Chapter 13

I slid the paper back towards him, searching for his eyes in the process. His face turned pale as he read what I scribbled so rapidly. It wasn’t long before Mark passed over another response.

“Of course I know she’s mine. We look exactly alike,” it read in capital letters. Under it he continued. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you raise her without me?”

My guard died down once I saw Mark rub his forehead in frustration.

I gave the pencil one last spin as it glided on the paper. Showing Mark what I wrote, I felt the tension strengthen. We were locked in each other’s eyes for what felt like hours, his stare filled with regret and heartbreak.

“Lina, have some more beef,” offered JB as he slid a piece of the food that had just arrived on my plate. I broke out of the moment and turned away.

“Oh, thank you,” I smiled, moving my attention to Rylynn, who had managed to cover her face with grease as Bambam continued to feed her abundantly while I was trapped in a daze. Still out of myself, Jackson poured water in my cup and motioned for me to take it.

JYP PD-nim leaned forward and nudged me with his elbow, a smirk creeping up on his lip.

“You know Lina, it’s nice that you have these nice kids to take care of you, but at some point you’ll have to bring your man over to get him to look after you. Maybe we can meet this lucky guy soon.”

I coughed as PD-nim caught me completely off guard with his insane remark. I began to scramble with my utensils, finding a reason to change subject before things really became awkward.

“He’ll come out sooner or later,” I said in response, as if I were trying to brush away the question. I looked towards Mark who avoided my glare while the other proceeded stuffing their face like I didn’t say anything.

Mark appeared to be taken aback from what I wrote, so I could understand why he seemed so upset.

I suddenly felt a kick under the table as I looked around to search who it was. I found Jackson staring at me with a dim smile, pointing at the food on my plate. Seeing that I still hadn’t taken any initiative in eating, Jackson lifted his chopsticks to my mouth, forcing me to eat the piece of chicken off his utensils. I took a glance around only to find everyone looking, even Mark.

Seeing Jackson persist in feeding me, my cheeks couldn’t help but flush red.

I awkwardly slid the food in my mouth; still feeling self-conscious because of all the stares that I was getting because of Jackson. Mark scratched his head under his grey hat and proceeded as if nothing happened.

***

After dinner, we had all stood outside the restaurant, waiting for our respective drivers to pick us up. PD-nim had gone to pick up his car so he could drive us to the hotel, leaving me with the other boys on the sidewalk waiting together.

This didn’t seem to bother Rylynn at all as she was playing with Yugyeom in the meantime. Mark stood behind me on the sidewalk, without a word. I watched Rylynn caress her doll’s hair as Youngjae took his turn in playing with her. The other boys were messing about nearby, with Jackson leading the charge and acting like a complete dork.

Looking at him now, it baffled me how he was the same. He still sang shameless improvised rap lyrics in public and danced to non-existent music at random instances as everyone around him followed.

Turning away from Jackson, I could spot their car coming closer to pick them up.

“Well, it was nice officially meeting you, Lina,” pronounced JB, rubbing my shoulder.

“Likewise,” I said in Korean. “Any leader of a group like yourself who is able to stand Jackson Wang is pretty darn amazing.”

He laughed. Jackson on the other hand, scoffed sarcastically at my playful remark.

“You’re pretty good with your words, I see. It’s no wonder Mark and Jackson were practically crying their hearts out when you left. I couldn’t get them to fully focus on anything for months before we debuted.”

My eyes grew in surprise.

“Really? Wow, I didn’t know that you missed me that much Mr. Wang,” I said when addressing myself to Jackson. “You too Tuna,” calling the other by the nickname I knew he hated with a passion.

To my surprise, Mark was standing closer to me than I initially though he was. Mark’s hand circled my waist, his head leaning forward, allowing his lips to crash on mine for a long second. I gasped in shock, making everyone witnessing this jolt back a little.

“I’m sorry for everything,” he whispered quietly in my ear and made his way to their car quickly, not even letting me to process anything that happened just yet.

Youngjae, in turn, approached me and gave me back my daughter that he so kindly held in his arms.

“I’ll see you soon, Lina noona,” said Youngjae with a slight mocking tone in his voice. He gave me an odd look, wondering what on earth had just happened.

My face flushed red.

I held Rylynn’s hand tightly. For some reason, I found myself looking around for Jackson, but he had already run off before the other guys without saying goodbye. Although it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to see him tomorrow, it hurt me that he didn’t even say goodnight.

“Mommy,” Rylynn called while tugging on my shirt. I bent down to crouch at her level. “Can we go play with them tomorrow?”

I blanked out and fell into a long daze, watching as my daughter played with the collar of my shirt. Lifting her off the ground and pulling her near, I took out the piece of paper I had showed to Mark. Under the question “Why did you raise her without me?”

I responded with effortless and sloppy, “I didn’t want to ruin your life the same way you ruined mine.”

Contemplating my carelessly lazy handwriting, I figured that perhaps, just maybe, I was a bit too harsh.

***

PD-nim had dropped us off at the hotel an over an hour ago. I sent Rylynn straight to bed because it was so late, leaving me time to actually watch a bit of TV. I missed all those Korean stations and their evening/night dramas that used to be my only source of comfort years ago.

I grabbed my phone and texted my mom that everything was alright before crashing onto the sofa and rubbing by belly filled with an overload of food.

I closed my eyes for a second, thinking back on how Mark had kissed me so gently on the lip and how much regret filled his face over dinner. As much as I didn’t want it to happen, I was feeling bad for Mark again; feeling bad that I hurt his feelings, feeling bad that I treated him like trash ever since he took advantage of me.

 He took advantage of me.

The scar from it never left me. Seeing Mark in the same way as it used to be was just too hard for me to handled.

I broke out of my very long meditation once I heard a knock on the door. Standing lazily on my feet and making my way to the door, I wondered what kind of hotel services would possibly be bothering people at this hour without permission.

Rubbing my eyes that were on the verge of shutting, I twisted the doorknob and peeked out the door, only to find Jackson standing there with a deadly glare.

Taken aback, I jolted a little.

“Jackson, what are you doing here? How did you know where my room is?” I asked, but he ignored me and pushed himself into the room aggressively. He grabbed my left arm, slammed my back to the door that he had just shut tightly, and leaned against his hand that he pinned against the wall.

His heavy breaths hit my face like a strong breeze. My knees began to tremble, the same way they did when Mark locked me in the bathroom years ago.

“What’s wrong? You’re scaring me, Jackson,” I whispered as his face got closer.

“Lina”, he said, his lips now brushing on the skin of my neck.

I pushed on his chest to move him away without success. My heart began to beat fast as Jackson began to pull on my hair with his fingers.

“Jackson, what are you doing?” I asked, beginning to feel terrified once he moved down my neck to my collarbone, sliding down my shirt, leaving my shoulder exposed. He began to pull vigorously on the fabric of my top.

As I tried to break out, it reminded me an awfully lot of Mark pulling on the buttons of my shirt. Flashes of my back slamming to the toilet seat emerged in my memory, the memories it took years for me to forget.

“Nayeon,” I told him to get him to stop. “This is cheating on Nayeon. Don’t do this.” I whispered, trying not to raise my voice too much to not wake Rylynn. I began to kick his leg and shield my body with my arms.

“Forget Nayeon!” he said barely leaving my chin with his lip.

“But Mark…”

“Forget Mark! Just for today,” he said sort of louder. Jackson began to claw my waist, so hard that, it was painful. “I just want to be selfish for one day.”

“Jackson, stupid idiot, let go of me!”

He didn’t stop. I went numb.  His mouth covered mine, exactly how Mark did it. Tears began to carelessly spill all over my cheeks as I repeatedly pleaded him to stop, but he just didn’t budge. He bit the bottom of my lip hard, causing me to cry even more. His hands roamed all over the place.

“Just stop…” I whispered helplessly, even forgetting to fight back because it was a lost cause. Jackson was even stronger than Mark. There was no way I was going to escape him. “Just stop, please let go.”

My memories of the first time this happened didn’t cease to flash before my eyes. I brawled, desperate to break free.

My back began to slide down the wall I was pinned, my knees to weak to hold me up any longer. I suddenly felt the pressure of Jackson’s lips leave for a second. Opening my eyes at last, I saw Jackson staring at me, lost in words; his grip on my slowly loosened, his stare slowly dropping in shame.

“I don’t want to get again.”

Jackson took a step behind, knowing that he made a huge mistake.

I did not look at him once. I was just too scared.

Jackson came closer in the midst of my daze, caressed my hair and rubbed the side of my cheek. For the first time in forever, I brawled like a baby.

“I’m sorry…” said Jackson in my ear, hugging me now, his hand rubbing circles in my back and his chin resting on my shoulder. "I didn't mean to hurt you." His every move was soft and gently, creating a huge contrast to his previous behavior.

“You idiot… You freaking idiot...”

Sorry for not updating in a while. I just finished my finals. :) Have a nice day.
God Bless you all.