Why Is It So Hard To Say It?
Strong
Oh Sehun could feel the stretch of his lips as they curve into yet another grin. It was all that Sehun could feel these days, that familiar pain in his cheeks because of too much smiling. He craves that pain, because it was not pain that filled his heart when his cheeks hurt, it was warmth and love and all that is heavenly. He had never felt happiness such as this. It felt like he no longer knows what pain is, how it had felt when he was completely alone, a few months ago.
At times he would lock eyes with Jongin, and the older male will grace him with a knowing smile, one that Sehun truly understands. It was Jongin, after all, who told him to not give up. Jongin once again saved him, and the future he was sure to live, with the one he truly loves.
Now he lets his eyes gaze longingly at the object, the person, who had been and will be the sole reason to his hurting cheeks, Byun Baekhyun. His mouth was frozen in an almost rectangle shape as he laughs, his eyes turning into half-moons. He isn’t far away anymore, because he sits right next to Sehun now, their knees touching, fingers entwined and he was laughing at what Chanyeol was saying. Sehun no longer feels the jealousy towards Chanyeol, because now he knows that Baekhyun loves only him. He squeezes the smaller man’s hand that is in his, and they both locked eyes. It was a short second, a brief moment, but the two shared something no one understands.
Sehun wants it to last for the next eternity.
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It felt like the stars were cringing and backing away, for they no longer shine as bright as they used to, not to Sehun anyway. For it was the man who lay beside him, whose head rests on his shoulder, who is the one shining brighter than the stars.
Up above, they no longer twinkle, but they stayed and still they remained in Sehun’s presence, had been since he was alone. He remembers the stars, and how they were the ones to light up his darkness, before Baekhyun shone brighter than them. He will remember the stars, because even now, while Sehun holds the man who had replaced them, they still remain. They still care.
He felt Baekhyun play with his long fingers, he watches as they laced with his. Their hands fit each other’s perfectly, and Sehun couldn’t help but smile wider at how much they are meant to be. He lets his lips touch Baekhyun’s forehead, and the latter snuggles further into Sehun. Baekhyun breathed in his scent, and he could feel his soft lips on his slim neck. Sehun smiles again, and he pulls Baekhyun closer. He closes his eyes at the soft kisses that Baekhyun was placing on his neck, as he savored this very moment, planting it in his memory.
“I’m scared,” Baekhyun says, making Sehun open his eyes.
“Of?” Sehun lets his fingers run through the brown hair that is Baekhyun’s, his heart thumping at the answer he awaits.
But somehow Sehun knows even before Baekhyun mumbled his answer, cozying further into his neck.
“The world.”
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It didn’t come from their friends, those words that haunt his every night.
It was their little piece of paradise, for him and Sehun, that little piece that they shared. Baekhyun feels no such ecstasy, such glee until the moment he accepted Sehun as someone more than just a friend, a brother. It was the way Sehun’s arms stayed around him whenever they are alone together, that assured Baekhyun he could survive any torment he might face. It was the warmth that Sehun gives that made it easy to sleep at night. It was also the way Sehun mumbles words of love against his neck that makes him forget.
But the words still came.
.
Gay.
Die.
Sehun kisses his lips to erase all those voices from his head, but Baekhyun remembers. Sehun squeezed his hands in front of their tormentors to let him know that it’s okay, but Baekhyun listens. Baekhyun feels. It cuts deep, those words that are merely sounds. Their voices are so loud that even Sehun’s arms couldn’t take them away. Baekhyun hates it. He hates himself.
He sees his friends, ten of them, defending his name. He feels Sehun’s hand holding his, and hears the voice of his best friend Chanyeol telling those people off. Tao flicks them the finger and Suho asking them to leave. But still, Baekhyun shuts down. They hit him right in his heart, his nerves, and he didn’t know if he could go on that way.
He didn’t know if he wants to go on.
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Baekhyun no longer smile. It is not light that Sehun sees in his eyes. Those dark brown that used to shine into Sehun’s, no longer twinkle. Like the stars above, he stays beside Sehun. He remains quiet, sad and no longer shining. Sehun could feel the crack in his heart, looking at the man he loves tortures himself for being real, for being him. He is sad because his happiness isn’t happy.
He tries to bring back the lively and happy Baekhyun. He brings his love to sea and walk hand in hand along the beach. He caresses the older male’s face, he tells him that it’s okay, they are okay. But still Baekhyun could only suppress the littlest of smiles.
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He placed his forehead on Baekhyun’s shoulder, and he could feel Baekhyun leaning back. It was a short moment, a brief second, but what they shared no one understands.
Sehun asks Baekhyun to remember, back when they first started seeing each other.
But even then, Baekhyun still doesn’t smile.
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“I love you.” Sehun says. He finally has the guts to say it.
Baekhyun seemed shocked, but surprise soon replaced with denial as he held up his hand. “No, Sehun. Don’t.”
Why? Sehun wondered, but aloud he says it again. “I love you, hyung.”
“I said don’t.” Baekhyun almost screamed as he glared at the younger boy. But Sehun loves, and Sehun is determined.
“Why is it so hard to say it? Don’t you love me too, hyung?”
Baekhyun breathes, he says nothing, and he covers his face with his hands. Sehun knows that the love of his life shed tears behind those hands. He closes the growing gap between them, and he lets his arms circle Baekhyun. For a minute or two, they stayed that way in silence.
“I’m sorry if I say I need you,” Sehun began, taking Baekhyun’s hands away from his face, to look into those brown eyes he had fallen in love with. “But I don’t care, I’m not scared of love.”
“I can’t, Sehun. I tried.” The smaller man mumbled, shaking his head.
But I can, and so can you, Sehun thought. “Then try again. I will hold you when you need me to, or even when you don’t. I will try with you.”
Baekhyun looked into Sehun’s eyes, disbelief plastered on his face. “Did you even hear what they were saying, Sehun-ah?”
“Every painful word, hyung. I went through it alone a very long time ago. I tried, and I will still try because it doesn’t hurt less just because I’ve went through it before. It hurts just the same. But I have you, and I don’t care what they say.”
“It’s just so hard..”
And Sehun understands. He knows how hard it is. It isn’t easy to be normal up until a few months ago, and it isn’t easy to adapt. He understands, and he will help Baekhyun understand.
He touches Baekhyun’s chin, making him look into his eyes. “I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.”
At that, he saw, for the first time in a long time, the smile he had missed on Baekhyun’s face. Baekhyun leaned in, he kisses the skin on Sehun’s neck, and he says the words Sehun wanted to hear, loud and clear.
“I love you, too.”
Think of how much love that’s been wasted
People always try to escape it
Move on to stop their heart breaking
But there’s nothing I’m running from
A/N: Meh. I dont know if this is even nice. It's like so short but I don't know how to make it longer. And Sebaek feels again so it's kind of hard ugh i dont know what i'm babbling on and on ok bye
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