pain.

Kinda funny seeing our lips like that though, isn’t it?

Stop us from kissing some more for quite a while too isn’t it?

Though, have to admit the long wait before we had our second kiss, give us the much needed time to at least make it better and more memorable.

 

Each time I see you my heart trembled and I can’t breathe.

It was one of the sentences that I manage to get during your rambling, never knew that you were so cheesy and tacky before.

But I like it, well until I realized that it was one of the lyrics from your song, how preposterous is that?

You laugh when I confronted you on that, saying something about how freaked out you were when I confessed to you that your well planned speech that you had practice for so long was thrown out the window the second you saw my crying face.

It was then I know that that day you were planning to confess to me too, hence the laughter, the most inappropriate laughter that you ever had in your lifetime.

I caught you by surprised, didn’t I?

 

Remember when we celebrated our 100^th days being together?

Even though there wasn’t any special event, because you know how much I hated it, the fact that you invited me to a party and introduce me as your girlfriend in front of your band members, it was the most precious thing ever.

And the barbecue party was amazing, never know how meat driven Jaejin was or how meticulous Hongki was about how his meat should be cooked.

Though I was hoping you didn’t see that bits of drama I had with not so shy Minhwan fighting over the last meat and who should get it.

It was nasty and totally embarrassing.

But in my defense you should have bought more meats since you know how much I love meat.

Though, thank you for siding with me, I enjoy that last meat, it was totally the best.

 

Baby, do you remember the future plan that we have?

The little notebook that you always carry around with you, how each day the pages become more and more and how the details of each plan become more and more intricate.

I would never get tired reading about the life that we are going to have soon, the house that we are going to live in, the kids that we are going to raise with so much love and passion but with iron fist rules as you always said, that little outings that you planned so perfectly, the vacations that we will take every single year…

My favorite must be the page on how our wedding day would be like.

It won’t be rainy like today, wouldn’t it?

I know you will make sure that the weather would be sunny and bright. The flowers would be blooming, the birds would be singing and the trees would be swaying softly.

You would hold my hand tight wouldn’t you?

You will never let me go.

That day will be the happiest day in my life, the day that I know I will be happy just as long as you are with me.

 

I’m sorry Seunghyun ah, I’m sorry that I have to leave you behind.

I’m sorry that it is me who let go of that hand.

If it is up to me, you know that I would never leave you that I would die without you but I never thought that I would do that to you. That I would die and leave you behind without me, I guess we are lucky that you won’t die without me.

Death is not scary Seunghyun ah, I realized that now.

At least I never regret my life and I know I leave so many beautiful things behind.

But one thing that I scare the most was to leave you.

Will you be okay without me?

And I’m sorry for being stubborn one, I would love to be one of that martyrs that remain selfless even to their last dying breath, but I can’t.

I don’t think I could go through this without you next to me.

So thank you for staying with me, thank you so much.

 

When I’m gone, please cry, cry your heart out at my funeral, you can stop being brave that time, no more strong façade, no more stern believe that I will be okay, cause obviously I didn’t make it.

It’s okay Seunghyun ah, it’s okay if you cry, it’s okay for you to reach out for me and to realize that I won’t be there anymore.

But promise me, after that you won’t cry over me anymore.

 

My life might be short, but being with you was so much more that 100 years of living could offer me.

So never regret or sigh over me leaving, but remember and cherish all the beautiful memories we have.

 

I love you; I love you so much more than I could imagine I could love someone.

But I love you to the brim that I felt almost all the time I could drown in your love.

I regret leaving your behind, I want that future we carefully planned, I never had enough of your kisses just yet too, but someday my love, and someday we will be together again, I am certain of that.

For now, I’m sorry that I had to leave you behind.

 

Bury that little notebook with me, leave our future plan with me.

One day when you meet someone that you love with all of your heart, and you will, promise me that.

Have another little planning book with her.

I can let you go now, but I can’t let go of the future we can’t have, and you shouldn’t hold on to the future that will never come.

 

When the wind softly blows your hair, think of me sweetly,

When the full moon shines so bright, remember me tenderly, and

When the rainy days greeted you, send your prayers to me, with a smile.

 

Goodbye for now my love, this is where we bid our farewells, i guess...

So for now goodbye...

Until we meet again...

 

 

 

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done

pls do tell if i have anything wrong

not like i ever done this before

hahaha

 

thank you for reading....