Tap, tap, tap…I lost count on how many times my pen tapped onto my thick notebook. I’m sitting at my usual place, under a cherry blossom with its petals flying freely as the wind carries them with one gentle blow. I smiled. The sight is too beautiful that I got lost just by looking at them…like how I laid my eyes on her.

“Sehun! You ok buddy?”

I was snapped back to my senses when Kai called out my name. I looked up, smiling and nodded. He grinned…the usual himself. He was holding a basketball ball, to found myself catching it when he threw the thing to me.

“Chanyeol, Luhan and I will be having a game. You in? We could be a team.” Kai grinned as he walks closer and settled down beside me, throwing his backpack on the side.

“Just us?” I frowned.

I’m expecting to see her though. I want to see her.

“Well Christine will be there…”

Just like a snap, I turned my head when he trailed down his words. The sister will be there…could it be she’ll be there too? Kai laughed when he saw the look on my face.

“Can you at least not make it too obvious?” He said, laughing.

I feel the heat creeping up to my face. Gulping, I shoved his shoulder and he fell to his side while laughing his off.

“You’re not helping.” I groaned, slumping my back on the tree, resting my head on it.

“Don’t be such a coward now. The last time I remembered you were flirting with everyone in our class.” Kai said, managed to bring back his balance.

“She’s…different Kai.” I said, staring up as the cherry blossoms starts to fly away again.

Kai sighed dreamily, looked up his gaze to the petals that are dancing with the wind.

“That’s what I think of Christine too.” He paused and looked at me. “And finally, she’s mine now. So I’m expecting you would do the same.”

“Make Christine mine too?” I playfully grinned.

He glared at him, shooting daggers when I mentioned his girlfriend’s name. I put my hands up in surrender and laughed.

“I’m teasing man, geez.” I said.

“Let’s go now. Karen will be there so don’t think too much.”

“Really?!” I beamed right after hearing her name.

Kai laughed and pulled me up. He patted my shoulder, scanning my uniform with the 2 first buttons are ed.

“Ok! You’re good to go.”

 

* * *

 

I remembered how she smiled at me yesterday. It was so warm and beautiful. Today I’ll do the ‘Sehun’s-on-the-action’. I’ll make my move now…before someone gets to the finish line first. The coast was clear and I hurriedly sneak into Karen’s locker. Thank God it isn’t lock. I slipped my gifts in, leaving without any trail of clue to unboxed who the culprit is (which is no one else but me). It may be too old for this kind of system to show feelings but who cares? It might work…I hope.

 

 

“Man that’s too old and lame!” Kai started to yell at me.

I glared, shoving him away from me. My ear is hurt enough for another scream from him.

“Can you please not yell? I’m not deaf.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, driving my eyes to his girlfriend who’s busy with her phone. By the way, the three of us are in the same class and we’re just waiting for Karen to have lunch together…like we usually do.

“Tame him carefully Tine. He’s getting wilder.” I warned.

Christine laughed at that and Kai seems to be absorbing everything for the mean time.

“Yah! What’s that supposed to mean?!” Kai wailed.

“Shush it! Karen’s coming.” Christine said, pulling Kai to her side to keep him shut.

 

 

On the other hand, here I am…feeling nervous. She’s here, walking towards us with a smile plastered on her face. She’s staring at the gifts I gave. Did she like it? The battle inside my head stopped when she stood in front of us, proudly showing the bouquet of flowers and a small card with it.

“I didn’t know you have an admirer Karen.” Christine said, pretending not knowing anything. Instead of giving her sister a feedback…

“They’re beautiful.” She softly uttered, eyeing lovingly the flowers in her hands.

They were Chamomile, Angelica and Iris in a bouquet together. And the card I gave her that says,

Patience has always been with me,

A piece of Angelica you give

For my love, I plea

Accept this Iris, you’ll receive.

“…Wow. That’s deep.” Kai said, raising a brow and sheepishly smiled after reading the content of the card.

“Chamomile, for patience and Iris means message.” Karen said but then frowned…looking at the white angelicas.

“I forgot what the angelicas mean.” She pouted.

She’s so cute—sulking like that. I smiled and just found myself, talking to her as I am getting lost with her beauty…again.

“Inspiration. They mean inspiration. That’s why in the poem…an inspiration you give to this man to make him feel worthy.”

She surprisingly looked at me and when she smiled…I cursed myself for feeling the blood rushing up to my face. I was hoping I’m not blushing but when she and Christine giggled…I failed.

“Thank you.” She said so lovingly…or maybe it’s just me.

That smile—beautiful smile that makes my heart aches in a good way. Even her eyes were doing the same thing!  My mind can’t process anymore. She and Christine left, making their way to our usually place. I felt Kai patted my shoulder. I turned to him, smiling like a kid.

“I have to say, I’m impressed.” He said.

So this is how it feels. Earning such a beautiful smile and over-flowing appreciation from what I did to make her happy. Karen what have you done to me? I even feel more motivated. Her everything encourages me that it already wants me to confess my feelings for her. But I know this isn’t the right time. I have to be patient…for I will eventually make her mine with blossoms.

 

* * *

 

The flowers and poems I’m giving Karen continued. Every morning I’m in a distance, watching her getting anticipated as she approached her locker. And every moment a smile crept her lips while reading each note with the flowers my heart never stops to flutter.

Your smile is my Chrysanthemum

Morning glory in your heart, lend a room

Violet for my loyalty

Yarrow for everlasting love to thee

Salvia blue…I think of you

You are Salvia red…all true

Sometimes it aches in a good way. That it’s making me hard to breathe. Karen inhaled the scent of each flower in a bouquet. They were Chrysanthemum, Morning glory, Violet, Yarrow and blue and red Salvia. She even looked more beautiful with them.

 

One time, I was the one who walked her home…as Kai and Christine set up (I’m thankful though. They were very supportive when I face my only weakness…her).  I walked close to Karen as I didn’t let the chance slip away. It’s not like every day I get to walk her home.  I just took my sweet time, letting myself to be with her close and forget about everything. She turns my whole world upside down and I feel like drowning with my hidden feelings.

“Sehun…” Her soft angelic voice uttered my name.

I flinched a little of her sudden call. She said my name. With that simple gesture of her it made me feel nervous already. My heart pound like it’s ready to burst out of my chest.

“Yeah?” I managed not to stutter.

“Do—do you have any idea who’s sending me these flowers and poems with them?” Karen asked, lifting her head and looked at me straight in the eyes.

I nearly lose my senses because of those eyes but good thing, I didn’t.

“No. Why? Don’t you like the idea of having this mysterious admirer?” I asked with full of curiosity.

Karen shook her head and smiled at me.

“To be honest I really do appreciate it…but maybe it’s time that I’ll show my appreciation in person. I want to meet him Sehun. Whoever he is.” She said, eyes never left mine.

She’s staring straightly to me—like the words she said is really meant for me. A type of indirect message. Did she already know? If she did, then does this mean I stand a chance?

I’ve been asking myself repeatedly, starting a battle of questions and confusion inside my head.

“Y-you want to meet him?” Now I curse myself for stuttering.

Oh get a grip Sehun! Act like a man. Karen softly giggled. She continued to walk and I followed behind her, smiling ear to ear. I can’t think straightly. Her words encourage me to reveal the secret admirer…to reveal myself.

 

* * *

This will be the last day until I unboxed everything. I popped my head out of the wall I’ve been hiding to seek for Karen. And just like how fate played, she was right there, smiling as she approached her locker. The look of anticipation on her face encourages me more—to be brave enough to tell her how I really feel. Not behind those flowers or poems…but right in front of her. Like a man and declare how I feel by uttering the words I’ve wanted to tell her.

Karen pulled out the bouquet of flowers (red daisy, red camellia, red carnation, forget me not, mimosa, Calla lily and red tulip) out of her locker with a big smile plastered on her lips. She peeked inside of the bouquet, finding something and eventually…found the card.

Naïve you are, daisy red

Your beauty might lead me to death

You’re a flame in my heart

Carnation red, you’re an art

Forget me not my mimosa,

Magnificent beauty than Mona Lisa

Take this red tulip, declaration of my love

Confession I keep, I believe you should have

Her smile widened, same goes for her eyes that curve like the crescent moon. Finally, Karen noticed the FLIPPED THE CARD under the poem and she did. At the back of the small card, I wrote there where she’ll meet me.

School garden at the rooftop. I’ll be there ‘til the Sakura tree left with nothing but its mere branches :)

 

 

 

 

This is it Sehun. Your only one shot. She’ll meet you and don’t do anything to freak her out. She may have a clue it is you—or maybe not. Gaah! I should really stop fighting with myself inside my head. I hurried as I fasten my pace while taking the stairs. I slowly opened the door that leads to the open rooftop garden. I took a gentle step and found her there, standing in the center. She got here first? My heart pounded so hard like never before. That it hurts so badly that I almost forgot how to breathe. Karen’s just right there, meters away from me. Her back facing me and oh how beautiful as the wind blows her hair. It was too breathtaking. I gathered all my courage and made some more weightless steps. All I have to do now is to call her name. To utter that beautiful name with love.

“Karen…”

She turned her head to the owner of the voice. Unfortunately…it’s not me. Karen looked to the owner who’s having his way towards her. It’s Luhan. He smiled, holding a bouquet of colorful flowers.

 “I-it’s you? All this time?” Karen said her tone in doubt.

“For you.” Luhan reached out the bouquet to her hand and she accepted it with hesitance.

Luhan came closer, hugged her just like that. Karen stood stiffly but a moment passed, her hands reluctantly reached up and eventually, hugged him back.

If she’s surprised then what do you think I feel? A pang of betrayal stabbed me. Why Luhan? He’s my friend. Why does he need to like the girl I love?! The pain in my heart is killing me softly. This can’t be happening. Why can’t I move my feet? Why I am stupidly dumbfounded and let the pain eats me?

No…Karen…

That should be me. I didn’t notice a tear dropped from my eye not until they uncontrollably pouring down , the cold lingered in my face as the wind blows solemnly to me. I tightened my grip on the three stemmed red roses. My breath’s choking me. I can’t breathe. The heat of pain crawls up to every inch of my body that hurts so much. But nothing would feel painful with what I’m feeling in my chest now. My heart seems to crush slowly. The sight of the girl I love with the man I treat like a brother simply killed me. I feel so numb.

I tightly closed my eyes, turning my back as I don’t want to see more of it. It will only hurt me more even though I know the pain would never let me go. I took a one last glance at Karen, another tear fall.

“I love you.” I softly said the words I wanted to tell her.

It hurts even more because she stole my heart and I’m left with nothing but pain. I have to walk away. I dropped the three red roses and just like how I feel…the petals will turn into dark crimson red, slowly dying. And just like that…my love story ended like an anguished petal.

 

“My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world.” 
― Dejan Stojanovic

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Author's note: 

Flowers and their meanings [For understanding of poems]

• Chamomile - Patience
• Angelica - Inspiration
• Iris - message
• Chrysanthemum - Cheerfulness
• Morning glory - affection
• Violet - loyalty
• Yarrow - Everlasting love
• Salvia (blue) - I think of you
• Salvia (red) - Forever mine
• Daisy (red) - Beauty unknown to possessor
• Camelia (red) - you're a flame in my heart
• Carnation (red) - my heart aches for you
• Mimosa - secret love
• Calla Lily - magnificent beauty
• Tulip (red) - declaration of love
• Rose (red)  - Love
• Rose (dark crimson) - solemn