I surrendered.

Sometimes life became too hard to bear with,

Eventhough I had tried my best to keep fighting the faith.

Sometimes loving you became too hard to stand for,

It was hard to bear the pain that hit me for loving you.

Sometimes I felt like wanting to give up, when you pushed my love over the limit, when you kept changing the rules of this game, when you kept trying on me, over and over like it has no end, like it had no fin, like it kept on running in a circle—you’d love to see how much I was being tortured.

Call me a fool, because I kept on trying to catch the dragon’s heart. It apparently stuck on me as a habit, as i started to bleed everywhere.

And call me blind, because I challenged myself, pushing my own being too hard, only to get the Jiyong’s attention; it was always been like that; acting like a dumb, all my pride, just to make him looking at me. Only me.

And call me masochist, because I fought over the real circumstance—for Jiyong’s so-worthy-love, and all i got was his back facing towards me.

But now, I surely surrendered. All surrendered.

It was just a little story of my unrequited-love to Jiyong. It was just a moment when my expectation could kill me. Maybe that time, it was more likely if I called it imagination. We were apart for 3 months due my promotion in Japan and his Global World Tour. I missed him too much, unless the distance could make me stay on my right mind, because I could keep myself away from thinking too much about him, keeping myself from drinking his attention. That was 3 months and 2 days , and he sent me a message that he would be going to visit me, that he missed me too due the lack of touch that we made at that time. And I felt overjoy at the moment. Obviously I went to look for my manager, begging him to give me a break, at least for a day when jiyong would visit me.

That day was still clear in my memory, the day that I learnt not to expect to be loved by man called G-Dragon. That day was in a last of August, a week after his Birthday. It was rain when I picked him from airport. He was so breathtakingly too good-lookinh or maybe it was just me who was tamed by his charm.

I had a plan for a week before he came; everything that I wanted to do when he visited me, I had to keep in order of the story that I wanted him to hear; how my days was running here without him, I would tidy my place because I knew that he liked everything neat and clean. I changed my bed sheet, my comforter with the clean ones, because I knew that he loved the smell of the fresh from the laundry bed sheet. I prepared everything that he loved to make sure that he got himself comfortable.

We were heading straight to my place after that. We had chit and chat on our way, he told me about his World Tour, he looked a little pale that day, he must be overworking as always. Sometimes he would pat my head, caressing my cheek, or giving me a light punch when I told him about some stupid things that I have done while we were apart. I told him about how I missed him and BIGBANG, we shared an idea about our next concert, the journey felt so lively that time, suffocating me, and i was that thoughtless to expect too much.

And when we reached my place, he excused himself for taking a bath, I carried his bag to my room, because I just lived here alone and temporary. I just rented a single room apartment, so obvious that we would spend the night on the same bed tonight—yes, that was one of my stupidity to over-dream about it.

I was watching some lame comedy on TV while waiting for him finishing his not-so-quick-shower. The sound of click from my bathroom made me titled my head to his direction; he was wearing a towel around his waist, walking to my room to put on some clothes. Half an hour later he walked out of my room fully-dressed. That was the time when he innocently scattered all my plan, my hope.

My love.

And that moment, he told me that he wanted to visit Kiko’s place. I was waiting for him to come home all night long only to find his blush, giggles, and stupid smile plastered on his face—telling me about his night with Kiko, that he fell from head to toe for her.

Why wouldn’t he just tell me that he wanted to visit Kiko instead of me? Telling me that he definitely missed Kiko and not me?

And here I was; mistakenly had built my hope too high, plans were nothing but a bunch of s. Everything was useless now. It was my fault for expecting too much.

That was the time I eventually realised,

I surrendered.