Review for: princessamy    ღ   Reviewed By: Vicky97

Story Link: Longing for a Pulse

Book Review 9, reviewed whole story

Title:

I love this title. It is somewhat refreshing and definitely fitting for a pretty and angst-genre story. The title of your story was the main selling point for you and I think that is going to rake in the readership for you. Please capitalise every letter of each word in your title.
 

Presentation:

Can I tell you how much I absolutely love your poster? Seriously, this is a poster MOST APT for a story I’ve ever seen on AFF. It really did help to accentuate your storyline. The foreword and description were also very nicely presented, although if this were to be a graded review, I would deduct a point for the incoherent sentences. However, the whole feel of it is really, not too bad! The quotes and sentences were important markers for your story as well.

Description and Foreword:

We hope for beauty and happiness in life but all that comes through is longing.

She has stood before in her life, which seems to crumble down easily after what she has been looking for all her life; … all the things that have deeply pressed on her soul has been but hints of it – reminiscing hopes, wishes never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught her ears.

Honestly, I do not understand what you are trying to say in this paragraph. Try reading your version, and analyze the parts I have highlighted for you.  Here are some points you should take note of in your paragraph.

-What did she stand for in her life?

-What crumbled down? Her life or what she stood for? If it was what she stood for, the sentence should be in past tense. If it was her life, then, the tense is correct.

-What did she look for?

-The ellipsis ‘…’ is very awkward. To avoid confusion, you should remove it.

-What is the ‘it’ here? Is it some part of her life, or something more specific?

I can tell you tried to sound very mysterious in your foreword, which is a good thing: D, but really, it sounds extremely confusing. I have augmented the paragraph for you here.

 She has stood [for something] before in her life, which seems seemed to crumble down easily after what she [realized what she] has been[had actually been] looking for all her life[all this while] ; … all the [The]things that have deeply pressed on her soul has been but hints of it – reminiscing hopes, wishes never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught her ears, have been nothing, but only hints of (what she had been looking for/it).

This should be the correct order of your sentences. Although, since I’m not too sure what she stood for, I can’t fit that in anywhere, so I chose to use ‘for something’. For the last sentence, I’ve heavily restructured it, and hopefully, to your readers, it will make a lot of sense now. The word ‘only’ is crucial here. Depending on what you are trying to say, you can choose to use ‘what she had been looking for’, or ‘it’.

She cannot tell anyone about it. It is the secret signature of her presence, the[her] solemn and unpleasant desire… [in] which she still has a dream [yet] to be fulfilled… her life seems[seemed] to be made for her and her only, because she was made for it – made for it keen by keen as a heart is made for a person. 

Once again, I would highly recommend that the entire foreword be written in past tense. This will definitely make your sentences flow much better. Don’t try to put in excessive descriptions, like the ones I’ve cancelled out for you, because they disrupt the climatic buildup of the story; Something like a staccato in a piece of legato music. Unless, metaphorically speaking, you were imitating the up and down of a heartbeat in your writing. This if true, is very interesting.

Nonetheless, I thought that you put in much thought in writing the description and foreword. Kudos to you!

I personally thought that this line ‘Every heart needs a pulse to beat and every person needs a reason to live.’ was simply genius.

Language:

I have edited some part of the first chapter. You have some minor grammar mistakes here and there in the story. However, don’t worry, because they do not change the meaning of the sentences at all.

She only smiled sometimes when there was something tackled out her inner side like when she found enormous, captivating-shaped clouds in her sight. After done staring at the blue sky as if that was her routine every evening, she closed her window.

I pondered when would she come out from her own world and talked to me again like the old times, [as] her adoptive brother.

She was a very cheerful and active girl. But[And], that[those] were her charms to other people around her including me. She was not a graceful daughter like other girls around her age. She would run with other boys when her [other] girl friends were playing with dolls.

Well, actually, I was the one who should be blame[d] because of her changes.

There were other grammatical errors in the other parts of your story, but because I don’t have time to re-type them, I hope you can re-edit them on your own. If you still need help, do approach me.
 

Characters:

Kai:

I thought that Kai was a really expected character. He portrayed all of the qualities I expected him to-a protective brother, a silent lover, and well, you name it. I expected something rather out of the blue as I read your story halfway, but well, there were no obvious or big twists, which was quite disappointing. Kai had a really mundane personality. There was nothing much attractive about Kai. I expected everything that was going to happen next.

However, I did like the subtlety of the brewing romance at some parts. There’s definitely some potential that you have!

Ha Neul:

Ha Neul, to me, was a very vague character. She was always like a hazy image to me. I know this is an angst story and endings aren’t exactly supposed to be happy, but I silently prayed for one to be sweet and settling. I think you tried your best with the diary entries, so as to not bore your readers with just mere description. To some extent, they did work. I also know you put in a lot of effort to do them. However, after a while, I only vaguely skimmed through them. Not all of the entries left an impact on me, which could be both a good and bad thing. A good thing in a way that I’ll give you points for creativity, but bad in a way that it shortened the time readers had to reflect on your story. Reflection is really important for angst-genre stories. It also didn’t really help that the ending, to me, was rather rushed. It would have been better if you could link your last few paragraphs with your title. A stronger impact would have been delivered, and I’m very sure that your readers would be left feeling really satisfied.  

Sehun

If Sehun were to be character to spite Kai, he really needed to do things that were more drastic. It was sad to read that he, like Kai, did not stand out much to me.

Extra Bromance

I felt that the extra bromance going on with Exo was just like a passing one shot.  Of course, since this was a story that concerned exo, it would be natural to include them inside. However, I felt that they too, didn't leave a lasting impact on me. I felt like you were trying to squeeze them in wherever you could, except for the parts near the ending, where Baekhyun really stood out. :D
 

Flow:

Some points in improving your writing flow have been mentioned under ‘Ha Neul’s’ part. I could tell that you were rushing to write some parts of the story, which is completely understandable that we are all very busy people. I would of course, appreciate it if you took it slow. :D

Plot:

I thought that the plot was really simple. Maybe the story could have been better if you had chosen to write in third person. Why I say this is because even as you wrote in Kai’s POV, I could not relate to him as well as I had expected. Angst stories are very hard to write and the key to writing them is the push and pull of the writing. A simple plot can be brought across elaborately with a deliberate timing in which you choose to release the ‘oh-my-god-my-heart-is-going-to-cry’ moments.

Overall Enjoyment:

I’m not a fan of angst stories, but I always enjoy a good one. I would recommend beginners who want to read angst to read your story. It was a really nice attempt at writing one. You definitely have the potential, and I think you just need more time to hone your skills and always plan the story in advance!

Book recommendations:

Have you read 10080? I you haven't, you HAVE to read  it !

Instead of recommending fics, I would strongly encourage you to watch this Miracle in Cell No. 7, it will SERIOUSLY INSPIRE YOU.

If maybe you thought you still like writing fics, but not angst anymore, I highly recommend you to read these:

Believe Me, I'm Lying

A proscriptive relationship , which also has a sequel.

I hope these will keep you busy for now. Jordan is an amazing writer, and I always recommend her stories to increase the flow between chapters.

A/N:

The distinction between you and other angst writers is that you have a very soft touch to your writing. If you could hone that special talent of yours, I'm sure you'll bloom to be a great writer. Take your time! All the best <3

I hope you are satisfied with the review. If there’s anything that you would like to clarify, or would need me to further explain, please do contact me. All the best! <3

Please don't forget to credit back to this shop with my username will do. :D With a link please :) Comment after reading and an upvote will be nice :)

-Vicky <3