January 11th, 2014
3:34 P.M.

It was today that I first started losing my hair. It didn’t surprise me as much as I thought that it would. I just woke up from a nap- a well rested nap that gave me more energy than I’ve had in the past month. See, I suffer from terminal cancer- a cancer that can’t be cured, so I’ve been told. But my mother tells me to never lose faith. You lose faith and god will stop trying to save you. 

The problem is that I don’t have faith in the god that she believes in. Why should I have faith in a character that I’ve read about in a book when I am sitting in this very hospital room, weak, and dying? If this god was real, why not take away the very cancer that is weighing on my life- crushing my soul, bit by bit?

Jongin is coming to visit me again today. You’d think that he would get tired of spending his free time in the hospital with me, but he doesn’t. He usually brings his homework on weekdays and we work on it together. He says that he needs help with it, but I think that he just wants to make me feel like every other high school student that doesn’t have cancer; though, he’d never say it.

◘

Jongin pokes his head inside the room first, making sure that he won’t wake up a sleeping Kyungsoo. He doesn’t, of course, but he does startle Kyungsoo when he comes out of the bathroom. Jongin could only laugh, though, because Kyungsoo was completely topless and he was so quick to cover himself up with his hospital supplied robe that he tripped over his oxygen cord. Luckily, he didn’t hurt himself, but the mere sight of it all was far too adorable.

“I’m sorry for startling you, hyung,” Jongin laughs lightly as he comes further into the room. He shuts the door and places a neatly wrapped box onto the table, labeled Happy Birthday Kyungsoo hyung ~! “I brought something for you.”

“You brought me a cake,” Kyungsoo asks, and wonders how he even got it past the nurses. “My birthday isn’t until tomorrow. Why bring one today?”

He just shrugs and sits in the chair next to the bed. “I just wanted to, I guess. I mean, if you don’t want it, I can take it back…”

“No, that’s okay. You don’t have to. I was just a little confused is all.”

“What are you confused about?”

“I am just confused about why you brought it today instead of waiting for tomorrow to bring it.”

The corners of Jongin’s mouth turn upward, forming a big smile. “It’s a surprise.”

◘

January 11th, 2014
5:02 P.M.

Jongin just left not even a minute ago. He said that he had to go home for a little bit, but he promised that he would come back. I keep staring at the cake and smiling stupidly at it. It wouldn’t really mean much to anyone else, but to me, it means everything. I’d rather receive a cake for my birthday than anything else. I don’t know why, though. It just means more that the person that I received the cake from, had to put serious thought into what the cake should look like. And the fact that this cake, specifically, was made personally by Jongin, meant the world to me. I almost don’t want to eat it.

So I took a picture of it and posted it on my blog. It got a hundred notes in thirty minutes just from people commenting ‘how sweet of him’ or ‘I wish my boyfriend were as thoughtful and as kind as yours.’ I couldn’t really disagree with them; he is really sweet and thoughtful.

◘

Just as Kyungsoo slid his journal back into the drawer of the bedside table, the door of his hospital room opens, and in came his friend- Wu Yi Fan, and his long time best friend Jung Taekwoon. It’s been awhile since he has seen the two of them and he couldn’t be any happier that they came to visit him.

“Yi Fan hyung, Taekwoon hyung, I didn’t realize that you two were going to come see me today.”

Taekwoon just shrugged and hid behind Yi Fan- who, laughed at his reaction. 

“Taekwoon was afraid to come by himself,” Yi Fan laughs, earning a swift kick to the back of his leg from Taekwoon. “He waited until I had the time off of work, so that I could come up with him.”

Kyungsoo pouted at this. “You aren’t going to break me, Taekwoon hyung. I’m already dying.”

“That’s not something you should joke about Kyungsoo,” Taekwoon mumbles, and finally brings himself from hiding. “I was only afraid that you wouldn’t be here anymore- that you would have passed in the period of time that I haven’t seen you. I was scared…”

“Well, you could have called, you know? I would have answered.”

“But what if you didn’t?”

“I get it, okay?” Kyungsoo raises his voice slightly, finding himself exhausted from doing so. “I get that people are afraid to call me or visit me because they are afraid to hear that I’ve died, but don’t you think that I deserve as much as a mere call to even know how I am doing? I call and call every single one of you to see how you are, but you are so busy that you never pick up. And my parents…” Kyungsoo trails off because he honestly can’t remember the last time he has heard from them. He can’t even remember when he had last seen them. He knows that he wasn’t forgotten, rather, he hopes that he wasn’t forgotten, but he honestly can’t blame them for not visiting him or calling. “I don’t think my parents are ready to face the reality of their son dying before them.”

“But you wish that they would muster up the courage to come visit, right?”

Kyungsoo looks over at Yi Fan and nods. “Is that selfish of me?”

“Kyungsoo,” he begins as he takes the seat beside the bed, “wanting your parents to hold your hand and give some reassurance to you that you aren’t going to die is not selfish. That is far from selfish, that isn’t even what people would consider as selfish. Our parents want nothing more than to know that we are safe and healthy. They want to protect us, nourish us, and help us feel better when we are sick. When they are faced with something, such like this and they can’t help us, they begin to feel like they failed as a parent. They will blame themselves for not taking more care of you and they will beat themselves up over it. You’re parents, Kyungsoo, are probably dying inside because you are sitting in this bed, waiting for your last breath. Just the thought of your pale and pasty skin and your sunken in eyes that scream exhaustion is most likely too much for them to bear. Give them time and I’m sure that they will come and see you.”

•

Yi Fan was actually right. Kyungsoo’s parents did come to see him. It was right after he and Taekwoon had left and Jongin had called to let him know that he would be there after doing something with his family. He wasn’t surprised that they came, but rather surprised at the news that they had told him.

Kyungsoo blinks rapidly, not sure of the thing that he was told is true. “Wait- what?”

Kyungsoo’s mother, unable to speak due to her crying, just breaks down. She sits down on the sofa and leaves his father to explain. “We met up with your doctor this afternoon and she had said that there seems to be no signs of cancer anywhere. She said that it was impossible considering, but she never doubts a miracle when she sees one.”

“So, I’m okay- I can leave?”

“Not exactly,” his father continues. “She has noticed how weak your body has become and she wants to try and bring it back to a more comfortable state. She also said that you will be taking one more treatment just to be on the safe side.”

“I’m… ...not going to die.” Kyungsoo leans back in his bed, the realness of what he just heard still setting in. And when it does, he begins to cry.

◘

January 11th, 2014
9:30 P.M.

So I guess this is where I say my apologies to you, god. I didn’t have much faith in you, and at times, I really hated you. This feels so surreal; my cancer being gone. And I don’t really know how to thank you, but thank you. Even though I’ve thought so many horrible things about you and resented you, you still saved me from dying. What kind of person are you? Is this why you are called god?

I guess that I should go back to spending the rest of my night with Jongin. He is really bothersome when I write in this journal of mine. 

◘

It’s was about three in the morning when Kyungsoo wakes up to find the rest of his hair lying in a pile on his pillow. He just stared at it at first, which was all he could do. He didn’t know how to react, much less know what he should do. But then it hit him hard that he just lost all of his hair; thus, he began to scream.

This caused Jongin to come flying from the sofa in a frantic mess. He rushed over to Kyungsoo’s bed and threw his arms around him in attempts to calm him, but it didn’t work. He just latched onto one of Jongin’s arms and continued to scream with a mix of gut wrenching sobs. He wanted to tell Kyungsoo that it was okay- that it would grow back, but he didn’t want to upset him anymore than he already was. So he just continued to hold him until his cries died down and he was able to fall asleep again. 

•

He really felt for Kyungsoo, he really did, but what could he do to make Kyungsoo feel better? All that he seemed to be able to do was comfort him; that’s all he has been doing. “Hyung,” Jongin says with his head against the bathroom door, “you have to come out sometime. We aren’t going to wait here forever. We have things to do. Yi Fan and Taekwoon hyung have to work, your parents have to get the house ready for you to go home; I have to check in with my parents- my sisters at the very least.”

“Then leave,” Kyungsoo says, his words muffled by the pillow he had his head buried in. “I’ve spent my birthday alone before, so this time won’t be any different.”

“Hyung, it’s not even that big a deal. A lot of people lose their hair because of the chemo treatments.”

“I look horrible, Jongin. I don’t look attractive anymore. My hair was everything, it made me look appealing. People, especially you, loved my hair. What about now?”

Jongin wanted to yell at him and tell him how stupid he was being, but he knows that that isn’t how a person should handle things. “Why are you acting like you’re going to stay bald for the rest of your life? It will grow back, hyung, just give it a few months.”

“But what if it isn’t the same as before?”

Jongin couldn’t do this anymore. If he stood there and kept listening to Kyungsoo talk and act pathetically, he was going to do things that he would regret. So he backed away from the door and grabbed his things. “Don’t bother calling me if he actually comes to his senses,” he says before leaving the room.

They all stood there and tried to take in what just happened. Soon enough though, one by one, they all left Kyungsoo alone in that hospital room.

◘

January 12th, 2014
1:24 P.M.

I take my apologies back. I’m not sorry for the things that I said to you. You are a horrible god. I lost the most attractive part of me: my hair. It’s now lying in a messy pile of garbage somewhere and it’s entirely fault. I look ugly and I’m pretty sure Jongin won’t find me attractive anymore either. 

I can’t even walk from the bathroom to the bed without needing assistance because I am just that weak. I feel like I am losing control of everything that I was able to control: my looks. Am I even worth looking at anymore?

◘

Jongin hasn’t come back to the hospital since his birthday. It was now Tuesday and everyone was getting Kyungsoo ready to go home. They gave him his last Chemo treatment yesterday and said that he could just have a home nurse sent over to keep tabs on his body’s improvement for the next few weeks. He was happy to go home, he really was, but he just didn’t feel happy if that made sense at all. He didn’t feel like he was given a second chance at life nor did he feel relieved to leave the extremely suffocating room that he spent nearly a six months in. He felt tired, nauseous, and weak. He felt vulnerable in his current state. Although it was suffocating, he felt safe in that hospital room. He took comfort in knowing that if he needed help, someone there would help him in an instant. If he were to be honest with himself, he really didn’t want to leave

“Are you excited to leave this place,” his mother asks him while helping him into some warm sweats. “I bet you are excited, huh?”

“Excited is a bit exaggerated, mom.” Kyungsoo keeps himself on his feet by holding onto his mother’s shoulders as she lifts his sweat pants up and over his . “Eager? Maybe.”

“Whether it’s eager or excited, you must really want to leave this hospital and sleep in a real bed, and eat real food.’

Kyungsoo had to agree with that one. “Sleeping in my own bed does sound nice and your baked garlic chicken sounds really wonderful.”

His mother laughs and helps him back onto the bed to put his socks and shoes on. “Shall I make that for your coming home dinner then? Maybe makes some teriyaki stir fried vegetables with it?” Kyungsoo just nods and helps his mother by sliding his sock covered feet into his shoes. She finishes up by tying them and stands up straight to reach for his coat. She notices his crestfallen expression and she frowns. “What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing, mom, don’t worry about it.”

“It’s something. Now tell me.”

“I was just thinking,” he begins and holds his arms out so that she can put his coat on him, “about Jongin.”

“What about him?”

“NI’s nothing really. I was just wondering what he is doing that would keep him from talking to me for a few days.”

“Honey,” she says and sits down beside him, “you did nothing that would keep him away if that is what you’re thinking. He is just probably busy with school. He did miss out on a lot of classes to be here with you. He might have just had to catch up in something’s.”

“But he would always do his work here just so that he wouldn’t get behind. He told me that his professors allowed him to. I don’t understand…”

“Let’s not worry about that right now, okay? I’m sure that he will talk to you when he is able to. Why don’t we worry about your father that is sitting outside waiting for you to come down, hm?”

Kyungsoo just nods again and let’s his mother guide him into the wheelchair and out of the hospital room.

•

When they brought Kyungsoo home, his mother insisted that he go upstairs and rest while she makes dinner, but he didn’t want to rest; he didn’t even want to lay in a bed because that is all that he has been doing while he was in the hospital. He was either lying in bed, lying on the sofa with a book or his journal in his hands, or lying in another hospital bed getting x-rayed and treated. He swore that if he had to lie in another bed, he was going to scream himself deaf- if that were even possible.

Then his mother suggested various other things and he opted for a shower (well a bath considering he couldn’t find the strength to stand up that long.) So now he sat in the warmth that is his bath, writing in his journal (on the edge of the tub mind you) about the few hours that he has been home. He might have also added a few things about Jongin and why he hasn’t been to see him in a few days, but you know, it’s whatever.

Then he remembered that he really didn’t have to write in his journal anymore. He only started to write in a journal as a form of stress relieving (suggested by none other than his doctor), so he really had no reason to write in it anymore because he was no longer dying. But the sole purpose of the journal was to relieve stress, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to keep writing in it.

A soft knock pulled Kyungsoo from his writing and he quickly placed it back on the toilet and gave the okay for whoever was on the other side to come in.

“Hey,” says his father after he pokes his head in. “Your mother sent me up to tell you that dinner is done and also to help you if you need it. She would have done it herself, but she didn’t want to embarrass you that way; hence, sending me up.”

“I’m very capable of drying and clothing myself, dad.” Kyungsoo mumbles, feeling embarrassed even in front of his own father as he stands up to drain the tub and step out of it. “I’m not completely helpless, you know?”

“I know that, but you know how overly worrisome your mother can get.”

“Are you sure it’s not because she feels guilty for the both of you leaving Jongin to do a job that you two, as my parents, should have done?”

It was a question asked out of pure curiosity that was it. He never meant it to hurt his father as much as it clearly did. His father just nodded with a smile and left the bathroom so that Kyungsoo could finish dressing himself. 

•

Walking down the stairs seemed like a chore for Kyungsoo. He had to rely on the support of the wall just to make it down the stairs safely. Sure, he could have asked one of his parents for help, but he has lived the last year with people helping him with tasks such as this and he was determined to prove that he could do this himself. And he did, without falling or something else that would embarrass him or cause his mother to fly to aid him. “And she thinks that I can’t do this on my own,” Kyungsoo mumbles, and then laughs as if he had succeeded in proving her wrong. “Just you watch, woman.”

“Go ahead,” said woman says in that tone that is daring Kyungsoo to do or say anything else. “I’m watching.”

Kyungsoo laughs nervously. “Mom, I’m sorry… Hehehe, hehe, heh… I love you?”

She rolls her eyes. “Just go take a seat at the table, yeah?”

And so he does, with the unwanted help from her of course, but he was already walking on eggshells with her. And his dad… Well, he didn’t even bother to look up at him as he sat down at the table. He didn’t even know why he was so upset with what he said. If anything, Kyungsoo should be upset. After all, he was left in the hospital with only Jongin and a few of his friends to keep him company and help him when he needed it. It shouldn’t have been them; it should have been his parents.

“So how are things at work,” Kyungsoo asks, making for light conversation. “Everything is okay, I hope?”

“Things are fine,” his father answers while taking a bite of his chicken. “Things are just perfect.”

Kyungsoo frowns at the coldness in his father's response. “Dad…”

“What is it Kyungsoo? What would you like for me to say? Hm? I’m sorry? Is that it?”

“That’s not…”

“Do you want me to get on my knees and beg you to forgive your father for not visiting you as much as you wanted me too or your mother?”

“Dear,” his mother says to get him to stop, but failing to do so. “Now is not the time for this.”

“No. If he wants to get daring with his words and his questions, he is going to get answers.” He sets his fork down and meets eyes with his son, who was trembling at this side of his father; a side he has never seen before. “You want to know why your mother and I haven’t been to the hospital to help our sick and dying son get better?” 

Kyungsoo nods, though, he isn’t quite sure that he wants an answer.

“Well, Kyungsoo, despite what you make think, having you in that hospital has cost us a lot of money. We worried over whether or not we would be able to pay the massive amount of hospital bills just building and building. Chemotherapy isn’t exactly free, you know, so we were worrying ourselves sick because we can’t afford this, but we don’t want to lose our son. So I worked longer hours, picked up others shifts to bring in more money and your mother took on two extra jobs. Just to pay for your hospital bills. We’ve been running ourselves ragged, barely kept ourselves fed and hydrated, just so you could live. And not once, not even a little, did you show gratitude to us since we’ve brought you home.”

“Honey,” his mother cuts in, hushing his father, “don’t start crying over your fathers outburst of anger, okay? We have been worried over your health, and these treatments were expensive, but we didn’t want to just give up on you, not when you were fighting so hard to not give up on us or life. We were- are exhausted and we didn’t want you to see us like that. On top of not being able to make you better ourselves, we decided that we could do it this way. Don’t be mad at us, okay? We did what we had to do as parents to ensure that you got better, even though it meant that we couldn’t visit you personally.”

“Personally,” Kyungsoo asks, wiping away is freshly fallen tears. “What do you mean personally?”

“Jongin,” his mother answers, “said that he would go in place of us and keep us updated on how you were. We didn’t ask him to, he just knew that we couldn’t and he didn’t mind it. Your father got a generous raise two months ago and I didn’t have to work those two extra jobs, so we told Jongin that he didn’t have to spend all his time at the hospital and that he should focus on school more.”

“So that’s why he has been leaving for long periods of time for the past month…”

“Yes. It was probably because of exams.”

“But if you were able to come visit me, why didn’t you?”

“We have,” his father answer this time, “but you were always sleeping when we got there. We didn’t want to exhaust you more than you already looked.”

Kyungsoo wanted to say that all of what he was told didn’t make sense, but in an odd way, it kind of did. His parents have worked so hard to pay for his hospital bills that they were probably as exhausted as he was. It would make sense that Jongin was there in place of them, so that they could rest when they needed to. He looked at both of his parents and wished that he could tell them how grateful he was that they didn’t give up on him. But even though it made sense, he couldn’t help but feel like it was a fabricated truth.

“Was it hard for you guys?”

His mother blinks at him. “Was what hard for us?”

“My being in the hospital,” he answers. “Was it hard for you knowing that I was lying in a hospital bed, looking sick and exhausted, and just waiting to die? Is that why you guys stopped coming to see me?”

“We told you, Kyungsoo, it was because of the bills.”

“I don’t doubt that, dad, but it just doesn’t make sense. See, Jongin would tell me where he was going and why he spent so much time at the hospital, but not once did he say it was because you guys couldn’t. His leaving or school seems true; you working to pay for bills seem true- even though I don’t know why my insurance wouldn’t take care of that. But nothing else made sense, much less seemed true. It’s because you never mentioned how hard it was for you to watch your son die.”

“Everything we said was true, son,” his father says calmly, tiredly. “We have been working a lot just to pay for what your insurance wouldn’t. Your mother really did take on two extra jobs, but she was able to do them from home. I did take on extra hours at work, but I didn’t take others shifts. I was too tired to do all that work. I only got the raise because my boss was worried for my health and I wasn’t going to get the raise unless I went back to my regular hours. At times, we were too busy to come see you and relied on Jongin to tell us how you were. But most of the time-”

“We couldn’t bear to look at that sick face of yours,” his mother continues on when his father is too choked up to be able to. “The last time we seen you, you had looked just so tired; you couldn’t hold a proper meal down and couldn’t seem to keep your eyes open when you would talk. It was killing us inside- watching you like that, but not being able to do anything. So yeah, our intentions were to lie to you- stretch the truth a little bit because we didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault. And so we stayed away until we heard that your condition has improved greatly and we started to come up while you were sleeping so that you didn’t have to exhaust yourself while or after you’ve talked to us.”

“But I would have felt more comforted with the two of you there,” Kyungsoo says after pushing his plate away from him due to loss of appetite. “With Jongin, it was bearable, but it would have been better with you two there. I wouldn’t have felt like Jongin was spending as much time as he had with me. I really felt like that. It just seemed like I was going to die and only my friends cared enough to spend my last days with me.”

“We are sorry, Kyungsoo, but please understand us.”

“I can’t understand you guys at all,” he mumbles, and gets up from the table. “I’m too tired to eat dinner, so I’m just going to go to bed.”

Leaving his parents at the table, he leaves the dining room to head upstairs. He didn’t want to sleep in another bed, but he surely didn’t to stay down here with his parents.

◘

January 14th, 2014
10:09 P.M.

I really want to hate my parents right now, but I can’t. I have to keep Yi Fan hyung’s words in mind that they were probably suffering just as much as I was while I was in the hospital, but that doesn’t mean that they should have lied about it. Because not only to I feel like it was my fault or keeping them away, I feel worse knowing that they feel the need to lie to me. 

I was having a hard time too. And Jongin had to watch his boyfriend slowly die right before his eyes and never once had he failed to visit me.

Why was it so hard for them? Well, I guess that if I was a parent, it would hurt me to watch my child die before my very eyes. I would feel like I failed to protect them like I swore that I would. So maybe what Yi Fan said was true. Maybe they do feel like they failed me as my parents.

◘

Kyungsoo felt sick when three in the morning came around. He didn’t expect to get nauseated as much after he took his last Chemo treatment, but his doctor told him that it was possible that he would get that way for the next few weeks. So he reached down in his duffle bag for the medicine he was prescribed to help with nausea, and took one from the bottle. He placed it in his mouth and took a sip from the glass of water sitting on his bedside table.

He swallowed it easily and put the glass back down; rolling back onto his back to weight for the medicine to kick in. Finally taking notice in the warmth radiating off of the body that he was touching, he looked over to meet eyes with an exhausted looking Jongin. 

“Jesus,” Kyungsoo whispers with a gasp, “how long have you been there? How did you even get in my room- my house?”

“I snuck in when your parents went to sleep,” he answers, chuckling at the petrified look that he gets in response. “Relax, hyung, I’m just kidding. Your mom said that I could stay the night with you, so here I am.”

“You know the rules of staying over, Jongin. You can’t be in my bed. What if my mom comes in? Or my father?”

“I think that they will let it slide if you tell them that you just couldn’t get warm and asked if I could sleep in your bed for extra warmth.”

Kyungsoo scoffs at him. “You’re sly, you know that?”

“Of course I do,” he answers, and pulls Kyungsoo against his chest. “I perfected it don’t you know?”

“You're the slyest person I know, if I were to be honest.”

He laughs. “But of course.”

Kyungsoo looks up at him and notices the beanie covering his head. “Why are you wearing a beanie? You have such beautiful hair that should be seen by everyone, not covered and kept from anyone seeing.”

“I just didn’t want to take it off is all.”

“I wish I had hair to show off or hide.”

Jongin frowns and pulls him closer. “Don’t say that.”

“I look ugly without hair, Jongin, horrible.”

“You look just as good without hair as you do with it.”

“But people take pride in their hair, it’s what makes them attractive, it’s what makes you attractive.”

Jongin hushes him with a soft and short lasting kiss to his plush lips. It works, of course, because Kyungsoo doesn’t speak after the younger pulls away. “Hair isn’t what makes people attractive, hyung, it’s their personality, and yours makes you completely breathtaking.” Kyungsoo goes to speak, and once again, Jongin hushes him with another kiss. “Stop trying to argue with me, hyung, you’ll lose.”

After a few minutes, and many kisses later, Kyungsoo finally gives up and has his head resting on one of Jongin’s arms, just seconds from sleep. I want you to go somewhere with me tomorrow, he hears Jongin whisper against his head, on a date. Not having the energy to talk, he just nods and closes his eyes, surrendering to the sleep that beckons him.

•

Jongin left for school after Kyungsoo got out of the shower. It kind of upset him that he left without kissing him first, or at least saying that he was leaving, but he understood it. They overslept and Jongin was afraid that his mom had seen them sleeping in the same bed, so he left before he could find out. Which was probably the best idea considering his mom was scary when she is angry.

“Do you have any plans today,” his mother asks him while he picks at his breakfast. Kyungsoo shakes his head. She is quiet for a moment and then asks him another question. “Are you going out with Jongin later?” This time Kyungsoo shrugs. She heaves a sigh and sets down her chopsticks. “I’m just going to come out with it: are you two having ?”

Kyungsoo drops his chopsticks and they fall off of the table, nearly landing on his foot. “Mom!”

“Are you, Kyungsoo? Are the two of you having ?”

“Mom,” Kyungsoo shouts again, “we are not even- our relationship never- why are you asking me this?”

“I seen you two sleeping together this morning,” she answers without hesitation. “I also noticed that he didn’t have a shirt on and I spotted your pants at the foot of the bed…”

“Allow me to assure you that our relationship isn’t like that,” he says while getting up from his chair to pick up his chopsticks. “He was just keeping me warm okay? His pants never came off nor were they ed. And you, of all people, should know that I never sleep with pants on. That’s why you seen a pair at the foot of my bed.”

Feeling embarrassed , but not showing it, she clears . “How can I believe that you two never engaged in that sort of thing?”

“He asked me once, okay? We were at his house doing homework; since the house was empty, I figured, why not? We had just finished our homework or our math class- the last of our homework, actually. And… I don’t really know? He went front giving me a kiss as a form of thanks? And it kind of escalated from there? But he, like, stopped. He said that, you aren’t feeling what I am and this is wrong. I asked him what he meant by that and he just answered, if I were to ask you to have with me, would you?”

His mother looked as if she didn’t want to talk about this with him, but also wanted to know about it at the same time. “What did you say after he asked you?”

“I thought it was kind of weird and the thought of a in my kind of- no, completely scared the hell out of me and he was okay with the fact that we may never, ever, have .”

“You shouldn’t talk like that,” she reprimands, and takes a sip of her water. “Why did you even tell me that?”

“It’s because you asked me,” Kyungsoo exclaims after placing the dirty chopsticks on table. “If you would just trust that your son knows what to do with his life and stop nosy around in it, we wouldn’t have to have this conversation.”

“I’m sorry I asked.”

“You should be.”

Kyungsoo goes to walk out of the dining room only to run into his dad, literally. He apologized for running into him and heads for the stairs.

“Where are you going,” his dad asks, stopping him from walking up the stairs. “Aren’t you going to help your mother clean up?”

“I’m going to lay down for an hour or so before I need to get ready for my date with Jongin.”

“But your mother can’t clean up all that by herself. She needs help.”

“Then help her,” Kyungsoo says cheekily. “I’m too tired right now or I would. I mean, I don’t exactly have the energy to do much right now.”

“But you have enough to go out on dates with Jongin,” he asks or states rather. He lets Kyungsoo go and allows him to go upstairs. “I’ll do it then, since you are OBVIOUSLY too tired.”

“Dad,” Kyungsoo calls out after him and then groans when he disappears into the kitchen. “I can’t even sleep? Are you serious?”

•

Kyungsoo decided that his house was not the best place to sleep, not that he was going to get any sleep there anyway. So he left for the library and slept there for an hour. He thought that he would get in trouble for it, but no one really bothered with him. Maybe it was because mostly everyone he knows goes to that library and they probably knew that he just got out of the hospital and how tired he would be. He was really thankful for that. 

“Hey,” he hears someone whisper to him while caressing his cheek. “Wake up, hyung, people are starting to stare.”

“Let them stare,” he mumbles in response and shoves the hand away. “This is the best sleep that I have gotten that wasn’t medically induced and I am not moving.”

“I will strip you in front of all these people, hyung.”

Kyungsoo stands up immediately and nearly stumbles over his bag. “Okay, I’m awake. I am awake.”

Jongin laughs while picking up Kyungsoo’s bag and he puts it around his own shoulder. “You forgot about our date, didn’t you?”

“No,” he lies, “I was just waiting here for you.”

“I stopped by your house and your dad said that you were here.”

“Oh.”

“Come on, hyung. I want get some food first before we go anywhere else.”

•

“Where are we going?”

Jongin hushes him and continues to guide in over seemingly large rocks. “Just wait, okay? We aren’t too far from the place.”

“Is this place outside,” Kyungsoo asks, and wraps his fingers tightly around Jongin’s hand. “I feel like we are outside.”

“We are outside,” Jongin confirms, and stops after reaching their destination. “And the place is outside too.”

“Jesus, Jongin. It’s like twenty-something degrees outside right now and you know how easy it is for me to get sick.”

Jongin lets go of his hand and removes the blindfold, revealing to him a small campfire with two chairs, blankets, and a cooler in between. Kyungsoo stared at the sight before him in awe and Jongin smiles, pleased with the reaction that Kyungsoo gave. “I wanted to sit in front of a campfire with you while roasting hot dogs and marshmallows and cuddling up together to keep warm. Very romantic don’t you think?”

Kyungsoo side eyes him. “You’ve been watching too much American films.” 

“That may be true, but this seemed nice, okay? And cheap, so please don’t judge it or me for that matter.”

“I’m not, honest. It’s just really cute rather than romantic.”

“Do you want a roasted hotdog or not?”

Kyungsoo nods excitedly. “Yes, please. Show me how good you are with a fire.”

After ten minutes of cursing, blowing, and raging, Jongin was finally able to get the fire started. Kyungsoo offered to help him, even insisted on it, but Jongin would just shake his head and grumble, you wanted me to show you, so I will show you. And Kyungsoo would sit there, snickering, and choking on water every time he failed to show him just how great he was at starting a fire. But he started it nonetheless, even if it wasn’t that big.

“I want to die.”

“It’s not that bad, shut up.”

“We can only roast marshmallows with this fire. I want to quit life.”

“It is snowing a little bit, Jongin, so calm down.”

Jongin takes a marshmallow off and places it in Kyungsoo’s mouth after blowing on it to cool it down. “If I am going to have you out in the cold, I want to keep you warm with more than marshmallows- which I am doing a horrible job of feeding you. I'm so sorry."

Kyungsoo laughs and wipes the rest of his mouth off with the dampened napkin that Jongin was rubbing over his face. “Just feed yourself, stupid.” Kyungsoo continues to laugh when Jongin sulks and places his own marshmallow into his mouth, nearly making a mess of that. And then he noticed the beanie resting snugly against Jongin’s head. “Why are you wearing a beanie that looks a bit small for you?”

Jongin sat the stick against a rock and swallowed slowly. “You finally noticed that, huh?”

“I mean, it does look like it’s squeezing your head, so…”

“Hyung,” he begins after moving his chair to get a better view of Kyungsoo, “I want you to know that I did this for a reason, so when you see it, don’t get upset.”

“See what,” Kyungsoo asks while wrapping the blanket closer around himself. “Hey, would you get mad if I wanted to go home because of it being too cold?”

“I wouldn’t, but I want you to sit here and listen to me first, okay? No, don’t dignify that with an answer. Just listen.” Kyungsoo just nods and motions for him to continue. “I did something before coming to pick you up earlier, a very big something."

Kyungsoo looks at him like he is preparing himself for the worst. "Okay... And…?"

Jongin just sighs and reaches for the beanie on his head. He pulls it off slowly to reveal a hairless head and Kyungsoo’s jaw drops. What made this moment an extremely tense moment was because of the fact that Kyungsoo didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever. It was only like ten minutes at the most, but it sure felt longer to Jongin. “Say something, hyung,” he begs, after putting his beanie back on. “Say anything, anything at all. Please?”

What was he supposed to say to his boyfriend’s bald head? That isn’t something that he can easily react to or comment on. He couldn’t even manage to thinking of anything to say to that; much less bring himself to say it.

“Hyung, please say something. I mean, I shaved my head for you… I think that deserves some kind of response.”

“Why did you shave your head?” 

“I told you that I shaved it for you.”

“Why did you shave it for me?”

“Because…”

“Because why?”

“It’s because I was tired of you saying how ugly you are,” he spits out, frustrated, and slightly annoyed. “You constantly go on about how unattractive you are and no one, not even me, will find you attractive. You have been downgrading yourself so much lately, and losing confidence in your looks, it was driving me insane. So I shaved my head. I cut everything off.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” Kyungsoo deadpans. “Why did you chop your hair off?”

“I wanted you to see that even without hair, you are still attractive. And when I couldn’t get you to see that, I figured that the only way to make you feel better about being bald is if I, too, were bald.”

Kyungsoo didn’t know how to respond to that either. He never even really bothered to think about how others felt when it came to his complaining of the loss of his hair. He just made it all about his feelings. He had been doing that a lot since he first learnt of his cancer. But was he really this bad? He must’ve been if Jongin had to go bald just to show him. He really wanted to cry because of this if he were to be honest. 

“You’re crying,” Jongin says with a hint of panic in his voice. “Why are you crying? Are you pissed at me? Did I shave my head for nothing? Oh god, I did. My mother is going to kill me. She is going to bury me out in the backyard-”

“Jongin, stop talking,” Kyungsoo shouts over him and then laughs lightly. “I’m just realizing how stupid I was to be putting myself down so much over not having any hair. I mean, in the words of the person I love most, it will grow back. That and it’s sweet that you’d go to such great lengths for me. You’ve been the only one that has done anything for me at the drop of a hat. You’ve even done things for me that, as my boyfriend, you shouldn’t have and I’m really grateful for it.” Kyungsoo uses the blanket that he is wrapped up in to dry his eyes and he sniffles. “I can’t say that I feel confident enough to walk around without a beanie outside my house, but seeing what you’ve done for me has really made me see that I really am an attractive person without hair and you are completely the opposite.”

"Are you saying that I'm ugly now?"

"What I am saying is that I am definitely more attractive than you are bald and can most and definitely pull the look off better than you can.”

Jongin scoffs. "Where did all this confidence come from all the sudden?"

“It came from the most incredible person that I know,” Kyungsoo answers seriously this time. He gets up from his chair to walk over and sit in Jongin’s lap. With his legs dangling over the arm of the chair, he wraps both of his arms around Jongin, and rests his head on his shoulder. "You really are the most incredible person I know. I think Taekwoon hyung and Yi Fan hyung might end up sad if they heard that, and most likely my parents too, but I don't really care."

"I'm glad that you think I'm that incredible."

"Someone other than your family has to."

Kyungsoo chuckled and Jongin just shook his head. "I think the cold is getting to your head. We should probably get you home before you parents plot ways to kill me for having you out here for so long."

"My dad will probably throw a fit for going out with you anyway," he mumbles, "so why not enjoy it while we can?"

“My parents aren’t going to be home tonight,” Jongin says suggestively while unwrapping Kyungsoo from his blanket. “We could tell your parents that you are staying at my house for the night, so that they can be reprieved of having to take care of you if you need it. We could cuddle while watching movies. Or we could take a bath together to warm the bones. We don’t even have to leave my bedroom.”

This brought Kyungsoo to his feet instantly. He searched around for his things and gathered them up into his arms. He looked down at Jongin and blinked. “Well, aren’t you coming?”

Jongin tried his best to contain his laughter, but in the midst of getting up to start cleaning up the mess they created, he couldn’t contain it anymore and started laughing. “I’m coming, hyung, I’m coming.”

◘

January 15th, 2014
12:24 A.M.

So yesterday, Jongin was the one to teach me something fairly important in life. He taught me that one doesn’t have to have something to make them attractive; they don’t even have to have good looks to make them attractive. They just need a good heart and a good personality- you know, the more important things that are above good looks.

I still doubt him, though, but I don’t want to tell him that. He shaved his head for me and it would piss him off if I still didn’t believe that I can be just as attractive without hair as I could with it. But I guess, in some ways, that I do believe that I can.

But you know?

It must’ve taken a lot or Jongin to shave his head for me. No matter whom it is, a person’s hair is everything to them, or at least that is what I think. And for him to just shave it… He really must love me more than even he had thought. 

I don’t think I can ever express how grateful I am to have such an incredible person in my life. 

Words won’t even be enough to express how much I love Kim Jongin.

Author's note:

I am so very sorry that this took so long to post. I wanted to make this a little over 3k words, but I got so into writing this and oops! A bit over 8k words happened.

I really enjoyed writing this (mostly because I didn't kill anyone in it.)

The parts that are italicized are Kyungsoo's journal entries of course. The reason why I wrote them into this fic is because I wanted people to see what he was thinking? You know, thoughts that he would only put into a journal. Please tell me that that was okay and not "unnecessary." I really liked sharing things from his pov even if it was via journal entries.

I also made his parents s... sorry.

Small note: I only have limited knowledge on terminal cancer, so the amount of chemo treatments a person would have to take varies I guess. (I probably should have googled more about this tbh.) And the chances of survival is unpredictable, I would think. (I don't want to say that the chances are none and like emotionally hurt someone that does have or knows someone that has this type of cancer. That's why I had Kyungsoo cured? To give hope..? I don't actually know what i'm trying to say in this note. Sorry if you didn't get anything and ayyyyy if you did get it.) I've watched this movie and the dude in it was still nauseous and vomiting down to his.. last... moment.. in the uh and yeah... My grandpa was too I think. I would guess that it's different with other  people. 

So yeah... Thanks for reading this fic (and the unnecessary long author's note)