We were stupid kids. Always getting in random fights, ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Always. We never did any good, but we didn’t care. Not one bit. We had fun while we were with each other. Whether we were running from some kids we stole from or were running just too feel the rush of freedom, I felt invincible. I felt endless. There were three of us always getting into mishaps. Youngbae, Seunghyun, and I, Jiyong. We grew up together and got into crap with each other.

Seunghyun was the one to introduce us into smoking. His sister made him try one and then he made us try one and since then, we were all hooked. There wouldn’t be a day you wouldn’t see us without the stick in between our lips or our fingertips. We first tried our first cigarette at our favourite hangout. The train tracks. They were abandoned and no one really walked along them except us. 

That was where we always met after school each day. That was where we would decide what we do during the nights. Even if it was raining out, we would go there, deciding where it would be fun to disturb next. We did a lot of things that could have had all three of us killed. There was one time we decided to keep walking, trying to find the end of the train track and then we ended up on the running train track and if we were deaf, we would have been hit by the oncoming train. 

Scariest day of my life. My heart pounded against my chest and I felt like I would have died from my heart racing so fast, but of course I didn’t. Instead, all three of us started laughing as we laid on the ground, putting a cigarette in between our lips. Then one night, it was hot and sticky. Seunghyun had his sister to buy us some beer. It wasn’t a lot, but all three of us were still lightweights and couldn’t hold our alcohol well.

Youngbae was already passed out by our sixth beer and it was just Seunghyun and I that were still up and awake. Not all there, but there. He looked me in the eye and suggested that we run to see who could reach the running train track first. Being drunk, I agreed and we both looked at each other, smiling before we counted down, taking off once we counted to one. 

I paced and paced before I started slowing down, feeling a pain in my right side, my guess from all the smoking. I stopped, breathing heavily and looked up to see if Seunghyun had stopped or if he was still going. He still booked it down the tracks. He was smiling and I was yelling at him, telling him that he was a loser. I looked beyond him and I saw the lights.

“Seunghyun!” I called out. He didn’t hear me. The roaring of the train increased as Seunghyun started to become one with the bright light. It felt he wasn’t going to stop. My heart was pounding even harder now in fear. “SEUNGHYUN STOP!” I yelled. He wasn’t stopping. I started to run again. I ran even though I felt pain. I ran until I was close enough to grasp his shirt, but I came too late. He turned to me, saying goodbye before he jumped in front of the train. I screamed. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My voice caught up in my throat. I stood there, speechless and in denial of what had just happened. It couldn’t have happened. It couldn’t have been true. Then the train disappeared and I saw his body on the other side of the tracks. It had been mangled up pretty bad. It was hard to tell it was him, but I knew it was him. I wish it wasn’t though.

Clenching my fists, I looked both ways before crossing the tracks and running towards him. I lifted his head. It was already too late. He was gone. There was no way he would have survived being hit by the train. I couldn’t stop him. I ran too late. I should have kept on running even though I hurt. Maybe if I had beat him to the end, he wouldn’t be gone. Maybe. Just maybe. Wiping my eyes, I stood up and told myself that I had to wake up Youngbae. I ran to him and shook his body. He stirred in his sleep and it wasn’t until I said “Seunghyun’s gone,” that he finally opened his eyes.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” he asked me. I told him everything fast. I told him that we decided to race to the end of the abandoned track until we hit the running one. That I saw the light and that I knew Seunghyun saw it as well and he kept on running. I told him how he said goodbye before jumping in front of the train and I told him that his body didn’t look like his body. By the time I finished telling him, I was crying, wiping my eyes. Youngbae told me it would be okay and gave me a cigarette. He lit the end for me and we both walked over to his body. We didn’t know if we should call an ambulance and wait for their arrival or call and then leave. We  decided to call and say someone jumped in front of the train and we took off. We went back to my place and cleaned ourselves up and sat in my room. Neither of us could sleep that night. We were shaken up by what Seunghyun had done and asked ourselves why. 

There was no explanation. He was always the happy one out of us three. He was always the one that had all the fun ideas. He was the one we looked up too.

We sat in my room, the window opened as we smoked at the windowsill. Youngbae didn’t say a word after we got back to my place. I wasn’t pushing him to speak. 

Then we heard the knock downstairs. I looked out the window and saw a police car parked outside. I knew they were at my home regarding Seunghyun. Youngbae looked at me and told me to stay calm. I couldn’t stay calm. I started to pace around my room. Scared that they would know we were with him when the accident happened. That they would know we were drinking. I was scared I would be sent away for questioning. I was never good under pressure and neither was Youngbae. 

A knock on my door. We burned our cigarettes onto the plate and my mom opened my door and walked in. A police officer followed her in. He stood tall by the door and my mother looked hurt. 

“Boys, I don’t know how to say this, but your friend, Seunghyun, he was found dead at the train tracks. The one near your hangout.” I looked down, covering my face.

“What is he doing here?” Youngbae asked, looking angry with the police officer.

“He’s here to question you. Nothing too big.” I nodded and said that we would say what was needed. My mother left the room and left us with the cop. He walked around my room, his hand grazing over the picture of the three of us from when we were younger. We were all muddy from playing in the mud while it rained hard outside. It was a memorable day and I felt irritated when the cop picked it up, looking at it more closely. 

“Don’t touch that,” I snapped at him. He set the picture frame down and then looked at the two of us. He asked us where we were between the hours of 3AM and 6AM. I told him we were here. He then asked us if Seunghyun had any plans. We shrugged our shoulders and told him we didn’t know. He then went to ask if he liked to drink. I nodded. He asked me if Seunghyun was drinking. I shrugged. Acting like I didn’t know.

“Thank you,” he said, leaving the room. I laid down, closing my eyes. 

“Why do he think he did it?” I asked Youngbae. He shrugged.

“I think he was tired of life.”

“But why would he leave us?”

“I don’t know because he’s a stupid kid. Making stupid moves. Making us do stupid things.” Youngbae got up and threw something to the floor. I looked to see what he broke and saw the picture under broken glass and I also saw another piece of paper. I quickly got up and shoved Youngbae away. I picked the paper up, not caring if I was cut or now. I unfolded it and it was from Seunghyun. He had messy writing and I could notice it from anywhere.

“What’s that?” Youngbae asked. I told him it was nothing and put it in my drawer. He rolled his eyes and laid on my bed. I laid beside him. “I want to cry,” he said. I told him too, but he shook his head. “Seunghyun wouldn’t want to see my ugly face.

My heart sank. Seunghyun wasn’t there anymore. Seunghyun wasn’t there anymore. Seunghyun was dead. He died. He committed suicide.

Both Youngbae and I were numb after the accident. We barely ate. Youngbae stopped going home and stayed with me. I didn’t mind. I didn’t like being lonely. When I was alone, I saw his smiling face, I heard his last word and I saw the train hitting him. I would always wake up screaming. We both stopped going to school and barely left my house. My mother was worried about us, but she left us alone because she knew we were just grieving. She just didn’t know we were the last ones to see him.

The paper I found behind the old picture, I kept a secret from Youngbae and I didn’t bother reading until after the funeral. We didn’t go. We couldn’t go. We weren’t allowed to go. Seunghyun’s mother was furious that she lost her son. She said we would also see our death if we were seen at his funeral. I didn’t want to push her words to reality so Youngbae and I stayed away. We were both glad we weren’t allowed to go. I don’t think either of us could stand there while we watched them bury our best friend six feet under.

In the final reports for his dead, they clarified that he was too drunk and didn’t move quick enough to get out of the trains way

That wasn’t what happened and both Youngbae and I knew that. It was suicide.

The day after his funeral, Youngbae left my house and went to the train tracks. At the end, you could see the yellow tape they used to cut off that area for investigation. We both lit ourselves a cigarette and sit across from each other. I sat on the track and he sat on the concrete. I reached into my pocket and pulled the paper out.

Youngbae and Jiyong I started to read the letter that was addressed to the both of us. Youngbae looked at me and inhaled a long drag. I hated everything the world had to offer, so I have decided, I’m ending it soon. Not the world, but my life. I’m leaving you guys. I hated the fact that I was ty in school and that I wasn’t good at any sports or anything art related. I was only ever good at getting us in trouble. Sorry if you guys had to find me or if I offed myself in front of you. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry I had to end our fun. I’m sorry I’m a bastard. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t care if you guys cry. Go ahead. Cry for me forever. Cry. 

I was crying once I finished reading and so was Youngbae. There wasn’t a lot written, but it hurt to know he felt so worthless. Youngbae stood up, kicking dirt. He screamed and stood up, wrapping my arms around him. He turned around and wrapped him arms around me and we both cried. We both screamed for Seunghyun to come back. We had no one to look up too anymore. We were both empty and felt a hollowness in our chest from our lost.

After his death, we stopped caring or even trying to be happy. We stopped living. We slowly started to die with each cigarette we smoked. This nasty habit we started because of Seunghyun. With each drag, I remembered his smile. With each puff, I remembered his laugh. And until I smoked it to the , I remembered every piece of him. Becoming into a smoke, dissolving into thin air.