First loves are never forgotten. The joys, the heartbreaks and the uncertainties are all drilled into our hearts. We either learn or repeat from experience. My first love lasted for a year but while it lasted it was glorious. It wasn’t filled with unicorns and rainbows, but I learned how to love and how to fall out of it. When it ended, I was glad and I thought I could finally release myself from being the ‘girl-who-loved-a-guy-who-didn’t-notice-her’. I had moved on. Shortly after, the perfect, tender and ‘handsome-like-no-other’ sunbae walked his way into my life and my first love took notice of me. Talk about immaculate timing, but it didn’t change anything. The guy who showed me how it is like to be loved hasn’t walked out of my life since. Nine years later, he took me on a holiday to Paris and gave me the most cliché proposal on the top of Eiffel Tower, which I accepted with the feeling of a Princess who’s about to marry her Prince. So, my life at this moment as the fiancée of the most flawless man in Korea could not get any better. That is what I believed, before I receive an invitation in the mail.

 

It was a week ago. I had checked the letter box in the afternoon after work on a Friday. Sorting out the numerous white envelopes from the bank, phone and internet companies and the water corporation; nothing was new. Bills needed to be opened and paid so these letters didn't excite me one bit. That was until I saw a silver envelope that didn't have any company logo on it. It just had our names handwritten prettily on the front.

 

It was almost the end of January so Christmas and New Year's had long gone, so surely this wasn't a card of some sort. I then opened the shiny envelope. It was an invitation; an invitation to our 'Ten Year High School Reunion'. In surprise, my jaw had dropped to a new low. I had lost contact with most of my high school friends except for my best friend. Quite frankly, there were some people that I dread to see. And after avoiding them for the best part of the last decade, I don't know how I'll react if I go to this thing.

 

My fiancée made it home shortly after I had opened the invitation. He probably thought I was stunned by a ghost or something because of my freaky expression.

 

"Honey, what's with the freaky look?" He said, as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

 

"Yixing oppa. An invitation for our high school's ten year reunion just came in the mail..." I answered nervously.

 

"Oh really? It would be great to see everyone again after so long. I miss our old friends." He said with his bright smile, showing his deep dimples. I had turned around and poked his gorgeous facet while pouting like a little girl. We often acted childishly cute towards each other, obviously when we are alone of course.

 

"I know it would be nice but you know..." I hesitated a little.

 

"You don't want to go do you?" He asked. The reason why I have loved and stayed with Zhang Yixing for so long is because he understands me; even more than myself.

 

"Not really..."

 

"Come on, honey, it will be fun. Nothing's going to happen. Your best friend will be there and you haven't seen her in ages." He encouraged.

 

My best friend, Seo Joo Hyun, has always been a busy girl. She's an international fashion designer who runs her own brand. She went to Paris for a month-long conference so it's hard to contact her. I'm not too fond of using Kakao or Facebook to communicate because it isn't the same as the real deal.

 

"Okay fine, let's go. I do miss that party-animal. Plus, I know that you want to see a few people, right oppa?" I teased.

 

 Yixing has many high school friends too. He hung out with a core group of twelve guys back then and they were basically inseparable. They would do everything together and yes that included sharing the same bed too. The difference between my friends and his was that he saw them often while I only had Seohyun. But I guess his friends became my own too.

 

"Oh my wonderful fiancée, thank you! We'll have fun, I'll make sure of it. You won't be disappointed!" He thanked, while giving me a soft peck on my lips. Yixing is sweet and he'll always know how to make me happy. Not that I take his sweetness for granted as I spoil him too. Just like me agreeing to go to this event. It's for him.

 

"What happens if it isn't all that fun then? How are you going to make it up to me?" I joked, playfully.

 

"I'll make it up to you...in bed." Sometimes my fiancée can make myself cringe and blush at the same time. It's a weird charm that I fell for.

 

"YAH! ZHANG YIXING!" I yelled, as I gave him a hard slap on his arm.

 

"You know you love it." He whispered as he leant close to my neck, which sent tingles down my spine

 

Sincere advice, a soft whisper and a sweet kiss was all it took for me to agree with Yixing oppa to attend this reunion. The way he put it made it sound like it might not be a horrific night after all.

 

 

 

It's 6:59pm. Yixing and I arrive at the Rooftop Bar in Cheonchamdong just on time with one minute to spare. We are punctual like that. Walking arm in arm into the function room, we see a banner that reads: 'Seoul High 10 Year Reunion'.

 

It hit me. It has been ten (eleven for Yixing) long years since we were ambitious and naive high school students. Ten years since we started dating. Time surely flies by quickly. I feel nervous from winding back the years and taking a trip down memory lane. All those people in there are from my past that I have left behind.

 

I firm my grip on Yixing's arm; making him wrap his arm protectively around my waist. Words didn't need to be exchanged. He'll always make me feel safe beside him.

 

The first person from the past appeared in front of our two eyes. Dressed in a classic and sleek LBD with leopard printed killer heels is our infamous Vice President - Choi Sooyoung. Soo-god was what we used to call her. She still had those slim, long legs that were to die for and her hair still looked as divine as it ever did. It's no wonder that she's a supermodel. And it's no wonder that my fiancée's body is getting tensed at the sight of her.

 

"Kaeun-ah! Yixing oppa! Welcome! It's been too long!" Sooyoung beamed as she threw her arms over both of us for a tight hug. She's always been vibrant like this.

 

"Soo-god! How are you these days? You know, living in the high life and all." I joked as we pulled away. It looks like my fiancée is still in awe of her beauty. I'm cool with it since he used to like her before he met me. He asked her out once and she rejected him, insisting that it was best to stay friends. Now he's her biggest fan as well.

 

"I've been great, of course. But sometimes work does get tiring and stressful. How about you, Yixing oppa?" Sooyoung said, while patting Yixing on the back. Yixing finally got a hold over himself and smiled at Sooyoung. He's so cute like this.

 

"W-we haven't been better! We just got engaged about a month ago. So we're really happy!" Yixing stuttered. He faces me and looks at me tenderly like I'm his treasure or something. He basically screamed 'she's my fiancée' to Soo-god with his action. I love it, just because it's him.

 

"Oh yes, how can I forget? Congratulations to our favourite high school couple! You finally did it Xing oppa. It took you a while." Sooyoung teased as she nudged Xing oppa playfully. 

 

"Uh-yeah, thanks, Sooyoung-ah." We thanked giving her a slight bow.

 

"Righty-o, please go ahead and get the party going! I'll see you guys after I get all the guests in!" Sooyoung said as she leads us into the bar.

 

"Honey, are you okay? Did you get a little flustered there? Hah, you're still the same Soo-god lover boy from eleven years ago." I asked jokingly while ruffling his hair.

 

"Who got flustered? I did not! Stop ruining my hair and let's get a drink. God, I need one right now." Yixing said, bringing my hand away from his semi-perfect hair, which showed his gorgeous forehead, and into his own hand.

 

We walk towards the bar and we see more of our former classmates there in their own cliques. Most of the girls dressed nicely with elegant and pretty cocktail dresses. Though the girls who were deemed as popular wore dresses that can't be any shorter. The guys scrubbed up neatly, but the football jocks wore their most likely branded dress shirts with the first five buttons ed. Some things never change. Like Yixing wore his dark blue, Armani shirt with the first three ed. He looks classy and hot, not like some womaniser.

 

But amongst the group of football jocks, there was one exception. A guy of medium-short height stood firmly with only one button loosened; accompanied by a French style bow tie. He was clearly the second most handsome guy in the room. The guy with high cheekbones. The guy whose lip ends curved upwards. The guy who used to love me. The guy who I first rejected. That guy is Kim Jongdae.

 

And he is standing to my best friend, the 'always busy' Seo Joo Hyun.

 

"Jongdae-ah! How are you, my dongsaeng? Look at you now, you're a handsome solo artist!" Yixing said. 

 

"Yixing hyung! Aniyo, you're bigger than I am!" Jongdae said. He pulled Yixing in for a bromance hug. They used to be quite close since they were both interested in music; as Yixing loved dancing and composing while he loved to sing.

 

Then his eyes diverted to mine.

 

My senses are quickly disappearing. My body is stiffening. Kim Jongdae still had the same impact on me.

 

"J-jongdae." I said, softly as Yixing tightens his grasp on my hand.

 

"Hi Kaeun, it's been a while hasn't it?" Jongdae said confidently. I finally looked up at him. All I see is his warm, kind and friendly expression from his eyes. I could tell everything from the way his eyes looked.

 

"H-hi. It has... I've missed you." I said, rather awkwardly. Memories of the sweet and the sour are pouring into my mind. From the first day I met him to the day he confessed to me; and back to the day that I first had given up. I tried to prevent myself from spilling everything that has been bottled up inside of me. But it has just taken five minutes before the leakage is confirmed. I’m in a mess, and I’m sorry for it.

 

"Aigoo, I've missed you too, Fishy. Hyung, may I?" Jongdae confessed and asked Yixing for permission. His arms are open in the friendliest way possible, welcoming me in; drawing me towards him. To want to feel that feeling of being held by him is undeniably present. I want to give into him. I really do miss Kim Jongdae and the way he called me by my nickname (It’s Fishy because I apparently pout a lot when I’m angry or thinking hard and I look like a goldfish). But I cannot get too ahead of myself. This is purely because we haven’t seen each other in so long. We are merely just long lost…classmates.

 

I also take a glance at Yixing, who took his time to react to Jongdae’s request. By the time he registered what the real situation is he nodded kindly.

 

“Go for it, Jong.”

 

Jongdae envelops me into his arms. I take a deep breath before comfortably wrapping my arms around his waist. God, it's been ten years since I felt Jongdae's warmth. It feels nice, and only nice.

 

I place my head onto his shoulder slightly. I feel, no smell, something very familiar. It is the scent of Jongdae’s hair. It is the same sweet scent as before.

 

I pull away from his embrace and flicker my eyes at him with my judgmental face on.

 

"Still using that cherry blossom shampoo of yours, Chen-ssi?" I asked curiously with raised eyebrows.

 

“Of course. Even though I'm 'Chen' now; I still smell and look the same." Jongdae explained without any shame. I feel less nervous after the hug. My nerves has finally calmed down as I realised that Jongdae hasn’t changed one bit. He isn’t as confronting as I anticipated. Thank god for that.

 

“Heh, that's because your fiancée still sends him a bottle each month." A familiar voice laughed from behind. I turned around to see who it is and it is indeed my best friend - the ‘always busy’ Seohyun.

 

I giggled to myself at Seohyun’s lame remark before taking a glance at my fiancée who just shrugged while placing his arm over the cherry blossom lover himself.

 

"Seo Joo Hyun! Aish, my girl! You haven't called in ages!" I yelled before attacking Seohyun with my arms.

 

"It's only been a month, Fishy." Seohyun nagged.

 

“Still! How was London? Did you meet any yummy CEO's at the conference?" I asked nosily. Seohyun had gone to London for a month-long conference or course and I’m sure she attracted a lot of attention from highly positioned personnel, considering she has the body, the looks, the career and the personality that fits any guy’s ideals.

 

"Well I--" Seohyun said before someone cuts her off.

 

"They are all at least 10 years older than her. Plus they are like wrinkles galore." Jongdae said in obvious jealousy.

 

"Hah someone's jelly!" Yixing blurted. Oh goodness, I’m about to die in embarrassment. It is something that only my Zhang Yixing oppa would say.

 

"Seriously jelly?!" We all whined. Yep, we are still judgmental towards our loved ones.

 

"Honey please. You aren't 18 anymore. Don't forget that!" I gave Yixing a wake up call. But like he’d listen to my whining.

 

"Okay, sorry honey ~" Yixing cooed as I try to maintain my cool. I don’t want my best friend and my first love to see me melting like cheese in front of them.

 

"Oh god, I need a drink!" Seohyun said as she rolled her eyes and walked towards the counter of the bar.

 

"Right back at you honey!" Jongdae cooed with much more oomph than how Yixing said it to me, if that was even possible. It’s good to see that he’s still a prankster. Even with his ex-girlfriend.

 

"Dream on Jongie. Still thinking about the goddess in me every night for the last 3 years to make yourself sleep better?" Seohyun joked with a dash of sharpness. I look at Yixing as he looked back at me and we just stood there laughing our heads off at the two bickering kids. They are such dorks. It's hilarious.

 

Seohyun and Jongdae used to date. Their relationship was split in two periods, lasting four months in total. They had first gotten together after high school ended, coincidently after our decision was made. But they had broken up because of them going to different universities. It wasn’t until seven years after that where they had gotten back together through hooking up at some mutual friend’s party.

I heard from Seohyun that the long distance issue was one of the main reasons that she and Jongdae had left each other. She told me that it was a clean break up in the end. I never actually saw them together, though. I almost avoided it and Seohyun knew that although I supported her relationship, it was still awkward for me. I guess it’s just a case of best friend blues.

 

 

"Two Lychee Martinis, please." Yixing can drink but he's an avid lychee lover. One likes the smell of cherry blossom in his hair and the other drinks Asia-tropical cocktails. My fiancée and Jongdae have always been manly like that.

 

"Make that three, on me, Jongin-ah" Sooyoung suddenly appears out of nowhere and hands the bartender her card. This is nice of her.

 

“Oh, thanks Sooyoung.” Yixing and I thanked the Vice President.

 

“No problem,” Sooyoung acknowledged before handing over our cocktails.

 

"Cheers! One-shot for old times' sake?" Sooyoung raises her glass and we gladly pop up ours too.

 

“Let's do it.” I stated before we all skull our Lychee’s. Ah, the sweetness of the Soho is delightful. I surely needed that.

 

"Ah, Yixing oppa. You're still a lychee man, I see…" Sooyoung said, giving Yixing a nudge. Here comes the Soo-god at work, flaunting her naturally flirtatious nature.

 

“And you're still a durian lady. The sharpest, sweetest and smelliest.” I mumbled.

 

Yixing’s cheeks are starting to turn pink. He can’t be blushing? That vodka sure works fast. Now his dimple is showing too. Ah, this is hilarious and priceless to see Yixing like this. I’ll let him have some fun tonight.

 

"Honey, I'll let you catch up with your Soo-god for a bit then. But girl, put on that cardigan over your cleavage please. Please keep my tipsy fiancée’s eyes off them okay? I'll be back." I announced considerately, which Sooyoung gave me the thumbs up. I trust Yixing oppa. He's loyal and a laughing drunk. Danger level: zero, with some humour.

 

"Neh, honey! Bye, I'll be a good boy!" Yixing nods rapidly like a little boy who just got given his cookies. Man that Jongin bartender must've ramped up on that lychee liquor.

 

I walk off to leave the two to it. This is a reunion, anyway and this is probably the last time that Yixing will have his own freedom before the wedding. I’m joking…not.

 

I roam around the room in attempt to find Seohyun but she’s nowhere to be seen. It’s really dark in here and my eyesight is poor without lighting. Walking past a few couches and tables, I see Jongdae sitting in one area, alone.

 

I decide to walk towards his table as I brush aside any strange feelings from spilling further out of inside of me. Getting closer, I see him drinking a couple bottles of Soju. This is nothing for Jongdae. He used to be an alcoholic tank.

 

“Kaeun-ah…where’s Yixing hyung?” Jongdae looks up and asks.

 

"I'm letting him chat up his beloved Soo-god for the last time before we get married. Aren't I a considerate fiancée?" I giggled as I pointed at oppa and Sooyoung at the bar playing Kawibawibo. Jongdae chuckled.

 

“Join me, Fishy?” Jongdae offered the seat next to him. Is he really doing this? I know I shouldn’t think too much about it but I still feel perplexed.

 

"I-uh," I can’t help but to stare at him, seeing how much he’s grown and changed since the last time I saw him. His facial features are still the same but his face seems more muscular. He also has dark hair that is spiked up, unlike those neat bangs he used to sport. He used to be the cute type. I admit that he looks so much more charming now. Fame sure does wonders to people.

 

"Come on, chingu-ah, quickly." Jongdae asks once more, with his same-old friendliness. We really weren't friends; at least before tonight. We spent ten years without talking. Not even during the four months that he was with Seohyun. So I can’t pinpoint what we are at this point, other than being first loves.

 

But I agreed anyway. It is just a friendly chat. A harmless catch up. A chance to maybe, become proper friends again.

 

“Sure.” I said as I sat myself next to Jongdae, with a considerable distance of course.

 

"Congrats for your engagement. Sorry I'm a bit late...I kept on forgetting to ask Seo for your number," Jongdae congratulated with a slight squeeze on my shoulder. His touch has always been tender. I haven’t been craving for it, but I’ve missed it. However the funny thing is, that I haven’t even changed my number since forever. I guess he tried to cover up the lack of communication; I don’t blame him because I did the same.

 

"I'm happy for you two; after all these years." Jongdae acknowledged.

 

"Thanks, Jongdae-ah. Hah, I never changed it. Pass me your phone." I said with a grateful smile. I entered my phone number into his phone.

 

"Thanks, Fishy."

 

I hand his phone back to him and skull down a shot of Soju that he poured for me.

 

The awkwardness is returning. We are smiling, but almost forcibly since we are both lost for words. Or at least I am. I don’t know if it’s the way Jongdae’s lip ends curves upwards or how the ends of his eyes get crinkled whenever he smiles; I can’t help but to admire the smiling, sweet Kim Jongdae. His happy effect still impacts me as a grown woman.

 

To break off the silence, I ask: “So, where did my best friend go?”

 

“She’s feeling up some guy’s thighs on the dance floor.” Jongdae muttered. He sounds annoyed, pissed even.

 

"The party animal is alive again. All hail Seo Joo Hyun!" I joked, as Jongdae stays still with his eyes fixated onto her. I can see that he still had feelings for her, or at least he cared deeply for her. I wondered if he still cared about me? Don't kid with yourself, Lee Kaeun. It's been a decade and if he really wanted to see you again, he could have. We have been so close yet so far. Why am I caring so much anyway? It's just Kim Jongdae. Chen. He is harmless.

 

"That girl never stops..." Jongdae shakes his head in slight disappointment.

 

 

“Yah, do you still love my best friend?” I nudged Jongdae playfully.

 

“I just worry about her.” Jongdae states.

 

"Kim Jongdae, you can't deceive the mighty Fishy!" I said in disbelief. There is definitely going on between the two.

 

"Still self-praising yourself, I see?" Jongdae said. He has gotten tougher to break over the years. I guess he has to since he needs to deal with the media everyday.

 

"True fact." I nodded.

 

"But Kaeun-ah. I have never loved Seohyunnie. She's like a beautiful angel from above who is my ideal type. I liked her for a long time. I liked her for her kindness...but it was never love for either of us." Jongdae revealed. What on Earth is he saying? It was never love between them? That’s pure bull.

 

“Heh the Soju must be talking. Stop trying to cover yourself up, Jongdae. It’s just me." I laughed his revelation off. I hope he’s joking. No I’m praying that he doesn’t mean what he just said.

 

"I'm serious, and I'm only telling you this; since you are important to both of us." Jongdae assures once more.

 

"Wait, so those few months...did you... The two of you were together just for ? How dare you Kim Jongdae! She even agreed to it?" I worked it out slowly and now I feel like punching him for playing with Seohyun or allowing her to play with him. I don’t care how it is because it isn’t right.

 

"Yah! We actually did date! Movies, riding couple bikes along Han River, shopping - we did it all too...." Jongdae confessed shyly. I guess he did make an effort to make Seohyun happy. To the minimal extent.

 

I’m in shock, so I just want to pile on the shots of Soju. Jongdae follows suit.

 

We start to talk about normal life things such as about work, about Uni, about our families and even about electronics. Jongdae tells me about his career, like I don’t know about it already because he is always on radio and broadcast. Hell, I even know about his musical debut in Japan because he is always on the news. He’s apparently releasing a new album and announcing a concert soon and he asks me to convince Yixing to help him make a hardcore choreography for his first dance track. The poor guy still thinks that he can dance like his idol days.

 

“So, will you and Yixing attend my concert at the end of the year?” Jongdae asks with bright eyes. How can I not agree?

 

“Of course, we wouldn’t miss it.” I said sincerely.

 

Jongdae suddenly leans closer towards me, with a rather intense gaze on my eyes, opposite to his kind one just a few seconds ago. I think he’s getting tipsy.

 

"Kaeun-ah. Do you want to know something?" Jongdae whispers into my ear.

 

"That you're drunk and your fans would come and 'take' you home?" I take a wild guess.

 

"Most of my fans are mothers, and no I am not drunk." Jongdae said.

 

"Then...?"

 

He breathes in before opening his mouth.

 

"I have never stopped--" Jongdae pauses as a squeak interrupted him and I feel like mountains have left my shoulders and heart.

 

The squeak was from Sooyoung. She is carrying Yixing oppa. Thank god for my fiancée’s perfect timing. I shrug away from Jongdae immediately and got up to take Yixing out of Sooyoung’s arms

 

"Honey...please don't go." Yixing muttered weakly before being knocked out. Great, he’s totally drunk and unconscious.

 

“Oh my god, he tried to kiss me because he thought I was you! Then he started to mumble... He only had 3 more Lychees! Damn Jongin's fault. Sorry, Kaeun-ah." Sooyoung said apologetically.

 

I feel Yixing’s forehead and it’s burning hot. He’s sick.

 

"Don't worry Sooyoung-ah. He hadn't eaten dinner yet, that's why. I better take him home. Sorry for leaving early." I said nicely, since it wasn’t her fault that Yixing’s tolerance was so low tonight. I felt sorry for her since my man was uncontrollable.

 

"No problem! I hope oppa feels better soon. We should catch up again, minus the alcohol, of course! Sooyoung said with her big smile. Ah, she’s a nice girl.

 

"Sure. Thanks dear. Sorry for my drunk fiancée trying to hit on you again." I thanked.

 

" I kinda missed it." Sooyoung teased, making my blood boil a bit.

 

"Yah, Choi Sooyoung!" I exclaimed.

 

“Just kidding. Oppa is all yours. Remember to invite me to the wedding!" We’ll see about that Soo-god.

 

"Okay. See you Sooyoung-ah." I bid her goodbye and my random burst of anger disappears.

 

I bring Yixing back onto the couch so I can collect our belongings.

 

“Kaeun-ah, let me accompany you.” Jongdae offers or rather demanded.

 

“No, it’s really fine. I got him. You should take Seohyun home.” I said but Jongdae just ignored my suggestion.

 

“No, I am taking all of you home. No more buts. I’m going to grab Seo and let’s get going. Hyung is sleeping.” Jongdae insisted before running onto the dance floor. I spot him finding Seohyun, who was grinding along with a few young boys, probably around 21 years old. He snatches her hand away from the young boy’s not before giving him a death stare.

 

We get into the parking lot, as Jongdae’s manager picks us up. We decided to head to Seohyun’s house first since it’s the closest and is only fifteen minutes away.

 

I close my eyes for a short while since it is so silent in the car with two drunken people and two rather uncomfortable people. Closing my eyes makes things less awkward.

 

Arriving at Seohyun’s house, Jongdae carries her to her front door. Her mother opened the door and she was visibly excited to see Jongdae giving her daughter a brief kiss on her forehead. Anyone’s mother would love to have Jongdae as their son-in-law.

 

I look closer at Jongdae’s expression, and he’s obviously happy. Even though he says that there was never love between him and my best friend, what I see now on the sidelines is something close to it. They just haven’t realised it yet.

 

 

Reaching home after ten minutes from Seohyun’s house, Jongdae helped me to carry my sleepy Yixing into the house and up the stairs. This is very gentleman-like of him but I guess I don’t expect anything less. He’s always been caring towards his friends, especially Yixing.

 

“You go shower first. I’ll wait for you downstairs.” Jongdae said, before making his way down. He still wants to tell me something. It’s probably about Seo.

 

Stepping into the shower, my mind ponders back to what happened earlier. I’m trying to analyse how he talked about his actual relationship with Seohyun. I’m not jealous, just shocked. I thought they were serious since Seohyun seemed like she was whenever she mentioned him on the rare occasion. I want them to get back together in a way, but my heart still remains a little hostile. I know I am crazy for being possessive over someone who was never mine. But it’s hard to forget the time that I used to like him. Love him, even.

 

I finish my shower and quickly dress myself in my tracksuit instead of my cute, Tom and Jerry pajamas. Out of courtesy, of course.

 

I walk downstairs only to smell something scrumptious. I smell cheese. I step towards my kitchen to see Jongdae cooking. Kim Jongdae is cooking in my house. I wouldn’t have ever predicted this.

 

“Cheese ramen…you remembered?” I asked as I sat myself at the breakfast bar.

 

“Yes, of course. Only a weird girl like you who only loves eating cheese like this.” Jongdae said sweetly. I’m touched that the guy remembered after so long. He knew all my perks and virtues inside and out.

 

Jongdae finishes cooking two bowls for ramen and places them onto the bar. I am sharing a bowl of ramen cooked by the famous Chen, or the kind-hearted Jongdae. I’m happy since I’ve missed hanging out normally with him like this. It’s too late to deny missing the guy now.

 

“How long have you moved in?” Jongdae asked.

 

“About 6 months after proposal.” I answered quickly before shoving my hungry face into the noodles.

 

“How did he do it?”

 

“Well, we went to Paris on a holiday and during the last night we went to visit the highest point of the Eiffel Tower. He played a song on his piano and proposed with the usual question…” I explained before shortening the full story. I don’t know why but I feel slightly guilty for sounding so happy talking about the proposal. Jongdae isn’t smiling at this moment, and I’m afraid.

 

"I'm truly happy for you. I knew from day one that Yixing hyung is the perfect guy for you. Match made in-- no by me, Chensus." Jongdae responded, trying to tease me but failed miserably. He is upset. I can sense it.

 

“Jongdae, I…”

 

“Don't apologise. It has nothing to do with you. It's all me. It's my fault that I still haven't stopped loving a woman for the last 12 years." He...still loved me? After all those years? He can't, he is lying. He has fallen for Seo and I have Yixing oppa. That gaze isn't going to impact me again. It cannot. I forbid myself from allowing it to take over everything I have established in my heart.

 

"Jongdae...we can't. We couldn't back then and certainly not now. I'm engaged." I said with sorrowful eyes.

 

"To my beloved hyung, who I introduced to you. I didn't expect you to fall for him at all back then. I thought, I believed, I claimed you as mine." Jongdae said with tears forming in his eyes. Seeing him cry for just the second time, my own tears were falling down from my cheeks.

 

"Jong...please don't do this. I thought we were over this..." I pleaded.

 

"I thought so too. I thought Seo was enough but she wasn’t. It all came to me when I saw you walk through that door. I realised that my feelings never left." He confessed with a painful expression. He didn’t want this to happen either. I could tell. But his feelings that have been bottled up for just as long as mine have exploded. And I’m here trying to keep my lid tightly shut on mine.

 

"But you never fought for them! Ever! You clearly knew how much I used to like you. You knew how much I used to.... you didn't even try. I was never yours, Jongdae-ah. Even until the last day; you still stood frozen in your place." I confessed truthfully.

 

Jongdae and I were never together. We were each other’s first loves. I had fallen for him first but he didn’t even notice a thing until much later. He even pushed me towards Yixing. By the time he confessed his feelings, mine were long gone for him and I was already seeing his hyung. Things were stalled as I rejected him. The last chance for us was on the last day of high school, where Yixing was about to ask me to be his girlfriend; a year after he graduated. Jongdae was right there, and when the question was asked, I even stared at him for what felt like the longest time ever. He walked away. He walked away from me. It was all over and that was the last time I saw him.

 

So, why is he like this now?

 

"I knew it all. I'm a coward. A sore loser who was never in the game. I couldn't answer your question back then but I can now." Jongdae assured. He grips onto my shoulders tightly. I try to shake him off, but to no avail.

 

"You still can't. It's too late… I love Yixing and I have never stopped for the last decade. I am going to marry him. So Jongdae, please. Don't make this harder for me." I confessed while starting to sob. I don’t want to hurt Jongdae again. I don’t want to ever see him cry again. He deserves to find his happiness. He deserves to let go of the past. We both do.

 

Jongdae stares into my teary eyes with his own before shutting them and pulling me into his embrace.

 

"I'm so, so, sorry Kaeun. I went out of line. I am the one who is meant to be the mature one. The wiser one. But I just couldn't --" Jongdae is crying hard right now. He’s falling apart because of me. I can’t let him break completely. I can’t forgive myself if I don’t help him. He’s too important to me.

 

"Jongdae, listen to me. The love you have for me, the love I have for you will probably never go away. We are each other's first loves. But that love is different. It's familiar. It's from the past. Sometimes it may shine a little but it will eventually fade back into the flesh," I explained from the bottom of my heart, before the crying man interrupted me.

 

"No. It's not like that. At least not for me. I've been with many women but the image of you still appears in my mind. It's because I truly love you. Simple but you just can't see it. You never have." Jongdae assures again. He has always been so persistent. He may still love me at this moment and maybe I too. It’s not true that I haven’t seen him love me. I sure have before. Just at the wrong time. I was too late to realise and waiting became a game that I gave up on.

 

“Jongdae-ah. At first I was the same. You'll find someone who will love you,"

 

"I can't give you that. No matter how much I wanted to before. A lot has changed since high school. I am so sorry, Jongie.” I said, as I his cheek.

 

"I just wanted to hear it from you, one last time. I'll always love you. Lee Kaeun. But I know how much you love Yixing hyung. Seeing the way you stare at each other, the way you call honey... I knew it already. Soju must be taking its toll on me. You do have a spare room right?" Jongdae concedes, only just. My heart is aching too, especially because he’s trying to laugh the pain off.

 

Jongdae’s eyes fell onto mine once again. His eyes then fluttered towards my lips, and back up to my eyes. I know what he wants. That is, one last goodbye. I nodded my head slowly.

 

Jongdae closes the gap between us as I close my eyes lightly. He presses his thin lips onto mine ever so softly, giving me a long, tender and innocent kiss. I can feel every ounce of lust, pain and love at his touch. This is the first and last time. It truly is.

 

"I'll always love you too, Kim Jongdae." I confessed, as we share another tight hug.

 

Our tears have finally stopped as we manage to break away. The pain in Jongdae’s eyes has lessened. I’m relieved.

 

"Jongdae-ah, will you still sing for my wedding?" I asked as he walked to the front door.

 

“Will you allow me not too?” Jongdae scoffed.

 

“True. Promise me first?” I let out my pinky finger for him to promise me. I know it’s hard to make promises now, but I just want to let him go on a lighter note.

 

“Promise.”

 

“Jongdae, please be okay.” I said at the last moment, as Jongdae leaves with a brief smile.

 

With his last smile, I can feel that he’s letting go, just like I am. Or at least he is heading to that direction, even though he doesn’t quite know what happiness looks like. There is a bright-eyed party animal with lavish brown hair waiting for him. I know that someday, it will work out for Jongdae, Seohyun, Yixing and myself.

 

I walk upstairs back into the room to change into my nighty. I see Yixing sleeping soundly in bed like an angel. His sleepy face is flawlessly divine. He still manages to look so handsome with his eyes closed and mouth opened with drool falling down the side. I turn off his bed light and walk to my side of the bed. Suddenly, Yixing pulls me into his arms at an instant. I almost yelp in surprise. I thought that he’s asleep. He’s such a trickster.

 

“D-do you want to call it off?” Yixing asked with his eyes wide open. He must’ve heard everything with Jongdae before. . But really, he’s silly for asking this.

 

“He said he loved me ever since Grade 10. But he loves you more.” I said while his hair.

 

“Don’t leave me. Don’t go back to him. You need to make me hangover porridge!” Yixing said cutely. Okay, he’s still a little tipsy.

 

“Okay, my fiancée,”

 

“He kissed me, by the way.” I confessed teasingly which made Yixing shot up rather violently.

 

“What! I am going to kill that Chen guy!” He yelled like a drunk lunatic.

 

I grab him back down onto the bed through locking him with my leg strength. I start to kiss him passionately and hard, to let him know that the kiss before was not like our steamy, romantic kisses at all. I pull away from my dazed Yixing. I place his hand onto my chest, to allow him to feel my heartbeat.

 

“Can you feel it, Yixing? It wasn’t beating this fast before. Do you know why?” I questioned the droopy man.

 

“Why?” He asked while caressing where my heart lies. His touch makes me feel like I’m crumbling like pastries. I feel jittery, but I loved it whenever he did this.

 

“It’s because I am madly in love with you, Zhang Yixing, my soon-to-be husband.”

 

“Right answer. You’ve always been mine, and will be forever. I love you, Lee Kaeun.” Yixing said before claiming my lips like he always have.

 

…