“Can you stop yelling at me like I did something wrong!” Sehun yelled at Suho.  He’d just come home late and Suho was already yelling at him.  It wasn’t exactly abnormal; Sehun stayed late at his studio on a regular basis depending on what projects he had to work on. 

            “Where were you?” Suho’s teeth were gritted as he tried to contain his anger.

            “I was at the studio with Tao; I told you that.”

            “No you didn’t.  You didn’t tell me anything.  You didn’t return my text messages.  You didn’t even listen to your voice mail, did you?”

            “I don’t know what the big deal is,” the 25 year old threw his coat over the coat stand when something in the kitchen caught his attention.  The kitchen was dimmed, lighted by a few candles which were now down to the bottom of their wicks.  There was a cold dinner on the table, untouched.  Sehun’s eyes opened in realization as he turned to the 28 year old. 

            “Hyung…I’m sorry.  I forgot.”

            “Yeah I got that part,” Suho walked closer. Sehun backed up, afraid that Suho would hit him, “Happy Anniversary, Sehun.” Suho put a small box on the table and walked away. 

            “Hyung,” Sehun said weakly.  He wanted to chase after Suho, but he was too disappointed in himself to do anything.  

            “It’s okay, Sehun,” Suho closed the door to their bedroom. 

            Sehun dropped onto the couch.  It was their five year anniversary. It was a milestone.  He even had the date circled on the calendar; he didn’t know how it could’ve slipped his mind.  

He fell back onto the couch and grabbed his hair in frustration.  His eyes stopped on the box that Suho left on the table.  How long had Suho planned this day?  When did he buy the gift?  How disappointed was his boyfriend in him right now? 

Sehun reached out to grab it and slowly opened the box. 

            He took out the golden watch.  It was the exact one he pointed out to Suho about three months ago while they were shopping.  Sehun sighed as he looked at the watch.  The time was stopped at 12:00. 

            Sehun debated on whether he should sleep on the couch that night.  Were he and Suho in a fight?  Would Suho push him away if he tried to get into bed with him?  Sehun hesitantly opened the door to their bedroom.  Suho was already sleeping on his side of the bed, his back to the door. 

            Sehun snuck in and wrapped his arms around Suho.  He pulled the older towards him and felt a great sense of relief when Suho snuggled closer to him.

            It was at times like these that Sehun could feel comforted that even if they had their ups and downs, that everything would work out in the end.  With this in mind, Sehun fell asleep easily.    

“Hyung,” Sehun whined.  He was currently on the counter with his legs wrapped around Suho’s body trapping him between his legs. Suho had his arms wrapped snugly around Sehun’s waist as Sehun pushed their foreheads together. “You’re not mad at me, are you?” 

            Suho sighed, “Of course I’m not.  I love you.”

            Sehun frowned.  That wasn’t really an explanation.  Suho was frustrating sometimes.  They’d been dating for five years and best friends for eighteen years but Suho was still a mystery to Sehun.  At times it was like Sehun was only getting half of Suho.  The older hardly got angry; he never yelled or told him when he was frustrated.  Whenever they argued, Sehun could tell the older held his anger in.  It was like Suho was a ball of pent up emotions.  All Sehun wanted was Suho to show some emotion.  Any emotion.  If Suho was disappointed or angry it would be better so Sehun didn’t have to live with all the suspense.    

            “I’m sorry I forgot.  I…I don’t even have anything….” Sehun trailed off.  It was no excuse.  He was a struggling artist.  He was living off of Suho’s money. The older was supporting the both of them but Sehun still made enough money to buy things if he saved up. 

            Suho sighed and then nodded, “It’s okay, Sehun.  I understand.”  Suho’s voice was sad but he still smiled at Sehun. 

            Suho probably didn’t want to worry Sehun but it didn’t help because one look into the older’s eyes and Sehun felt like he’d been stabbed in the heart.  How could he let him down? 

Sehun knew he’d messed up when Suho stopped looking at him with a light in his eyes.  His smile wasn’t as bright as it used to be.  Suho’s face was always tired and weary.

            Sehun hooked his leg around Suho’s body and pressed closer to the older.  Suho was cold. 

            “I love you,” Sehun made Suho look at him. 

            “I know,” Suho moved forward and placed a light kiss on the younger’s lips before his head fell back onto the pillows. 

            Sehun could feel his heart clench.  Usually each feather like kiss made Sehun feel so light he could fly. 

But this time it had the exact opposite effect.  He felt like he’d been flying and suddenly he was landing on the cold hard ground. 

            Suho hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back. 

            Sehun tried to do everything he could to get Suho to show some emotion.  He wanted Suho to get angry or at least explain why he was treating him differently.  Honestly, Sehun was looking for anything.  Just not the emotionless boyfriend Suho had become. 

So he started coming back later, stumbling in during the early hours of the day.  He wanted Suho to yell at him like he did before.  Or welcome him back with open arms.  Suho used to wait up for him, but now he always went to bed without him. 

Sometimes Sehun tried to do the exact opposite and shower Suho with attention and affection, taking days off at a time to spend the day with his hyung.  Suho appreciated it but he was still the shell of the man that Sehun knew. 

            “Are you still mad that I forgot?” Sehun asked one day.  They were looking at the sunset on the roof of the apartment.

            “I’m…not,” Suho said simply.  He grabbed Sehun’s hand reassuringly. 

            “Then what’s happening with us?” Sehun asked.  It was a whisper; Sehun wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. 

            “There’s nothing wrong,” Suho looked at Sehun. 

            Sehun looked out at the sunset and scoffed.  Again Suho wasn’t being honest.  Something was wrong. 

            “Then why are you acting so cold towards me?  If you want to break up with me then just do it!” Sehun didn’t want them to break up.  There was no doubt in his mind that Suho didn’t love him.  He just needed the reassurance from Suho that he still loved Sehun like he did before. 

Sehun looked up at Suho and there it was.  The affection he wanted and craved for. 

            “I think…maybe we should Sehun.”  And then Suho was looking down at the ground. 

            “Stop lying.  You don’t mean that.”

            “We’ve changed, Sehun.  You’ve changed.”

            “I’ve changed?” Sehun got up.  He was outraged.  Suho was the one who changed.  He wasn’t the Suho he fell in love with.  He was like a walking zombie!  Sehun was trying; he was trying so hard to redeem himself.  So he came home late at night.  So he forgot their anniversary.  Maybe he did sleep with Tao once, a long time ago.  But he regretted it and has been living with that guilt ever since!  Suho was the one he wanted to be with and he realized that immediately after. 

            “I love you!” Sehun screamed.  Wasn’t love supposed to be simple?  Couldn’t those three words keep two people together?  Sehun had made mistakes but he loved Suho.  In the end it was Suho, so couldn’t the complications and troubles stop? 

            “I know you do,” Suho looked pained.  Sehun could see his old Suho seep back into this one.  All of the emotions that Suho had tried to hide were clear in his eyes. 

            “I disappointed you.  I know.  Just…just give me another chance?”

            “I gave you chances,” Suho looked down at the ground and kicked at a pebble, “It’s not about you coming home late all the time.  It’s not even about you missing our anniversary,” Suho looked up and he didn’t look angry he only looked sad, “I know you slept with Tao; I knew about it a long time ago.  But you never even told me.  I gave you six months but you never said anything.  You were just planning on keeping it a secret from me, right?”

            “Hyung.  It didn’t mean anything; I swear to you,” Sehun got up to grab at Suho’s sleeve. 

            “But it did happen, Sehun!” Suho yelled at Sehun; he was furious, “Lay told me he saw you guys!  What am I supposed to think?”

            “But..” Sehun was grasping onto straws, “I forgave you for Lay.”

            “I told you we kissed immediately after it happened.  And it was only a kiss.  It’s completely different and you know it!” Suho shook his head, “I can’t do this anymore, Sehun.  It’s tiring.  Love shouldn’t be tiring.  It shouldn’t be hard.  It should be simple and easy!”

            “Well relationships are hard and you have to fight sometimes to get stronger.  If you don’t fight then you’re giving up.”

            Suho shook his head, “I gave up a long time ago, Sehun.  I’m sorry.”

            Suho was walking towards the door.

            “Then you’re giving up on us?” Sehun yelled at Suho and then in a softer voice, “You’re my best friend, hyung.”

            It was two hours later when Sehun went back to their apartment.  The room was dark except for their bedroom light. 

            When Sehun entered the bedroom he saw Suho packing his things.  Some of his favorite shirts were thrown on the bed and he was looking through their closet, throwing some socks into his suitcase. 

            Suho heard Sehun enter and without turning around said, “Don’t fight me on this.  It’s something we have to do.” 

            “I don’t want to break up.”

            Suho sighed.  He let out a long breath and Sehun could see his shoulders shake as if he were crying.  But when he neared, Suho straightened up. 

            Sehun took the hanger from his hand and turned Suho around, “It’s you. It’s always been you.”

            Sehun brought Suho’s face to his in a desperate kiss.  At first Suho didn’t respond but Sehun pressed closer until Suho did.  Sehun was kissing like his life depended on it; he wanted to make Suho stay.   

            “I know,” Suho said once they broke apart.

            “Please don’t leave,” There were tears in Sehun’s eyes as he put his hands on his hyung’s cheeks.

            Suho looked at him and brought their lips together once again.  Their kisses turned from desperate and passionate to soft and sweet.  It didn’t take long before they were landing on their bed.  It was one of the greatest nights of Sehun’s life.  Having that kind of passion for someone makes love feel that much better. 

           Sehun frowned when he felt Suho’s warmth pull away from him and he shot out his arm and grabbed a wrist.

            “Where are you going?” Sehun whined with his eyes shut. 

            He felt soft lips brush his forehead, “Be happy, Sehun.”

            “I’ll be happy if you get back into this bed,” Sehun slowly opened his eyes and then stood up in bed when he realized that Suho was already dressed in his thick winter coat with a suitcase in one of his hands. 

            “Wait,” Sehun was panicked, “You’re leaving?” 

            Suho gave a sad smile, “I have to.”

            “No…wait.  Don’t go.  Please don’t go,” Sehun got out of bed but Suho pushed him back down. 

            “I’m staying at Lay’s for a while.”

            “Lay?  Is he the reason you want to break up?” Sehun’s voice was shaking and the hand that was latched onto Suho was shaking. 

            “You know it isn’t,” Suho frowned at him.  There was a hand on his cheek, “Bye, Sehun.” 

            Sehun woke up thinking that it was all a dream, but when he looked around, all he saw was one of Suho’s favorite oversized shirts on the bed where Suho should’ve been.  Sehun held it tightly in his hands as he inhaled his favorite scent.  His breathing came in pants as he tried to stop the harsh tears that came in gasps. 

            Every reminder that Suho had lived there was completely gone. 

            Sehun spent the next three weeks at Tao’s place crying his eyes out.  He hadn’t reported for work; his paintings were left unfinished in his studio.  The food in his kitchen had gone bad.  His clothes were dirty and a beard was permanently settled on his face. 

            “You should’ve told him,” Tao said as he wrapped an arm around his friend. 

            “But it meant nothing!”

            Tao winced at the words but he tried to push away his own hurt.  Of course Sehun didn’t know how he really felt; he could only think of one person.  And Tao felt even guiltier because he’d known from the beginning that Sehun’s heart would never belong to him. 

            But it was frustrating. 

            How could Suho just leave?  How could he leave a five year relationship and an 18 year friendship?  How could he just sleep with Sehun and give the man hope but shatter it the next morning?  Suho didn’t have a heart. 

            If it was Tao, he would make sure that Sehun would smile and laugh every day and never have a reason to be sad.  Tao would treat Sehun the way he should be treated which wasn’t this. 

            “Just hold me,” Sehun grabbed onto Tao. 

            Sehun was a fragile young man.  He wasn’t able to support himself.  He was the type of person who depended on someone.  He always had to have someone there to lean on; the younger would probably be hopeless if he was by himself.    

            Maybe Suho had Sehun’s heart but he didn’t really know the younger at all. 

            Suho immediately raced out of Lay’s guest bedroom when he heard his friend shouting.

            “Get out of here, Tao!”

            “Don’t make me hurt you, ge; I’m looking for Suho.”

            “You need to leave.  He’s not here!”

            Suho stepped into the living room and saw Lay try to slam the door but Tao was fighting against it. 

            “Wait.  Lay.  It’s okay.” 

            Suho put a hand on Lay’s shoulder and the younger relented. 

            Tao grabbed Suho’s collar and pulled him out into the hallway.

            “Hey!” Lay yelled but Suho held out a hand, “I got this, Lay.”

            “I want to talk to you,” Tao said through clenched teeth.

            Suho rolled his eyes, “If you let me go, I promise we can talk all you want.” 

            Tao let go and Suho gave Lay a look.  Lay hesitated a moment before going back into his room and closing the door silently. 

            “Sehun’s a wreck because of you!  How can you treat him like that?  Treat him like he’s nothing!  You don’t even treat a stranger like that!  The guy loves you! Yeah we slept together but it was my fault.  He was miserable after he realized what happened.  You’re a bastard you know that!  I’m happy you broke up with him!  He doesn’t deserve someone like you!  I might not know you but I can tell you only care about yourself.  That boy would die for you and here you are at your old lover’s apartment.  What kind of sick bastard are you?” Tao was yelling at Suho.  His face was red and his eyes were bulging.  It was taking all his strength to restrain from punching Suho in the face.    

            “You love him don’t you?” It wasn’t really a question but more of a statement.

            “It doesn’t matter because he can only think about you,” Tao growled. 

            “You can take care of him for me,” Suho smiled bitterly at Tao.

            “Are you crazy?” Tao pushed Suho against the wall, “Did you not get anything I just said? You’re the only one who can fix this!  Look,” Tao looked down at the ground as he tried to recollect his thoughts, “I do love him.  I want to be with him but he’ll never be happy if he was with me.  What we did was a mistake.  Please forgive him.”

            Suho looked at Tao sadly, “I already did.”  And like that Suho was walking away, back to Lay’s apartment. 

          Tao was in shock.  If Suho forgave Sehun then why was he putting the both of them through so much torture?  Suho did care; Tao could see that much.  They both had that same empty look in their eyes.  They both were equally miserable. 

            Tao ran back to Lay’s apartment and opened the door just as Lay was closing it. Suho was walking back to the guest bedroom. 

            Tao tried to run after him but Lay was pushing him back so Tao yelled.   

            “Then tell him!  Tell him so you can go back to being a couple again!  You’re supposed to be his best friend! Stop putting him through this! He thinks he did something wrong.  You’re making him feel guilty for something that you don’t even care happened.” 

            Lay looked from Tao to Suho.  He opened his mouth but then closed it and let go of Tao.

            “Tao, please leave.”

            Tao could see Suho’s shoulders stiffen and then he heard a sniffle.  Suho was crying. 

            “Why is he doing this?  Why?” Tao asked softly. 

            “He’s dying, Tao,” Lay’s eyes were sad. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's some angsty seho for you!   

Who has some guesses on what will happen next?