[Hyung, I am thinking sushi tonight. Do you think if we don't tell Hyunseung hyung about it he might welcome the change?]

He read the text message from Dongwoon with half squinting eyes. ‘Too early to trick Hyunseung, Dongwoonah,’ he mentally replied and tossed his phone somewhere, preferably not too close to feel it vibrating again in exactly 15 minutes, which is almost always the case if he didn't reply to any of Dongwoon’s text messages early in the morning. A morning of this particular date. But he’s used to it, and 15 minutes after he smiled at a signature “hyuuuung ~~~~” he felt when the phone vibrated again.

---

He had just finished showering when he heard the constant vibrating of his phone. He didn't hurry to get it, even if it might be important. Ignoring the vibration, he took his time to go downstairs to grab a glass of water and set the coffee machine on and just stare at the silent space of his apartment. A slice of morning peaks through the broken white curtain, the surrounding area of his living room was dim at most. This is the exact apartment of some pragmatic (and probably cold and lonely too), highly-paid executive or some sort with the dark grey sofa, wooden desk, huge plasma TV on the beige colored wall, bookshelf filled with books that Dongwoon and Junhyung gave him to read. They are all merely decoration and hardly used. He likes to entertain the thought that it is completely different with his small apartment. It was small and cramped, and every time that person came by everything became smaller, but so full of live. But this one was big and minimalistic. pragmatic and suave. Had he become such person now?

People can come to the conclusion that he was happier back then, and this change of nuance is an indication that he is most probably not as happy as he once was in that small apartment, living his dream with the other 5. Or at least that what his fangirls would have exactly thought of, he knew them all too well. It’s just adulthood, he would argue. Back then he was young and things seemed simpler. Everybody went through that phase and accepted maturity. Young foolishness had to go, and the heart of a boy had to change into the heart of a man.  

‘One does not.’

He heard it clearly in his head. Spoken in that annoyingly nasal voice of an old friend. He smirked and chose to ignore it by opening the curtain to let the light in. There were some booklets of some new artists on top of the desk that he had to review soon; they had been left there for quite some time now. He’s not the kind of person who likes to leave works pending, everybody who has been working with him knows of this trait. ‘It’s just the season,’ he thought and determined that he would be reviewing them as soon as this ends.

“I called you so many times already! Where were you?” the voice from the other end whines familiarly.

“I was in the shower! And it’s not even 8 yet what’s with the constant barraging of phone calls.” he whines back like the old times.

“I thought you overslept.” He rolled his eyes unconsciously at that comment. As if he would, not on a day like this. “Anyway, pick me up today my manager has something to discuss with a writer and I don't feel like driving alone.”

“What happened to Dongwoonie?” He knew he wasn't the first choice, and Junhyung or Hyunseung wouldn't even be considered as an option.

“He was spending the night in his girlfriend’s house so she would drop him off at the court. Oh, I’m off schedule today so let’s have lunch first.”

“That cunning bastard! No wonder he was up so early, who is it this time?” He heard Kikwang’s signature laugh over the phone and smiled himself, “Okay, I’ll come by at 11 and bring me that soccer shoes you borrowed last year! My new ones aren’t broken in yet.”

The only replied he got was a ‘yes yes yes…’ and then the annoying cut-off tone. ‘That little piece of ,’ he mused.

---

He called Hyunseung some time after 9 just to hear some familiarity before their meet up. Apparently Hyunseung had just woken up and he can tell through Hyunseung’s ‘hmm’ of answering the phone that he was not pleased to be woken up.

“You don’t forget today, right?” He heard some mumbling and the shuffling of sheet, Hyunseung was probably checking the time.

A sigh on the phone, “no, today at 3. Like usual. Why?”

“Nothing. It’s just that Dongwoon said he’s thinking of Sushi. So I though I might let you know beforehand.” He waited for exactly 5 seconds before everything finally clicked in Hyunseung’s mind.

“No.” and then came the hang-up tone. He mentally smiled. No one took meat more seriously than Jang Hyunseung.

---

Dongwoon was enjoying his bacon and egg when his phone chimed.

[No sushi. Bill’s on you.]

“Goddamit! That traitor!”

He swore he could hear a sinister laugh echoing in his mind. He should know better not to trust that imp. He was after all the third in BEAST when it comes to prank after Doojoon hyung and Junhyung hyung. A realization dawned on him like a splash of cold water, ‘it’s been quite a while,’ he thought. It was hard to digest at first, but after some moments, a soft smile can be seen plastered on his face as he took a piece of bacon and continued with his breakfast.

---

It’s been 7 years. Well, 7 years 3 months and 19 days. Not that he’s counting of course, he just happened to remember.

There was nothing remarkably special that day. They were preparing for an album, and everyone was busy with their own schedule with some spare time here and there to pursue what little freedom they had as idols.  It’s funny how he can remember everything in detail sometimes and completely forget about it at other times. Memory can play weird trick on people, and he’s not sure he liked that idea.

He remembered having nothing scheduled that day and so decided to go boxing. Junhyung was always holed up in his dungeon during album preparation, and he might come by later tonight to check up on things and help with the tidbits. Hyunseung was at his family home to spend some quality time with his mother and sister, and most probably checking up on who his sister was currently dating and if possible convinced his sister to dump the unworthy man. Dongwoon went to his classes (he’s just attending classes, not like he’s a model student or anything like that! he’s an IDOL) and prospected the market. By market he meant the girls on his campus of course. He has always been a cassanova, a good looking one at that. Kikwang was probably sleeping. He had just finished filming a new chick flick drama. Oh God how he hated roles like that. He cannot bear to act the role of some romantic guy not having any girlfriend and then falling in love with some unique out-of-the-box character that he of course hated at first. But Kikwang was never a complainer. He took what he can get while slowly building his reputation, planting some good words and impressions here and there that he would later on reap. And Dujun was using his free time to play soccer. Oh boy what else he would do if not his majestic soccer. There’s an uncomfortable pinch in his stomach every time Yoseob thought of it because, of course, it has to be soccer.

‘Of course it has to be soccer that ends up killing him.’

---

He received the news exactly two hours after Doojoon was pronounced dead. There were 79 missed calls and 33 messages on his phone. What a sure sign that something was terribly wrong. Everyone was trying to reach him, and by everyone he meant literally everyone, even his noona learnt of the news earlier than him and sent him a message of comfort. He’s not even sure that he’s in the top 100 of people who first knew that Yoon Doojoon of BEAST was no longer among the living.

It was all because of his boxing. He loved it so much that he always put his phone on silent mode (not even vibrating, mind you) in his bag when he practiced. That was his own world. No one there was an idol or remotely famous. Just a bunch of regular dudes punching each other in the face. Some fangirls did come, but after he asked for some privacy nicely they never bothered him again.

So right after he had finished his boxing practice and had a nice cold shower, imagine how shocked he was to see the amount of missed calls and messages residing in his phone. The first one was coming from Noh Jihoon, and then alternately after s, his managers, Hong appa, his father, his mother, BTOB members, and a bunch of names he never bothered himself with. He was too afraid to open the messages. There was just this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he could not explain. Did everyone undergoing the same thing feel the same way, he wondered. In retrospect, had he been careful and meticulous and less panicky (in his defense, he wasn’t even panicky, just a little confused), he would be able to tell that among those 79 missed calls, none came from Doojoon. If he knew that, maybe he would be a little bit prepared when he received a call from Yongbok hyung just at that second. But then again, maybe he would feel too nauseated to even have the strength to receive the call. Had he known about it.

---

Doojoon fell when he was trying to score and apparently hit his head on the goal post. Yoseob was sure things like this happened all the time in the soccer world. Strikers would supposedly be bound to hitting some things, goal post or not goal post, one way or another. But of course it had to be Doojoon who died over hitting a goal post.

What a big idiot. Tch.

There was a strange feeling swimming in his stomach when Yongbok told him the news. He was very careful, asking him where he was and how he got there and who he was with before delivering the blow. And after that it came as simple as, “Yoseobah, Doojoon fell when he was playing soccer. Everyone else has gathered here, do you need someone to pick you up?” there was no ‘doojoon is dead’ but he had that overtly written gut feeling jabbing at his heart. He knew, and at that instant moment when he acknowledged it, nothing was heavy, everything was light.

“Hyung…”

“Yes, yoseobah. Just, please come immediately.”

He went on autopilot after. The body had that kind of capacity it seemed. Grabbing his bag, running out from his gym, and hailing taxi, all happened in mere seconds. And if people said it felt like forever, it didn't. It felt like seconds, exactly that. Nothing more, nothing less. The taxi ride too felt all too normal. It's not like he was expecting something more dramatic, but this kind of thing had been written one too many times right? The lack of novelty in his own situation disturbed his senses. He had been watching too much drama it seemed.

There was no traffic jam, and most definitely no flashback or visions of the dead playing trick to his eyes. The taxi smelled like the peeled skin of oranges left forgotten. The old driver played an old Teresa Teng song. He was reminded of that time when Hyunseung changed the lyrics of her song into a somewhat rap song and smiled. But this one was a different song. Yoseob had heard this one often, at some random places and random moments like this. It sung a language he didn't understand, but he knew this one was talking about the moon and unwavering love or some sort. He suppressed a snort at the cliched idea.

Upon closer inspection, he looked kind of like Hyunseung's dad. Cheery old man with streaks of wisdom on his face carved from experience. Yoseob had the sudden urge to strike a conversation with the old man. After all, taxi driver has a lot to tell and boy those stories were always amazing. But he couldn't open his mouth. Afraid that maybe something else would come out instead. The world is a funny place sometimes. That was his only impression of the taxi ride to Doojoon's funeral.

 
---

Everyone else was already on their black mourning attire when Yoseob came in his short, jumper and cap. Dongwoon looked like he had been crying all night long. ‘It had just been a few hours,’ Yoseob thought. He would had the context been different. But before he could do anything else, the other 5 welcomed him with a group hug.

Wait. It should be 4 now. That explains how it didn’t feel as crowded as it usually was. It felt so weird. He wasn’t sure what was it he was feeling back then. His mouth felt like dust. There was something clogging his throat and stomach. It wasn’t until he heard Junhyung sobbing that he started to cry too. As if on cue, everyone turned hysterical. Nobody said anything. What was even worthy to be said anyway. Now that Yoseob was there, the mourning circle was completed. Nothing else can be heard besides the sobbing of grown men. Yoseob would bet that had he been just any random person attending the funeral, that was such a sight to be hold. 5 people with arms around each other, becoming one another's pillar of support. The simple act of lending a hand and giving a hand was there at its finest moment. at its saddest moment.

Jintaek separated them because Yoseob needed to change to a more appropriate attire for a funeral. A manager needed to do his duty even at times like this, he was no less sad than everyone else in this room, he should be given some time to grieve too. But alas, he was still a manager, even in the funeral of someone he held dear, and that gave him a reason to be strong.
 

Yoseob wiped his tears and snots, washed his face and put on the black suit Jintaek had prepared. They did not exchange any word. When he got out, Junhyung was carried by some managers because he fainted. Hyunseung looked like he could not bear to be there and he was half so unbelievably broken and half looking so annoyed. Who could blame him when he had lost his father a few years back. Dongwoon and Kikwang could not stop crying. In the midst of all this, Yoseob was just completely confused and it’s not even funny that Junhyung of all people fainted. People would assume it would be Yoseob who cannot withstand this blow. Maybe it was good that Junhyung fainted, he was spared the agony. When he woke up everything would be over and done. Yoseob was left there to care for his three other members and acted like the substitute leader. He loathed it to his very bone.

 
Oh boy didn't he feel like screaming. He wanted to make everything stop for a second and just yell ‘whatever the is happening right now!’ and throw profanities. But that's the thing! The world did not stop Yoseobah. Not even for a second for you. The world did not stop and mourn because had died. After this, people would tell Yoseob their condolences and went to eat. Tomorrow a new day would come and the world would continue exactly as Doojoon had foolishly left off. He didn't like this one bit. Something should change. There should be some indication that one person had left the world and would never come back. He wanted to see a dent in this world that was caused by Doojoon's death. an eternal reminder that at certain point in his life, Yoon Doojoon had been taken away from his life. But life goes on. 'Well that, definitely not for the dead,' he mentally retorted. So close to begging for everything to stop, his body automatically walked to where s stood. He bit his lips instead and stood next to Dongwoon who had given up on wiping his tears and just letting them fall freely.

He didn’t know how much time has passed or who have greeted them to convey their condolences. He read on the news portal some time after that people were saying how he was really collected and acted as the pillar s needed. He who cried like a baby during a concert was calm and collected on Doojoon’s funeral, Doojoon would break into a laughing spree at that and hit him on the back of his head for choosing such an untimely manner to act collected. He would call him stupid after that.

Saehoon hyung came to him and ask whether he wanted to see Doojoon. He didn't say ‘for the last time’, but it was floating somewhere. Unsaid, but conveyed. Unheard, but received. Some people in his close circle still questioned and talked about why he said ‘no.’ They assumed that maybe because if he saw Doojoon, he would break apart and run amok or something crazy like that. He heard a lot of people saying how Doojoon was very handsome in his black suit. ‘It looked like a pictorial,’ someone claimed. Damn Doojoon still looking overtly handsome even in his coffin. Doojoon would definitely love that and tell everyone that unnecessary information. But he was dead, wasn't he? Like really dead, dead. He found it hard still to grasp the idea. There would not be anymore bickering heard in their dormitory. No more nasal sounding voice that can be so irritating sometimes. No more crazy prank. No more annoying imitations that were worn out by time and lost its funniness over countless renditions. No more leader abuse and member hitting. Doojoon is dead, yoseobah. He heard a voice in his head, and it strangely came in Junhyung’s voice.

What sick joke is this?

Yoseob choked on his own tears, his right hand covering his mouth and his other hand clutching his stomach. That was the first time after he heard the news when he felt like his feet could not bear the weight of his body. He had this massive force in him that wished to see Doojoon. to hold Doojoon in his arms and just hold him. It's a simple idea really. He wanted Doojoon, here and now, and he wanted to tiptoe (why was he born short anyway?) and put his chin on Doojoon's shoulder and gave him his best hug. He might want to say some things. anything really. People said proper goodbye made it easier right? If he were given the chance to do that, would this heaviness disappeared? He swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth when he felt an arm wrapped around his shoulder, giving him a tight comforting hug. Oh this height. He wished he could be absorbed by the hug and disappear into nothingness. He wished his every being could puff into thin air and ceased to exist. He wouldn't like long hug from any person of this height anymore after this. or boxing.

“We’ll get through this Yoseobah, we will.” Jintaek whispered in his ear. And he knew at that very moment he would not forget that for the rest of his life. He knew that later in his dying bed, he would recount that voice again simply because it sounded in his ear as that one voice he longed to hear the most, just one more time. Doojoon’s voice. He hugged that person back and said the first and only word he really meant that day.

Doojoonah…

---

Yoon Doojoon passed away at the age of 26. He was the first idol of his generation who died. And he would be the only idol in history who died in a soccer practice, hitting his head on a goal post. ‘Tch, that’s idiotic Doojoonah. At least go like Kubo Yoshiharu and be a legend, babo ya!’ he would later tell Doojoon when he came visiting his grave alone.

And today is the day where they get to do something they always do after his passing together, celebrating Doojoon’s birthday.