Wednesday, January 22 2014

Dear Yifan,

I wonder if you’d read this letter actually. Trashing it the second you read where this letter came from is probably what you’d do. But I can’t help it. I am sorry.

Yesterday I was alone again, our once shared apartment is now very.. cold? It’s just a feeling I get whenever I walk in into it. I got a new roommate his name is Yixing. He’s incredibly nice if you’re wondering, I hope you are… Well anyway, Yixing is more like me in a way, we get along pretty quickly but it doesn’t feel right. I read once somewhere saying that your home isn’t your house, it’s a matter of where you feel like you belong. The comfort that place gives you, the safety feeling of it and all the warmth you’ll ever need. Simply put my house isn’t my home anymore.

Yesterday was pretty cold don’t you think? My class got canceled and I didn’t know that. So there I was sitting alone like a complete idiot for a good hour until some janitor told me this class got canceled. So I decided to you know go somewhere, you know I’m a greasy cheese ball so I went reminiscing. I went to Jongdae’s graveyard and just broke down. He was a good kid, I kinda hated the fact that I couldn’t do anything when he was dying. I couldn’t do anything when he’s being buried. I couldn’t do anything when his parents took his stuff away. I wished you were there with me again, but hey live goes on right? He’d definitely don’t want any of us to mourn over his death anymore. So, there I was crying until someone came up to me, he was holding an umbrella. I didn’t notice it was raining. He said his name was Kyungsoo, he came with his boyfriend it was Jongin if I’m not mistaken, apparently they’re Jongdae’s high school friend. He asked me why I was bawling like that, i couldn’t say anything. You’d say that it’s my irrational guilt and all and I don’t even know why I did that. So he told me to let my baggage go. His words were sincere enough for me to consider it.

So here I am, writing this letter from our place. Or a place that was considered “ours”. Until yesterday I wouldn’t even think about this place because it reminds me of you. How you took me here for our 3rd date. How we put our locks here and get those nasty potato sticks.. Namsan was like a taboo for me. But I am writing at the top of the tower overlooking Seoul hoping once you read this you know how much you meant to me then and now and forever. I put some locks on the fences, they’re all under your name.. I wouldn’t be able to know if you’re keeping your health so I put a lock for you and your eternal health. Another one for you and your career, one for your happiness, and lastly one for your love. I know you’ve moved on and I know things went titanic because of me. And I am sorry for that.

I’m sorry for not coming to your games that often.

I’m sorry for being a clingy boyfriend.

I’m sorry that I was a possessive douchebag with no common sense.

I’m sorry I made you cheat on me.

I’m sorry for everything I do. Good, bad it doesn’t matter anymore does it?

And I am sorry for writing this letter.

Forget me now will you? I am trying to forget you but I know I will never.

Forever yours,

Kim Junmyeon.