I started to do more with bigbang and YG family by November of that year. But I always made sure I had time for you. Remember that day when you came to the YG building with me and you asked if I was a multi billionaire tycoon?

               "I told you I'm a singer!" I laughed as I grabbed your hand tightly and led you inside.

I didn't really want to tell you about my life as a famous singer just because I didn't want you to know about my accident that May. Just like you didn't want me to know about your illness.

You stuck right behind me, amazed at the facility and the bright green led lights impressing the atmosphere with a new level of sophistication. I felt proud in the way that you reacted.

               "Oppa...I didn't know you worked for a neon sign company." You said randomly as we walked across the brightly lighted hallway. I couldn't stop laughing after that.

               "Maybe if you listened to some Korean music, you would know me better." I playfully pulled at your hand and then I asked you, "Why do you listen to only western music anyway?"

Your lips tightened and your eyebrows raised as if you were thinking. And then you said sweetly, "If I listen to Korean music...then I have to knowingly wait for something, like the next album or the next single. It feels so busy and time consuming, just waiting for something. But other music...Michael Jackson is already dead, the Beatles are gone and there's no waiting. It's...timeless."

    Your voice ended on sort of a half serious but half lighted note. You listened to music outside of Korea because they were timeless. And you had no time.

 

You sat down on that black swivel chair as you watched me record a song for one of the concerts that was coming up. I can't help but laugh thinking about how you accidentally pressed a weird switch, turning off all the computers in that room.

 

But as time began to fly by, I became even more anxious. My body would shiver every time as I remembered the doctor's words.

             "Her time will be up by the end of the year."

It was already December and I kept pushing back the thought of you...I couldn't even think about it. Maybe I should have so that I would be better prepared. It hurt me in such great pain that last time you forgot about me again.

Do you remember?

We were at the butterfly exhibit. I took you there because I knew how much you loved butterflies. The way they fluttered about into the air, cherishing their short moment of being a beautiful creature with wings. It was as if they could have just flown away just from the edge of your fingertips and out of this damaged world.

I had about twenty monarchs attached to my shoulders for some reason. I had no idea why they were on me but it made you laugh. I could even have become one if you wanted me to.

And then you blinked hard off into space as you raised your eyebrows at me.

     "Excuse me sir. Where am I?" You looked so confused, like a lost innocent deer looking around in a field of butterflies.

I began to worry just because that morning, I had seen your pills in the trash can. As if you were just done with even trying to fight that sick cancer inside your head. You were just physically tired as well as mentally exhausted.

I had practiced this many times. To not look confused myself so that I wouldn't frighten you. So I purposefully smiled at you and put on my best instructional voice. "Oh you see young lady! You are here at the world's 12th largest butterfly exhibit! We have here about 1400 different species of them right here at this moment!" I made up some crap to talk about.

I held up a butterfly that was on my hand and placed it on your nose. Remember that funny yet cute look you gave me? It was pure fascination and delight. You were still Han Sowon.

 

      "You see young lady, this one is a blue North American Butterfly-" I said and then you cut me off.

"Oppa, that's a moth." You quickly said, scrunching your nose.

I held my hand up and immediately called out for someone. "Excuse me! What is a moth doing at a butterfly-"

And then I realized, you had called me "oppa". You little devil you.

You were watching me the entire time trying not to laugh at my weird ahjusshi voice.

You laughed brightly and it seemed as if you captured all the sunlight into your smile that day. I sighed and pulled you in to hug you tightly. The butterflies flew off of me like a cloak of colorful designs.

     "Han Sowon, don't ever do that again." I said sternly, breathing heavily into the crook of your neck.

You squirmed as you giggled into my chest, lightly pushing me away. "It was just a joke. You know I would never forget you...ever." You said with your pretty eyes smiling at me, twinkling in the sunlight.

And then we kissed. I wish we would have kissed longer. To make sure you would remember that lingering touch. The white sunlight blanketing us with warmth and the whisper of the plants as they moved suavely in the soft breeze.

 

      Christmas night, it was also your birthday. Instead of doing the usual birthday celebration with cake and a party, we went to the river. Surprisingly, it wasn't that cold as we expected it to be. I was repeatedly making lame jokes about your name, Han Sowon sitting by the Han river.

We were just being us. Joking around, lying in each other's arms and humming tunes for you to guess. And so slowly as the hour passed by, you began to get drowsy.

I kept thinking to myself that you were just simply tired. I would take you home on my back and we would wake up in the morning to make burnt scrambled eggs. And then we would also go to other places and celebrate the new year when it came....and...but that never happened.

I held your hand and kissed you on your lips as your pretty glimmering eyes gently began to close. You smiled as widely as you could despite the single drop of tear tainting your pure skin.

       "Oppa...my wish came true..." You whispered slowly through your smiling lips.

I clenched my teeth and tried to smile as much as I could. My heart began to pound as if the entire world was beginning to collapse over my shoulders. 

My lips quivered as I tried to speak calmly. "Did it?"

You nodded happily and your fingers began to lose grip from mine. I only held your hand tighter.

         "I didn't forget you...I remember you...I remember you at the bridge..the bus...I remember all of you and your singing self..." You mustered out, still with that unfathomable smile.

I nodded and kissed you again on your cheek. You were losing strength in your body, "Yeah you did Han Sowon. I'm so proud of you."

You eyes fluttered down like a butterfly's wings and your smile traced on your lips into a softer grin.

       "What?" I tried to say as casually as I could. Just as if we were having a normal conversation. Your thin fingers grasped my hand and then you closed your eyes.

 

        "Saranghae." The word escaped from your smiling lips just before you  took your last breath.

 

And then fireworks bursted from over the bridge and the river. Bright colors of crystalline yellow, red, blue and all the colors that you could think of. I smiled as hard as I could and looked at the fireworks exploding those wonderful bursts of color.

"SOWON-AH!! WOW LOOK ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?!" I yelled as tears burst out of my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at you. I'm so sorry.

But you were still in my arms, sleeping peacefully. My heart felt as if it was breaking apart into thousands of pieces, bursting out with the rainbows in the sky.

    "SOWON-AH! Look! It's so pretty!!" My voice began to crack. "I-It's so...p-pretty."

I forcefully smiled hard but my cheeks were so fixated on going down. The lights blurred because of my tears pooling at my eyes.

You would have loved the fireworks. They were just beautiful and breathtaking. But not as much as you were beautiful. You still are.

I looked at your peaceful self, just lying there in my arms. You looked emotionless yet there was still a soft lingering smile on your lips.

You left the day that you were born on. Even though you knew you would leave the world early, even when you knew that it was unfair for you...you still smiled and you made me smile.

You gave me wings just like a butterfly.

 

I carried you to the hospital after the fireworks were over. I made sure not to move so recklessly so that you wouldn't wake up and forget who I was. I kept you sleeping safe and sound as I laid you down on the hospital bed.

Your brother was abroad so he couldn't come at the moment.

I was the only family you had. 

How could life be so unfair? Just the day before you were dancing around in my Doraemon hat, eating bananas and singing at the same time. You crazy little creature you.

But now you were lying there sleeping eternally with your pretty eyes closed. I would never be able to see your warm brown eyes again. I would never hear your beautifully soft and sweet voice again. Or your silly self doing the craziest things. But all those memories would never be forgotten, I would make sure.

 

 

 

 

I place the plastic box on top of the soft mound of grass next to me. Opening the top, the pretty purple butterfly crawls of the box and steadily flies up. It lands again on your stone over your name.

Han Sowon.

"I had a wish too Sowon. And it came true." I say quietly into the empty sky. "I wanted you to love me."

And it came true, you said it with your dying breath.

I loved you too.

I'll make sure that your wish will stay true.

I'll never forget you.

      Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading everyone!