"Sure, no problem."

 

"Seriously! Oh my... Thanks a lot, Taeyeon-ah! You're the best!"

 

After squishing me in a tight hug and leaving a kiss on my cheek, Tiffany picked up her things and zoomed out of the room. She asked me if I'd allow her to go home early because she had things to do. Being her closest buddy, I agreed to it since I couldn't really say no to her either. We'd been partners as feature editors in a magazine company and had been close friends for nearly eight months.

 

In that span of time, I learned to admire everything about her and, well, even her flaws. Her physical beauty was just a bonus for me because I really liked her personality - so bubbly, loud and strong. She's like a woman of steel and what I admired most about her was that she would calmly face the challenges in her life. I could sense no panic at all, though she would freaking overreact over petty things such as insects found on her bag, her dog pooping on her pants and so on.

 

I thought I merely idolized her because of those qualities of hers that I didn't have. But the more interactions we had - including those sneaking skinships - the more I had doubts about myself. I didn't want to entertain such feelings, let alone think about those kinds of things. I tried to shake it off my system, thinking that it's only infatuation or mere fondness. But no matter what mantra I'd recite in my mind, I kept getting the same answer - I was in love with her.

 

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

 

I picked up my phone only to see a message from her. I guessed I already knew what it was. I would bet my life on it that she left her charger here and would ask me to bring it to her.

 

From: Fany~

Taetae! I think I left my charger on my table! Can you bring it home for me? Pretty please?

 

“Bingo," I muttered under my breath. My fingers fumbled on my phone and sent her a reply.

 

To: Fany~

Okay, no problem.

 

See? I knew her so well to the point that I already memorized all the things she liked - her favorite color, chocolate, past time, weather, and even her favorite lingerie to wear. I also knew by heart the smell of her perfume; how she scrunched her eyebrows whenever she’s pissed off; how she bit her lip whenever she’s thinking deeply; whenever she’s faking her smile or not. That was how much I was so into her.

 

Making sure that I finished all of my tasks for the day, I cleaned up my table and left the office. When I was in my car and was about to drive off, I remembered something.

 

Oh crap. Wait. I forgot the charger!

 

I scrambled quickly out of my car and took the lift up to the 15th floor. When I reached the office, I searched the for the key card inside my bag.

 

Oops. Darn it. I left it in the car!

 

I let out a frustrated groan and rushed back to my car. How unfortunate of me! With so much disgust with my luck, I got the key card from my car and made sure that I had my car key in hand. I took the same route and finally, I was able to get the charger, without anything being left in my office. Gosh, if it wasn't for Tiffany, I would not do this crap.

 

While driving, my mind sort of drifted out of my body. The question that had been bugging me for a long time resurfaced again.

 

Why was I doing this?

 

On a positive note, I guessed I was doing this because I just wanted to. I wanted to please her, to make her comfortable with me, to rely on me. I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to treat me as someone special in her life, if not as a lover, but at least as the first person she would choose to lean on. I adored her the most that’s why I did anything just to make her happy. I was content with being a friend, loving her from afar with this crappy unrequited love. What more could I ask for? I’m just a girl and she’s a girl. It was totally wrong to engage in such relationship. The society wouldn’t allow it.

 

She’s quite a nagger and so loud but I still loved her. She really liked to bully me but still I loved her. She bossed me around, telling me to do this and that but still, I loved her. And most of all, she was so dense to the point of being so insensitive of my feelings - that I'd get hurt with some of her jokes; that I hdevoted a lot of time for her instead for myself; that I almost agreed to everything she said although she’s wrong; that I wouldn’t argue with her because most of the time she thought that she was always right - but still, I loved her.

 

 

On second thought, why was I doing this when I hadn't received anything from her in return? It’s not that I expected something from her, It’s just that...I couldn’t feel that she appreciated my efforts - my whole being. Maybe because I assumed that every relationship should be a two-way process no matter where level both of you at. So I had to rephrase what I said earlier. I DID expect something from her. I just loved her so much. And I thought she felt the same way too.

 

 

I felt taken for granted at some point. I even thought whether if she’s just using me in her favor, befriending me to have what she wanted. Well, that was harsh so I’m gonna forget that one. I didn’t know if it was my fault because somehow, I expected her to reciprocate the attention I’d given to her, even just a little. Because ever since that Nickhun came into OUR lives, everything was messed up. She changed. As in a lot.

 

 

Though she said to me that she felt nothing for Nickhun, her actions said otherwise. She spent less time with me. She liked it whenever Nickhun . She seemed happier when Nickhun was around. She was in favor of him even when he’s wrong. What’s worse was that she PRIORITIZED him over me. I was so jealous and bitter about how she treated Nickhun. Was this some kind of joke? She met him 2 months ago while heaven knew how long I and Tiffany had been together. He was just an acquaintance who soon became closer to Tiffany with each passing day. And me? I was suddenly forgotten. I became no one. She only remembered that I was there whenever she needed something from me. And then again, I turned again into a shadow behind her.

 

I hated Nickhun. He stole Tiffany away from me and I couldn't accept that. He wasn't that good looking. He's taller than me but I bet he'd at singing. Quite frankly, I was sure I was smarter than him. I heard he almost dropped out during his second year in high school due to excessive absences. And worst of all, he just broke up with his girlfriend of three years. Then he wanted to up MY Tiffany right after! I really hated him to the point that I wanted to strangle him, lock him up in a cage and have him sent to the other side of the world, anywhere as long as he'd be as far away from Tiffany as possible. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let Tiffany know that I hated the guy because she'd be mad at me, asking who I was to decided what was best for her and so on. I didn't want to hear those lectures from her.

 

What did he have that I didn't? Wasn't Tiffany content with me? Wasn't she happy with me? Was I just a piece of in her life? Wait, I almost forgot. I knew the answer. I'm not a guy. I couldn't give her the family she was longing for. I couldn't give her a child. There were times that I wanted to confess to her, fight for her and compete with Nickhun. But whenever I was about to take a step forward, I was always smashed hardly with the fact that I'm just a girl. I was no match for Nickhun. And that was why I was so bitter about it. I hated Tiffany. I always wanted to say that to her. That was the only thing I could say to her a million times and never mean it.

 

I took a full stop right in front of her house and killed the engine. I got her charger, got out of the car and went to the front door. I waited for her to open it and a moment later, she welcomed me with a phone sandwiched between her shoulder and ear. She gestured me to come inside while she talked to 'someone' on the phone. I had a hunch that she was talking to Nickhun and became as green as a grinch.

 

“Hmm… I’ll put this down now. I have someone to talk to, okay? Bye,” said Tiffany over the phone. That was the only part I eavesdropped to while waiting for her to finish their conversation.

 

“Who was that?” I tried to ask cooly. I didn’t wanna show her that I was freaking jealous over that phone call.

 

“Ah, some random person who bugs me all the time.” She laughed a little. “By the way, have you found it?”

 

“Silly, of course I found it! I wouldn’t be here in the first place if I don’t have it with me.” I smiled and handed her the charger.

 

“Whatever. Anyway, thank you so much!” She got the charger from my hand and flashed her eyesmile on me. Then, that was it. No hugs. No kisses. That was another thing that I came to hate about her. One day she'd be so sweet and then after a while, she’d be as cold as ice to me. It’s like I had two friends - TIffany version 1.1 and Tiffany version 1.2. I couldn't really understand what she had in her mind. She was so confusing.

 

Without anything else to say, I bowed a little and faced the door to leave. But she stopped me.

 

“Yah! Where do you think you’re going?” she shouted.

 

“H-huh? Err… I’m going home?” I said awkwardly.

 

 

“Aish, babo! Don’t you know I’ve prepared dinner for us?” My eyes widened upon hearing that. She walked towards me, looped her arms around mine and pulled me towards the dining area. But I just stood there, clueless of how should I react. See? She was now Tiffany ver 1.1.

 

“Hey, let’s eat, should we?” She said as she tugged my hand. I just stared at her for a moment and flickered a small smile.

 

“Okay, no problem.”

 

I couldn’t say no to her. She was irresistible. No matter how pissed off I am with her, I always fell back on the same spot - I still love her. And I could care less if loving her means hurting myself.

 

 

I came unseemingly early at work today. I woke up an hour before my alarm could go off so I dressed up, had my break and went straight to my office without any particular reason to. Everything just felt weird today. It was like there was something awful that was about to happen.

 

When I reached our loft, I felt a lil bit weirder. I could feel their eyes pinning on me, like they had seen a ghost or something.  But I shrugged it off and proceeded to my cubicle. While I was fixing my things, Sooyoung, my other best friend, approached me - well, with seemingly apologetic eyes. C’mon man, what was wrong with these people?

 

“Taeng, how are you?” She said while shooting me with those pitiful eyes. I looked at her with my brows furrowed and asked her.

 

“I’m perfectly fine. Hmm, do you have something to say?”

 

“Don’t lie midget, I know it’s hard. We’re here for you, don’t worry.” Sooyoung then came close and pulled me into a hug. But with much bewilderment, I retracted from it and faced her cluelessly.

 

“H-hey wait! I mean, what’s going on? Why are all of YOU like this? Seriously, all of you are so WEIRD today.”I raised both of my hands, then let them plop down to my sides. I shook my head and focused back on organizing my things. I could hear Sooyoung heaved a heavy sigh.

 

“Kim Taeyeon, don’t tell me you didn’t know?!”

 

“Know what?!” I replied sternly. I couldn’t hide my annoyance anymore.

 

“I think you should ask her.” She said with her hands on her waist.

 

“Ask who? You know Soo, I have no time for this so please, spill it.”

 

“Aish!? She hasn’t  tell you yet huh? Oh my... She's really getting on my nerves!”

 

“Yah! Be careful on what you’re saying! Who was that 'she'?” I squinted my eyes at her as she shook her head.

 

“Okay…Remember, I'm just doing this because I'm concerned for you and--”

 

“Just get it straight to the point Sooyoung ah!”

 

“Taeng, Tiffany has been dating Nickhun for 2 months! And I’m pissed off at her since she didn’t even tell you this! You’re like twins Taeng! Of all people, how could she hide this to you huh?” My mouth fell off as she said that. I mean...this is too much. What Sooyoung was telling is true, how could she not tell me such things?

 

“You’re kidding right? That’s not true.” I stopped on what I’m doing and faced her again.

 

“Look, why do you think she went home early yesterday? She met Nickhun at that cafe in Gangnam-gu and they’ve been secretly meeting there every Thursday, 3pm sharp. You could even ask Min, she works there every afternoon til midnight.”

 

I could remember the day I asked her to join us have some snack at home but then she refused since she said that she have to celebrate her sister’s birthday on that cafe. About those Thursday meetups, yeah, that's true. It had been a habit of hers to go home early every Thursday, just like she did yesterday. Had she been lying to me all along? We had dinner last night and both of us were happy. Was that some kind of bribery to ease the burden of lying to me?

 

“Did you know why Tiffany isn’t bringing her car recently? Because it was that guy who drives her to work!”

 

“That’s impossible… She said s-she has it under maintenance...”

 

“Seriously? Taeyeon wake up! Have you seen that necklace she’s been wearing? It’s from Nickhun-sshi!”

 

“Enough.” This is too much. My eyes are burning hot, my chest tightening, and my head hurts like hell.

 

“If you still don’t believe me, I could tell you a bunch more of evidences just to prove to you that I’m not--”

 

“I said enough!” I blurted out, enough to pacify her from slapping that fact on me. No matter how much I tried to deny it, Sooyoung indeed got a point. I had my own suspicions & doubts about Tiffany before, but I chose to put it behind thinking that I must be only paranoid. But now, I felt so stupid. Stupid enough to believe that I had her loyalty and trust.. This was too much for me to absorb, but it was slowly sinking in me… Those lies. Those excuses. All of those that she told me were nothing but lies.

 

What am I to you, Fany ah?

 

And at that very moment, Tiffany suddenly came in. My eyes found its way looking straight at her eyes which showed nothing but innocence...or not. Before, I could decipher what she was thinking or how was she feeling  in just one look. But now I couldn't even recognize who this girl in front of me was.

 

“Speaking of the devil.” Sooyoung hissed and walked away. Tiffany looked at her confused. I remained standing there. Frozen.

 

“Taetae…”

 

Taetae?! Huh… The way she uttered my name… It was like an acid that corrodes me. It hurts.

 

“What’s wrong?” She came near me but I stepped back. She looked hurt, but I was much more broken.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I looked again in her eyes spitefully. How could she manage to ask that after all that she did to me?

 

I loved her. I did anything just to make her happy. I was always with her and never left. I always say yes to her.

 

But now, I had never imagined in my life that I would gain the courage…

 

The courage to say ‘NO’ to her…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No… I was never okay at all.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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