Tonight was exactly like that cold winter night when I let her go. I remember it like it was just yesterday. The memory repeats itself in an infinite loop. I can remember it clearly. I was suffocating. My breath was heavy and I tried keeping myself from not breaking down in tears and asking her to come back to me. My knees were weak, but I tried staying strong because I didn’t want her see this weak side of me. My chest was heavy, because I’m letting go of someone special to me. If it was for her happiness, then I’d do anything for her. We crossed the line, but I know she still loved him. Who would want to date their best friend right? She thought of me as a sister, a guardian, a precious best friend who is always by her side and keeping her safe. To me she’s an angel that descended from the heavens, a girl who was near perfect to my own eyes. She had her flaws, but those flaws are what make her who she is. A beautiful butterfly waiting to be freed from this cold, harsh reality called “terrible romance”.

I hated her so much. In this country, falling in love with the same gender is frowned upon. I’ve been told by my parents, teachers, and coaches that I can’t fall in love with the same . I knew that it was wrong, but I believe that it doesn’t matter who you fall in love with because love is what matters. I did not take interest in girls. Some I find attractive, however I don’t plan on taking it to the next level.

It wasn’t until I met her though. He dark tanned skin and blonde long hair stood out. A couple days after coming into the company her tanned skin became lighter. The company decided to put her in my dorm and we ended up becoming roommates. It was difficult for us to communicate because of the language barrier. I tried my best speaking in English and she tried her best speak in Korean. Those days in that dorm room was where we grew to be attached to each other. We were inseparable.

As the years pass by, we have been accustomed to each other along with the other trainees. We were basically like sisters, but her and I we had this relationship that cannot be labeled. And without knowing, like a lightning bolt cast upon me, I fell in love with a girl I didn’t plan to fall in love with. Our interactions became more intimate, I thought she felt the same way, but I didn’t want to break the friendship by confessing because we were going to debut as a group anyway. I just kept on telling myself:

“Taeyeon-ah, she’s American and the culture there is different so she’s more open and friendly! That’s why! Also this is just a phase! You’re going through adolescence; you’ll grow out of it!”

Those words were the only things keeping me in check.

We debuted together, we cried together, and the love that I did not expect kept on growing and growing and growing until I realized it wasn’t just a phase, I have fallen it love for sure. She is my first love. She is my ONLY love. There can’t be anyone better and there can’t be anyone like her. She was an angel, an angel I wished I had in my arms.

2010 was a year I can’t forget of course. Our friendship grew even more and I was even more scared of losing her to someone who can’t love her more than I do. I just cared to much for her back then so I became cold to her.

She ended up dating a guy for a couple months and eventually, like all relationships, it came to an end. The agreed on being friends of course, but the look on her face, her actions, she was broken. Her heart was shattered to pieces. She spent the day smiling and laughing, but at night she locks herself in her room and cried herself to sleep. She never talked to me about it and it makes me sad. It makes me feel frustrated.

I bundled up the courage and finally knocked on her room. “Come in.” She said with her voice slightly cracked. The lights were off, but the moon’s lights illuminated her beautiful face that was covered in black eyeliner.

“Fany-ah, come on talk to me” I sat on her bed caressing her cheeks and she sniffed.

Silence.

I hated seeing her like this; I hated the fact that he broke her heart into pieces. I embraced her into a tight hug on that chilly fall night and whispered softly to her ears. “I won’t let anyone hurt you like that again. Please, I know that you hate to always depend yourself on me, but just please, I’m begging you, I hate seeing you crying all night over some jerk. I hate seeing you have to force a smile before that jerk just left you hanging like that. I hate seeing the girl who mustered up the courage to leave everything behind cry over some .  So just please, lean on my shoulder and ask me to protect you. I don’t want anyone to hurt you because you’re the only one I have, and I love you. I love you more than you love me, I love you and I don’t want to see the one I love getting hurt.”

I confessed to her.

Months flew by and our relationship was going smoothly. We didn’t date though, but she did tell me she felt the same way. We were closer and our relationship was even more confusing than before and eventually, because of that, we dated. We would get intimate, we would kiss, and sometimes they turn into make out sessions or even more. But of course, she still loved him and I don’t know why she still loved him. He broke her heart and stepped on it numerous times so why does she still love him?

Because she was a fool in love.

I went to talk to him about her and he told me that he regretted the day they broke off the relationship. Even though it was mutual, he still regretted it. He was still in love with her and she was still in love with him.

And for me, all I want to do is make her happy.

It was just like a night like this when the cold winter air blew on my bare face. We just finished wrapping up our goodbye stage party with the staff and members. Some other idols showed up too, but it was only our close ones. He was also there. I invited him.

I took her outside with me and told her that I need to talk to her. I told her everything about him. How he regretted breaking up with her, how he wished he could be by her side, how he wished he can be holding her and tell her she is the most beautiful girl in the world. How he wanted her back no matter how much it takes.

It aches my heart ever time this memory plays on my head.

I took a deep breath and smiled softly at her. It pains me to let her go because she meant everything to me; I’m not the one making her fully happy because he was the one to make her happy.

“If your heart break into pieces again, I promise I’ll be the one to pick them up piece by piece. I promise that I’ll be here for you to lean your shoulder on.  I promise to pick you back up on your feet because I’ll always be here to watch over you.”

I left her after a short hug and looking back he showed up by her side as they shared a lover’s embrace. I let her go. I told her I was going to pick her one if she falls, but who is going to pick me up when I fall?

A couple months passed by and I don’t know what happened to her and him. We lost contact. We all went our separate ways due to our contract. No we weren’t separated officially, but it was more like a long hiatus until we decided on a new contract. Rumors were going around saying they got married or they have a baby.

Rumors are rumors so why am I hurt by them?

Every single year now, I stood on the same very spot where I let her go. I reminisced the past to remind myself that no matter who comes to my life, no one can be as better as her. She was all I asked for and I let her go. If it was for her happiness, I would do anything. Anything.

Hopefully, someone would do the same to me in the future, because I just can’t keep waiting.

Because I too am a fool in love.