The lights surrounding don’t seem to quite reach you.

You feel very little of the warmth radiating from all the people and commotion around the busy streets.

Once again, you check your phone, refreshing the text conversation with your boyfriend once more to see if there are any new updates. The little icon moves in a circle, spinning over and over, teasing you, as if there’s new information to retrieve and—

—there’s nothing.

 

You scroll upwards, reading through the conversation again and again, trying to pinpoint exactly what had gone wrong. Shrinking in on yourself, you bite your lip in frustration, outwardly showing a passive stance, but inside a fiery heat builds in your chest as the time shows 6:30pm, an hour an a half after the original meeting time.

You deflate.

He’s not coming.

Deciding to give it a try, you tap the screen on your phone to pull up the keyboard. It takes a few tries, but you finally come up with an acceptable message that you’re happy with— not too demanding, but not showing how much he hurt you by not showing up to your one year anniversary date. Before you can overthink it and start again, you tap send, and tuck the phone back in your pocket. Closing your eyes, you feel the snow kissing your cheeks, the only part of you not wrapped up in clothing or swathed in a scarf.

His scarf, Kyungsoo’s.

It’s red and a little faded, but only because it’s been so well-loved. He gave it to you as a friendship token over a year ago, when you two had decided to settle your differences by being civil to each other.

It had started that way, as a tentative friendship after a long rivalry (mostly due to your rival schools), and eventually evolved into something much more meaningful.

Well, to you at least.

You don’t know about Kyungsoo’s feelings now.

The phone vibrates in your pocket and you pull it out, surprised at the relatively fast response. There’s mixed feelings, disbelief, anxiety, a little bit of anger— why couldn’t he answer this fast an hour ago?

You deserve better. So I left.

The simple response effectively knocks the wind out of you as you read it over one more time. It’s blunt, to the point, and cold. Two things that are definitely the Kyungsoo you have come to know, and the third…something you’ve never been on the receiving end of.

On the snowy sidewalks of Hongdae, you make up your mind, and turn around, heading in the direction of Kyungsoo and his friend’s usual weekend hangout spot.

You know that you deserve a better explanation, and you aren’t about to let him just walk away from your life without a proper ending. Something like this, a vague answer over text message, this— is not acceptable, and you quickly shove your phone back in your pocket and walk with purposeful strides toward Joonmyun’s apartment near their school.

— — —

You’re very familiar with the area because you’ve been here so many times— meeting up with Kyungsoo after school, hanging out with the group— and even though it’s dark and snowy, you find the apartment building easily.

Joonmyun’s is on the ground floor, a modest place that his parents have rented out for him while he is a student (and while they travel overseas. They’ve got money to spare). The doorman lets you into the building, nodding at you with a familiar smile, and despite all the turmoil going on inside of you, you smile back just as politely.

Saturday nights are the group’s official get together time, and they all trickle into the apartment at random intervals of the night, whenever they can get there. So it’s not a surprise when you twist the doorknob, only to not feel any resistance from a lock.

There’s shouts and general noise from the direction of the living room, and you pick out and label voices to the boys they belong to. Most likely, they’re either watching a movie or playing video games.

The whole thing is so intimately familiar to you that it pains your heart being here with such an unconventional purpose. You don’t care you mutual friends see the upcoming confrontation because all you want are answers or— though you don’t want to even give the thought any life— real closure.

Turning into the room from the hallway, it takes a few seconds for the room to quiet down after they notice you standing there. You make eye contact with Kyungsoo, and he holds your look, eyebrows creasing downwards and jaw clenching. Neither of you say anything to each other, and the other males in the room refuse to break the silence first, recognizing that this is completely between you and Kyungsoo (or maybe they know about what he’s done).

"You deserve better?" Unwrapping the scarf from around your neck, you hold it in one hand, the bunched fabric no longer comforting. "So I left?” The last three words are enunciated clearly, and in one decisive moment, you throw the scarf at him, sitting on the couch in the middle. “That’s all I get?”

Yixing stands from where he had been sitting on the floor, and walks to you slowly. “_____-ah, I think—”

Batting him aside (you’ll apologize later), you take a step forward. “Is that all I’m worth to you?” You blink your eyes, trying to control the burn you feel behind them as Kyungsoo stands, face grim, but possessing an equal amount of regret.

"You’re better." The atmosphere is tense, and at this point, you’re positive your friends all know about Kyungsoo’s decision earlier. "You go to a better school, get better grades, are a better person, popular— beautiful," His voice cracks on the last word, and his smirks, though there’s no humor behind it. "And me," Kyungsoo holds the scarf to him, and casts a look around the room, realizing that uncomfortable situation that he’s put everyone in. He gestures at the guest bedroom, and you nod, only because you feel a little guilty as well.

Once the door is closed firmly behind you, does he continue.

"And me. I’m not handsome enough, charming enough, witty— tall, enough to deserve someone like you."

"You’re being disgustingly selfish right now, Kyungsoo." His eyes widen, and you can clearly see the whites of his eyes. "You’re not giving me a say on this relationship that we’ve built up together? Just because you think these things„,you’re automatically putting the same thoughts in my head? That’s not how it works, you know."

He’s speechless, one hand clenched tightly onto the scarf, and the other reaches for you unconsciously, like he’s always done so whenever you’re angry. Usually, he’d pull you to his chest, and no matter how hard you hit him, he wouldn’t let go.

But you don’t let him reach you before stepping back. “What brought this on, Kyungsoo?”

"Bo Ah." He says, and the name drops like a weight on you.

Your TA for your language classes, Kwon Bo Ah, who is fiercely protective of her students. At first she regarded Kyungsoo with suspicion, but lately she’s been warming up to him— but he doesn’t know that. Bo-ah is a fantastic actress, and sometimes those who don’t know her well enough take her seriously even when she’s just kidding around.

"Are you dating Bo Ah-unni?" Shaking your head, you look off to the side, unwilling to keep staring at the pitiful expression on Kyungsoo’s face. "No. You’re dating me— or, you were." You voice catches, and you don’t think you can do this anymore.

Reaching for the knob behind you, you turn it, walking out of the room calmly. All eyes are on you once you enter the living room, and you give the group of boys a strained smile before walking back to the front door.

In minutes, you’re far, far away from the warmth of Joonmyun’s apartment, near the playground of Kyungsoo’s school district’s elementary school. It’s considerably colder out now, and you pull out your phone to check the time.

2 new messages

You must not have noticed the vibrations while you were running.

For a bit you debate whether or not to even looking because it’s obvious who they’re from. But in the end, it’s impossible, and you type in the password. It’s 7:84pm.

Take me back.

I don’t deserve you, but I still love you.

Scoffing into the night air, you stare off into the distance, the vibrant colors of the jungle-gym catching you eye.

"Is that a no?"

His voice startles you, and you turn, only to see Kyungsoo closer than you thought. He’s not wearing a jacket. but the scarf is on his neck, unwrapped.

"What do you think?" You’re tired, tired of the drama that’s been started by outside people and their standards, but mostly of being tugged a million different ways emotionally. "Is you affection that fickle?"

Kyungsoo walks closer, and takes the ends of the scarf to drape around your shoulders, leaning forward to tie them behind your hair. “No. That’s never wavered, only the confidence I have in myself.” Up close, it’s so much harder to be cross with him because you understand the sincerity he’s trying to convey.

Whispering, your voice is just heard above the white noise around. “Should I be asking you to take me back? Since you dumped me?” 

He does that thing, the little smirk before his smile, as he gently folds your arms into his chest, circling his own arms around you after, completely enveloping you in his embrace. “No. I’m an idiot, and I need you to take me back.”

"…okay."

"Yes?"

"Yes."