It was late. Too late for someone to be knocking on the door.

The knocking was soft, but in Yunho’s head it sounded a few decibels too loud. His ears were ringing and his vision dark when he opened his eyes. Yunho woke up anyway. He walked past the scattered empty soju bottles, knocked a couple down with his uncoordinated feet in his drunken state. He knew that it was not appropriate to answer the door in his current self, hair messy, breath smelling like alcohol, eyes bloodshot, and his favorite blue t-shirt wrinkled. Heck, he hadn’t even shaved for 2 days.

He succeeded in walking though the mess that was once the living room. He didn’t bother cleaning it up since he knew that they won’t be staying in the dorm for much longer. It had become too big for two.

The knocking went again. It sounded somehow uncertain. The pauses between were too long and the sound diminishing after each knock.

Yunho stopped and leaned against the wall, his hands went up his hair to tidy it a bit. “Who’s it?” He said loud enough to make his own head pound slightly. He didn’t hear any answer after a minute so he figured that the person was gone. He sighed and pushed himself off the wall and started to walk back to his room. He was planning to curl up in his blanket and drink his heart away until morning greets in its annoyingly cheerful attitude.

“It’s me.” He heard from the other side before he completely turned away from the door. The smooth husky voice, even when muffled, was too familiar to ignore that he found his body reacting quicker than his brain. His eyes shot open, his hands undid the lock and turned the knob.

The door swung open. Yunho stood there and stared at the figure in front of him.

Jaejoong’s dark brown hair was disheveled and he was wearing his specs instead of lens. Yunho knew that he was either being fashionable or he just had a bad day and was feeling too lazy to put on his lens. Looking at his appearance, Yunho bet on the latter. His clothes were uncharacteristically simple, grey sweatpants and black hoodies. He also noted that his eyebags turned darker and his cheekbones were more prominent, peeking out from the plain black mask he was sporting.

Jaejoong broke the silence first with a simple “Hi, Yunho.” And Yunho felt like it had been years since the last time he heard that tone of voice directed to him. He breathed in and swallowed the dryness in his throat before replying, albeit a bit too loud and harsh, “What are you doing here?”

He saw Jaejoong natural black irises flickered a bit and he thought it was moments like those he felt Jaejoong was beautiful. Not when he had layers of make up to conceal the skin and fancy clothes to accentuate the body, but the Jaejoong who was bare, simple, freckles and flaws covering the fragile soul inside.

He knew Jaejoong was taken aback with his harsh tone of voice but he ignored it. Or at least tried to. He stared, while leaning against the half-opened door, at fidgeting Jaejoong.

“Actually, I don’t know.” Jaejoong answered after thinking for a while. He bent down his head, avoiding Yunho’s gaze while biting his lips.

Yunho’s eyes drooped in guilt. There Jaejoong were, standing before him. He wanted so bad to circle his arms around that lean body, to bury his face in the soft hair and let the scent of whatever new shampoo Jaejoong was using infiltrate his nostrils. He wanted to but he couldn’t. Not after what happened between them. But Jaejoong was there, knocking on Yunho’s door in the middle of the night.

Jaejoong squared his shoulders and started to turn back before Yunho gave up resisting his own mind and pulled Jaejoong by the wrist to get inside the apartment. He closed the door quietly and turned towards the silent man behind him. He saw Jaejoong’s eyes widening at the mess the living room had become. He had been the one cleaning around the dorm back then anyway.

Yunho felt a sudden surge of nostalgia. The images of Jaejoong’s back while cooking and his continuous nagging reformed his mind. But it was distant, almost like it happened decades ago. He closed his eyes and opened them, inhaling.

“I miss you.” Yunho blurted. “So much.” He said it after a few seconds. His eyes moistened unknowingly. He felt like he was with his feelings spoken out. He had always been silent with his emotions. He believed actions speak louder than words.

“It hurts, even now.” He continued. “I miss you, Jaejoong-ah.”

Jaejoong removed his mask and his lips. His eyes glinted, covered by a thin layer of fresh tears. He opened his mouth but closed it again, fingers clawing at the wrist of his hoodie. Whatever he was planning to say was replaced by a shaky, “Why, why do you miss me? It- it has only been a month.”

“Yeah, it’s been a month” Yunho murmured. He walked inside and realized that Changmin’s bedroom door was open. The person was gone and a note was stuck on the knob, ‘Be back in the morning’.

Jaejoong glanced at Yunho unsurely, still standing in front of the door. He removed his sneakers and placed it at his usual place in the rack. It didn’t go unnoticed by Yunho and the clump in his throat came back.

“What is it?” Jaejoong stepped towards Yunho and took the note from his hand. He glanced at it and stuck it back at its original place. He turned around and was greeted by Yunho taking off his glasses and a set of lips on his own. Jaejoong could faintly hear the sound of the glasses’ frame hitting the floor, but he couldn’t care less. He felt like coming home after a quite long month of tiring journey as Yunho’s right arm circled at Jaejoong’s lean torso and his left Jaejoong’s cheek and jaw.

The kiss wasn’t deep, lips moving against lips, longing against missing. It was sad, Jaejoong thought.

Jaejoong caressed Yunho’s hair, down to his face, and he felt tears on his fingers. Jaejoong’s furrowed in concern. He wiped the tears and pulled Yunho closer by the shoulder, crushing himself against the length of the toned body. Yunho was clinging so desperately on him and Jaejoong felt his own tears falling from his closed eyelids as they continued pouring their feelings into the kiss as if it was their last. Yunho’s palm flattened on the side of his face and his fingers wiped his tears, mimicking his earlier gestures.

They broke apart and breathed for a few moments. “Don’t cry.” Yunho mumbled and kissed Jaejoong’s wet eyelids. It only makes Jaejoong’s tear flow harder as he swallowed back a sob. “I miss you too, Yunho-ah. Even it’s only been one month.” He stared up at Yunho’s red eyes. Yunho breathed in sharply and went back to kissing Jaejoong. How much he missed Jaejoong’s scent and presence, the close vicinity, the feeling of the small body against his. He wished Jaejoong wasn’t so cruel on his choices, but he knew that he had done it for many people’s sake, the lawsuit and their relationship.

“This relationship, us, it won’t work. Not when we work in this industry. One day I feel like it could, but then I remembered my parents, my sisters. Don’t you see it too, Yunho? Imagine how your parents will react if we tell them. How all people will sneer at them and insult them. I love you Yunho, I don’t think it could change, but I need to be selfless this one time. For all of us. I’m sorry.” Jaejoong’s words replayed, how he had cried “I’m sorry, Yunho-yah.” as he fisted his shirt that night flooded his mind, the night when Jaejoong revealed their lawsuit against SM and broke their relationship.

That night before both of them slipped into unconsciousness, Yunho heard a strangled whisper, “Maybe in the next life, we can.”

That night was the last night before dreams turned into nightmares in Yunho’s sleep.

Yunho tightened his arms and pulled away from the kiss, nuzzling his face in Jaejoong’s neck, hands clinging on his waist. His body shuddered with unreleased sobs and Jaejoong wiped his own tears before patting Yunho’s head. Jaejoong knew that Yunho hated to be seen crying, so he stayed still, hugging Yunho’s pieces whole while he himself was a mess of broken sobs.

“It was hard. I hate doing this.” Yunho’s voice trembled and cracked at the end. “Why can’t we be us? It’s not fair, Jaejoong. It’s not fair to you, me, it’s not fair to people around us.” He went on hiding his tear-stained face on Jaejoong’s neck “I don’t want to wait another lifetime.” Jaejoong held back his tears and pulled Yunho up. His eyes were swollen and his nose red, but Jaejoong couldn’t describe what was more mesmerizing than Jung Yunho crying.

Yunho held Jaejoong’s face gently as he spoke, “Let’s forget it tonight. Let’s do things normally. Just for tonight. Tomorrow we can be JYJ’s Jaejoong and TVXQ’s Yunho. But tonight we could be only Jaejoong and Yunho, normally.”

Jaejoong controlled his own sobs and nodded. “Normally.”

Yunho wiped Jaejoong’s cheeks once again and smiled.

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“Have you eaten dinner?” Jaejoong asked.

“No,” came the reply from the sofa. “and I bet you hadn’t either.” Yunho set the DVD player.

“I’ll go cook something.” Jaejoong proceeded towards the kitchen. He opened the cabinet and saw packages of ramyun, nothing else. He sighed, took 2 packs and started boiling the water. He was steering the noodles when Yunho came up behind him and s his arms around his waist, interlocking the fingers. “Yah!” Jaejoong jumped, surprised.

“It’s been too long since I saw you cooking. Couldn’t resist.” Yunho chuckled and kissed the fabric on Jaejoong’s shoulder. Jaejoong nuzzled his cheeks against Yunho and smiled contently. Jaejoong turned around and pecked Yunho’s lips. He looped his hands around Yunho and rested his temple at his broad chest, sighing. Both were wordless between savoring scents and remembering touches.

“The ramyun’s boiling.” Yunho glanced behind Jaejoong, but the shorter only shushed him.

They brought the bowls of over-boiled ramyun on the coffee table in front of the TV and watched an animation movie called ‘Up’. They sat next to each other on the floor and ate, with the occasional chuckle at the scenes. Their feet and shoulders were touching, as if they were assuring themselves that it was real. That the moment wasn’t a dream they dreamt almost every night. It was the only thing not ‘normal’. In the back of their mind they knew it wasn’t just any other night, but both kept quiet, enjoying the lie.

The movie came to a touching part and Jaejoong couldn’t control his tears. He cried on Yunho’s shoulder as they embraced. Besides the whispers of “I love you” and a few kisses shared, they spent the rest of the movies in silence.

Somehow Jaejoong ended half on top of Yunho, whose back was resting on the foot of the sofa, and limbs entangling with each other’s. Jaejoong fell asleep. Soft puffs of air emitted from his parted lips against Yunho’s collarbones. Yunho his hair, his eyes still on the credit of the movie, but his gaze was empty. He sighed deeply. He wished that wishes did come true. He wished that they could stay as five. He wished he could be with Jaejoong without feeling guilty. He wished love was worth it. Jung Yunho wished many things that night.

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Yunho woke when he felt Jaejoong stir. It was barely morning, the light was dim.

Jaejoong got up and went towards the bathroom, leaving Yunho standing up and stretching his sore back from sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Yunho yawned and scratched his head, his mind still hazy and vision blurry. Only when he heard the flush in the bathroom, he realized.

The bathroom door opened and Jaejoong stepped out, the end of his bangs a bit wet, probably from splashing water to his face.

“I have to go.” Jaejoong looked down at his own feet, avoiding Yunho’s eyes. Yunho stilled and his shoulder tensed. Right. Just one night. They were no longer Yunho and Jaejoong, they were TVXQ’s Yunho and JYJ’s Jaejoong, two individuals who weren’t supposed to be together at the moment.

“Oh, o-okay.”

Jaejoong strode to the door, putting on his sneakers with trembling fingers. He bit his lips and tried not to let the tears fall by blinking rapidly. When he had done tying the shoelaces, Yunho was still standing on the same spot, eyes sad and teary.

Suddenly feeling dread in the pit of his stomach, Jaejoong ran towards him and hugged the taller man. “I'm not leaving you. Not you." He pressed his face on Yunho's shoulder. "Never you.” He whispered.

Yunho pried Jaejoong’s face away from his shoulder gently with his fingers, as if holding a fragile antique, pressed their lips in a lingering kiss, eyes closed, both reluctant on letting go. A few moments later, Yunho pulled away and rested his forehead on Jaejoong’s, breathing in and out. Inside, he was pleading for Jaejoong to stay.

But he let go, smiling tightly and muttered,”Take care Jaejoong-ah.”

Yunho watched with the same reassuring, tight smile as Jaejoong glanced back before closing the door behind him.

Yunho swallowed the lump behind his smile and closed his eyes.

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A/N: edited... Sorry I can't rescue this story anymore. /dead