Most of this would be from Siwon POV.

He was so breathtakingly beautiful, writhing under me. His hoarse voice when he screamed, when he gasped for an air, the way he shut his almond-shaped eyes. He was anything that could be defined as heaven, my own heaven.

And then it happened. My rushed through me like a forceful wave, make me dizzy with satisfaction I didn’t know ever exist. The world dissolved into white color as I collapsed on top of him, panting harshly, he was opening his full mouth, and sweats rolled on his cheeks and temples, glistening. I stared at him dizzily, waiting for reality to come back and slap me on face, hard.

And when it did, I felt my shoulder and my back sting, in where he bit me, scratch me with his nails.

Kyuhyun bit me… He clawed me…

‘What have I done?’ I thought, of course he wanted to throw me off, possibly he wanted to kill me right away if only he could.

The whole world froze; I tried to move away from him, pulled myself off and out of him. Kyu made a soft sound as I moved away, maybe a sound of relief, or maybe a sound of fear that I might do that again to him, the youngest member of the group. But I did not need to look at Kyu to confirm it, ‘I wouldn’t look at him, can’t even ever look at him again... Not after what I’ve done....’

Siwon stood up, grabbed his short and clothes, proceeded to wear them whilst Kyu was making another sound, soft gasp and sob… ‘I’ve hurt him….badly.. .’

Kyuhyun curled up on the bed, his flawless back turned to Siwon as he continued to sob silently. Remorse and guilt and surely hella self-loathing Siwon never knew was squeezing him on the chest. He almost reached for Kyu, wanting to soothe Kyuhyun nonetheless, but SIwon refrained himself for doing so, he had never been anything but destroyer, and he was the one who destroyed Kyuhyun.

And Siwon felt that he would be the last person Kyuhyun would want to touch him now.

Siwon knew he should stay, wait for the police to take him into custody, imprisoned him or wait for another member or even Kyuline to appear and bit him senseless, but he Siwon couldn’t. Kyuhyun was terrified enough already, and his presence was only going to make it worse. Siwon needed to go, so Kyuhyun could report him without fearing that Siwon might stop him. Siwon understood that he committed sin, he Kyuhyun, and he would be damned for it, but at least Siwon would surrender, because rapists, most of them wanted to get away from their crime, don’t they? But he wouldn’t.

Siwon stared at his reflection on the mirror that hanging on his large bedroom. The images played before his mind could recognize was like a movie. The argument, the raised voice, the words that were thrown in rage, and his pale skin and eyes filled with tears threatening to fall down as the lithe fingers clenched on the blanket, holding it tightly as if his life depended on it.

“Nothing ever matters to you, not about this, or about me, say something Siwon hyung.. say..” Kyuhyun sounded like he was pleading, desperate. Siwon only kept silence, he was the one at fault, abusing his own dongsaeng, no matter what he said, it wouldn’t change a thing, yes?

“You don’t say anything…..” Kyuhyun murmured.. “Get out..” His eyes flashed with determination. And before Siwon even realized what he was doing, his lips were on the pale boy, claiming him once again.

I shut my eyes, feeling as if I just gulped down a poisonous liquid into my throat as I remember shoving Kyuhyun onto the bed, ripping his clothes.. as I remember his scream, his whimpers when I entered him, his growled and mewled when I finally fame after ing into him like there was no tomorrow. I was an evil, I was supposed to be punished for this crime, for ruining my dongsaeng, for destroying someone’s life. I should get brutal punishment, which actually wouldn’t be justice because nothing could ever make up what I’ve done to him. He didn’t deserve this, and I didn’t deserve any redemption.

Siwon almost pulled his hair out of his scalp. The guilty feeling was making him feel like he did want to end his own life. Siwon was never a  man who would consciously hurt anyone, he was the one who always obliged the rules, being obedient, and there had never dawned to him that he would allow himself to be driven by his lust by his desire and hurt someone else, the one that he always said his important person.

Siwon didn’t know what kind of lust descended on him so he didn’t - couldn’t control it before, there would be no mercy, he wished. He actually, sincerely hoped there would make him pay. Siwon hoped they would throw him into the wolves, electrocuted him, or even beheaded him, and then when he was finally dead, it would perhaps be one small thing towards healing Kyuhyun’s wound.

Siwon didn’t want the members to speak for him, he didn’t even want they would forgive him, in fact, when members and Kyuhyun’s bestfriend heard about what he did to Kyuhyun, they would be the first to demand for his head.

Kyuhyun was his most precious person among the members, among others. Kyuhyun was always there for him, when his beloved granny passed away, Siwon ran to him, ask for comfort, and ask for strength. Kyuhyun always held his hands with such tenderness, he would never ask what was wrong anytime Siwon came to him, he would hug him and made him feel like home.

Years ago, when Siwon felt like he was broken into pieces because of the betrayal of his lover-once-, Kyuhyun was the only one who would held him, held his hand through the endless nightmares and lulled him to sleep.

Kyuhyun had trusted him, but he broke his trust into tiny, bleeding pieces which shattered on the floor where he stepped onto. And what was the worst, Siwon used his power against him in the very worst way possible either, used it to take what was important to him, scare him, -his body-, and by force nonetheless.

It was wrong, Siwon knew, but maybe deep inside he also knew that was the only possible way Siwon could have him because Siwon also knew that Kyuhyun would never look at him more than a brother, a team mate…

At  least, Siwon accepted this, he had known for sometime that he had one whole different level of feeling towards the magnae, no matter that became so twisted and sick that he would force himself on Kyuhyun.  And Siwon would be glad to be killed for the crime he committed, for him could not bear the guilty feeling.

The problem was he sincerely hoped that Kyuhyun would not forgive him, or even worse endured everything to save him, to set him off because he would do anything for anyone’s good. Because even statistics estimated at least more than fifty percents of went unreported, especially when the victims were familiar with the , they would blame themselves instead, thinking that somehow it was their god darn fault to be in the very first place. Then, Kyuhyun would merely throw away all the evidences and tried to pretend that everything was normal the day after. That would be unforgiving for Siwon himself.

‘Don’t do that Kyuhyun. Don’t cover me. Make me pay for what I’ve done to you, what I took from you, make me pay it with flesh and blood. Don’t show me any mercy because I deserve that, because no other punishment can equal the one I forced upon you”.

That was why Siwon finally decided, he would go to the dorm, he would ask the members to gather and he would confess it and accept any punishment they would give to him. Siwon could only hope whatever the punishment he might get, it would bring Kyuhyun some forms of closure.

And there he was... standing infront if the dining table near the kitchen in the dorm, facing Leeteuk whilst waiting for the rest to come. Siwon clenched his fist, he couldn’t feel his heart beat anymore, too furious to be calmed down. He needed to say it now, at least Leeteuk would know it first so he could think for something... anything before the members appear.

“I am here to confess a crime, hyung” Siwon’s voice was stern, flat and contained.

Teukie lifted his eyebrow, what the heck was happening? Siwon was indeed strange, he was acting like he was out of his mind. But Teuk only stared at him, waiting for any further explanation to come up.

“Yesterday, at around 10 pm.. I Cho Kyuhyun.”

Halfway to his lips, Teukie’s cup filled with lemon tea slipped from his grip and shattered on the floor and the cup was broken into pieces.

Thirty minutes after the long silence, I heard footsteps coming in, I assumed it must be the members, I could hear Eunhyuk hyung and Donghae hyung bickered about something and Chullie hyung seemed like threaten them. I looked at Teukie hyung, he had called them and asked them to make it faster to come although from what I heard, Kyuhyun was still on his way to get to the dorm after practicing his musical.

The members were already here. Maybe they were so confused looking at rugged Teukie hyung and me who was standing lifelessly. Heechul hyung frowned, he already leaned on the wall, folding his arms on his chest.

“So, what the hell is happening? Teukie hyung, you said uri Kyunnie was being ually assaulted, is that true?” Heechul hyung tone was full of anger, his eyes were burning, ready to torture anyone if what he heard was the truth which I knew it was the truth.

“Hyung… please tell me it’s not happening...” The small, high pitched, feminine voice trembled; I saw Wookie gripped someone’s arm that stood behind him, Yesung hyung. The most mysterious person among the members, Yesung hyung seemed much calmer, but something in the way he was standing made me shivered, make the hair on my neck prickled, like there was some static in the air.

Teukie hyung glanced at me which made all the members looked at me. I looked at them one by one. I couldn’t change my mind now. “Siwon?” Sungmin hyung called me, it was so faint like a whisper.

I repeated what I had told Teukie hyung, dull and dead like it was played automatically. “Yesterday, at around 10 pm.. I Cho Kyuhyun.”

Everyone posture became rigid and stiffed. Some of them even hitched.

Donghae hyung stared at me disbelievingly “I don’t believe you. It’s a joke, yes? You wouldn’t… You could never do that to uri Kyunnie.”

“Hae is right, Siwonnie, you would never ever hurt Kyunnie..” Eunhyuk hyung babbled.

“We argued, I dragged him into the bedroom, pushed him onto the bed, undressed him and forced him to have with me….” I recited blankly. I couldn’t feel a thing, my mouth tasted bitter like I was swallowing needles and poison.

“You wouldn’t have..” Eunhyuk hyung’s voice was weaker now.

I raised my hand, ed my white shirt and revealed the back and the neck where Kyuhyun clawed me. “I him..” I said it again for the umpteenth time.

“The hell, said that you are lying Choi Siwon, or I swear to whatever you believe that I will tear you into pieces myself!” Heechul hyung grabbed my shoulders and shook me violently.

“I him, hyung..” I repetead again. This time Donghae  hyung hugged Heechul hyung so that he couldn’t do anything to me. I didn’t mind being beaten actually. I deserved that, maybe more.

“STOP SAYING THAT!” Kangin hyung finally shouted after being silence since he had come. Kangin hyung’e eyes were wild, he was in the urge to lose control. I hope he would. I was almost screaming to them, to anyone to finally hit me, to anyone to make suffer some amounts of pain that Kyuhyun must have also suffered when I.. did that to him…

“Are you sure?” Yesung hyung asked, his voice was low.

What … was… that? Yesung hyung doubted me? I stared at him ridiculously. “Kyuhyunnie didn’t say a thing last night. He didn’t report anything or tell anything about being , he didn’t call or even text one of us.” Yesung hyung elaborated.

“Most of rapists go unreported.” I stated obviously.

“Maybe both of you were drunk…?” Teukie hyung suggested. I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs. Why they made excuses for me? They should be hitting me, they should be skinning me alive for being such a sinner, they should be doing something, anything but standing there calmly, trying to talk me out of my guilt. Didn’t they understand that Kyuhyun suffered. Suffered at the hands of his team mate, of his hyung, someone who was supposed to take care of him not abusing him.

Teukie hyung stared at me, now with such a tender eyes, “I must admit it, Siwon. You do not behave like any will. I’ve never seen a come and confess their sin and then beg for maximum punishment they can get instead of asking for leniency of corporation, especially because you do know that you have such power to do that.”

Yesung hyung nodded whilst the others were silent, mouth gaping and lowered their heads, they seemed to understand Teukie hyung reason in which I couldn’t comprehend. Didn’t they understand? I, Choi Siwon, should be condemned as one of the most despicable creature on earth, sparing only to murderers or terrorists. Didn’t they understand that I should be killed and tortured for what I did?

“There’s a way for this… Kyuhyun is coming, we should hear from him..” Teukie hyung added calmly. I was shocked, should they ask Kyuhyun to remember that again? It would torment him.

“Don’t…” I whispered.

“Don’t question him.. don’t make him relive… It will hurt him again…” I murmured. They couldn’t do this to Kyuhyun, it was enough. “That was another point, Siwon. We still need to hear from him.” Teukie hyung said and I knew whatever I said it would not change his mind.

Light footsteps sounded in the hallway outside the dorm, something turned over in my chest and I felt like my stomach flinched. The door was opened once again.

Kyuhyun was there. He was wearing dark jeans and long sleeves white t-shirt. I kept my eyes on the floor, didn’t dare to look at him. But I know the second he saw me, he gasped and tried to maintain his composure. I resisted the urge to squirm and prayed for somehow the floor was swallowed me and put me directly to hell.

“What’s going on here?” Kyuhyun’s voice was timid, a little bit hoarse and his eyes were swollen, I knew, he had been crying, and it was because of me.

“You’ve been crying!” Hyukkie hyung exclaimed and I did want to hit him. Of course he had cried. One of those people he trusted just used and broke that trust in the worst possible way, of course he had been crying!

“What’s matter Kyu?” Donghae hyung and Hyukkie rushed to him, squeezing him in the middle.

“I… I’d rather not to say...” He mumbled. His eyes also darted on the floor though I knew he spared a second to peek a glance at me.

  “Kyu.. Why are you wearing scarf?” Teukie hyung asked, there was something in his voice that made me think he finally reconsider what I had told him instead of shrugging it off like it was just a sick joke.

“It’s… cold…” Kyuhyun unconsciously gripped the scarf, “Anyway, why no one is answering me, what’s going on here?” He asked. “Why is Siwon hyung sat down on the floor, wearing no shirt?”

“There was an.. incident..” Yesung hyung said, “Therefore, could you remove your scarf, Kyunnie? You’ll get heat . The heater in the dorm is working fine by the way..”

“I.. I don’t want to..” Kyuhyun trembled. Teukie hyung eyed him and me. “As the leader of the team I ask you to remove the scarf, Kyu.” He ordered using his stern voice that we couldn’t say no. I did want to shout to him to stop humiliating Kyuhyun infront of the members. Why should he do that to him? Why should they make them feel so embarrassed? Should they feel ashamed?

Kyuhyun swallowed hard, and then slowly removed the scarf that covered his neck, showing the red marks (I did emphasize on the plural forms) on his white pale neck. “Huh? Kyunnie, you sure got bitten by lots of bugs!” Wookie yelled. Kyuhyun blushed and I did growl, despite of everything why should Wookie hyung acted so inncocent at this time. “B-but, Siwonnie told us that he you, he didn’t, did he?”

“What??? You said you me?” It took few minutes for me to understand that Kyuhyun address me, that he was willing to talk to me, I would have thought he would never ever want to talk with me again.

“Why?” Kyuhyun asked so tenderly, his voice was so smooth and so soft like cream, and my lungs suddenly felt heavy, maybe after this, I wouldn’t have chance to hear it again.

Kyuhyun seemed to wait for answer, so I gave one. “Because I did.” I said to him, eyes still stuck on the floor.  Everybody was keeping their mouth shut, probably because they’ve finally got it, or maybe Kyuhyun’s expression told them. What was his expression? Was it hatred? Anger?

I heard his move toward me, and a warm hand touched my shoulder. Why did Kyuhyun touch me? Did he not feel so disgusted with me? I had expected that he would not even have the will to breathe the same air with me.

“You didn’t me, Siwonnie..” My head snapped, I stared at his almond shape eyes, those caramel iris stared back at me, and I jerked away, I felt like a sinner infront of an angel, he blinded me.

“I you..” I said… “I ually assaulted you, I forced myself on you, I violated you, I am sure there will be many ways to say it but the thing is I pushed you down and ed you against your will, and God knows how I should be damned for it.” My eyes were burning also, tears were already there. I felt so frustrated.

“No… No..” Kyuhyun whispered, falling to his knees, his warm hands cupping my face, gently making me to stare directly at him “You didn’t me, hyung..”

I stared at him, how could he still say no? how could he still try to save me? “I DID, KYU! I DID!” I screamed out of frustration. Kyuhyun’e eyes glittered, he inhaled deeply.

“No hyung.. You never me. That was not a ..” He paused, look a bit embarrassed at what about he was to say infront of the ‘audiences’. “Did I.. Did I ever tell you to stop?” He asked me.

My eyes widened, my whole body froze, my mind tried to replay all the memories from what happened last night, lust and love and violence, but I couldn’t remember any of him saying “No or Stop”

Then my mind was being numb for all those what ifs scenarios playing inside, what if it was never whimpers of pain? But a moan of pleasure? What ifs it was never agonizing growl and screamed but shout of ecstasy?

But again it seemed so impossible, we were talking about Cho Kyuhyun here. He was Kyuhyun, a beautiful person on earth in every single way possible, loved and valued and cherished by anyone who knew him, and there was me a gentleman outside but a sinful at heart who taunted him to no end.

“Did you…? Did you tell me to stop?” I barely recognized my voice, it was full of fear and faint hope.

“No I didn’t.” Kyuhyun shook his head, “Instead.. I told you to keep going…” He added with another blush on his pale cheeks.

An electric wave of relief hit me, but still I couldn’t believe it, he had cried that night which meant I hurt him. “But you cried..  I hurt you..”

Kyuhyun swallowed again, I could see it from his eyes that he was debating with himself whether he would tell me something he hadn’t or not. Though finally he opened his mouth, “ Your words hurt me when we argued. But what happened afterwards.. It wasn’t sweet or a tender love making, it was merely , maybe it shouldn’t have happened like that, but again, you would never force anything on me, Siwonnie, I was.. a willing participant.. more than willing I think, to finally let you hold me…it was consensual…” Kyuhyun whispered.

“So, I didn’t you.. I didn’t you…” I was babbling like a moron. I didn’t care if I was look like a moron, I didn’t care that even Kyuhyun rubbed my back, tried to soothe me like I was a hysterical child, and I didn’t even give a damn that the members stared at us.

The fact that I didn’t force him, he was willing, just as willing as I was, sent me a great relief.

“Hyung.. Why.. why did you think that you…” Kyuhyun sounded hesitant to bring back the topic we left behind.

“Because it’s you.. you are you… I mean.. you are Cho Kyuhyun.. the snarky, witty magnae, but above them all, you are the purest and most untainted one.. I.. I didn’t think you would ever let me touch you.. you know.. You always hated skinship…. “ I babbled again. I just couldn’t explain to him, but in my eyes he was the most precious person in this world, he was my important person. And I couldn’t think less of him.

Kyuhyun giggled, and it was so good to hear him laugh, it was soothing me more than anything else. “You are emotionally wrecked, aren’t you? Ah.. and idiot too…” He said, well the ‘idiot’ part stung my pride but I was not angry, not even a bit. He was too lovely to be the target of my anger.

Some part of my dull mind dimly noted that everyone left the room to give us privacy, but I couldn’t be careless, not if I was embracing him in my arms, and inhaled this certain honey-apple-cinnamon scent from the crook of his neck, it felt like I wouldn’t get enough of him.

“I’m sorry..” I murmured against his neck.

“I said you didn’t-..”

“No,, I’m sorry for shouting at you.. I’m sorry for hurting you with my words.. I.. I don’t know back then.. I mean, I don’t like it when you are close with another person.. But I think I only liked you as dongsaeng and I still loved her.. But then.. I couldn’t control myself when you said that I was nothing for you… So I… I don’t know.. But I think… I think… I like you.. Ah.. I don’t want to lose you…” I was so confused with myself..

“You’re hesitating..” Kyuhyun cupped my face and planted rain kisses all over my face, he smiled faintly.

I made a vague affirmative noise, I didn’t want to hurt him again by giving him false hope hence I couldn’t bear the thought that he would walk away from my life, I needed him. Maybe I already loved him, though I needed to make sure of it.

“We’ll work on it.. I will wait.” He promised, “Together..” Kyuhyun’s lips were on mine, only slight kiss but I felt like being freed from any burden that chained me up.

“Together..” I nodded.

And then he reassured me in a very good way, he drawed me into another kiss, in which I obliged much to deepen it, continuously.