Hello Jongin.

 I’m probably dead by the time you read this letter. I’m sorry if it's been a shock to you, but i just wanted you to be happy.

 Do you remember how we became friends? We were roommates at college and you heard me whimpering in our bathroom. You found out that I draw. Drawings scattered all over my arms and thigh, drawings carved into my skin with a blade.

(  Jongin entered the room, feeling nervous to meet his college roommate. He looked around the room in confusion as there was no one around.

 Jongin had only settled his bag down on his bed when he heard a cry, a few small whimpers following after that.

 Confused and curious, Jongin went to where the cries were coming from. "Hello?" Jongin called out as he pushed the bathroom door open, only to be greeted by the sight of a guy with cuts all over his left forearm, a blade gripped tightly in his right hand.

 "Holy ," Jongin cursed and he rushed over to the boy and placed a hand gently on his chest to see whether he was still alive.

 Kyungsoo released his grip on the blade and tried to swat Jongin's hand away, failing to do so in the weak state he was. )

 That beautiful blade that helped me feel numb used to be my only best friend, until you came along.

 You were confused at first, weren't you? How my demeanour changes when it's morning and how it changes when it's night.

 How I pretend to not remember what happened every other night. I bet you didn't remember the night when you were drunk and kissed me.

 I was so stupid, I thought that I finally had a chance to catch your heart, when you only kissed me because you mistook me as Soojung. I found out from Eunji the next day that you had seen Soojung with another man.

 It was then that I knew there was no way I could get you to love me the way you love Soojung. But I convinced myself that at least being by your side, being a friend of yours, would make my heart ache less. I guess I was wrong.

 ( Kyungsoo smiled sadly as he stared at all the scars on his hands, tracing them lightly with his thumb, when the door flung open.

 Kyungsoo, who was surprised, quickly pulled down his sleeves. Jongin stumbled into the room, and by the way he was staggering, Kyungsoo knew that Jongin was drunk.

 What he didn't expect was for Jongin to kiss him. )

 Do you remember when I told you I thought I liked Kris? I thought that forcing myself to move on and like someone else would make everything easier. I didn't have to experience heartache again, and I could remain as a friend of yours.

 But no.

 The way you reacted, the way you freaked out - all those actions broke my heart. It hurts, Jongin. It ing hurts.

 I know being homoual is a sin, but I thought that if you were really my friend, you would accept me for who I am.

 You didn't talk to me for days, Jongin. So I thought that maybe you were against homouals, or maybe you thought that being near me would turn you gay, or maybe you were just disgusted.

 It’s okay.

( “Jongin, can I tell you something?” Kyungsoo asked his roommate, his voice barely above a whipering tone.

Jongin shrugged. “Sure. What’s bothering you, mate?”

“I-I think I like Kris. You know, our college basketball star player?” Kyungsoo confessed, all the while playing with the hem of his sweater.

Jongin turned to face Kyungsoo in shock, but Kyungsoo only looked down at the floor. Is this shame that he’s feeling right now? Kyungsoo didn’t know. He felt numb.

Jongin mumbled a few stuff like ‘eating with my friends’ and ‘I need to meet someone’ before he left the room. Tears escaped Kyungsoo’s eyes and he let out a small whimper.

That look. That look of disgust that Jongin sent to him. It felt painful and unbearable, having the love of his life stare at him like that. )

 Remember when you saw me smoking? You were wide-eyed, shocked, and you asked me "why do you smoke?"

 I answered: to die.

 I’ve always felt like this Jongin, ever since I found out I was homoual. It wasn't bad at first, I thought that it was okay for a man to love another man in a romantic way because we can love whoever we want - that was before I knew what society was like and how cruel society is.

 I used to have friends in middle school and I used to be an easy-going person who trusts people too easily. I trusted them with a secret – I liked men.

 They reacted the same way as you did Jongin, harshly. But they were worse. They spread the 'news' around, told everyone that I was "gay." I was bullied so badly in middle school and I have always held in my feelings.

 However, I knew that it was my fault because I was the one who trusted people too easily. I was filled with so much self-hatred that one day it got to me.

I started drawing on my arms and thighs. I think my drawings are beautiful. You agree, don't you Jongin? The drawings scattered on myself represented what I was like, after all.

I started smoking as soon as I became legal. I wanted to die quicker, Jongin.

 But I never thought I would die for you.

 When you stopped talking to me for weeks, I decided to take matters into my own hand. I finally realised that you were one of them.

 You’re just like the rest of the society. You can't accept homouality.

 So I moved out of our shared apartment without you knowing. Or maybe you knew, but you wanted me to be out of there. That must be it, right? You saw me packing up my things, but you never asked me why I was doing so because you wanted me to be out of there.

 Chanyeol offered me a place to live in - at his house. Park Chanyeol, one of the rich kids in our college. He saw me at the park, dozing off on the bench and he took care of me.

 Chanyeol became somewhat like my brother, and his elder sister Yura, became like a sister I never had. But then Chanyeol had to go to Canada to settle some family business, and I started falling apart again.

 Of course you didn't know, right Jongin? I bet you didn't think much about me when I left. You must have been too busy courting Soojung, because I see you stopping by her locker every day, just to have a small chat with her.

 I thought I would be fine without you, I thought maybe I could survive. I was confused - I wanted to die because I knew I was worthless, but I kept on living and I think it was because of you, Jongin. You gave me a reason to keep on living.

 So why did you leave me then?

 Why did you leave me to fight an internal battle by myself, Jongin?

 You know why Yura called you up when I was drawing in my bedroom? I heard Chanyeol talking to Yura a few nights before he left for Canada.

 "Yura noona, if anything happens to Kyungsoo, call Jongin. Trust him to take care of Kyungsoo."

 Why did Chanyeol trust you, Jongin, when all you've done was make me fall for you, make me want to keep on living one moment and make me want to kill myself the next?

 I wanted to hate you for saving me when I was so near to dying that day. I could smell death, I could feel it in my blood but you just had to come and save me - after two months of not acknowledging my existence.

 We slowly became friends again, but I never trusted you again. I have reached my limit, and i shut everyone out.

 Then that day came - you told me that Soojung confessed that she actually liked you too. I wanted to say that I was happy for you, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. It hurts, Jongin.

 It ing hurts.

 Soojung is a nice girl, she's been nothing but kind to me, and I appreciated it. It was one of her friends that irked me.

 It was one of the people that used to taunt and bully me in middle school. That was the reason I always refused to hang out with you whenever you were with them. But you didn't understand, because you didn't know. You called me a prick because you thought that I hated Soojung.

 Want to know something, Jongin?

 Chanyeol never came back.

 He died in a car accident in Canada, when he was on the way to the airport. But you never knew, did you Jongin?

 I shut out the whole world for days and you never asked me why.

 It wasn't my fault that Chanyeol died, right? Is it my fault?

 Yura was devastated but she was strong enough to keep on living. I don't know how she does that, so I asked her.

 She told me, “Dying is a part of the circle of life. Everyone will die one day, it just depends on when. And when your loved ones die, you have to keep moving on."

 I had a dream a few nights ago, Jongin. A very triggering dream.

 Where you were one of the people who taunted me for my uality. The things you told me was so horrible that I felt frightened when I woke up.

 Panic attacks, heavy breathing, bullies - why am I still alive? I question myself that every day.

 Then I realised that you were the reason I was alive. But since you won't return my feelings, and since you were only friends with me because of pity, I thought, ’I have no reason to keep on living.'

 Because like Yura said, if a person dies, the world will still go on as if nothing happened.

 So if I die, you have to go on. Or maybe you wouldn't even care about my death, Jongin?

 Maybe you feel glad right now. 'Now I don't need to take care of that burden anymore'

 I know that you knew I was homoual, but did you know that it was you who I truly like? I’m a ed up person, aren't I?

 You must be laughing at my sorry right now.

 Take good care of Soojung, Jongin. She’s a good person. Don’t hurt her feelings the way you hurt mine, okay?

 Treat her the best you can, don't let go of the person who gives you a reason to keep on living.

 I’m going to draw after I finish writing this, Jongin. I know that this is a long letter, but I’ve always been better with a pen than with words.

 I’m going to draw after this. I’m going to draw your name on my arm, Jongin! I’m sure it will be pretty.

 Then I’m going to swallow sleeping pills. A lot of them. I like sleeping. You know that right, Jongin?

 I’m going to sleep for a longer time this time, though. You can call it forever if you want to.

 You deserve happiness, Jongin, not me. You deserved happiness, so I left.

 Love,

 Kyungsoo.

 ---

 Soojung choked back a sob. It had been seven years since Kyungsoo had died, and her husband only showed her this now.

 "Why didn't you tell me earlier, Jongin?" She cried out in Jongin's embrace.

 "You knew that Kyungsoo was the one I loved."

---

a/n: basically 1.9k+ of word vomit and i apologise if it was too angsty but yeah it's life so yolo? how was he plot twist though? Did you guys see it coming? c;

the last line is said by soojung (!)

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love, crysjun xx