Promise Ring
Promise Ring
WARNINGPlease be aware that there will be dark and in the East, generally taboo themes here (that's why it's called angst) like depression, self harm and such. When reading such please be open-minded. Thank you :)
The original is here, but you will find that it is written in the eyes of the reader/you :)
What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me
Was always you?
What am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up
And you're okay?
A head on his lap, a hand on her hair caressing it till she sleeps and the TV showing her favorite movie ("The Great Gatsby") seemed like a good enough way to spend a Friday.
However, Lee Jieun were not going to experience such a Friday, or any day for that matter. She spent it mopping, crying and looking and feeling like the biggest in the world.
" distance." She said as she rubbed sleep from her eyes after a long deep sleep (with the help of sleeping pills). The sunlight penetrated her room and she winced, using her hands as a futile shield.
Distance ed their three-year relationship and wrecked it apart. Days turned to weeks, to months and to almost a year Jieun was surprised Kyungsoo had a plan to come back.
There was no spark whenever they looked at each other. There was no tingly feeling whenever they kissed. Promises were made, broken and rarely fulfilled. They felt as if they were strangers again, foreign to each other and shared no previous bond whatsoever.
Even her promise ring hardly held any meaning.
Jieun took a short shower and dressed in whatever clean clothes that she hasn't used in the past week. The house she shared with Kyungsoo was a mess. There was no food and her and his clothes were just piled everywhere, soiled and in need of a good tumble in the laundry. No one checked up on how she was coping: she has turned away her friends, her parents have practically disowned her for mingling with 'trash like Do Kyungsoo' and of course, Kyungsoo was away.
She toasted some bread and poured milk on a glass and sat on the worn leather couch. Her hands touched the leather and felt memories coming back. The setting of so many sweet moments with Kyungsoo. Tears fell and the sinking feeling that Kyungsoo is with another woman right now reemerged settling in herpit. Jieun wiped them hastily but her efforts were futile; they fell hard anyway. Her mind filled wth sharp memories and the scene which shaped her situation now.
The door opened and a tired Kyungsoo came in.
"How was your day?" Jieun helped him out of his jacket and gave him a quick kiss.
"It was fine. I have to leave again though. I'm so sorry." He said.
"Leaving where?" The smile froze on her face. Not another one of those overseas concerts again, please, she thought.
"To Japan. Another SMTOWN concert again with other groups." He said as he grabbed a quick sandwich from the fridge.
"You're leaving again? I thought they gave you a month off after your recent concert?" She asked.
"Yes I know, but they told me you would understand so I said I'll be fine without the month off."
"For the life of me yes I understand, but what about our other plans? Some of them you planned. Are you saying I should tell everybody that the whole event is cancelled because we aren't there?" She asked heatedly.
"They can be rescheduled for a later date. And why do you depend on me? You can go if you like, I don't always have to be there." He said and Jieun ate her dinner. Silence and tension were such frequent visitors whenever dinner comes, especially on days like this.
"Kyungsoo you frustrate me. You frustrate me so ing much." She said.
"I know I do, and I'm sorry. I hope you understand." He gave her the generic reply. How many times have you used that Kyungsoo? If you're going to lie might as well make it convincing.
"Why can't you put your career behind you for a moment and spend the time you spend on concerts with me and your friends? Remember Hyunsik? I'm sure you miss him a lot just as he does. Come on-"
"You know I can't. Do I have to repeat it again and again? They wouldn't allow me to-"
"Well then the rules Kyungsoo. the limitations they give you. Why won't you live life for a moment? Leave all the expectations, pressure and stress behind. them all." Jieun said in utter frustration, her hands on her head.
"I thought you understood Jieun. I've always left for concerts before and you have never complained. Besides, whatever I'm doing is all for us. Can't you realize that? If not when will you get it in your head? For once Jieun please." Kyungsoo's calm exterior as ebbing away. Kyungsoo was rarely angry, and if he does it's explosive.
"What I don't understand is that whenever we make plans then work gets in the way you always put work first.Explain it to me now, and I might forgive you."
"Career comes first. You wouldn't understand." Kyungsoo said blankly and continued eating his sandwich.
"Now you're contradicting yourself and telling me that I wouldn't understand it. Is it because I am just a lowly student and you're now working as an idol? If your career is that important to you, then I'll leave until you sort out your priorities." Jieun walked to the door and she was just about to open it when Kyungsoo grabbed her hand.
"No one will leave tonight." He said, looking deep in her eyes.
"Who gave you the right to prevent me from leaving? Let go of my hand Kyungsoo."
"Please."
"Let me go! Kyungsoo! You're hurting me!" Kyungsoo managed to tackle the escaping Jieun and trapped her in his arms, hugging her tight from behind. Tears fell from Jieun's eyes as she weakly punched Kyungsoo's arms.
"Let's sort this out first."
"Everything was sorted out just minutes ago. Your career matters more to you than I do and I would underdstand everything except that. If that's the case, I'm ending this relationship. Without me, you can achieve greater and so much better things in life because you wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. And who knows, you could find someone better than me-"
"I won't find someone better than you because you're already the best Lee Jieun. No one will leave tonight. I won't leave, you definitely won't leave." Kyungsoo repeated and lead you to the bedroom.
"Sleep with me. Sleep well Jieun."
"How can I be sure you won't leave?" She narrowed her eyes.
"Are you doubting me? If I say I won't leave then I won't leave." Kyungsoo said in a soothing voice. Both Kyungsoo and Jieun climbed in bed, Kyungsoo wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her tight next to him. Jieun slept troubled and in doubt, but still well.
The last she saw of Kyungsoo that day was his sleeping figure, his shallow breaths warming the cold atmosphere and his lips pursed. The epitome of innocence.
Too bad he was innocent no more.
"Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo!" Strangers cheered at the ticking time bomb happening at the center of the bar: two men, one younger than the other and both holding a shot glass filled with the strongest liquor the bar can offer.
Kyungsoo felt good, so insanely good. The bar and its liquor provided Kyungsoo relief. He has since picked up habits such as smoking (albeit he coughed like they was no tomorrow), drinking excessively and patrying hard without remembering what he had done the night before. Just to ease the tension and guilt away.
Guilt consumed Kyungsoo ever since he left Jieun three weeks ago. He left while she was sleeping, knowing the deep sleeper she was and that she wouldn't allow it. He had to put work first, he just had to. It was for her anyway. She shouldn't have objected.
Kyungsoo downed the shot in one go, his throat burning but still savoring the way the liquid touched his palate. The older and seemingly experienced drinker downed his too and silence engulfed the whole place, waiting on who would give up first.
The older's face twitched, his hand on his stomach and he vomitted violently, releasing all the liquor on the floor. Kyungsoo was swept off of his feet and showered with popping bottles of champagne. The bar was alive, but just for a moment, maybe even shorter. The people resumed drinking and dancing, and Kyungsoo was left alone. Might as well go home.
T minus 1:30 am
Kyungsoo picked up a jacket (whether it was his or not is debatable) and walked out of the club, walking back to the dorm and hoping no one stayed up waiting for him to come back.
He was drunk and smelled of a minibar, a faint note of a woman's perfume and sweat. He definitely didn't want the others to see him in that state. Unfortunately, odds were not in his favor.
"Kyungsoo? Is that you?" He heard a voice call out his name and he winced. It was Jongdae in his sleeping attire, looking for him with an agitated Junmyeon.
"Kyungsoo where have you been?" Jongdae asked.
"You mothering idiot! You scared us! Do you even realize how late it is for god sakes? And you go home everyday at this ungodly hour?" Junmyeon scolded Kyungsoo.
"I thought you were used to me going home late." Kyungsoo explained lamely. This is one of the rare times Kyungsoo has heard Junmyeon swear.
"No we aren't you bastard. You look and smell disgusting and is that jacket even yours? Take a shower and all of us are going to have a talk." Junmyeon threw Kyungsoo's jacket away and pushed him to the bathroom with a basket of toiletries.
Kyungsoo obediently took a shower and took a while later before emerging from the bedroom with all his best friends looking at him seriously and some in a conscending manner.
"Kyungsoo-sshi."
"Hyung."
"What?"
"We need to talk Kyungsoo, and you cannot back out." Minseok said.
"How come the others are caught up in this?"
"They have every right to hyung." Sehun said. Kyungsoo sat down between Jongin and Baekhyun.
"Where have you been these past weeks?" Junmyeon asked tersely,.
"The local club not far from here."
"Do you know what time you go back?"
"Around midnight, I suppose. I never really checked."
"Where did you pick up smoking and drinking?"
"I don't know, probably from there too." Kyungsoo shrugged as his fellow members (Luhan looked like he was going to puke) looked at him shockingly.
"Is there a valid reason why you go home late partying your off? I'm surprised you haven't been caught by the police or pass out on the streets with the antics you do." Yi Fan asked and Kyungsoo gave them all the knowing look.
"Why? You can always talk to us, we're your brothers Kyungsoo hyung." Jongin said.
"Constant concerts and rare visits have kept us apart. Times when we are recording and practicing get unbearable because it would months before I can see her again. And when I do see her, work gets in the way and I'm forced to put it first. We had a row before I left and I'm quite sure our relationship's over."
"You gave her a promise ring." Baekhyun and Luhan said.
"I'm also quite sure she has forgotten about the ring. Threw it in a well or something."
"We know Jieun well enough to know things have sentimental value to her; she can't easily throw her promise ring away. I see you're still wearing yours." Chanyeol said, pointing at the silver infinity ring on Kyungsoo's ring finger.
"So you promised her. That's kinda like an engagement you know. And you shouldn't break engagements just because of what happened to you recently." Tao said.
"Keep your promises to her. At least, the one that symbolizes the promise ring you gave. You've broken enough to last a lifetime." Junmyeon said.
"I was planning to pop the question to her before all this mess." Kyungsoo confessed and the others looked at him. He showed his hidden necklace, the one he always wore and was always underneath his clothes. A ring was used as a charm. It looked well worn, it was a family heirloom, but the diamond shone brightly, like their relationship before the mess.
"Talk to her. Visit her. We'll cover for you." Yixing said and the others agreed, Junmyeon and Yi Fan looking sceptical.
"Manager hyung will kill me."
"At least you die happy because you've proposed to her."
There are just times when Kyungsoo thanks the lords for Jongdae's trolling side.
Jieun's frail body sank in the bathtub and the water made little ripples. She traced her finger down her legs and grabbed a blade nearby. The blade made contact with skin and the water was laced with blood. Every cut symbolized every promise made and broken, every tear shed. Slashes on the arms and tears mixed in until she felt she's had enough.
"Jagiya do you know where...... Jieun what are you doing?" Jieun heared Kyungsoo and quickly hid her arms inside the oversized sleeves of her sweater and the blade inside a small pouch.
"Nothing it's nothing Kyungsoo. What were you asking about?" You hope Kyungsoo would not notice the subject change.
"I... forgot about it." Kyungsoo said quickly, noticing her peculiar behavior. He noticed a small spot of her sweater getting blood red and Jieun covered it with her hands. Damn this light colored sweater.
"What's that? I know you're hiding something." Kyungsoo approached Jieun until they were both face to face. He gently prises her fingers covering the spot of blood but she refused.
"It's nothing really Kyungsoo-" You held tighter and winced.
"Do you trust me?"
"I do. But do you trust me enough to believe that this is- Kyungsoo!" He managed to prise her fingers away successfully. The blood has spread and the spot was bigger and he lifted the sleeve slowly to reveal long cuts, some scars but most of them fresh and bleeding profusely. Kyungsoo widened his eyes, looking at her then at the cuts then back to her again.
"Mind explaining what is this Lee Jieun?" Kyungsoo asked in a strict, teacher-scolding-a-student tone.
"It's not-"
"This is not 'nothing' Jieun. This is something serious."
"They're cuts. I cut okay? As in one of those things people do to relieve their depression." You say.
"You-You're depressed?" Kyungsoo asked quietly, the realization dawning on him.
"Yes, I am. And I take medication for it. Remember the time I feigned sickness? I used it as an excuse to take the medicine so you wouldn't worry much. And it's not caused by you, don't worry. This has been going on for years."
Kyungsoo remembered the times his girlfriend wore sweaters on the hottest of summer days. He remembered asking her why she wore such, and she gave him the reason that she felt 'a bit cold'. He remembered the way she stares at random objects, and distracting her from such and she would jump in reflex.
"When did this start? Why did you not tell me about this?"
"It started so long ago Kyungsoo. You wouldn't want to know the full story. I didn't tell because I didn't want you to worry about me. You wouldn't want to get involved in my mess to be honest Kyungsoo. By not telling you I'm saving you from all forms to misery." You laughed miserably.
All those years of depression came back racing into Jieun's mind. All those times when her mind just went blank and her eyes rested on a spot in the wall, unmoving. And those times when they were so full she thought her head would burst.
"But why? Why did you not tell me? Don't you trust me? Don't you think I can help you?"
"I don't want you involved in my mess Kyungsoo. Of course I trust you, of all people. And I didn't really think you could help. You didn't experience all my problems and stress. You wouldn't know."
"But if you told me then I would know and understand and I could help you." You didn't really think of that. If you did, then all this misery would be over. No more problems, no more scars, no more hiding. You could actually be happy.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think it through."
"It's okay. Don't do it again please." Kyungsoo stood up and walked out of the room and returned with a first aid kit. He took out the gauze, cotton balls and Betadine. He cleans the wound first with the cotton balls, wiping them off and then dabbing them with Betadine, making her wince.
"Sorry. Didn't know it would be that deep. Do you really cut that deep? Do you want to reach your veins?" Kyungsoo asked as he wrapped thin gauze around the cuts.
"I only cut that deep if I'm really sad and depressed. And I don't want to reach my veins, only when times that thoughts about dying flit through my mind." Kyungsoo finished wrapping the wound and held Jieun's hand tightly.
"Now you have to promise me, Jieun-ah, that you won't cut or get depressed ever again. Because it makes her Kyungsoo sad and he doesn't want to see her like that because he loves her very much and he doesn't want his jagiya to experience that sadness ever again. Arasso?" Kyungsoo said. He always had a way with words, always had a way to brighten up her day.
"I, Lee Jieun, promise not to cut and get depressed ever again because it makes her Kyungsoo sad and he said that he doesn't want to see me like that because he loves me very much and he doesn't want his jagiya to experience this kind of sadness ever again." You giggle. Anything to make Kyungsoo happy. What makes him happy, makes me happy.
"Help me cook. Cooking can help get things off your mind."
Lee Jieun has broken her promise. One of her most important promises to Kyungsoo. But as they say, promises are meant to be broken. And he has broken many of his promises too, ones more important that this, so why should this matter?
She heard the doorbell ring but ignored it. Ignoring things make them go away anyway. But not this one. It keeps on ringing and ringing until it resorted to knocking. The knocking grows louder but as it noticed no one answered, it stopped. She felt relieved, until a moment later she heard the lock click and the door open.
"Jieun? Jieun-ah? Are you there?" Said a familiar voice.
"Lee Jieun you're scaring me." Said the same familiar voice. No matter how familiar it seemed, she can't pinpoint on who it really was, until it came and opened the door. A tousle of black hair and dark circles appeared.
Kyungsoo.
He looked so... different from when Jieun last saw him. He still sported the same features: doe eyes in the shade of chocolate, tousled hair that was recently dyed to black. But he didn't carry his happy aura with him, no. His brown eyes aren't bright and the dark circles under his eyes increased.
"Kyungsoo."
"Jieun."
"You came back."
"What did you do now?" He asked you, eyes wide open. So much for welcoming him back.
"I-I..... I'm sorry. I broke a promise. I wasn't supposed to-" Jieun's voice broke, replaced by tears which he wiped away.
"I broke promises too, a lot of them more significant than this. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. For the promises I made and broke. For the fight. For the distance. For the lack of time between us. Just... distance is just a ing barrier between us and if you were to ask me now I wouldn't really give a about my career. I will persevere for your forgiveness if it's what I need to bring us back. But what have you done?"
"I d-didn't mean to. I needed some kind of relief. Some kind of comfort. Obviously no one was there to give me one." Jieun tried explaining, but he cut her off with a finger to her lips in a silencing gesture. He grabbed a towel and gave it to which she accepted gratefully and wiped the water off her body with it.
"I needed some kind of relief and comfort too. I turned to alcohol and nicotine." Kyungsoo said as he cleared the water of the bathtub, took off his coat and gave it to her.
"Kyungsoo! You would never do that."
"I did. I needed it. Without it I would feel miserable and lonely and a messed up . Alcohol drove me crazy; it turned me into somebody and into situations so surreal. It cranked my emotions up high like they never were before, until all the alcohol stopped rolling in then it abruptly stopped, then I would resort to smoking. Smoking made me think, made me contemplate. It also made my body run on autopilot and my mind blank; any foreign thing or feeling and I could pass for an epileptic. "
"Why did you have to leave? Why?" She pleaded, needing answers. He began kissing each and every cut made, his kiss spreading from the beginning to the end of the cut. He kissed even the old ones, the ones that left scars. His lips travel from her wrist up to her right arm, then back again on the other arm until he reached back down on her left wrist, kissing the promise ring that rested on her ring finger.
"I had to leave because whatever I would be doing, doing promotions and concerts, would be for us. For our future family."
"What? But Kyungsoo... this is overwhelming me." He reached for the pocket in his coat and he held a little black box. He opened it and he held what was in it. A ring.
"Kyungsoo...is that...?"
"Jieun-ah, remember when I promised you I would wait until you're ready? Are you ready now?"
"Y-yes." You answer. Oh that memory.
"I've broken enough promises to you. Fulfilling this only one would surpass all of them. I want to spend the rest of my days with you. I want to grow old with you, to have children with you. I want to see our children grow until they fall in love and have children themselves. I want to have our final days together, on earth, with you. I want to share a grave with you, if by chance that sounds romantic.
"Lee Ji-eun, I never once expected our relationship to extend this far. I have made countless memories with you, and I'd like to make countless more. If we both persevere enough, we can work this out. Because nothing, not even distance, can stop our love for each other.
Jieun, will you marry me?"
It wasn't the most romantic way to pop the question. It wasn't the way Jieun imagined Kyungsoo asking her to marry him. In fact, it was so far off she felt like laughing. The first laugh she's had in weeks. He didn't kneel like the prince charming she dreamt of. He didn't present the most beautiful ring in the world like the prince charming she dreamt of. But being with Kyungsoo from this moment on was more than what she dreamt of. It was better than her dream prince charming kneeling down and presenting the most beautiful ring, because Kyungsoo being Kyungsoo is enough, and it was perfect in its own way.
"Yes. Yes yes yes!"
Jieun felt like shouting this to the world. Announcing to the world that she just accepted to get married to Do Kyungsoo, of all people. He slipped off the promise ring and replaced it with the engagement ring, a rose gold ring with a shining diamond cut into a heart. It wasn't new, one could easily tell, and the diamond didn't shine as bright as you thought it would. Kyungsoo kissed Jieun sweetly and passionately and she returned it back, with just as much fervor
Just like their relationship, when time gets rough, the clouds go above and block the brightness from getting in, replaced with misery and darkness. But when it stops, when they've finally overcome the darkness, the clouds clear up to reveal the sun, shining brighter than ever to know that it never really gave up. It was always there, waiting. Just like the diamond in the ring. Maybe it does not shine so brightly now, when both of them are going to a rough time and haven't fixed all the patches. But when they have, it will shine brightly. As a result of neverending perseverance for each other.
"Do Kyungsoo, I love you. Please don't leave me again."
"I love too. And I could never leave you again. Never."
AUTHOR'S NOTESDid you like it? Was it good? Please leave comments/reviews! Don't forget to subscribe and give upvotes and check out my other stories! Thank you so much :)
Comments