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HALF OF MY HEART
for: amusingmurdermachine
Based on the song of:
John Mayer - Half of My Heart

half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

Kim Jongin fell on his checkered pattern sofa that he usually sit at to watch TV in his room lifelessly. It was another stressful day for him, a day when situations drained his energy and ability to think, and a day for him to make a decision.

It has been lingering around his mind for quite few days now, of whether he and that certain girl should go back to the past, or move on forward, which would lead Jongin to something he’s afraid he’s not ready at all.

Commitment.

Had he not confessed his attraction to her on that point of time, none of this would ever happen and he would not need to think so deeply, he regretted. Being the childish boy that still holding his new freedom, he didn’t want to ever get himself into a difficult situation. But then again, it was something that he couldn’t help. Not when his heart beats so fast and reaching out for her.

And that part of heart was also the one that restricted him from making his decision and spoke the truth to her, leaving the girl clueless about what he wanted to say when he called her to meet up. However, his heart can’t take it, not when he saw her sincere smiles that belong only to him. Only to Kim Jongin.

That girl is Baek Soojin, or should he says, his current girlfriend.

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends

free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been

“Kai! Congratulations for winning the dance competition again!”

“Look at that, the Kim’s family son is such a fine young gentleman! He got the looks, the brain, and of course the background.”

“He isn’t snobby at all! What an amazing guy even though he’s still young..”

Jongin was aware of what he capable of. Growing up treated with the best things, got his education at the best school, discovering his talent and passion at dancing, Jongin couldn’t even thank more than what he had gotten so far. But to take full responsibility as the heir of Kim’s Group after graduation, getting himself the one sole lady to fill his heart for the rest of his life, were not something he’s ready for.

He was merely a sophomore university student. Freedom as the new legal guy is on the palm of his hand. Chilling out with his brothers, drinking, and meeting attractive girls are his life. Settled down and focusing only at one thing were still far to be decided, as if was asked, his situation right now would made him say he prefers dancing more than business.

But then again, all of his fame and capabilities seem to been a past when he met Soojin.

then you come crashing in, like the realest thing

trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

“Hyung, who’s that girl over there? The one talking to Suho hyung and Sumin noona,” Kai asked at his senior best friends, Yixing and Xiumin. All three of them, along with 9 others were the best brothers in school. Of course, if there’s a fraternity, they would have been the 12 kings of the fraternity, but they’re too lazy to build an empire like that.

“Oh, that is Sumin’s sister, Soojin! She’s on the same age as you Kai, and I heard she likes dancing too,” Xiumin replied. Baek Sumin was Suho’s hyung girlfriend.

“Baek Soojin, huh?” Jongin glanced again at the girl who was smiling at the couple. Her wavy brown hair, long eyelashes and petite figure…

She was charming, Jongin thought.

___________________

“One two three and four, one two, spin.” Jongin who was on his way to the dance studio noticed a girl voice coming out from the place he usually practiced.

Peeking in to the studio, he found none other than the girl Xiumin told him earlier. Soojin was seen practicing some dance moves by herself. Droplets of sweats were running through her forehead to her cheeks, jawline and neck.

Jongin gulped and watched from the tiny creak of the door for few seconds. Soojin’s style was mixture of contemporary-street dance, and Jongin could not do anything except gawked at the petite dancer.

‘She’s good…’ he thought to himself and smiled.

When the song ends, Jongin finally made his way inside the studio. Clapping himself for such wonderful performance, he made the girl yelped and startled in her ending pose. Turning her head around, she saw Jongin grinning and clapping at her.

“Erm…excuse me…” she squeaked, looking at him oddly. Noticing the confusion look on her face, Jongin snapped back to reality and bowed slowly.

“Ah, Mianhae. I was about to use the dance room but I saw your dance on the door. It was amazing, I was glued to it.”

“…. Thanks,” the girl replied, tint of shady red on her cheeks while she smiled. God, Jongin swear he almost thought he would lose the control of himself when he saw her smile.

“I’m Kim Jongin, but call me Kai.”

“Soojin, Baek Soojin.”

“So Soojin-sshi, um…. How about we dance together?” he asked, offering the idea that suddenly popped on the back of his mind. Rubbing the back on his neck nervously, he grinned and waited for the girl’s reply.

Looking back at him for a while, the girl finally chuckled and nodded. Soon, the two young adults were seen practicing the pairing dance moves of Paul Dateh’s Remix of Stars Falling Down.

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)

oh, with half of my heart

“Jongin-ah!” Soojin called and soon plopped herself down at the seat next to him. It was lunch break session, as most of the classes would start back on 2:30PM, while the clock showing it’s only 12:00PM now.

The guy whose name was being called by none other than his best friend glanced at the witty girl for a bit before indulging himself in his lunch bento box. He didn’t like to be disturbed while eating, not especially when he has chicken katsu for his lunch. Soojin stayed there and stared at the eating habit of her friend before she slapped his arm lightly.

“Yah, you didn’t eat the curry and the salad again!” she said, pointing at one part of the bento box that remained untouched. Jongin who just finished munching the katsu, looked at her with annoyed expression.

“You know I dislike vegetables,” he trailed off. His best friend’s speech would start any soon and he’s tired of hearing it.

“But it’s good for your health! How will you have enough energy for dancing if you’re not eating it?” she said, pouting.

“Isn’t that only your way to steal a piece of katsu from me Baek Soojin?” he playfully remarked, amused at her widen eyes and cute pout.

“YAH! I cared for you and you said like that? Fine Kai, fine!” she said, whined even more and turned her head to the side, arms crossed on her chest, pretending to be angry.

“Such a mom,” Jongin whispered while holding his laughter.

“Bwoh? You!” Soojin was about to strike again when one piece of chicken katsu entered . She munched it and looked at Kai who was smiling and laughing right now.

“Yes yes, master Soojin. What’s with that expression?” He laughed, pointing at her face.

“I hate you Kim Jongin,” she pouted, still with her arms crossed.

“But I don’t hate you, best friend!” Jongin grinned and wrapped one arm over her shoulder, ignoring the glares from fan girls around him who had been starring at the two with jealousy since they became so close from the dance practices they often do together.

Jongin smiled at the memory. She was indeed such a mom and big sister, but at times she could even act like boys and her pranks drove Jongin mad. He also remembered the time when the two buddies pranked Chanyeol by sticking a glue on his tennis racket, making him unable to let go of the racket for the rest of the day.

‘Such a daring lady, as she always be,’ He thought again.

Gulping his isotonic water and closed his eyes again, this time with one arm covering the eyes, his mind back to thinking of the times when he realized he attracted to her more than a friend, of how he was so sure that he completely fallen for her, despites being the usual player himself.

I was made to believe i'd never love somebody else

I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself

“Hey Kai, you always absent from going to clubs with us these days, what’s wrong?” Yifan hyung asked.

“Hmm, I just don’t feel like it, sorry Kris hyung. Were you guys run out of people to go?” Jongin replied casually.

“Ani, but the guys are asking about your whereabouts. And Tao said you should come for this weekend’s party, lots of girls from Yonsei University would be there. Let’s say, another girl hunting?” He asked, showing Jongin his playboy smirk.

“Oh, but, I have appointment with Soojin already. We’re going to watch Hunger Games premiere on that midnight.” Jongin recalled the promise he had made with Soojin few days ago, since both of them are Hunger Games fans.

Yifan looked at the said boys slowly and chuckled.

“Seems like you prefer hanging with Soojin than with us nowadays Kai. You like her? Kai that I know never rejected any girl hunting offer before,” Yifan said and sipped on his cola. Jongin choked at the said words.

“Pa… pabo! How could I?” he replied, stammering.

“But it’s true! Well anyway, I’m glad for you if you did. Another member settled down besides Suho hyung,” he remarked and nodded.

Jongin turned his head and thought to himself. Did he really fall for her? It was true that he used to be the one that excited to meet new girls he could flock around with. However now, he preferred to have a movie night with his friend?

‘Am I…really fallen in love this time?’ he asked himself.

lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came

Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

“Hey, you’re not coming to campus today?” Jongin talked on the phone. Soojin hadn’t been seen around the campus today, and he wondered why because she always full-spirited to go to campus.

“I’m sorry. I have a cold since last night. Ouch, my head hurts,” the girl said while coughing on the phone, her voice sounded stiff.

Raising on of his eyebrow, Jongin’s worried expression was seen. He was indeed worried of his friend’s condition, as Soojin barely get sick. And at the same time, Jongin had started to realized his feelings for that girl as well

“You alright? Have you eaten medicine?”

“I will, later. I’m too tired now. Duh, my head keep spinning,” she replied slowly again.

“Where is everyone? No one’s there taking care of you?”

“Sumin unnie went with Suho Oppa. And Mom and Dad are busy with work. It’s alright, they say they’ll come home soon.” Jongin could felt that the girl was trying to smile and told him everything will be all right.

But it all seems not all right for Jongin.

“Babo! I’m coming to your house now, don’t let the door locked! I’ll ask one of the maids to cook you porridge before I come,” he said again, ready to leave from his position and went straight home.

“But Jongin—“

“No refusal. I’m coming and that’s final,” Jongin finally said before Soojin could reply anything and turn off the call.

Hurriedly, he went to where his car was parked and stuffed his bag on the passenger seat. He wasn’t care about anything else right now. He should go back as soon as possible to take the porridge and bring some medicines along to her home.

For few seconds after that, Jongin stoned on his driver seat. He never acted like this before. Even if it’s the girl he’s dating, he never felt so worried if she caught on in small sicknesses like this. He would just wishing her to get well soon, and waited for her to re-appear in the campus. But it’s not the case for Baek Soojin. Jongin felt his mind thinking about the girl, lying lifelessly on her bed and coughing non-stop, of how her body heat kills her and how bored it is to stay there without anyone to talk to. His heart couldn’t help to worry too. He worried whether her cold would reduce soon, whether she needs to go hospital, or whether she would vomit all the stuffs inside of her stomach because of the dizziness.

‘I guess, it’s as much as I love her compare to everyone else before.’ He said to himself and smiled, thinking about her cute sick expression.

Starting his engine, Jongin drove his way to his destination.

Jongin smiled at the thought. He was so sure of himself that time that Soojin meant more for him than anything. How his attitude changed, how for the first time he cared so much for a girl. She had changed him. He who used to be really irresponsible and refused to go for issues that would trouble himself, for the first time voluntarily involved to something that he knew would trouble him.

He smiled when he remembered how he was so confused on how to serve the damn porridge, let alone scoop the food and feed her. He also remembered how he was sweating going back and forth taking towels and ice to compress her forehead. How he helped her sit, how he ruffled her hair and told her everything would be all right, and how he loved her calm sleeping expression.

And of course, how he secretly planted a soft kiss on her lips when she was sleeping.

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)

oh, with half of my heart

with half of my heart

“Soojin ah, I….” he trailed off. The two was enjoying tea-time together at one of Soojin’s favorite café. Jongin gulped his coffee nervously, as the confession was on the tip of his tongue.

“Hmm? What is it?” Soojin replied. She watched his nervous act and looked at him confusedly. The boy didn’t replied at all so she asked again.

“Jongin, what’s wrong? You can always tell me anything okay? And you even called me here. You need to talk about something?”

“……I…” Jongin tried to speak up again. Damn, what was he freaking doing? Blurting confessions was not something he never do anyway, so why so nervous right now?

“Yah, Kim Jongin. If you’re not going to talk I better leave. I’m a bit moody today,” Soojin replied, annoyed a bit and at the same time warning him not to ruin her mood. It’s always scary when she’s angry.

Remember the day when she became angry at Baekhyun because she lost her favorite necklace. That day was scary.

Soojin sighed and leaned back to her chair because she heard no response from the boy. Finishing their cakes and drinks, the two walked out of the café quietly. Soojin dislike the quiet situation, so she was about to say something to him. Turning her head, she expected to look at Jongin when she realized Jongin’s face was so close to her, that she could feel his breath.

“Erm.. Jongin,” she said, felt nervous this time. They’ve never been this close before.

“Baek Soojin. If I say something right now, will you believe me?”

“Try me,” Soojin said, preparing herself of what might Jongin told her.

“I like you. Possibly love you.”

“Jongin….you..”

“At this moment, I am certain of that,” Jongin added, looking at her expression. He knew that she was aware of such a player he was before. But all the changes that he had shown her since he met her, Jongin wanted her to know and noticed that. He was willing to concern himself for her. Something he never did before.

On an honest thought, Jongin thought that there would be no chance for him. Soojin wasn’t someone that easy. She was someone important to him, and for the first time Jongin wasn’t as confident as he always be. But it all turned out to be just a mere worry when he could felt Soojin’s lips on his cheek, pecked it softly.

Soojin drawned herself from Jongin and blushed. The shade of red was all over her face, and she turned away to not let her embarrassing face be seen. Jongin woke up from his trance and chuckled. Gripping her shoulder, he turned her around so their eyes can meet each other.

“Saranghae, Baek Soojin,” Kai smiled and leaned his face closer.

“Nado saranghae, Kim Jongin,” he heard her slowly said before the two eloped in their sweet kiss.

your faith is strong

but I can only fall short for so long

Down the road, later on

you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart

The first few months of their relationship went so well and both of them were in cloud nine. Soojin and Jongin understood each other, being the closest friend before the relationship started. When Jongin felt suffocated from all the people surrounding him due to his status, Soojin was his place to go for hugs and cuddles, as her words would always cheered him up. It also went the same for Jongin, as whenever he sensed Soojin was behaving differently, he would loyally be there waiting for her to spill everything and kissed her to reassure her that everything will be okay.

The girl also knew her place well, as she never disturbed Jongin when he hung out with EXO boys, nor become really jealous and angry when they encountered some of Jongin exes –unless they tried to flirt with Jongin again, that is-. Because of that, they barely fight during the moment they’re together, and Jongin was so thankful to have an understanding girlfriend despites all his weaknesses.

However, now that they knew each other so well and things started to get more serious, Jongin was so afraid that he might hurt her any moment soon, like he always did to his exes when his love for them ended after quite some time. He certainly didn’t want to hurt her because she was so important to him, but his keep-changing heart could not be helped. He was again not ready to face commitment and Jongin afraid of what kind of beast he might be turning at her this time.

Once again, he remembered what he had said to her few weeks ago during one of their dates.

“Soojin-ah, I’m afraid,” Jongin said when the two lied themselves at the park. They were having a picnic with each other bringing lunch from home, just because Soojin asked him to try picnic once.

“Afraid of what?” his girlfriend asked.

“I’m afraid I will hurt you,” was all Jongin said. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, and Soojin could feel that he wasn’t joking.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because… you know how jerk I am right. How about if suddenly I lose control and do something to you?” Jongin sat up, his hand still holding hers tightly.

“Jongin..”

“How about if suddenly I did something with other girls, How about if I……”

“Jongin!” she called, now hands on his cheek. Jongin looked at her and there she was, showing him the sweetest smile he could ever seen in his life. A smile that only belongs to him.

“You wouldn’t. Besides, I’m a strong girl, remember?” she re-assured, even though Jongin could sensed a tiny bit of sadness in her eyes.

“But Soojin—“ he said again, but was cut off when she placed her index finger on his lips.

“Come on, this is not Jongin that I know! After all, I’m your best friend remember? I can always cut your head to two pieces if you dare hurting me,” she said again, nudging his arm and smiled.

“I love you Kim Jongin,” she said again. There were a bit of hesitation for him to say back, but he did anyway.

“Nado,” he said and hugged her. Jongin became lost in his thoughts, as half of his heart saying his love would die soon, while the other screamed that his feelings for Soojin is real.

But I can't stop loving you

I can't stop loving you

I can't stop loving you

I can't stop loving you

I can't stop loving you

With half of my . . .

Half of my heart

Oh, half of my heart

“Hey Jongin,” Soojin said. Jongin looked up from the chicken steak he was indulging himself and looked at his girlfriend, who looked so beautiful today with her long mint dress and styled hair, not to mention the make up she was wearing that made her look stunning.

The two had booked a restaurant for their 100day anniversary dinner. He surprised her with a bouquet of 100 pink roses, and now the two were on their process of eating dinner.

“Waeyo?” he asked, munching the last piece of chicken steak on his mouth.

“Why do you like me from the start? I mean, I’m not girly, I tend to get angry and annoyed at times, and I’m not that pretty.”

Jongin smiled and put down the cutleries on the table. Today was one of the days that half of his heart dominates the other, when he was so certain of his love for her. Positioning his chair to sit close to her, Jongin open up his palms in front of her and show her his five fingers.

“Hmm, let’s see. One, you’re beautiful and that’s final. Two, you’re important to me. Three, you’re the only one. Four, you’re the one I can only see, Five, because I love you,” Jongin remarked and Soojin slapped his hand when he was about to open another hand and list more.

“Stop it Jongin, you liar.”

“Eh, I was telling you the truth! You’re the one asking for it didn’t you?”

“Stop with the sweet talks. I know it’s not the reason.”

“So then let me tell you the sixth one,” Jongin said again, he opened the other hand and revealed a gold heart necklace. He smiled at her surprised expression for the second time and placed it on her neck.

Jongin was determined to never hurt this certain girl, the one whose existence is so important to him.

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That half of my heart won't do

Although he had set his mind and heart to that, it seems that the beast inside him starting to wake up again. Jongin had a cold sweat run down through his forehead when he realized that he started to go back to the usual player he was, having short attraction over some random girls. It was on one of Chen’s social party and he found himself checking some of the girls out when Soojin couldn’t attend because she needs to go somewhere with her parents.

He found himself almost dancing along with random girls too when Luhan scooted him to come over and joined him, grinding himself with bunch of girls on the dance floor. Jongin almost lured to it, and once he realized that, he excused himself to the washroom and washed his face vigorously.

‘What have I done? What am I thinking?’ he asked himself.

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding

To a bride with a paper ring

And half of my heart is the part of a man

Who's never truly loved anything

These few days, Jongin choose to be alone and let his mind think. Thankfully Soojin understood, even though she was worried about him. Jongin wanted to think carefully again and ended the debate that each half of his heart had done since a long time. Whether his feeling was ever true, or it was another short-term attraction. Whether he wanted to move on forward and take Soojin to another more serious level, whether he capable to promised himself to never hurt her, and whether he’s ready for really settling down.

The answer…was no. Even though Jongin didn’t want to believe it at first.

He remembered how Kyungsoo told him the other day, about all the consequences and responsibilities that he should carry if he’s ready to be really serious about his relationship with Soojin, as he said sometimes Suho who was on serious relationship with Sumin too also went on-off mode because of certain clashes.

And to his surprise, even the maknae Sehun said to him that he shouldn’t pursue it further if he knew he would hurt her in the end, because Soojin was not just another girl. She was something, that has once changed Jongin to someone he never been.

Commitment. Jongin repeated that word in his mind until it has no meaning for him. That one thing he’s not ready for. That one thing that he’s not trained for. He was aware that he should fixed himself to become a better man, and a better adult before he even thinking of commit into one sole serious relationship, and his current state saying that he was still a boy. A boy who doesn’t want to think anything about responsibility.

Again, Jongin remembered of what his father said over dinner a while ago.

“Jongin ah, how was your relationship with Soojin?” his father asked over dinner. It was one of a kind day when all family members could make it for dinner together.

“We’re fine, appa.”

“I met with Mr. Baek the other day, and now we’re on the process of developing a project together,” his father said again, hint of excitement in his words.

“Oh I see,”Jongin replied, feeling nervous of what his father might say after.

“We’re happy that we might be possibly in-laws somewhere in the future! Take care of Soojin well, okay?” his father said and patted his shoulder.

That it was, that sentenced which Jongin’s afraid the most. If his parents see that he and Soojin had gone together for quite some time, it would take short time for them before they set them up for a marriage after graduation, which will probably happens in 1 or 2 years time.

He wasn’t 100% rejected the idea because the idea of marrying Soojin isn’t that bad, but he was not ready. That’s the only problem for him. He’s afraid that his un-readiness would hurt her deeply, the least thing he wanted to do at her. He needs to fix himself up, maturing himself more, before taking chances to really go serious with it.

Half of my heart

Half of my heart

Half of my heart

Half of my heart

Half of my heart

half of my heart

‘Mianhae, Soojin…’ Jongin thought, and without him noticing, he had tears b on his eyes, ready to fall.

Jongin is tired. He’s tired of breaking hearts of girls after he met Soojin. Because of her, he realized how much unworthy he was when he played with girls’ heart and thought there’s nothing wrong with it. He wanted to change himself, change to be a better man and worthy of a girl’s heart. And to do that, he had to break it up with Soojin, before his childish heart gets out of control and hurt her deeply.

Not ever in his right mind he would want Soojin to hate him like all of his exes. She was too important, and he completely knows that there wouldn't be any Kim Jongin who wanted to change for better without Baek Soojin. Therefore, before everything messed up, he got to do something.

‘It’s the last I can do. Before I completely changed to be a better man, I don’t deserve you, Soojin,’ he thought again, finally letting the single tear dropped from his eyes.

Walking his way slowly and full of guilt and hesitation, he reached for his cell phone that he had turned off before hand to not let it disturb him. Pressing the numbers he had memorized even under his consciousness, he waited for that person to pick it up from the other line.

“Yobosaeyo?” he heard, the sweetest voice that he always loved. Silent for a few moments, Jongin made up his mind.

“Soojin ah, can we…. just go back to the way we were before?”

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{Author's Note}

Hey there Soojin! Thanks for being the first one to request song-based from me. I love the song! It stucked in my head
this few days hahaha. I hope you like it! I felt I haven't well described Baek Soojin here, but I hope it's alright! And imagining
her dance session with Kai for that choreo made me smile! How sweet is that? 
So yeah, anyway, the Batch 001 is now closed! I'll be back to post the other requests once it's done! :)