αвαη∂σηмєηт || נυηg ∂αє нуυη

 

 

“I’m just afraid that someday we’re not going to be together,” she whispered to him as she leaned against his chest. She and Dae Hyun were seated in the grass of a park nowhere near either of their houses. Dusk was breaking; the natural purple hues of the sun going down mixing with the oranges and other blues illuminated the sky. Her face was hidden partially in his neck as she leaned back, her breath teased his ear.

“Don’t believe it. I’ve told you… I’ll do anything I can to keep us together. I’m never leaving you,” he replied, his arms that encircled her closed a bit tighter. “There is nothing on this earth that can pull us apart.”

Dae Hyun’s eyes closed tightly. What he was feeling was something he never wished upon anyone in their entire lives. It was unimaginable pain. It may as well have been unbearable by anyone’s standards. If he could, he would have ripped his heart out of his chest to end the misery a long time ago. But he couldn’t—there was no way he could bring himself to do it. There was too much reason for him to live, but there were days where it didn’t seem like enough.

It was their first Valentine’s Day together and he knew he could never write another note so heartfelt in his life. He knew he would never love anyone the way he loved her. He knew for sure she was the one—the one he wanted to marry, to start a family with, and to grow old together with. He would die for her…

He felt that she knew that. Dae Hyun was absolutely one hundred percent dedicated to her. The love he felt for her was only rivaled by the passion of the sun. He couldn’t even comprehend how he could love someone so much; he claimed it shouldn’t even have been possible. But that was just how strongly he felt for her—if he lost her, his whole world would come crashing down.

“Words—there are no words on this planet that can express how much I love you. I don’t take those three words lightly, but even those don’t seem enough.”

The memories of that passion burned him from the inside out, as if the sun had come to destroy everything he had previously felt. It burrowed inside of him, burned him, boiled his blood, and obliterated every sane mental state he could ever think of having while thinking about her.  She was supposedly what kept him together—she was his sanity.

What he would have to give to feel whole again, he wondered. It was something he pondered often. But not without one of the only memories he had of her. But despite how much pain it had caused him, he kept it no further than arms distance away.  It was always within reach—accessible to make him feel like the most worthless man ever.  

“Dae Hyun… I never ever want to see you again. I never thought it would come to this. I thought you loved me enough, I thought I was worth something to you, but it’s pretty clear that—”

“That you don’t even know what you’re talking about! What are you even thinking? I do love you, why would you ever question that?”

This was it. His world was crumbling right in front of his eyes. She never ever wanted to see him again, and he most definitely was not taking that very well. His hands clenched into fists as he tried to comprehend her words. What was she even doing? This was far worse than any kind of dumping he could ever imagine—much less by his now very impregnated ex-girlfriend. But what could he even do? Blame it on the hormonal imbalance? He couldn’t even fully understand what she was saying.

“I did everything I could for you, gave you everything I could imagine even giving, and this is how you repay me?”

“What did I even do? I still don’t even understand! You’re attacking me for no reason!”

“If you’re going to stand here and lie to my face… I just don’t even have words for you.”

And with that she disappeared behind the door, suitcase full of her belongings in her hands. Not even a goodbye was had that day.

The only thing he had left of her was a thin headscarf she had left tucked under his bed. He held it to his face as his eyes gathered tears. He was about to break, so very close to just unraveling. But he tried to hold strong as any self-respecting man would. It was a pride thing—even if he was to cry in front of no one, he’d rather just not even cry at all.

But could he help it? Not really. She left without explanation, supposedly having it be his fault. But at such a tender age, heartbreak was…basically not an option anymore, not for how deep he thought they were. The idea of them even breaking it off would be like a thousand pins in his heart. It was already too late. He didn’t understand how he could create a life with someone who would walk out with soon enough a child, half his, and never even have a word left for him.

That’s the only thing that infuriated him the most. She left with his flesh and blood.

After many months of hysterical sobbing, a knock came on Dae Hyun’s door one day. Lethargically, the boy climbed from his bed to his feet and shuffled over, but his ears perked up before even opening it. It was a sound, such a dreadful sound. The sound of a crying infant.

Quickly, he threw the door open and there on his doorstep was just that. A new baby that had to be no more than a month old all wrapped up in its cradle, bag of baby supplies and all, on his porch. With a look of panic on his face, his eyes shot up and darted around for another beating heart—somebody, anybody who could have put the baby there.

He couldn’t find anyone and when he finally looked down, he noticed a note tucked into the blanket; his name was written in a script all too familiar. After picking the small child up, he took it inside and closed the door. He cast the note aside and tended to the crying baby.

His unmolded fatherly instincts kicked in as he began to rock the baby back and forth, walking around and hushing it—which he later found out was a she—to silence. It proved sufficient and the child quieted soon after that. But the note still remained on the table, untouched for many hours. Dae Hyun tried to feed the baby, but she drank little. Soon she was fast asleep on his lap, cradled in the crease between his legs, atop his thighs, as he pressed them together; then, and only then, did he reach for the note to read it.

That note was gripped in his hand as well, though the ink had been long smudged by his hysterics and the tears continued to streak down his face now.  The note had to have been crumpled up some hundred times and here it was being crumpled again in the tight grip of his hand.

“Daddy, you’re crying again,” a soft voice echoed from a young girl in his ears. The sound of ‘daddy’ made his heart tingle a little bit, and it numbed the pain slightly, but he still hurt tremendously.

“Yes, baby. Daddy is very upset,” he replied the best he could without sounding completely shattered.

“Sometimes I see daddies crying and mommies are there to cheer them up.” Dae Hyun couldn’t do anything but nod at her words and accept her as she climbed into his lap. Little Li Na was no more than three now, very intelligent for her age. She spoke clearly and conveyed thoughts quite well. “Daddy,” she said, gaining Dae Hyun’s attention again. “Do I have a mommy?” she asked.

“Yes, Li Na, you do have a mommy, and know that she loves you very, very much,” he responded, his tears being wiped away by the little girls hands, the way that he did to her when she cried.

“I don’t mind just having a daddy, but where is my mommy?”

“Daddy doesn’t know, sweetheart. He hasn’t seen your mommy for a long time.”

“Then how do you know she loves me? Have I ever met her?”

“I just know she does,” he said. Though the real reason that Li Na was dumped on him was to make his life harder—solely out of spite—but he knew the girl was loved by her mother, the way every mother loves their child. “You met her once when you were really little, but then mommy left you with me and she went away.”

There was silence among the two of them as Li Na settled herself on her young father’s lap. Her eyes stared ahead of her, the gears in her head turning profusely to try and make sense of the situation. “Why don’t I ever get to see mommy?” she asked.

Dae Hyun’s breath caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say, but he figured that he could only tell the child the truth.

“Your mommy left me when you were in her tummy. I’m sorry that you may not ever see her again, Li Na.”

“Why? Why did she leave you?”

“I don’t know, Li Na. She said she never wanted to see me again… Mommy really dislikes daddy. But what mommy doesn’t know is that daddy still loves her very much, and I can only wish that she knew how much we both miss her, how much I wish that my baby girl had a mommy to love her daughter forever.”

With those words, Dae Hyun couldn’t help but let tears fall from his soft eyes again as he looked so very lovingly at his daughter and he knew… he knew if it weren’t for her, he would be nothing.

Now, Li Na was his sanity—the reason he woke up in the morning, the reason he continued to breathe air, the reason for his existence. His daughter: the love of his life.