Nam Woohyun arrives at his place, headed towards the calm and comforting living room with soft purple curtain that waving because of the breeze slipping from the window pane. Woohyun footsteps sound loud enough on this wooden floor. He is clutching into the bag on his shoulder, smiling imagining who’s waiting in the living room. Woohyun opens his camera.

He’s there, sitting in the wooden chair beside the window, reading some random book like he always does in his spare time. Wearing his favorite grey T-shirt, messy hair, dark circles, probably because he was up all night finishing the composition of his music, but still his smile is genuine. That wide grin, making his pretty canine teeth showing. Woohyun can’t help but smiling too.

“Hoya…” Woohyun smiles as he casually sits in the wooden chair across him.

“Hi, hyung…it’s been a while…” He said. Woohyun nodded, noticing the smell of Espresso from the warm cup besides Hoya’s hand. The older man chuckled.

“So now you know how to make your own coffee?”

“Damn…It doesn’t have the same taste like the one you made.” Hoya said after take a sip of his coffee. Both of them laughing. “Your coffee is still the best, hyung. But since you never been around lately, I have no choice. Guess, I have to make my own coffee.” He said. Woohyun stares at Hoya’s pair of black eyes, somehow he feels sad, seeing those beautiful eyes looks lonely. And Woohyun feel guilty for that.

“I’m sorry, Hoya…I should’ve spend more time with you.”

Hoya didn’t respond. He just gives casual smiles as his eyes drop down looking at the book on his hand.

“What are you reading?” Woohyun asked. Hoya didn’t answer, he flip the pages of the book instead, revealing that he’s reading The Catcher in the Rye. The book that Woohyun gave for his birthday years ago, even Woohyun almost forget when or where he bought that book. Somehow it hurts, when you find someone actually always remembers the certain detail of you, but you are the one who forget instead. Woohyun can’t say anything. He just staring at the younger man who keeps reading in front of him while his bored fingers playing with Hoya’s wooden pencil that left on the table.

“Hyung…you once said that Holden Caufield is maybe one of the coolest characters you ever know, right?” Hoya said, mentioning the main character of the book. Woohyun smiles.

“Yeah.”

“I used to think like that too.” The younger said while flipping a page.

“Used to?”

“Now I think he’s just a lonely kid…some kind of high school brat who thinks that he has the weight of the world on his shoulder.” Hoya scoffed while take another sip from his coffee. Woohyun just laugh on that words.

“Aren’t you a little bit sarcastic?”

“Maybe I am a little sarcastic. I just don’t get it why he inspired a lot of people. I mean…a lot of people have the same difficult times…or maybe worse.” He sets down the cup again. Woohyun just stares at him, wondering what is that person thinking about right now.

“Do you have difficult times too, Hoya?” He asked. Hoya didn’t respond for about ten seconds.

“I had it too.” The younger said before closed the book and place it on the table. Woohyun’s eyes following every move that he make, just like he’s trying to capture it all. Every detail of it.

“It was difficult…at first. More than I will admit. More than you know.” Hoya smiles. Somehow Woohyun knows what’s hidden behind that smile. He knows it all along. All this time.

“Hoya…”

“It was burdensome.” He continue.

“I know, that’s why I told you…” Woohyun said, before the words got cut.

“You told me to accept it. But after I did, it makes me too sorrowful.” Hoya laughs. Woohyun just sighed, his fingers still playing with the wooden pencil. Somehow it’s just make him calm.

“Was it that bad?” He managed to ask.

“It was bad. Hell, it become worse…because you left.” Hoya said, and it hurts…maybe because Hoya is still smiling no matter how hard it is. Woohyun takes a deep breathe, his fingers begin to tremble.

“Hoya…” Woohyun softly said as he watch Hoya playing with his half-empty coffee cup. Hoya just gives a weak smile. Woohyun watches him pouring clear liquid in the sugar bottle into his coffee.

“I’m not blaming you for that. Maybe I’d do the same if I were you. I mean, those dreams of yours…it was cool. But I guess I’m a human…still…I was resentful. And crying….a lot.”

“I’m sorry; I don’t mean to do that.” Woohyun desperately said. Hoya still look calm, all smiling, slowly sipping into his coffee, making the cup empty.

“I know you don’t mean to do that. I know you’re trying hard too. You did nothing wrong. Maybe it’s me all along.”

“We both are wrong, Hoya. It’s not on you too.”

“Maybe we would be fine…if only I was stronger to hold on to this.” The younger man said. Woohyun can feel his chest hurt. He wishes he could say more words…just to convince the man in front of him. But he just can stares instead, watching Hoya’s eyelids shifting as his genuine smile appears again.

“But then I think, what is the use of trying to hold on to scattered pieces?”

That words like a glass that stabbed in to Woohyun’s heart. No. Not because he was the one that bleeding…but because, it is the other person wounds. And it is bad…

“Maybe our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it’s not scattered. It’s not that bad.” Woohyun tries to left out a chuckle…a long with drops of water in the corner of his eyes.

“It’s not our relationship that is scattered, hyung. It’s me.” Hoya said. Woohyun can’t say anything. He just let the tears dropped freely on her cheeks, while his fingers that playing with the wooden pencil trembling badly.

Hoya squinted his eyes, as if his eyes is too heavy to be opened. But still he’s smiling…continuing his words.

“I thought it will be less painful, hyung. The separation. Love? Maybe it’s worth doing again…someday. But to be truth…I’m just afraid. Because I know, once I let you go…I will never be able to reach anymore.”

“Hoya…stop it…” Woohyun’s voice sounds like a whisper.

“Too bad. I did it. I’ve let you go. It’s done.” The younger man scoffed.

Woohyun begins to cry.

“So this my truth, hyung…it’s broken. All of it. As I continue to live with it, I wonder…then what’s the point of living?” Hoya laughs weakly and Woohyun is crying more. As he watched the figure in front of him started to lose consciousness as if he’s drifting to slumber.

“Damn, I’m so sleepy, hyung… I really wish that you’re here…”

“I’m here, Howon-ah…I’m here now.” Woohyun manages to say between his tears.

“It would be nice to see your cheesy smiles…or maybe just listening to your greasy voice…ahh..and your special Espresso…Damn, I’ve missed it…I guess I really missed you, hyung”

 “Hoya…” Woohyun cries harder. As he watched Hoya struggling to keep his composure.

“Ah…I…almost forget….I love you, Woohyun hyung.”

Then Hoya’s eyes..that pair of beautiful black eyes closed. His head lolled a little before his figure drops into the table. Hoya’s head on the top of his folded elbows. Just like he falls asleep.

Woohyun breathes heavily seeing that. The wooden pencils on his fingers dropped. Clattering and making sounds in the wooden floor. Woohyun clasped his mouth with his palm. He broke down into a messy sob.

There…in Hoya’s living room. Along with the sound of the calm breeze that sway the soft purple curtain. In front of the camera that just stops playing a long video. Woohyun look at the wooden chair in front of him. It is empty…and so is this living room. And this house. And his heart…

I love you too, Hoya.

The words that Woohyun couldn’t say out loud…only manage to scream it inside his heart

--

“Woohyun? You’re here?”

Woohyun has calm down…but remained seated in the same spot for almost an hour. He looks up, seeing the man with small eyes and brown hair standing in front of him.

“Oh, Sunggyu hyung…”

“What are you doing Woohyun? Why are you still here?” The older man asked, seems doesn’t like the idea of Woohyun spending the whole afternoon in that place.

“He was sitting there, right hyung? Hoya, always like to sit on that spot because he can see the window from there.” Woohyun’s eyes pointed at the chair in front of him.

“Woohyun, Hoya is…”

“Gone. I knew it, hyung. I’m just…kinda wish..that he would just talk to me. Maybe he will be less lonely, maybe it will be less painful for him…and maybe he wouldn’t….”

“Woohyun-ah…” Sunggyu cut his words. Woohyun chuckles, while reaching at the camera in front of him.

“It’s done, there’s nothing you can do.” The older man said as he watches Woohyun still staring at the already stopped video in the camera. Woohyun didn’t say anything. He just smiles. Somehow, he knew it all…already.

“I’m sorry…but you can do anything now. Hoya is gone.” Sunyu said again.

Yeah, he’s gone…

PS: Trully inspired by the song and MV of Nell - The Day Before [hope you watch it that awesome video]. Oh my God, aren't they georgeous? Just listening to them makes me slipping away.