“Nobody knows it, but you’ve got a secret smile . . .”

I never understood the meaning of instant attraction, until I met you.

            Sure, there had been people who I’ve given the once over, but it was different with you. It was like your beauty hit me like a lightning bolt, electrifying my body and bringing me to life. But the thing was, there was nothing special about you . . . Except that smile. As training was tough and the hours were long, you barely smiled. But there were those rare moments when I would catch you glancing out the window, watching the cherry blossoms descend, and you would think about something that made you happy, and you would smile.

            But there are different types of smiles when it comes to you. There are the smiles that are forced, like when Sooyoung makes fun of your height. There are smiles that are half-hearted, almost as if you want to smile completely, but cant. There are the bright smiles, the smiles that occur when your mother calls or on our days off. But my favourite, is your secret smile.

I had never understood falling hard and fast, until even while I was awake, I’d dream of you.

            We had lived together for so long; it was only natural to want to know everything about you. We would divulge with each other about ourselves, our likes, our dislikes, our favourite things; the usual best friend topics. But then that night happened.

            We were half sitting, half lying next to each other, trapped under the safe confines of your blanket. You held a flashlight in your hand, raising the beam under your chin. I laughed at your childishness, telling you to take the game seriously. You wondered what more we could possibly ask each other, after all, at seventeen years old, what don’t you know about your best friend? You asked for help with the question, and I answered, telling you to ask the first thing that comes to mind. And you did. You looked me in the eye, and said the sentence that changed everything.

            “Have you ever thought about kissing a girl?”

            I remember my reaction as clear as day. I hit you with a pillow, calling you a ert. Once the laughter subsided and the air became thick, I noticed you were still looking at me, your expression stone-like. I remember my gaze drifting to your mouth; my eyes taking in the curve of your Cupid’s bow and your plump bottom lip. It was captured between your teeth, something you always do when you’re nervous. Then I noticed, I was nervous too. The atmosphere between us changed, the silence consuming us to the point where neither of us could take it anymore. So, I leant forward, placing my lips on yours.

I never understood the concept of sneaking around, until I needed you.

            It was hard after we debuted, that much was certain. But we had prepared for that, we knew it was coming. After practice, one of us would claim to need help on the dance steps, and the other would always offer their assistance. The short hours we spent together in the room are easily some of my favourite memories. There wouldn’t be any words exchanged, no, because we didn’t need them. For the first five minutes, we would practice the dance just in case someone was suspicious. Then, we would sit together; you, back resting against the corners of the walls, me, sitting in between your legs with my head resting on your chest. Even if we did talk, it wouldn’t be for very long. We would just sit, blush, and feel our heartbeats hammer in rhythm together.

I never understood the meaning of utter terror, until we nearly got caught.

            After a year and six months, the others huddled us into the dining area one night, saying we needed to talk. They asked us what we’d been doing every time we claim we need to practise, and you told them that’s all we were doing. Practicing. While you were confidently answering all their questions, I was quaking with fear. They wouldn’t accept us if they found out we were in a relationship, they may love us, but they wouldn’t accept us. But in-between one of their questions, your hand found mine, our fingers twining together and your thumb tracing circles onto my palm. I looked up at you, but you were staring ahead, still answering our fellow members. After twenty minutes of their interrogation, you must’ve supplied them with good enough answers. They turned their attention away from us, but Jessica lingered, her attention now on me.

            “Are you Taeyeon’s girlfriend?”

            She had asked me in English, probably so that the two of us would be the only ones to understand. I knew Jessica wouldn’t be among the judgemental percentage, so I answered her. I shook my head as a decoy, but said yes. Then, she asked the next question.

            ”Are you in love with her?”

            Again, it was in English. You looked at me, question marks practically floating around your head. I smiled at her, nodding.

            “Just don’t get caught,” She warned, walking towards me. You let go of my hand, scared of Jessica seeing. She pulled me up from my seat, bringing me into a tender hug. “I’m happy for you.”

            And that was the moment that I gave Jessica all my love and respect on a golden platter.

I never understood the obsession with kisses, until your lips became my addiction.

            It was our three year anniversary, and while everyone was asleep, you invited me into the lounge. We simply sat together, watching a movie. As if it were the only position we know, I sat in-between your legs while you hugged me from behind. I could feel your heart pounding against my back, making me smile uncontrollably. You saw it in the TV’s reflection, asking me what put me in such a mood. I turned to face you, my lips finding yours easily. I told you I loved you, and you told me the same thing back. No matter how many times you say it, I never fail to swoon. We spent the rest of the night kissing, getting lost in a world of our own.

            The next morning, we were awoken by Yuri singing at the top of her lungs, both of her headphones in. I inched away from you, as if I was sitting next to you the whole night.

I never felt my heart stop and start again, until you were a constant in my life.

            Now, we were practicing the moves for our latest song. The choreographer counted us in, telling us if we did it right, then we could go back to the dorm. We all dove at the opportunity, dancing our hearts out. Once it was over, he smiled at us broadly, opening the door for us to go. Yoona was at the head of the pack, raving with Sooyoung about how much they needed a snack. The other soon followed suite, until it was just us and the choreographer.

            “Are you guys leaving?”

            We shook our heads, claiming we needed to practice more. He nodded, used to the answer, and left us with the key to lock up. After we were sure the coast was clear, you closed all the blinds and dimmed the lights. You sauntered over towards me, arms outstretched. Of course, I immediately jumped into them. You span me around, both of us happy that we finally get to spend time together. You let me down, your soft lips placing themselves on my forehead, cheeks, nose and finally, my mouth.

            The need for air eventually got the better of us, and your hands found their way to mine. You pulled me along to ‘our corner’, but this time, we lay next to each other. We stared at the roof, telling one another about our hopes and dreams we hope to achieve once our idol career is over. As usual, all of your dreams included me. My heart fluttered, a blush forming on my cheeks. I snuck a glance at you from the corner of my eye, to see you also blushing. But that’s not what caught my attention, no, it was that smile.

            That secret smile.

”Nobody knows it, but you’ve got a secret smile. And you use it,

Only for me . . .”