The world they lived in


Eyes half-closed in a really engaging way, blond fringe too long to be called by its name was covering a part of his face.  Although repeatedly trying to sweep the blond strand away, he kept his feline eyes in the half opened half closed state. Maybe drunk and wasted in reality, still keeping the ethereal atmosphere surrounding his persona as if his mind was floating in an another world, much more tender than the one around here.
Glasses around as well as empty or almost empty bottles of alcohol making the contrast even bigger. The contrast of the world here and the world the blondie embodied.
He whimpered.
The one seated opposite of the table was fighting with the need to firmly tuck the falling hair behind his ear, provocated by that forever repeating scene,on the other hand wishing the world would end up like this this scene being the last one he sees.
„Have you ever…“ his eyes still that absent from reality „ ever loved someone?“
Words seeming to be more tacky and sticky mixed up with the silence of a death dorm and acrid smell od alcohol.
„Why you asking?“ was the answer of a man sitting in front of him, screening him with lids heavy from the alcohol and exhaustion of a full packed schedules they exchange for a normal lifes, hoping to make their dreams come true this way.
„Silly I am. You had to…“ making a long breaks between words, taking his time..“Silly I’m, of course you did…There was more of those you dated or slept with …“ he mumled rather for himself than for the other one to hear.
„What’s that like then? I mean…Loving someone.“ his eyes left the world in which they had had wandered until  now. Not being back completely, rather somewhere out of all the worlds, carrying the darkness from both the places. A prisoner of his own inconsolable melancholy it seemed.
„And being loved by that person back...“ His absorbed eyes all of sudden sinking into those of the other one, asking the same question but with a whole new pack of emotions. They seemed to be blaming him for something as well.
Hungry for the answer, hurting and swallowed by the pain and chaos. Distant, yet touching the one from the inside. Forcing words out of the other one by a look carring to much to let one unshaken.
„As If I did.“ A murmur was heard.
Silence, but their eyes talked. Conversated on their own.
„Noone of them?“ instead of an answer, the man just bowed head and sent his eyes to the other space, filled with past, now becoming tasteless - not sweet not bitter. Full of memories of him not being alone, but still lonely.
„Why then? What was the point?“
„What are you tying to say Kibum? Or rather, what do you want me to say? Trying to act as my conciousnes out of blue. As if you don’t know me…“
„You know I’m not… „ playing with a glass, he spilled a bit on the table, surprised it wasn’t empty yet. He drunk the rest, holding it upside down for a long time over his mouth. his lips afterwards and puding the glass aside, rubbing the remnants of the liquid away from his lips with fingers distantly. He rested his face in his palmes then, connecting his eyes with the other pair watching his actions attentively so they had turn away sort of in shame.
 „I mean..Your songs…They are songs of someone who loved.“ he attracted attention of his companion again, their eyes clushing together, spotted by the similar sadness. Distant, drowned in a darkness, dirtened by untold pains.
„Ahm..I‘ve just never loved any of them. Then call it a love if you want. Being with those, just to keep your distance from the person you wanna be with, but you can‘t. Messing with others, yourself included, just to leave that one person out of the game. To keep your mind stright.“
The feline eyes dialated in surprise of the flood of words, then softened, filling up with affection. Touched maybe.
„Why you couldn’t though?“
„Dangerous. Too dangerous. I chose to live the life of a walking dead rather than losing than person totally. Or worse, watching our dreams being shuttered, both of us alongside with them. Doob in both possible options.“
„I don’t get it.“ He shoke with his head, then rested it again in his palm.“ That person knows?“
He nodded.
 „That person would leave me or had to live the hell I described before. I would have to give up my emotions and senses to tolarate this.“
The blond hair invading the way of the feline sight again, interrupting questions his eyes were sending violently. Puzzled.
„Why would you devastate yourself like that?“
„To keep that person by my side maybe. When something means a world to you, you wouldn’t mind selling the light away, as long as you could keep living, would you? Keeping the person in it that way …next to you ….harmless.“
The boy stayed quiet, eying the one who spoke, his eyes shiny, vitreous.
„Love can be a if you‘re asking that. Or is it the world? Let’s just end it up Bummie, whatever was eating your mind we drunk it away I guess.“ Trying to wrap the whole conversation up he stood up, walking pass his companion dizzily of all the toxics as well as of the amount he conffesed. When his hand was grabbed to make him stop. Long white fingers made their way around his waist, curlling  together at the front.
„Jjong…“the voice changed completely „..let me do something? For you?“ sounding as they came from the place those feline eyes used to wander through.
„Go sleep“ he anter piercingly out of surprise, not Viking the situation. Or liking it too much in reality, so escaping before the younger notice the shock he gave him was inevitable.
„But you’re obviously hurting…yourself the most.“
He tried to unwind the fingers and make yourself free, then he felt something to lean on his back which made him stop from the tenderness it bore.
„I’m not asking you to switch the light on, just to be a companion of yours…for this moment.“ Now he wispered the worlds against the side of his neck, sending shivers through the other‘s spine. Making his body all tensed. Freezed of what is possible to happen.
„Let me?“ a needy, begging voice was heard.
The white haired couldn’t move. If he did so, there would be only one possible way of how would this situation ended up. The worst among all, yet best at the same time. That little drunk thing didn’t know what was he asking for, all depressed about his own one sided love it seemed.

Right hand still around his waist, he moved slightly in front of the Older one, now looking into his eyes glowing in the darkness. Daring and pleading to let go. He loosen his left hand, sending it down the other ones cheek.
„Let me just peek into the darkness, you can even have your eyes shut. You did that with those before, you said so.“ His words became more sharp, stabing him from the inside.

For whom happy life I did it dummy?

„Stop it Kibum. You don’t know what you’re asking for!“  a voice annoyed by all the happening was heard.
„Then forget about this world and rules of yours for once Jesus! Let it be just a dream you had or something… I really need this to be able to lose myself as you did before. To help me. So I can save the very last bit of a common sense the one I’m in love with is rubbing me off. Just look at that as helping me this time, not giving it any importance as you did with the previous.“

He grabbed the jawline hastily then, their eyes so close, starting to giving up his worlds, feline guy being happy chat he said worked out, his lips playing with a little smirk.
„Just this time then? No next time acceptable.“ Jonghyun breathed, eyes filled up with lust.
Not able to really keep himself under control, Key pushed himself so close their lips were almost touching, eyes not seeing much as if the light had been switched off, being so close still coming closet.
,,As long as you view me as one of those with whom you’ve slept efore. It’s safe.“ Ran in his head.
„Forgeting about it as soon as it ends.“ Kibum added, not telling  the one hugging and kissing him brethlessly now, for both of them actually.
Without telling him he was the one he was hurting for.
Not being able to tell the truth, but petting the same he wanted by telling the lies.
Knowing the other one sacrificed everything so both of them could live happily side by side, he had to switch his own light and lose himself as well.





Once in a flat which wasn't mine I got inspired and sentimental, wrote this just out of a fruitless night staying up the whole time. 
Listening to Nell's The day before, spotted by the feelings it carries.
It's probably the only thing I'm posting...It lacks in every aspects, I'm sorry for all the mistakes you will come accross when reading.
I just though the emotions and this stories atmosphere is something to read during night or evening.
It was burried in my PC for too long probably.


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