*note: hello hello~ i've been wanting to write more but not only has school been in the way, i have somehow fallen sick. i'm currently trying not to cough and am avoiding waking up everyone in this house. whilst being sick, i had trouble sleeping (waking up in the middle of the night, trying to breathe and not cough up my lungs) so how suitable is this chapter really lol i hope you all like it!! i'll try to post chapter 3 up soon ^_^

p/s: again, any mistakes shall be checked tomorrow as i have school in like 7 hours lmao*

“Junmyeon, how are you? You didn’t show up for our last appointment. Were you busy?” I asked, in the friendliest tone I could manage. It’s not that I wasn’t friendly towards all my patients. He just probably hasn’t heard a friendly voice in a while.

 His hair was dishevelled, as if he hadn’t combed it in days; though I suppose he hasn’t. He sat in his seat, eyes dilated, not uttering a single word. I was getting unsure of whether he was even awake. I decided to call out his name once more.

“Junmyeon? Can you hear me?” with that, he snapped out of his “trance”. He looked up and smiled slightly, still looking restless.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to see you but I couldn’t….manage to leave my bed.” he said, trailing his last few words.

"How long has it been since you've slept properly?"

"I-I'm not sure. Maybe a month or so ago. I don't really keep track anymore." he said, eyes still big as saucers. I had asked him to keep track of his sleeping patterns a few months ago, so I could check on how he was doing. The weeks where he had trouble sleeping were the weeks he had reoccuring dreams. Dreams of what, I still didn't know. "Maybe he'll actually tell me what those dreams are about today," i thought to myself before whispering, "fat chance."

"Huh?" he asked. "Crap. He heard me."

"Oh sorry I-I was just talking to myself. Don't mind me." I said, certain he had heard what I had said earlier. Oddly enough, he smiled.

"Talking to yourself makes you sound crazy, which is pretty ironic. I mean, you spend every day talking to people who are out of their minds- me included- and here you are, practically one of us. The only thing you're missing is your own personal shrink." his ability to see the irony of things and find the humor in it somewhat enlightened me.

"You're quite funny." i said, earning a smile from him.

"I haven't seen you smile in a while. I forgot how nice your smile was." a tint of red appeared on his cheeks, which made me chuckle. He rubbed the back of his neck and said "thanks" whilst looking away. "What a sweetheart"

 I sat there looking at him for a while. His black hair was unkept and the dark circles under his eyes aged him slightly. He had lost a bit of weight compared to the first time I had met him. He had gone from fitted suits to lose jeans and sweaters to sweatpants and the same old blue hoodie that was slowly losing it's colour. Despite all that, he was still very attractive. There was something composed and serene about him, that had somehow been overshadowed by his state of restlessness.

"Junmyeon, do you remember what we talked about, the last time we saw each other?" i asked and he slowly shook his head.

"We were talking about your younger brother." a pained expression appeared on his face and he was back to staring at the ground.

"Well, I wanted to talk about that. I want to know your relationship with him. Were you both close?"

"We...we were close. I used to take care of him. We used to play video games and I used to lend him my favourite books. Sometimes, he never read them but he always lied and said that he did. He probably didn't want to hurt my feelings but I knew and I didn't mind. He always preferred playing basketball. He was really good at it, you know? I always went to his basketball matches and supported him and I was always so proud." he said all of this, while having the biggest smile on his face. Though it wasn't a smile meant for me. It was meant for his brother.

I clicked on my pen and jotted down a few things. "1. Close relationship with younger brother"

"That was very nice of you. Did he like you going to his matches and supporting him?" that's when the smile faded away.

"He did at first. But then one day, he told me that he didn't want me to go watch him play anymore. I asked him why and he said that the guys on his team said bad things about me being there and called him names. I really wanted to watch him play but I didn't want him to be called bad things so I stopped going."  "2. Brother was bullied" 

"But one day he came back and he had a black eye. I asked him how he got it and he said some kids at school were laughing at how skinny and tall he was. They kept on calling him names and I got mad and I wanted to talk to them but he wouldn't let me. He always said, "I'm not a kid, Junmyeon. I'm 15. I can handle it. Stop treating me like a baby"   and he would always run upstairs and lock himself up in his room. I loved my brother so I didn't talk to them. But I should have."  his voice was filled with so much sadness, I was hesitant of whether I should continue asking him any more questions. But this was the most progress I had ever made with a patient in a while and according to my job, progress was good. Emotional instability, not so much.

"Was that when the nightmares started? When he started coming home with bruises?" and with that question, I received a sad nod.

"At first, it only happened once a week. I'd see him and he would be covered in bruises and I would grab his wrists and ask him why he wouldn't let me do anything to help him. But, he would just stand there, body lifeless. It was as if he was already dead."  he said, voice shaky and lips trembling.

"He was dead even before I found his lifeless body on his bedroom floor, four days before Christmas, surrounded by bottles of prescription pills. He was dead the moment he came home with bruises on his body. He was dead when he told me he didn't want my help. Dead the moment I agreed to let him take care of himself. But he was just a kid. He was 15 years old. He didn't know how to defend himself.

He didn't know that I had to lie to our aunt, whenever she asked where he got those bruises from. Repeating the same lie, over and over and over again, I was starting to believe myself. I didn't want to think otherwise. I didn't want to be reminded that my little brother was getting the life kicked out of him every time a punch or a kick came his way. I didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I was a terrible person for not helping him. My own brother. I let him die. I let him allow himself to die."

"You were only trying to do as you were told. He didn't want you to help. He-"

"He was a kid! He didn't know any better! I could have helped him because that's what you do when someone you love was dying. You help them and you save them. You don't sit there and watch someone bleed out. You stitch them back up, even if your hands couldn't stop shaking. You try and try and you don't stop trying."

Never had I ever seen him cry and never had I ever started crying whilst doing my job. My unproffesional behaviour would have been disapproved and looked down upon by so many in my area, though I had grown not to care. I sympathized this man and his loss. He was a human being filled with regret and I, of all people, should know how he felt.

"Junmyeon, when was the last time you visited his grave? Was it the first time we met?" he looked puzzled, unsure of the answer himself.

"I-Iguess so."

"That was 8 months ago." he stayed still for a moment before tears started rolling down his cheeks once more. He did not say a single word. He just sat there, crying silently, letting the reality of the whole situation swallow him whole. Like his brother, he was prepared to let himself die.

"Don't let this kill you." I said, trying to prevent him from doing anything foolish.

"Don't let the sadness eat you alive. You didn't get to save your brother but you could always save yourself. You can't always blame yourself. You're not a bad person, Junmyeon."

"I could have done something. It was my responsibility to take care of him when mum and dad left. We needed each other. He needed me."

"Maybe you needed him more than he needed you. Right now, you can't sleep. You can't sleep without seeing his face. Every time you close your eyes, all you see are his eyes, looking back at you and he keeps on asking, "Why didn't you save me? Why didn't you do something?" and he says the same thing, repeatedly. You try to block him out but he's always just there. So you don't sleep. Because every time you do, you see him. Every time you do, you are surrounded by darkness and nightmares of him and there is no way out.

Maybe right now, you need to tell yourself that he's...gone. You can visit him and maybe talk to him because it helps. I know it seems crazy; talking to yourself. Though I'm sure we both know I'm not completely sane." i said which made him laugh.

"If you don't want to go all by yourself, I can go with you. I haven't been to my husband's grave in a while. We could go right now. I don't have a scheduled appointment after this and if you're free, we could drop by the local florist and buy some flowers. My husband always loved daisies; how very boring of him." this earned some more laughter from him. "Hey, you might be a horrendous therapist but you could always attempt to become a comedian for the clinically depressed."

"My brother liked sunflowers. He liked how bright they were." Junmyeon said, making me smile.

"Well, let's go and get those flowers. It's going to be dark soon so we should hurry." I pulled open my drawer and carefully placed my yellow notepad back. I had stopped writing midway through our session though I figured I could just continue once I got back. I grabbed my coat and rummaged through my purse for my car keys.

"Hey, Dr. Watts-"

"Call me Clara. Honestly, don't be so formal." the corner of his lips turned upwards. It was nice, ending a session with a patient who looked genuinely happy.

"Alright, Clara. When you mentioned how whenever I closed my eyes, I would see my brother...was it your husband?" his voice trailed off and he looked at me reluctantly. I smiled sheepishly and that was enough for him to understand.

"Now, let's get going before the sun goes down."