“What are we doing here?” I ask Cece irritably when we arrived in the place where she is supposedly will meet her boyfriend. We are in a public library, well, as far as I know Cece’s boyfriend is a reader that’s what I heard from her. As a reader, I’m supposed to find this place heavenly, yes, books are heaven to me, and more of it, SILENCE is the best part. But I happened to be avoiding this library not because I don’t like the books or the ambiance of the place; it’s just that, this place reminded me of something I never wanted to even recall.

“Can you just sit there and keep silent? I’m going to get Rafe so we can get the hell out of here. Aigoo, I think I’m going to throw up just seeing all these books.” Cece replied.

‘So why choose a bookworm for a boyfriend if you hate books.’ I thought to myself. “Okay, go and hurry, I have something more important to do.” I replied back.

“Yeah, spending all day at home reading books and writing is more important than your social life. And for the record Kweni, you spent all your life reading, that you can actually marry your books and live happily ever after. You seem to go along with them.” Cece replied as she was fixing her makeup. “I haven’t seen you dating a guy ever since we became friends.”

Cece and I are friends for 3 years now, I met her during my College Festival as we were lining up for a concert on our university gym. Just to make the story short, it turns out as we talked briefly that we really get along well, I like her cool and outgoing personality and she thinks I’m interesting. After the concert, we exchange numbers and texted and called each other often after that. That is where we get closer. For the 3 years we were friends Cece haven’t seen me once dating a guy. Well, I had a relationship 4 years ago, that was before Cece and I met. And he’s the reason I am avoiding this place.

I didn’t replied directly to the topic she was asking and I just blurted out, “can’t you go and get your boyfriend so we can go? And stop with the makeup, you look great with your state now, just go.”

“Yes, yes, I’m going now. You really have a problem with your patience. Fine, I’m going, and don’t go anywhere, just sit on that table over there.” She pointed out the table across the room and went to find her boyfriend.

As I walk towards the table, I noticed how the library changed, they renovated the Reading Area and it became a lot spacey and they put up more windows. It became a little more convenient than before. I shake my head as to stop myself from thinking other things, just being here reminds me of a lot of things from the past, hurtful things. I decided to scan the books on the Circulation Section just to not bore myself from waiting for Cece. The Circulation Section is just opposite to the table I am supposed to wait them, so I can easily see them when they come.

I deposited my bag in the counter and started scanning the books, and I admired them. Lots of new books are in here. But personally I’m more fond of classics, old books, any writer will do. I have this feeling I am travelling in the past as the writer describes the streets, the food and the culture. I love how the old paper feels in my hand and how the pages smell, It’s just comparable to the nostalgia you feel when you smell dried leaves burning on an afternoon as the sun goes down slowly.

I continued scanning the books for some time until I saw Cece coming towards the table, I smiled and started to walk towards her, I grab my bag on the counter where I deposited it earlier and thanked the lady in charge. I looked up again at Cece’s and saw a man standing just beside her; he was looking at Cece so I can only see his back. I stopped at my track as I look at the man’s back. I know from his back who he is. How can I forget, I was with him for 5 years, and YES, the reason why I avoided coming in this library for the past 4 years.

I turned my back and hide myself on the catalogues’ shelf. I breathed hard; my heart pounding and I just think my throat had gone dry. I don’t know what else to do. I froze on that corner; I don’t have the guts to show myself. I hear Cece saying, “Where is she? She’s supposed to be waiting here.” And I heard the man replied “Who?” I heard Cece replied again “My friend, I invited her to have dinner with us tonight, but I think she got bored and left already. I want to introduce you to her because I know you’ll get along well, you know, she loves books and reads a lot too.” “Ah, it’s such a waste I haven’t meet her. So, let’s go, I’m hungry, I was here since 2 pm.” The guy replied.

I heard them walk away, until then my breathing becomes normal again. I got out from behind the shelves and sat down to the nearest chair. Memories rushing on my head as i remember him again. I haven’t seen him for years now, and yes, I am avoiding him. I don’t want to see him or even hear his voice because it might cause me heart attack. I’m avoiding him for the fact that I don’t want him to ask me any questions and because I am guilty and apologetic to him. As I think about it, memories came rushing to my head, memories of me with him, memories I never dared thought about for the past years…..

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FLASHBACK:

“Kwens, have you read Koontz’s The Key to Midnight novel? Mom bought it for me for my birthday and yeah! It was the first release!! CLASSIC! It was dated back 1979!” Rafe said the first thing he arrived at the library.

“I haven’t.” I replied dryly.

“You want me to lend it to you? I finished reading them just last night, so I can lend it to you whenever you want to read it.” He replied excitedly.

I scanned the book I’m reading and replied “It’s okay; I still got a lot to read.” without looking at him.

He removed my glasses and holds my chin up. “Is something wrong?” he said as he looks at me in the eyes.

I removed his hands from my chin and snatched back my glasses. “Nothing, I’m just not feeling well today.” I lied.

“Really? You should go to the doctor for a checkup. Maybe it’s your allergies acting up again; you should see a doctor before your body bloats again.” He replied animatedly as he puffed his checks while talking.

“No need for that, I already take my medicine.” I replied.

“That’s good.” He replied. “So are we on for a dinner tonight at my house? Mom’s going to cook your favorite pasta.” He asked excitedly.

I look at him and see how he is so excited about the dinner tonight. I put down the book I was reading and cope his face. I look him in the eye. ‘okay, I’ll make you happy for tonight..one last time’ I thought. “of course!! Where on! Tell mom thanks for cooking for me.” I finally answered, smiling.

He stood up, grab my face and kissed me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you kwens! Mom will be so happy!!”

I just smiled and nod at him.

“I love you…” he said to me very sweetly.

I was taken aback … i look at him in the eye… his eyes is full speaking the words he just said, full of sincerity…‘how can I not love you’ I thought.

“I…I love you too…” I replied.

He leaned and kissed my forehead, and he said, “Thank you for coming in my life and for the past 5 years, you make me feel complete every day. Please don’t ask me this time to stop telling you how happy I am, because I won’t get tired telling you every chance that I have” he kissed my forehead again.

Unknowingly, my tears fall down. Feeling touched to what he said.

NO..not touched…I don’t need to lie even to myself I need to be true to myself starting from now. Yes I’m not touched, but instead I feel GUILTY.

I wipe my tears as to not make him see it. He returned back to his seat and smiled at me brightly, and I smiled back.

That night I prepared myself to go to their house. This is going to be the last night together. I prepared myself and my emotions for tonight. I will tell him everything, as in everything that I am feeling right now.. Everything that’s been bothering me for months now…

When I arrived at his house, I was surprise to see all the preparations. The living room is full of beautiful decorations. Balloons are everywhere.
After a moment he appeared holding 5 tulips, my favorite flower.

“This is for our first anniversary,” he handed me a flower. “This is for our second anniversary,” he handed me another one. “This is for the 3rd,” he handed me another tulip. “This is for the fourth,” he handed me another. “ And lastly this is for our 5th anniversary.” He handed me the last tulip. “I wanna give you every tulip I can get from mom’s garden, but sadly she only allowed me to get one every month.”

“I know it’s a bit early for us to celebrate our fifth anniversary but I just wanna treat you and wanna celebrate with you in advance. I’m just so excited you know, I can’t wait for another 4 days for our anniversary. It’s okay right?” He continued.

I was staring blankly at him, my eyes full of tears.

“Why are you crying? Did I do something you don’t like? Are you angry with me that I’m doing this before our anniversary?” he asked me, very concerned.
I just keep crying. My heart aching from the fact that I feel very guilty. I can’t manage to say a word to him. I feel so heartless because I’m pretending.
When he tried to hug me, I told him to stop. He immediately stop at his track and looks at me questionably. He asked me why, but I can’t say a word. He said ‘sorry’ and tried to hug me again but then I stop him again. This time I said something.

“Sorry…I’m so sorry…” I told him while I control myself from crying.

“We can’t be like this anymore…I can’t be like this anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. That everytime you do something for me I feel guilty, that everytime you show me concern I feel guilty, that everytime you say I LOVE YOU, ….i..i..i.. feel guilty. For the last months I didn’t even remember when it started but it just happens. I feel like I’m being unfair to you.” I continued.

“No Kwens you’re not, you’re fine. You’re not being unfair. You’re –“ ..he said.

“..no I’m not fine,” I interjected. “I’m not fine Rafe, I’m not fine! I feel I’m being unfair to you. I didn’t know where or when it all started but I feel like I can’t give you back everything you have given me. I didn’t know what it means first but I know now. I think I … I… I … suddenly stopped loving you.”

He looks at me. With confusion in his eyes…

“Yes Rafe, I stopped loving you, my heart just suddenly stopped loving you…that’s why I felt guilty everytime you kiss me and I’ll kiss you back, I felt guilt everytime you say I Love you and I will say I love you too…I feel guilty pretending I still love you when I’m not..”

“No…no kwens…it’s not it.. you’re just..you’re just ..you’re just confused okay? You’re just tired from school…This is not it Kwens, this is not it…I know you still love me..i know you do…” Rafe replied now crying.

“..sorry Rafe..but this is the truth…I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I don’t want to be unfair to you anymore, and I want to stop pretending. I want us to stop this now.” I replied.

“ I don’t want to… I don’t want to lose you…I don’t want this to end..i wanna be with you..just be with you..please…” Rafe replied while hugging me tightly.

“..please Rafe…please understand…” I cried at his chest.

“no kwens, I don’t want to understand. I want us to be together, to be like any other days… I want to continue the five years that we were together..i don’t want us to end..please kwens ..please..take back everything you just said okay? Please just stop this nonsense…” he held me on both shoulders loking at my eyes intently..

“ …I can’t Rafe..sorry…” I looked at him in the eye and bowed my head. “This is reality Rafe, we know from the very beginning things like this can happen. I want you to accept this reality..please..i want you to understand, so that I won’t feel guilty when I leave your side. This is all I want.” I continued.

Rafe let go of my shoulders. He sit down on the chair, bowed his head and started sobbing.

I can’t handle seeing him like this. I can’t. For the five years that we were together, I haven’t seen him once cry like this. I just felt my heart breaking from the sight of him.
I walked to him and kissed his head and said goodbye. He didn’t raise his head. I turned back to leave the house. I cried as I walk. Reminiscing the happy years. But what can I do, I think things can’t be like what we expected them to be.

END OF FLASHBACK
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I came back to reality after remembering what happened 4 years ago. Yes that was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen Rafe after that night but I came acroos her mom after 3 months of not seeing each other. I talked to her as to what happened and she understood. She said that’s what happened between her and his husband, Rafe’s dad. They separated and have meet new people to love.

I asked her about how is Rafe and she said he’s still suffering from what happened. She also mentioned Rafe decided to transfer to a different university, just to the next city.

I was surprised for a moment that he decided to leave but I thought if it’s the only way he can forget me, he should do it.

After my meeting with his mom, I haven’t seen her after that. I am actually avoiding him, I don’t go to his/our favorite hangouts, I don’t go to places I know he will be there. And I didn’t go to this library because I know this place is his running place whenever he’s sad. I don’t want us to see each other..well honestly I wanted to but I know Rafe don’t. I know he despise me right now and he hates me, after what I did. So I just keep avoiding him.

Meeting him today was very surprising. And to think he’s my best friend’s boyfriend now. I was shocked to see them together, not because I still love him, but because I still feel guilty. I still can’t face him after all this years. I don’t know what to react and what to say to him if ever we come face to face together. I’m just not prepared to face him. That’s all.

Today, I realized sometimes love’s just not enough, if only one have it. It should be
the both of you.

At first I think I shouldn’t have wasted the 5 years we spent together and just continued pretending nothing’s wrong. I sometimes I think of selfish things like, I don’t wanna lose him, but, I don’t want to use him or his sincere intention and love, just for me to have somebody by my side. That’s why I decided to leave him. I know it’s painful for him but I just want to be honest with myself, and to Rafe. Because I know there will come a time that he will still be hurt. But it’s better to tell him soon because it’s less painful that way.

I always pray for him to be happy and forget all the bad things that happened and just keep the happy moments. The moments we spent together will always be cherished.


I stood up, grab my bag and leave the library. Looking left to right as to see if Cece and him is still on here. I walked fast and gets out of the building.
I keep on thinking that I can’t keep running like this. There will come a time that I will need to face him.

I just hope that during that time I will be prepared to smile back at him sincerely, and that he will smile back.


---END---


Authors Note: Based on my True Story..Hope you'll like it..^^