Time stamp [dd-mm-yyyy hh:mm];

"Hello?  Hello?  Oh.  It’s your voicemail.  Hi, Himchan.  I know we haven't talked in ages.. but you said that I could call you anytime and I really think I need someone right now.. You know what?  I bet you don't think you remember that.  Telling me that I could call you whenever, I mean.  I don't even know what I would have done if you answered.  I'm sorry, just ignore this."

[19-02-2017 14:31]

"..."

[26-02-2017 19:50]

"Hi again.  I wasn't kidding when I said I need someone right now.  It’s just.. You know me better than anyone.  Even though it's been four years, you're still the one who knows me the best.  I know I'm the one who broke up with you.  And you fought for me so thank you for that.  But I was hurting you.  It must've been hard dealing with someone like me for so long.  I don't know how I've lasted until now without you.  But I think I might be breaking.  It's just that.. lately I've been having more and more bad days.  I feel myself slipping and I hate it.  I don't want.. I just don't want to.."

[27-02-2017 00:12]

"Hi Himchan.  Guess what I found. It's the photo album we put together during our second year.  Well I'm looking through it and.. we look so happy.  Haha, our hair is all dyed.  And do you remember that time we went to the carnival together?  There's a picture of us holding a stuffed bear.. funny I don't remember getting -- oh wait!  No I remember!  It's when we spent the rest of the money in our wallets playing that ring toss game trying to win the grand prize.  And when we finally got it we ended up having to lug it to your apartment.  That was fun.

And do you remember all the times we went to get ice cream at that little corner shop?  Well there's a picture in here.  At the bottom it says... "Note: look under the table"?  Huh.  I think I remember we wrote something there but I don't remember what.  Anyways, you have a chocolate cone in your hand and I have a strawberry one. No wait, yours was coffee wasn't it?  You always got the coffee flavored ice cream.  I remember all that stuff now.  It was a good time.

... Are you happy Himchan?  No, I know you are.  At least, I really hope so.  Plus I heard you got together with that Jongup guy.  That was probably two years ago so I don't know if you guys are still together.  He seemed nice.  And he's a dancer, right?  That's pretty cool.  I think I met him a few times at some parties a while back.  Well, I hope my messages aren't annoying you.  You could just text me or something if you want me to stop.  I wouldn't mind.  Really."

[16-03-2017 20:44]

"HELLOOOO HIMCHANNIEEEE~ GUESS WHAT.  I went for a bit of a drink tonight!  Because I was sad.  Nobody knows me.  Mom knows me but she really doesn’t.  She just thinks she does.  And Nammie knows me but he's married.. so he really doesn’t pay attention anymore.  And he has a kid now!!  Did I tell you?!  She's real adorable.  Like a pancake.  Like that.  You know?  And dad used to know me but he's dead.  But you know that already.  Because of cancer.  Bad cancer.  Bad bad bad.  Haha.  But it's okay.  He probably wouldn't know me anymore either.  But you know me.  Right Channie?  Am I right?  Hm?  Am I?  I think yes.  Yes!  Yes?  Yes.  Okay yes.  No wait no.  You don't.  You know I got a lot more sadder when I broke up with you.  But it's a secret.  Don't tell anyone.  SHHHH.  Anyways.  I really wanted to tell you about this dream I had.  I was a duck and you were a turtle and we went to.. ummm.. Where was it?  I forget.  But then we got lost.  Then.. then... I forget.  Oops!  Ehee.  I'm kind of sleepy anyways.  Happy birthday to mee~! Good night Channie.  I love you!!  Please call back soon!  I love you!"

[01-04-2017 03:27]

"Hi, ahem.  God sorry I sound horrible right now.  I think I may have called you last night.  Well it says that in my call history that I did.  Just wanted to let you know I was really drunk so just ignore everything I might've said.  I probably didn't mean it anyways.  Bye."

[01-04-2017 13:06]

"You know.. You know I was okay today.  I even went to get some ice cream at that shop we used to go to.  You know the one I told you about in that picture in the album?  I checked underneath that table, but I didn't find anything.  The tables looked different.  I think they might have changed them a while back.  It's okay.  Well I tried this weird prune flavoured ice cream.  It was nasty.  So I got a coffee one.  It was good.  I never understood why you loved coffee so much but I get it now.  But that's not the point…

I was okay today but now I'm not.  I don't think I am.  I was walking home.. and everyone was so damned happy.  I don't know why but it made me feel bad.  Everyone was happy so it shouldn't have made me feel bad but it did.  Everything, no not everything.  Just a lot of things.. have been making me feel like crap lately.  I know it's unfair for me to say this, but I miss you.  You made me feel like I was somebody.  The way you always told me that I was beautiful and worth your time.  The way you told me that you needed me.  It kept me going.  When I thought it was easier to just… to just die, you slapped some sense into me. I bet you don’t even realize it, but you must have saved me a million times back then.  “Yongguk, I love you.” “Thank you.” “What’s wrong?”  You were the only one to ever really ask me what was wrong.  It was like you just.. knew.  And it was so weird that you always knew when I was having one of my bad days.  You knew me better than anyone.  Better than my parents did.  Better than my own brother and sister did.  I swear you knew me better than I know myself.

But Himchan.. the thing is… You were such a mystery.  Always unreadable when you didn’t want to be read.  I couldn’t figure you out.  It frustrated me.  How could someone know me so well when I was barely scratching their surface?  It was like I knew you but I didn’t.  Is that stupid?  I couldn’t figure out the reasons why you would blank out sometimes.. or why you would look distant so often.  It was me, wasn’t it?  Was it like an “I don’t want to stress out the depressed boyfriend” kind of thing?  Because in that case, I don’t regret breaking up with you.  You’re happy now, right?  Please tell me you’re happy..”

[09-04-2017 20:24]

“That bridge.  Do you remember it?  Where.. where I.. Oh my god, Himchan.  I went there t-today.  I was going to do it.  I was so ready to do it.  Had my foot up on the railing.  Nobody was going to stop me.  I was so close to doing it.  And they just walked by.  Nobody would have cared, Himchan.  Nobody gives a .  I’ve turned invisible again.  It’s breaking me.  I’m broken.  It would’ve been so easy to just.. end it, you know?  I don’t know why I didn’t.  I think I just really wanted to talk to you.  I just really want you to pick up your phone.

That first call I made… I told myself I’d be fine if you didn’t answer.  I told myself to stop calling.  Leave it up to you to call me back if you really wanted to.  You never did.  You still haven’t.  I don’t know what to think.  Do you really not want to talk to me?  Do you really not care?  Tch.  Secretly, I keep hoping you just lost your phone or something.  It’s stupid, I know.  You’ve moved on.  I get it.  It’s been years.  It was my fault.  But I can’t seem to get over the fact that you’d be… ignoring me.  Himchan… Channie, I don’t think I really want to die.  Maybe I do… No.  I think I just really need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay.  It’s greedy.  I know it is.  I’m sorry.  I don’t want you to feel like you need to call me back.  I’ll stop now.  I swear.  There’s no point giving you updates on a dead man walking.  I love you.  Bye.”

[21-04-2017 02:13]

“Himchan... help m-me.  I can’t – My head feels numb and I’m scared.  I wasn’t going to call you again.  I swear.  But it’s the first time in my life that I r-really feel afraid.  I’m so scared.  Please don’t ignore me.  I’m weak.  I need you.  I wish I didn’t, but I do.  I’m back in that dark place and I’m trying so hard to get out but I can’t.  I can’t d-decide what I want.  Do I want to kill myself?  Do I want to live with myself anymore?  I don’t want to die.  I don’t, I really don’t.  But I can’t help but feel that being dead is better than being… unhappy.  It’s been so long since I was able to say “I’m happy”.  I’ll look at myself in the mirror and tell m-myself to smile.  But even I can tell that I’m broken.  I’m trying to be happy, Himchan.  You always t-told me that it would be worth it in the end.  You’d talk to me through the night.. we’d watch the sun rise together the next morning.  It was beautiful.  Always b-beautiful.  Countless sun rises.  So beautiful.  So so beautiful.  “Just like life,” you’d tell me.  “Almost as beautiful as you,” you’d whisper into my ear.  And I would hold onto those words for the rest of the day.  For the rest of forever.  But now, all I hear are whispers telling me to end it.  I can’t r-remember what it feels like to be called beautiful.  It’s hard telling myself to stay alive for just one more sun rise.  It’s useless.  I’m scared Himchan… I don’t know what to do.”

[02-05-2017 23:56]

“…”

[09-05-2017 04:21]

“… Himchan…”

[13-05-2017 08:17]

“Please pick up…”

[21-05-2017 02:09]

“… P-Please pick up…”

[22-05-2017 15:01]

“…”

[26-05-2017 09:14]

“…”

[26-05-2017 09:20]

“…”

[26-05-2017 10:00]

“…”

[26-05-2017 10:21]

“I spent the whole day trying to figure out what to say.  And after thinking.. and thinking and thinking, I still don’t know what to say.  …  I went out last night.  To that bar we used to go to a lot before.  The one all covered with graffiti that nobody bothered fixing up.  I don’t know how long I was there for, but then you won’t believe who walked in.  Jongup.  He looked pretty bad.  Like he hadn’t slept in days.  He seemed so out of it, but he must’ve recognized me ‘cause he came to sit beside me.  He didn’t talk until he was into his second beer.  “Bang Yongguk-sshi, right?”  Then he started talking about all the most useless things.  The weather, the beer, the government, his clothes, my clothes, how it was so weird he would bump into me there.  He wouldn’t shut up.  And quite frankly, I didn’t give a about what he was saying.  I was starting to think he’d gone crazy.  Or maybe that he was some super lightweight with his alcohol.  So I took his drink away.  But then he started yelling at me.  He threatened to punch my face in, telling me that he needed his drink – that he needed to get drunk so he could forget and be happy even if it was just for a bit.  And when I didn’t give it back, he started crying.  That’s when I started to get concerned.  Grown men don’t just cry like that.  So I asked what was wrong.  And you know what he said?  He’s gone. …

Ha. In the end, I guess it doesn’t matter what I say.  You won’t hear it anyways.  You’re dead.  I kept thinking the worse when you never called back.  I thought you just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.  I thought you threw me away.  But all of that is nothing compared to the fact that you’re dead.  YOU’RE ING DEAD.  KIM HIMCHAN, WHY?  How could you just.. leave me here like this?  Jongup said you’d been sick for a long time.  How long, huh?  Since before we met?  While we were together?  Is that why you always seemed like you were hiding something?  And Jongup said you’d been getting messages.  That you listened to some of them.  That you wanted to call me back but couldn’t.  But then why? Why didn’t you just say something?  I don’t even know how to feel anymore, Himchan.  It’s like I don’t even have the right to feel sad anymore.  I.. I’m lost.  Please save me.”

[27-05-2017 23:42]

“Calling you when I know you won’t hear me is stupid.  But I’ve been talking to you through this stupid phone for over three months now so I’m hoping somehow, wherever you are, you’ll still hear me.  I’ve made my decision.  I’m going to be dead tonight.  I’m sorry I turned out this way.  You would’ve talked me out of it for sure.  But you’re the only one who cared anyways, and now that you’re gone, there’s no point for me to keep living in this lonely hell.

Right now, I’m sitting in bed with hundreds of pills in front of me.  Went to the pharmacy and bought some over-the-counter stuff.  Found a bunch of my old meds.  Stole what I could find at my brother’s house when I went to visit him this morning.  Yongnam’s probably gonna be pretty surprised after all this, huh?  I almost feel bad.. I’m just hoping that this stuff will kill me before I start puking it all up.  I guess I’ll just go ahead and…

…

…

…

Ughh.  I never did like the taste of pills.  There.  Done.  No going back.  But it’s okay.  Oh Himchannie, you look so happy.  In this picture of us at the carnival.  Were you already sick back then?  I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.  I’m a bad person, aren’t I?  I always got mad at people for not really seeing me.  I got mad when I felt invisible.  But you saw me, didn’t you?  You always noticed me.  And I did nothing for you.  It makes me feel kinda ty about myself.

…

Time.  Time is a weird thing, Channie.  How long has it been since we first met?  It really has been a long time… And how long has it been since I last saw you?  It feels like it’s been so long… I can’t wait to see you again.  It won’t be long now, will it?  I’m already starting to feel funny.  Was it scary when you died?  Should I be scared right now?  For some reason, I don’t.  I want to cry, Channie.  I want to feel scared.  I want to feel sad.  I want to feel something.  I don’t feel human.  Like this, I don’t feel like Bang Yongguk anymore…

…

The phone.. is ringing.  It keeps ringing… Do you hear it?  I can’t get up to answer it… too tired…

…

It’s dark outside.  There’s.. no light.  Or maybe.. maybe I’ve gone blind or something.. Huh.  Maybe my eyes are just.. closed.. I can’t tell…

…

Himchan, I… I … Wait here with me, Channie..

…

Let’s go see the sunrise.”

[31-05-2017 22:04]

--

Done~!

I'm sorry, this didn't come out the way I wanted it to :(  When I had started writing this, I wanted to make a story out of just voice messages.  What I didn't realize was that it's so freakin hard to put emotions into writing without being able to say stuff like "he said in a broken voice" or "he sobbed through tears".  But still, it's a learning experience for me xD

So to you guys who subbed before reading, I don't mind if you unsub.. but a comment would be nice! [I'd take comments over subs any day~!!]

Also, I'm currently working on a short chaptered B.A.P fic (starring Daehyun) if you want to check it out. I promise it won't disappoint! [Here]

Thank you for reading! //glomps

-Captain