Kai wasn’t looking for love, she was already there.

Kana’s cheek rested on the palm of her hand and he could see that she had painted her nails black again. A smile almost split his face in half when he saw that she was wearing the navy, chunky sweater he got her for Christmas. Countless bead bracelets adorned her slim wrists and her beautiful hair was a pile on her head, held in place by a chopstick. He would have stayed outside in the cold like this for hours, just watching her, but she needed him now by her side.

He stood in front of the glass window on the door’s left, his heart thundering in his chest like it always does when she was around. She was in a booth close to the back, and he almost laughed out loud when relief flooded through him to find that she was alone. The day had dragged on and on and he cursed himself for being the idiot that he was, looking forward to this even if he knew well how it was all going to end. An all-too-familiar ache bloomed in his chest. The only reason that she would ask to meet up with him in a place like this, a place for couples and would-be couples, was that the person she usually went with had left.

This has happened more times that he would care to remember. Kana and her boyfriend would fight and break up, she would beg Kai to intervene, then her ex would take her back and he would hope and pray that they will break up again, for good. It hasn’t happened yet and it always left a bitter taste in his mouth when thought about how he made it possible for the vicious cycle to repeat itself.

Adjusting his backpack, he willed his feet to move. The bell on the door tinkled, but no one paid attention to the fresh-faced boy with soft eyes. He was instantly bathed in soft light once he stepped in and the smell of freshly-baked goods and coffee greeted him. The place wasn’t very big but he liked its cozy, homey ambience. The wooden floor was scratched in so many places but it was always polished, and there were shelves overflowing with books at every corner. He pulled down the fur-lined hood of his olive green parka and made his way to the counter.

 “Hey, Amy,” his eyes searched for Kana again, and he reached for his wallet, “I’ll have two slices of carrot cake, a medium mug of hot chocolate, no chocolate chips but with extra whipped cream and two bottles of water, please.”

The girl behind the cash register smiled when she craned to her left and saw who it was the he was staring at. She pushed a food-laden tray towards him a few minutes later and he smiled his thanks. “You know, you should just tell her already.” Amy said, a firm grip on the plastic tray.

He raised his eyebrows and gave a slight pull but she held on to it. “What are you doing?” He asked, knowing fully well what she meant.

 “Telling you what to do because you’re completely clueless about the matters of the heart,” she gave him a wink and gave up on their little tug-of-war, “or do you want to write it down?”

He stared at the fat lavender chalk in her hand.

One of the walls of the café was coated in chalkboard paint where hundreds of messages were written every day. It was a rainbow of pastel love notes, questions, confessions and phone numbers.

“N-no thanks.” He stammered, feeling his face burn.

She chuckled. “Fine, you can go now. She’s been waiting for a while.”

A very flustered Kai shuffled towards the back. Kana gave him a small wave and a smile that did not reach her eyes as he slid the tray on the table. He took his time taking off his winter things, a muscle twitching on his jaw when he noticed that her eyes were puffy, a sure sign that she’s been crying for quite some time now. She watched while he dug through his backpack and his face flamed when he came across the leather planner where he wrote short poems and long letters, all for the girl in front of him. When he found what he was looking for, he zipped his bag close with such force he was surprised it didn’t get torn, and he kicked it under the table.

He pushed the pile of neatly written notes towards Kana. She gave him a watery smile and barely looked at the papers before shoving them inside her backpack.

“Thank you. I was seriously not feeling so good this morning so I just decided to skip-“

“Why do you keep doing this?” He asked in disbelief.

He stared at the girl in front of him, fresh tears making tracks down her face. Her small, button nose was starting to get red, and her messy bun fell lose, dark locks cascading down her shoulders as she shook her head at him. The chopstick fell, and she sniffed as she wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands.

“It’s not his fault…”

Kai scowled. “Whose is it then, mine?”

“Please, just talk to him?” She pleaded.

He tore his eyes away from the dark brown gaze and it was his turn to shake his head. “Why do you even stay with him? The guy’s a jerk. He cheats on you, he’s rude to your parents-“

“I’d be more surprised if he wasn’t.” She said in soft voice.

Kai sighed. “What is it this time?” It was not unlike Kana to use her parents’ volatile relationship as the reason for the poor choices that she made, which often led to conversations like the one they were having now.

She sighed and leaned against the back of the red vinyl couch of their booth, her eyes on the ceiling. “My dad left.”

“Oh…” He wondered why he was surprised, but he was. “I’m so sorry…”

“I’m not, now I’m only worried about my mom nagging at me now that my dad’s gone,” she let out a brittle laugh, “So yeah, my mom and I got dumped.”

“Hey, it’s just a bad day-“

“-not a bad life. I know, I know. But sometimes they’re all so close together I feel as if…the universe hates me or something. It’s like the gods up there are placing bets against each other on how much farther they can take these horrible jokes on me until I finally snap and lose it.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way. Just make your decision to leave Jimin and that’s one wrong variable you can take out of your equation.”

“Kai. Really?” She asked with an arched eyebrow.

He felt his face get warm again and Kana giggled. Maybe this was why she’d never look at him the way he hoped she would. He meant well, but trying to solve life’s problems with math just made him sound more socially inept than he actually was. He pulled at his sweater and raked back his hair with his fingers, and cleared his throat.

“Tell me why you can’t break up with him.”

“Same reason you stay with me.” She answered quietly.

“We’re friends. That’s…different.” He countered.

“How? And why does it matter?”

“You’re not a jerk so I like hanging out with you, the end.”

“Kai, please…”

The warm atmosphere in the coffee shop did nothing to thaw the coldness in his heart. With a brooding expression on his face, he looked around and watched couples who shared pastries and huddled together with their frothy drinks, and he thought why, of all people, did he had to be best friends with Kana, whose life would have been fine if not for her tendencies to fall hard for the next idiot that came her way.

“It matters because when you guys fight, you would be in this crappy mood and then you’ll skip class, which means I have to work extra hard to make sure I don’t miss a damn thing so you can borrow my notes. Oh and by the way,” he folded his arms and glared at her, “Professor Han said one more absence and you’re done for.”

She just nodded and lay her head on the table, using her arm as a pillow. Kai stared at the food that he knew would not be eaten and he wanted to punch his own mouth for adding to Kana’s misery with more bad news.

He was so sick of seeing her like this.

It mattered because he wanted to be the one to hold her hand when it’s cold outside, he wanted to kiss her good night by her doorstep, he wanted to bring her to the movies so he can whisper silly stuff to her ears and share a giant bucket of popcorn with her even if he hated that stuff (they’re like flavored Styrofoam). It mattered because he wanted her to be his permanent partner at game nights over at Sehun’s every Wednesday. He wanted to skip lunch for weeks on end so they can afford to have a date at a fancy restaurant, where they have to dress up and pretend to know how to read the menu and he wanted to get her one or two or three of those overpriced handphone cases they sold on the streets of Hongdae. It mattered to him because he wanted to see her face light up when he gave her flowers and candy, he wanted to embarrass himself and wear those stupid couple t-shirts with her.  

It mattered because she needed someone to tell her that she was perfect the way she was.

She sat up and took a sip of her drink and pursed her lips, and Kai wanted, more than anything right now, to reach out so he can wipe the tears from her eyelashes.

“Kana, just let it go…Please. For me?” He begged.

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