The morning comes too quickly for Park Jaebeom. These days have been some of the toughest in his life. He never thought he could miss someone so much, it hurts to think of them and what they may be doing. He pulls himself out of bed and into a hot shower. It's been nearly 6 months since he's seen them and it hurts more and more everyday. He thought wounds heal with time, but it all seems to be a lie. He can still feel the burning, aching, ripping pain as if it was only hours since he left them. He tries to wipe them from his mind completely, if just for this one moment, but he can't. He can't go one solitary moment, day or night, without wanting to see them, to embrace them, to be one of them again. The steam of the shower fogs up the mirror and he can't see his reflection once he gets out. He's silently thankful because whenever he looks in the mirror, he can see them and thats what hurts the most. He can see them but its all in his head. He quickly gets dressed, not wanting to spend another damn second beating himself up about a choice he himself made. It seemed like the best thing to do at the time, and as much as he wants to admit maybe he was wrong, he wont. He just pushes along, doing his best to ignore the sound of his ever breaking heart.
Once he drags himself downstairs, he puts on a pot of coffee and turns on the news. Nothing even remotely interesting. Even if there was he wouldn't be able to concentrate for long. He quickly turns it off after nearly being brought to tears by a news reporter who resebled one of them who he is constantly missing. He shakes off his almost-melt down and heads outside for some fresh air. The early winter morning air feels nice compaired to the stuffiness of his house. He takes a deep breath and watches the sun slowly melt the glissioning frost off the grass below his feet. He closes his eyes and tries to remember a time when he was happy. Honestly, truly, happy. He can and it hurts. He keeps his eyes closed as hot tears swell in his eyes. He keeps them closed for fear that they might fall. In this moment, as he sinks deeper into his own mind, he can see them. All of them, happy, singng, dancing, laughing, crying, living their dream. It's the most beautiful thing hes ever seen or felt and it hurts to think that he had it and he let it go. His memories deepen and he can hear their voices. He can sense them getting closer. He must really be insane. He forces himself to open his eyes and he can feel his tears freezing as they roll down his face. Since he came home, he hadn't let himself think of them so deeply. It caused him too much pain, and kept him up at night. It felt good to think back and remember all the good times. He takes another breath and closes his eyes again, wanting to make one last trip. He can see them all including himself on a brightly lit stage in front of screaming fans, them all singing along word for word, waving their signs proudly. He takes a second to count how many he can see that have his name and the ones that have Nichkhuns out of habit. For once their is one more that says 'Jay'. He makes a mental note of this so he can later. After the peformace, they bow and exit the stage but he can still hear music. Their song is still playing, but no one else seems to notice. He tries to tap Woo Young's shoulder but as soon as he touches him, his body melts into nothing. Soon, everything is mush, colors running into eachother turning his beautiful memory into an ugly mesh of nothing. The end of a memory. He can't create something that wasn't really there. Still, the music is continuing play in his head and it feels like its been forever since he's heard this song, the Korean lyrics sounding almost like some alien language he's never heard before. He opens his eyes again expecting the music to stop, but it doesn't. He glances around the area around his house, but see's no one. The faint sound of music lingers in the still, morning air, and he thinks he must have really gone crazy. He turns around to head back inside the house, but the sound only get stronger. He takes another step forward toward the door and he can hear it clearer now. One more step and he realizes the music is coming from inside his mail box. He scratches his head and opens the lid...
He reaches inside and feels a small cold object. It's a white cellphone with a few girly charms hanging from it, playing 'Only You.' A slight ache grips his chest as he tries to think of who could of put this here. He hadn't had a single encounter with a fan except for once at the mall, which turned into a screaming and crying fest and her begging him to go back to Korea. He couldn't handle that, and since then, he did his best to keep a low profile. Very low. He rarely left the house. It seemed like something a fan would do, but he didn't know why she would leave her phone. He turns off the song and proceeds to search through it for any information about the owner, but its completely empty. He holds the phone against his chest, as if it has some mysterious power to heal the brokeness he's been feeling for so long now. Just then, the phone begins to vibrate. He quickly flips it open and reads the text.
If you can feel my 'heart beat' then you 'might come back.' If not I'll keep trying 'again and again'. Just know, it's always been 'only you'.
The simple words aranged in a way he would normally think was flat out corny and stupid hit him really hard. Harder than he expected. He re-reads the text over and over again, memorizing it in seconds. More than ever he wants to know who the phone belongs too. He tries to text back, but his fingers are frozen solid. He decides to call, but all he gets is a voicemail. He thinks its strange how someone he doesn't even know and may never know has the power to turn him into a crying fool. He quickly wipes his tears as his own cellphone begins to ring. It's his mom. He almost forgot he promised to spend the day with her. She's worried about him. She's noticed his recent weight loss and anti-social behavior and wants to cheer him up. What she doesn't know is that what would really cheer him up is going to the last place on earth he would ever force himself to go.
The day goes by extreamly fast since his mom was keeping him busy. He feels like she really wants him to be happy, whatever he does, but theres always this undertone she has. Like she's trying to drop hints about him going back to Korea. She must know that's the only real way she'll see her son smile again. At 1:59 pm, the phone begins to ring, playing '10 out of 10.' His mom gives him a strange look and he just shrugs. No one is on the line when he picks up. Just after, he gets a text that reads:
What time is it now?
He takes a deep breath and looks at the time. 2pm. It nearly kills him. Being a stubborn and determined person that he is, it takes all he has not to call the number back and leave a really nasty message. It was sweet at first, but now it just feels like how they all had been. Begging him to come back when they have know idea how much pain it had caused him. Did they know anything? No, they just want what they want and they'll get it anyway they can. He wasn't going to be forced into anything. If he did return it would be on his clock without anyone pushing him.
He gets home late and and crashes on the couch, still clutching the phone like it's connected to his hand. He decides to try and text again.
Jay: Who is this?
A few minutes pass, and nothing back. His anger from earlier has turned back into it's normal never ending sadness, and once again he feels the emptiness overtaking him like a tidal wave.
He wakes up to the sudden vibration of the cell phone again. The text reads.
Unknown: Do you cry at night too?
It freaks him out that there are dry tears stained on his face and his eyes are damp. How does this person know he was crying? He sits up and turns on a light.
Jay: Sometimes. Can you please tell me who you are?
Unknown: 난 아무것도입니다. 당신없이 난 아무것도입니다.
It takes Jay a minute to figuare out what it says, having not read or spoken Korean since he came home, but once he does he feels the undeniable sting of guilt burn in his gut. 'I am nothing. I am nothing without you.'
Unknown: I don't want to make you sad, but I want you to know that. I feel like your giving up, so I will give up too.
Jay: What do you mean?
Unknown: If you don't sleep then I won't sleep. If you cry then I'll cry. You see, I know how you feel. You think people don't understand your pain but I know it well. I feel it too. We all do. All we can do is wait.
Jay turns off the phone and crawls up the stairs and into bed. It's all too much for him so late at night.
The sun tears through Jay's curtians with its burning bright rays, and shakes him out of sleep. His eyes are tired and his head is spinning. It feels like he had just fallen asleep moments ago, but now its already to time to get up.