If anything, Baekhyun felt he knew quite a bit about Oh Sehun. From his favorite drink to his favorite movie, his dislikes, his flaws and best qualities, he took the time to learn them all. But he never knew how things would go, so long after his confession. How things could end so badly, Baekhyun never even considered the end at all, let alone like this. He never wanted this.

 

There are things he doesn't remember as well. Like what their fights are about, like now. He's screaming again, and Sehun looks as passive as ever, and that irks him more. All he wants at this precise moment is to either throw something at Sehun's face or for Sehun to feel something. Baekhyun thinks maybe physical pain is the only thing he can feel. It doesn't even register in his head that he has in fact thrown a drinking glass until its shattered on the floor. His hands fly up to cover his face and he can't seem to look the other in the eyes.  "Sehun, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have, I'm sorry." The younger shrugs it off. It's not like its his apartment, nor is he injured. "It doesn't matter. Though I wouldn't throw anymore unless you want to buy more." Baekhyun doesn't respond until he's left, and then it's only to scream until his screams turn to sobs.

 

It's almost laughable, how Baekhyun dreams of the old days when they first met. Back then their days were full of laughter and smiles. It was okay, they were okay. Yeah it's laughable how things have changed. If Baekhyun drunk on a Thursday at noon can really be seen as such. But it doesn't matter because he is, drunk, that is. Drunk and stumbling down the street not too far from his apartment. Sehun won't ever know about these moments, won't ever see them, because he's never once come looking for him. But Baekhyun's never searched either, simply takes his "no, maybe later"s as they are. When it comes down to it, their relationship doesn't come much past face value. But they figure it out, at some point when they're so far apart it shouldn't even matter. Baekhyun doesn't know how to be alone, and he might just be Sehun's only connection to the real world. 

 

Sehun isn't devoid of all human emotion, quite the opposite. But he hides it all from Baekhyun for a reason. And after doing it for so long he doesn't know how to revert back to who he was. The only person who ever sees him as he truly is, is his best friend Lu Han. He's seen him cry one too many times now, but it's not worth fixing now, and they both know it. For the time being Lu Han holds him and brings him bubble tea every chance he gets. 

 

They say it has to get worse before it gets better, Baekhyun assumes that's what this is. In reality it's just the calm before the storm, but he doesn't know, won't know. Things go somewhat back to how they were. The smiles aren't as frequent, and the laughter is a bit quieter, but the feelings are just as strong. They're still in love, still young. Baekhyun knows deep in his heart they have something worth fighting for.

 

Sehun, despite his better judgment, wants to fix what he can. He takes Baekhyun on romantic dates, trips to the beach, long walks with no other point than to be next to him. He doesn't ever take him to his home, but he stays with Baek from time to time, so he feels like it's justified, made up for in the least. It's never enough to smother his guilt though, he has never been more selfish. Lu Han tells him he's being stupid, but, it's just not...anything. There aren't any words to explain his raging, mixed emotions. Because he knows he should stop while he's ahead, but he just can't. Not now, not ever. He's ed it all up and there's nothing he can do to change that. But he continues to play it off, living in bliss by Baek's side and torment when he's alone.

 

Byun Baekhyun has never been happier. It's almost like he's permanently walking on clouds, and it's wonderful. Today's another peaceful day, the two of them curled up together on his couch. He's not really sure how, but one way or another they ended up watching Doctor Who, even though neither of them are particularly fans of the show. However, it's more interesting than he ever gave it credit. The current episode is an past Christmas special, it's cute but it begins on such a sad note. Baekhyun can feel Sehun tense up beneath his fingertips. He's not that surprised, Sehun hates sad things, always the more optimistic one. In a way, he can't help but remember another character from the show, in one of the episodes saying how the Doctor hates endings. Maybe he and Sehun are one and the same. Smiling at the thought, and wanting to share his rare optimism, Baekhyun looks to his boyfriend. "Why should they be happy now, when they are going to be sad later?" He quotes, proud of himself. "The reason, is because they are going to be sad later." Sehun smiles back, but it's broken and rigid, his heart breaking again and again. Baekhyun doesn't know what he's done, but he kisses Sehun senseless, breathless, until the moment is gone and the show over. 

 

A few months pass much the same. There's not much time left that Sehun can spare, meanwhile Baekhyun jokes about marriage. Sehun humors him with ringpops. He doesn't get any sleep that night. Lu Han is starting to get bags under his eyes.

 

Things go wrong all over again. Baekhyun doesn't know when it happened, never paid attention to the timeline of their relationship. One day they're up til three in the morning on the phone, the next Sehun just doesn't exist. At first he figured he's busy, he'll get back to him, nothing's wrong. But the knot in his stomach says otherwise, the dread grows and grows. Sehun doesn't answer his calls, he's quit his job, and for the first time in a long time, Baekhyun realizes he doesn't know where the other lives. Doesn't know where to find him, or even where to begin. He calls Chanyeol fifteen times a day for help, contacts to mutual friends, anything. But they all say the same; "I didn't actually know him that well." Its been a month of nothing. Finally though, Chanyeol finds him his best lead. His best friend comes to him straight away, banging on his door and shoving a piece of paper into his hands the second he sees him. It's an address he doesn't recognize. "Wha-"

"Lu Han, he's suppose to be his room mate. Maybe he'll have answers. It's your only shot right now Baek." He doesn't need anymore convincing, just leaves. It doesn't matter that he's still in sweats, or that he looks like a mess. Hell, he didn't even close his apartment door, all too sure Chanyeol will wait there for him. Right now all he can think about is Sehun.

 

The address he finds is located in a slightly upscale neighborhood, not an apartment complex like he assumed. The house itself is devoid of anything personal on the outside. No wind chimes or flower beds, not even a basketball goal or a bench on the small porch. It's clearly not a family home, there's nothing homey about it. Baekhyun finds that he's shaking while trying to ring the door bell. He's too weak to knock. The sound of footsteps startles him. Before he can gather himself, the door is opened just wide enough to see a man about his age. Lu Han, Baekhyun figures, though while he might be about his age, he looks worn, haggard. His eyes blood shot and circled with dark rings. 

"Byun Baekhyun." It's only a murmur but it breaks him from whatever kind of trance he was in. "Do you.. know me?" Lu Han doesn't answer verbally, instead he holds up one finger to tell him to wait. As he slips back into the house, Baekhyun can see further in. And he starts to regret coming here. There are boxes everywhere, some packed and tapped while others lay half empty, but even with that, the place feels almost hallow. There's no color, just starch white walls. "Follow me." Lu Han mumbles once he's returned, his hands buried deep in the pocket of his hoodie. Baekhyun's stomach drops, he doesn't want to follow him, but he knows he has to if he wants answers. "Where are we going?" 

Lu Han won't look anywhere near him. "I'm taking you to Sehun."

 

He tries to think of happy thoughts, good memories. He remembers the time Sehun took him ice skating, it was a disaster and Sehun left with the biggest bruise Baekhyun has ever seen. But he had been smiling. That's what Baekhyun holds onto now, that smile. It doesn't stop the hitch his breathing takes when he sees where they are. "Lu- Lu Han this isn't funny." But Lu Han isn't laughing, he's crying. One by one tears cascade down his face and he doesn't bother wiping them away. "He didn't want you to know. Didn't give me any way to contact you. But he said if you found me, and he knew you would, that I could tell you. I had hoped he was wrong, that you didn't love him as much as he said you did. Just this once, I wanted you to stop loving him. Because I didn't want to do this." Lu Han's voice broke off as he covered his mouth. Baekhyun was speechless, numb. This couldn't be real. "He- I'm not just his roommate, you know? I'm his, was his, live in nurse. I tried, to talk him into more therapy. But the doctors said the cancer was too far along, and he didn't want to live in a bed. He wanted what little happiness he could get. He wanted you. But he didn't want to break your heart. Baekhyun I'm so, so sorry." He broke down then, and Baekhyun could see him, hug him if he wanted, but he really couldn't. Without even meaning to he drops to his knees, eyes tracing the words etched in marble over and over again. Oh Sehun. There are dates, but he can't read them with the way his eyes have blurred. Somewhere in the back of his mind he notes the end date was last month, when the calls stopped. Sehun's tired voice echos in his head; I love you, Byun Baekhyun, sleep well and dream of me. 

"I'm sorry I found you Lu Han." 

"I'm sorry too." He slips an envelope out of his pocket and hands it over. Baekhyun's name is printed neatly in the center. He doesn't want to open it. Here, in the middle of grave stones, it's too real, but home wouldn't be any better. He opens it all the same.

 

Baekhyun,

 

If you're reading this, then you already know, and I'm already gone. It's weird to think about, if I'm being honest. I'm scared Baekhyun. I'm not scared of dying, but I'm terrified of leaving you. I tried, once, I don't know if you remember it, but we were fighting. It had been a really bad day for me, relapsed, but I always pretended to be okay around you, and I was so tired. It's funny, I can't remember why we were fighting. But the point is I couldn't even mention breaking up to you. I was very selfish Baek, I wanted to be happy with what time I had left, but I knew I'd hurt you in the end. I should have told you, you could have left on your own. But I knew you wouldn't have, you would have beat down every doctors door in Korea. It wouldn't have helped. So I kept it a secret, left every trace of sick little ol' me at home. Which reminds me, sorry for never bringing you to my house, but I'm sure you've seen it now. Looks like a hospital doesn't it? Lu Han tried to paint once, but the house is a rental and the landlords wouldn't let him. Sorry, I'm off topic. I love you Byun Baekhyun, and I would have married you if I could. I want to. I want to wake up every morning to your beautiful face, your voice, you. But I can't, and you deserve more. I know it hurts, because it hurts me to even write this, but you'll move on, and you'll love again. Don't make that face, you know I'm right. It may not be all at once, but you'll be okay again. Chin up, I know Chanyeol is waiting for you with ice cream. And Lu Han will be there too, he's very nice. Although he was my nurse, I thought of him as my best friend. He's looked after me for a very long time. Hug him for me? 

Now, wipe your eyes Baek. You've been my angel for so long, it's my turn to be yours. I love you, Byun Baekhyun, always sleep well, and dream of me.

 

Yours truly,

 

Oh Sehun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A/N: No editing is being done. Just a ficlet because I can't seem to write anymore. 

 

Kojafras, feel free to send me more prompts.

 

Title is a Paramore song.

 

<3Eunnie