Yang Yoseob put on his coat and wrapped his grey scarf securely around his neck to protect from the January winds. As he took his car keys from the table near the door of their dorm, Beast’s Dongwoon spoke to him.

“Hyung, where are you going?” Yoseob replied with a smile to Beast’s maknae, “I’m off to see Soojin.” Dongwoon nodded, remembering.

“Oh right, anniversary?” When Yoseob smiled and nodded, Dongwoon left to his room. He returned and handed something to him saying, “Tell her I said hi and give her this.” Yoseob agreed and headed out of the drom and to his car. The wind blew on his face as soon as he stepped outside in Seoul. The sun shined brightly and happily despite the coldness. The breeze caused Yoseob to shiver as he hurried to his small car. The trees blew left and right freely and flexibly as he drove down the streets of Seoul.

At the last red light before reaching his destination, Yoseob took a look out of his window on the left and watched the people walking on this terrible yet beautiful day. He saw a couple walking closely in couple shirts as they rushed into a nearby cafe. He saw the boyfriend pull the girl’s chair out for her to sit and push in her chair. The couple giggled and stared lovingly at each other as new couples do. The boyfriend reached to grasp the girl’s hand from under the table. Yoseob smiled as he watched for as long as possible until the car in back of him beeped and yelled at Yoseob. It didn’t matter to him, but he accelerated slowly anyway and the couple was out of sight. They put a smile on his face though. It reminded him of the beginning stages of his relationship with Soojin, 5 years ago. He would reach for her hand in public but she never allowed it. She always wanted to protect their idol image. But after 3 years of dating, the media finally found out. But it was a relief to Yoseob, he took pride in holding her warm hand on these cold streets.

The fans learned to love her good heart and love her even more since she’s made him happy. As Yoseob took a right and parked his car, he saw other cars around his also parked. It was probably fans and media, always following an idol’s steps. He turned the engine off and took a look at the flowers in the passenger’s seat. He smiled and a warm feeling ran through his body. They were tulips, Soojin’s favorite flower, the flowers that Yoseob always brought her when he comes to visit her. He grasped them tightly and breathed deeply as he exited his car. He saw reporters and fans watch him from afar but paid no attention to them. They didn’t worry him. They wouldn’t bother him. They all knew it was the anniversary of Soojin’s death. It’s been 2 years since she passed away in a car accident. Every birthday, anniversary of their relationship and anniversary of her death, he comes to visit her and brings her tulips. She was a singer under the same company as Yoseob, Cube Ent. They met that way and spent time together. A few years after Soojin debuted, they began to date in secret. Her voice was like a beautiful melody to Yoseob that could make him paralyzed. Her singing could cheer him up in a second if he were ever sad. He wished to listen to it once more.

When he walked to her tombstone, he stared at the picture of her that sat there. She looked as if she was still alive and walked to say one last thing to him. He placed the tulips gently next to her tombstone and kneeled in front of it.

“Soojin-ah, annyeong,” he said with a smile. “How have you been? I’m doing ok and so is the rest of Beast. We released a new album a few months ago. It’s doing well, the fans like it and so do we,” he spoke to the photo. He imagined her there with him, alive and listening to him with her small ears that were always covered by a piece of black hair on each side. She would be smiling at him, sitting next to him and listening carefully without saying a word. Yoseob imagined it like this; he imagined it like this because it was the only way he got through these visits. It was the only way he could stop himself from constantly weeping on the grave.

“Dongwoonie,” he started with a smile, looking at the ground that already had flowers from people through the year. “Dongwoonie told me to tell you that he says hi and to give you this,” he said as he laid down their new album and a laminated picture of all the members of Beast with Soojin. It was a picture taken before the media found out at one of Soojin’s performances. Everyone had smiles on their faces. Yoseob placed it gently on her grave with care as he looked at her picture.

“Dongwoon always said that you were his favorite noona. I guess he ddn't want you to forget about us,” he said with a smile. “I’m sure the members would have come with me like last year but they all had schedules today. They all miss you though, so does your fans.” A tear began to fall down from one of his eyes and his hand trembled. “They miss you so much. I received so many messages on our website about you today, Soojin. They miss you, but I think I miss you the most.” he said as more tears fell from his small face.

“There isn’t a day that goes by that you aren’t on my mind.” Yoseob paused as he took a deep breath. “Why did I have to tell you to meet me after your schedule? It was raining too  hard that day and I should have known,” he said as he wiped his tears and ran a hand through his hair. “I love you so much Soojin-ah. I’ll never stop loving you. You will always be my first love.” He broke down and buried his face in his hands. He felt the tears fall onto his cold hands.

Yoseob always remembers that day like it was yesterday. The rain was heavy and he had just called her to spend the day with the him and the rest of Beast. She wasn’t far from Beast’s dorm just a block or two away and she lost control of the car, crashing into a light post. He remembers running to the crash site in just a t shirt and jeans in the January cold that made his body tremble and his shirt cling to his body. He remembers the headlines that next day that flooded the internet: Deadly Crash in Seoul, Crash Kills Ahn Soojin, Ahn Soojin died in Deadly Clash with Light Post, Yoseob holds Dead Girlfriend After Crash. He held her bloody body and begged her to come back, even if he knew it wasn’t going to happen.

He still trembles and lets a tear fall as he crosses that intersection. Yoseob saw in the corner of his eye his manager coming to pick him up for his next schedule. He wiped his tears and took another deep breath. There’s no shame in crying, he told himself. It was part of the long road to healing. He took a last look at Soojin’s picture and traced it with his hand from her small pink lips to her beautiful eye smile.

“Soojin-ah, I’ll always love you. Jebal,” he paused and choked back more tears, “please wait for me, no matter how long it takes. Let’s both be well and happy until then. ok?” Yoseob smiled weakly and walked slowly to his manager who patted him on his back. Yoseob knew eventually he’ll move on and might find someone else to make him as happy as Soojin did. But for him, no one will replace Soojin, his first love. There will always be tulips for her on her grave and in his heart.