sorry for the unrelated picture orz. i was thinking of putting it at the bottom but.... i already have another pic in mind lol

Hakyeon’s a teddy bear – broken to pieces on the inside, but sewn together with a smile.

What he shows on national television and what he does alone are totally different. On screen, he cheerily jokes around with his bandmates, playfully chides the dongsaengs and incessantly annoys Leo. But when he’s back home and everyone has gone to sleep, that is when the façade of N slips and the weak, insecure Hakyeon is left behind. He still smiles and laughs when the members wake up in the middle of the night for a trip to the bathroom or a glass of water. His smiles don’t reach his eyes; and his laughs soulless. Then again, he can’t remember when the last time he actually sincerely smiled was, the last time he was genuinely happy.

He hopes that the others don’t notice – he doesn’t want to burden them. He does notice that his bandmates might stare at him weirdly at times, as if they were trying to look through the mask he wears; the mask he tries desperately to fuse with his actual face. He’s confident that the others don’t notice, all except Taekwoon. He notices how Taekwoon’s always able to tell what each member’s true feelings are, how he seems to be able to see through everyone. There have been times where Taekwoon has stared so hardly at him that he was afraid the younger’s x-ray-like vision had pierced through his walls. Maybe next time he should build his walls with lead instead.

Hakyeon sits on the kitchen floor, leaning against the cupboards, and old sand-coloured teddy bear in his grasp. He would sit at the window, but looking at the city’s skyline from a high floor always tempted him to hurl himself over the edge. But alas, he had responsibilities and he couldn’t be selfish like that. Sighing, he held the teddy bear up by both its hands. He noticed how the stitches on the arms were starting to come off, with bits of stuffing coming out. The teddy bear has been with Hakyeon for as long as he remembers. He remembers hugging it to sleep as a child. He remembers stuffing the toy deep in his backpack in middle school, where most of his friends were undergoing puberty and would tease those that were still a little immature. He remembers how he carefully hid the toy with his jacket when he started staying in the dorms. He remembers taking it out when he needed company and didn’t want to bother anyone. Needless to say, this small, easily overlooked doll has pretty much been with him through everything.

“Hakyeon, why aren’t you asleep?” The sudden voice shocks said male as he instantly hides the worn toy behind his back. “Have you not been sleeping all this while?” He tries again, walking close to Hakyeon. He could only nod, heart beating rapidly in his chest as he backed up further against the cupboard.

“Why are you awake, Taekwoonie?” Hakyeon gives a question instead of explaining himself. This was one of the risks he always had to take whenever he decided to stay in the corner of the kitchen. While the others would make some noise – either groaning or the rustling of sheets – Taekwoon was as silent as a mime. One would never know he was there unless he announces his presence or someone saw him. When he receives no reply, Hakyeon asks again, “are you thirsty?” Hakyeon then proceeds to stand up and walk over to where they kept the jugs of water. But a pale hand stops him before he can pour a glass for Taekwoon.

“I don’t need water,” Taekwoon explains, taking the cup from Hakyeon and putting it back into its original position. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” his explanation stumps Hakyeon, freezing him in place. Has Taekwoon known all along? He knows that some people doubt his cheerfulness and had suspected Taekwoon once. But the main vocalist’s lack of action caused his suspicions to temporarily vanish. Hoping that Taekwoon was just drunkenly sleep-talking (or that maybe he was too tired to tell left from right), Hakyeon stretched a smile across his features, standing up to pat Taekwoon on his shoulder, all while keeping the sand-coloured teddy bear hidden behind him. It’s not that the others didn’t know about this toy that was always with him, they just didn’t know what it was for – just assuming that it was for decoration or something.

Taekwoon sighed, “Stop acting, Yeon. You may think no one notices but I see it clearly. Tell me what’s bothering you, please?” At this, Hakyeon immediately pushes Taekwoon away. No. It can’t be. He can’t know. Nobody can know.

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Taekwoon. Go back to sleep,” Hakyeon hastily replies, making a beeline for the shared bedroom. Once in his bed, he pulls the covers over his head and lies still. He knows Taekwoon wasn’t going to be fooled, but he at least wanted to send out the signal that he didn’t want to talk. He hears Taekwoon sigh again, but is glad that the younger doesn’t bother to say a thing to him.

Being the silent guy that he is, Taekwoon sees everything. He knows that secrets of others without them even breathing a word about it. He knows that Hakyeon isn’t as happy as what he tries to make himself out to be. He knows that Hakyeon seeks comfort and company in that worn out teddy bear. He knows that Hakyeon always stayed up at night, sometimes tugging on the loose pieces of thread at where the appendages were attached to its body. But what he doesn’t know was why. Why Hakyeon always hid from everyone when it was obvious he yearned for warmth, love and care that only a human or pet could provide. He was sure as hell there were no animals in the dorm (unless you can call Wonsik one for the amount of time he sleeps for) so it was beyond him why the tanned male enjoyed sitting in the dark corners of their home in the dead of the night. It’s ironic, he thought, how Hakyeon always fights to be in the spotlight when he’s N, but then he shrinks back into secluded corners when he’s Hakyeon.

Over time, Taekwoon notices how the stuffed bear started looking more and more mutilated. At least half the amount of threads has been picked out and the bear has slimmed significantly, probably from the amount of stuffing it had lost. From that experience with Hakyeon in the kitchen, Taekwoon learnt not to force Hakyeon on anything, and would just watch over him from his peripherals.

It’s only until he finds Hakyeon lying unconscious on the kitchen floor, bear deformed to a state of unrecognition that Taekwoon realises he should have pushed the boy. He should have persisted and kept annoying Hakyeon just like how the latter would on screen. He should have asked about why the bear seemed to get more and more butchered as the days past. He realises a little too late that Hakyeon might’ve received too much stress, too much pressure.

Hakyeon’s a teddy bear. No matter how badly damaged he was, his face would still have a smile – just like the sand-coloured plush toy. It was so badly mutilated, but on its face still remained the pleasant smile that toddlers giggled at.

Hakyeon’s a teddy bear. And Taekwoon realises a little too late that maybe, just maybe, the condition of the sand-coloured bear, how it was treated, was Hakyeon’s true self.

Hope you liked it! Hehe! It's the eve of Chinese New Year, so... HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARRR!! :DDD For those who celebrate: 龙马精神！马到功成！马上发！哈哈哈！

马年行大运！♥