A/N Okay so this wasn't at all how I wanted i to be. It's only like 6,700 words.

*unedited because im too lazy to edit and my computer is freezing or asianfanfics is freezing. it always freezes when i make long chapters as and i just want to flip tables.

*Sorry this too by the way;;

 

When she had first met Lu Han she had thought he was absolutely stunning. The second time she met Lu Han she thought he was absolutely lovely, and so on and so forth each time she saw him.

The last time she saw Lu Han, she thought he looked absolutely lonely.

 

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 

-Oscar Wilde

 

"In your opinion what does it mean to be in love? What does it feel like?"

Lu Han paused and stared at the audience and then at the MC.

To be in love? What did it mean?

"Have you ever been in love?" The announcer asked after getting no response from the deer-like celebrity. "Surely at your age of 29, you've at least experienced some kind of love?"

Again Lu Han sat there, staring into the dark abyss that was the audience. Who all looked like hungry wolves waiting for him to talk about his love life. His private love life. But he guesses that is what he gave up the minute he signed that contract to be a singer.

Lu Han gave up some of the most important things to man kind, his soul, his mind, his friends, his love. He was no longer himself, could no longer do what he wanted. He was just another puppet, among the many that SM Entertainment had. He had sold his soul to the devil, someone he had once known told him.

"It isn't fair." His friend had told him, a sad frown adorning their face. "Just because you followed your dreams doesn't mean you should be a puppet for someone else."

"I know." Lu Han had responded sadly, "Don't I know. But I'm already in too far in the business. I can't back out now."

 

"Lu Han? Lu Han? You with us?" Than MC asked, waving his hand in front of Lu Han's face and snapping him out of his haze.

"Oh yeah, sorry." Lu Han apologized.

"Probably reminiscing about his past love. Am I right?" The MC asked chuckling and giving Lu Han a small nudge.

"Yeah." Lu Han said, giving the audience and MC a small smile. "I guess I have been in love."

"What was it like?" The MC asked eagerly, his voice b with excitement knowing he was about to get news that would make headlines for months.

"What was it like?" Lu Han repeats, a sort of dazed expression on his face. "It was..." he says slowly, "Painful."

"But your first love is always painful isn't it?" The MC asked, "I remember my first love." He said, a goofy smiling on his face. "It was with a foreign exchange student from Berlin, blonde and foxy, but a little too adventurous for my taste. Broke my heart at the age of 18 when she left to go back to Berlin. Telling me she couldn't continue this long distance relationship. It hurt, but I got over it. Good thing too, or else I would have never met my wonderful, and dashingly beautiful wife, Bora." The MC said, flashing the camera a wink.

The audience awed, and Lu Han smiled.

"But enough about me. What was yours like?" The MC asked.

"Well, she wasn't exactly my first love. I loved someone before, but they weren't really the right person for me. I didn't realize I loved her until it was too late." Lu Han said sadly, "She had already left."

"Well why didn't you go after her?" The MC asked, "Like in the dramas?"

"I was scared I guess. I had only just begun in the entertainment industry and I had done a lot of things, many things that I probably shouldn't have done. I wasn't allowed to date, but I did anyway. I dated someone I thought loved me as much as I loved them. I was in-or I thought I was in a stable and healthy relationship, with a job that paid the bills, and I guess I was too scared to risk it all. I thought I'd end up getting hurt, and lose everything I worked so hard for." Lu Han said.

"I see the entertainment industry is quite a bit of work." The MC said nodding his head in agreement. "I remember the first time I..."

The MC continued talking, but Lu Han heard nothing. He stared out into the audience, the celebrities beside him, the staff backstage. He couldn't focus, couldn't stop thinking about the one question the MC had asked earlier.

"In your opinion what does it mean to be in love? What does it feel like?"

Like you're being ripped in two, like all you think, hear, and say is their name. When you get butterflies in your stomach, and they never seem to stop fluttering. When your heart races at lightning fast speed and your face turns red at the littlest of things. When your heart breaks at the sound of their cries, and your lips turn up in a smile at the sight of their happiness.

Love is an incredibly painful, but lovely thing. Something you only get one chance at. Maybe two if you’re lucky. But that rarely ever happens.

So what was it like? To have loved, and to have lost? To have been so close to the definition of happiness, only to have it slip through your fingers, because of some stupid thing you used to think was so important?

What was it like to have loved and to have lost?

They were both the most horrid and most beautiful things Lu Han had ever experienced.

 

Five years previous

January 1st, 2008

"Hello everyone. This year we've got a very busy schedule so I'd like to introduce the new interns that will be with us this year. They will be here to help, and to learn what the entertainment work place is like. So be on your best behavior! And yes that means you Eunhyuk! I don't want you teaching the interns any of your shenanigans!" The director yelled at a skinny blond, with defined and toned abs.

"Hey!" Eunhyuk yelled, "Why is it whenever there's trouble it's always me that gets blamed for it? It's Kyuhyun who's the trouble maker. Not me!"

"What me?" Kyuhyun said, putting a hand to his chest in mock hurt. "That offends me deeply."

"You two cut it out. Didn't you just hear the director? Be good examples." Their manager scolds. As an intern walks timidly over.

"H-hi. My name is C-choi Youngdo. I've been told I'll be your assistant for the year. It's a pleasure to work with all of you." Youngdo bows sharply, a little too sharply. Making him use his index finger to slide the glasses up the bridge of his nose, to prevent them from falling off. 

Eunhyuk and Kyuhyun snort at the intern, instantly labeling him as a nerd, and too low down the food chain to work with them.

"Aw man," Eunhyuk complains, after their manager left to go show their intern the ropes. "why'd we get stuck with the loser?"

"Yeah, can't we get some hot chick? Like that one over there." Kyuhyun complains, and points over to what looks like a girl in her early twenties, with long black hair cascading down her back, and large innocent looking eyes, fitting into a perfectly small heart-shaped head. She was absolutely beautiful.

"She looks lost." Donghae says, looking over at the girl.

"Yeah, well maybe we should help her find her way then?" Eunhyuk says with a smirk as he walks over to the girl, shirt ed, and flashing abs.

"Oh boy, this'll be great." Donghae mutters as him and the rest of Super Junior sit back and watch Eunhyuk make a complete fool of himself in front of the intern.

"Hi there." Eunhyuk says, smirking down at the girl, who looked back up at him with a smile. "What's our name?"

"Park Sumin." She replies and extends her hand out, "What's yours?"

"W-what?" Eunhyuk splutters, "You don't know my name?"

Sumin shakes her head, "Sorry, I went to study in America for a while. Haven't really been updated on any of the latest news."

"Oh well it's Eunhyuk." He says, taking her hand and shaking it. "Remember it well."

"Um, okay?" Sumin says, giving him a look. "I'm actually looking for someone though."

"Oh, well I know basically everyone here. Tell me who it is and I'll bring you to meet him or her." Eunhyuk says.

"Oh it's...one second I have the paper right here...or somewhere..." Sumin says rummaging through her bag. "I swear it was in here."

"Ah! Here it is!" Sumin says at last, pulling a piece of paper out of one of the many pockets in her bag. "It's Lu Han. That's a boy I think."

Eunhyuk snort, "Yeah, it's a boy. Or at least that's what they say. But I wouldn't be too sure."

"Why not?" Sumin asks giving him a confused look.

"Well," Eunhyuk says, a smirk adorning his face as he leans down to whisper in her ear. "I hear he likes men."

"So? Is that not common in Korea?" Sumin asks, still confused.

"Is it in America?"

"Slightly. Increasingly more so now." Sumin says.

"Well it's not here. Especially for people like us." Eunhyuk says, emphasis on the word "us."

"People like 'us?' What do you mean?" 

"I mean us, celebrities. If we're not allowed to date girls, just imagine how scandalous it'd be for us to date someone of the same gender." Eunhyuk said, "It wouldn't be pleasant. It could be a career ruiner."

"Well that isn't too fair is it?" Sumin says. "Shouldn't you be allowed to date whoever you want?"

"Ha, yeah that'd be great." Eunhyuk says, "But unforunately for us, this isn't some child's book with magic fairies, there are no mythical creatures like unicorns, and there definitely aren’t any happily ever afters. This is the real world, and in the real world, you do as you are told. Your company tells you to not to date, you don't date, they tell you to diet, you diet, they tell you to jump off a bridge, you do it with a smile."

"That's extremely unjust." Sumin complains.

"That's the entertainment business for ya, sweetie." Eunhyuk says with a shrug. "Fame and fortune come at a price."

"Eunhyuk, over here! Manager wants us." Donghae yells ushering Eunhyuk to join them.

"Well see you around maybe, if I haven't scared you too much that is." Eunhyuk says with a grin.

"I don't scare easily." Sumin says, lifting her head up a bit, trying to look taller and to show she wasn't intimidated by him.

"That's good to know." Eunhyuk says, a slight smile on his face, as he walks away.

 

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” 

-Andre Gide, "Autmn Leaves"

 

"Um excuse me," Sumin says, finally mustering up the courage to talk to one of the stage crew members. "I'm looking for a Lu Han?"

Sumin had been wandering backstage for at least 15 minutes after Eunhyuk had left here there to find him on her own. She was a bit shy, and naive. She believed things too easily, and too quickly. Her mother told her to be careful before she had left for the internship, telling her not to believe everything that she is told. "You're too easily manipulated." Her mother had said, as she said goodbye. "I just know you'll come back with tears in your eyes, and then I'll have to tell you I told you so."

So Sumin was being very careful not to believe what others said. Which is why she chose not to take in anything that Eunhyuk had told her earlier, she was going to forget it and pretend it never happened.

I'm not going to go back home. I'm not as naive as she thinks. It's ridiculous how much she babies me. Sumin thought, completely zoning as the stage crew man in front of her was giving her instructions that would lead to her Lu Han's dressing room.

"Uh, wait repeat that please?" Sumin asks, her cheeks reddening in embarassment. "Sorry I zoned."

The guy gives her a look, but repeats himself anyway.

"Thank you, really thanks a lot." Sumin said bowing as she ran off towards the direction of Lu Han's dressing room.

Sumin, you can't be zoning. This is serious business and if you screw this up you'll be living in your mother's basement for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?

 

"You're late." Were the first words that came tumbling out of Lu Han's manager's mouth as he saw the panting and out of breath Sumin enter the dressing room. "And you forgot to knock too. What if Lu Han was ?"

“Sorry.” Sumin panted as she leaned against the wall for support. “I was just late and-“

“Late you are is correct. You were supposed to be here 15 minutes ago? Got distracted by all the male celebrities around you I suppose. All the young female interns do.” The manager says in annoyance.

“No sir, that’s not why-“ Sumin starts to say, but is interrupted.

“Well let me tell you young lady, if it’s the male celebrities you are after go find another internship. I don’t want some flimsy bimbo as my assistant.” Lu Han’s manager states angrily, glaring at Sumin.

“Excuse me sir, but I’m not some flimsy bimbo,” Sumin says offended, “and I wasn’t late because I was distracted by some male celebrities. I was late because I was lost, and didn’t ask anyone for directions. So I apologize for being late, but I think you should also apologize for calling me a flimsy bimbo. Sir.” She says, and she squeaks out the ‘sir’ for good measure, just in case he’s a sensitive guy and would fire her.

Lu Han’s manager just stares at her, his mouth slightly agape, in a very unattractive manner. There’s an awkward pregnant silence between them. Sumin with her still heavy breathing from running and yelling, and the manager with his open mouth.

Fortunately for them, a loud laugh interrupts the silence. Sumin turns and sees a boy who looks to be the age of 14, with platinum blond hair that’s styled up, doe-like eyes, and a single skull earring on his left ear, that seems to ruin the whole innocent appearance. Sumin thinks he’s cute, and that he oddly reminds her of her younger sister, Aerin.

“She sure told you.” The boy laughs, and Sumin wonders if it’s ‘bring your son to work day.”

“Is that your son?” Sumin asks, not really thinking any of this over. Or looking at his chair, or mirror, or bag, that all specifically say “Lu Han” on them.

The little boy lets out another laugh, and shakes his head. “Nope, he’s just my manager.”

Sumin’s eyes widen in surprise. So does that mean he’s Lu Han, the singer? He looks awful young to be a singer.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be a singer? Don’t you parents worry?” Sumin asks.

“I don’t think you’re ever to young or old to be a singer.” Lu Han says with a smile, “But just out of curiosity how old do you think I am?”

“Uh,” Sumin says pausing to think.

If I guess too high will he be mad that I guessed too high or happy that I think he’s more mature looking for his age? But what if I guess too low?

“Uh, how about 16?” Sumin says, guessing a little higher than she initially thought, and praying that she at least got somewhere close to his actual age.

Now it’s Lu Han’s manager’s turn to laugh. “16?” He says, “Do you know anything about Lu Han?”

“Uh a little?” Sumin says. But really she knows little to nothing. “I know Lu Han’s a boy, he’s not your son, and that he’s apparently not 16. Did I guess too high?”

This only leads Lu Han’s manager to break out into hysterics, gripping his stomach, while tears roll down his eyes in amusement.

“I’m actually 24.” Lu Han says.

Oh. Well I was sort of close, but not really.

“But hey, most people guess 14 or 12 so I guess I really should thank you for guessing so high.” Lu Han says, and his eyes crinkle around the edges and Sumin thinks it’s just so…so…breathtakingly stunning. She’s barely met Lu Han, and knows absolutely nothing about him, besides the obvious. But she knows that she without a doubt will come to like him.

The first time Sumin met Lu Han, she thought he was absolutely stunning.

 

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” 

-Jess C. Scott, "The Intern"

January 15^th, 2008

The second time she met Lu Han, she thought he was absolutely lovely.

After being stuck in bed with the flu for the past week, and getting numerous ‘get well soon’ letters from a certain boy named Lu Han. She finally dragged herself out of bed and down to the SM entertainment building.

“Hello there Sumin,”  Lu Han says, the same crinkly-eyed smile he always seems to wear, the one she loves so much. “how are you today? I heard you caught the flu for the past week, which is why you couldn’t join us. Which was such a shame, I wanted to spend more time with you.” Lu Han says with a pout, that could make even the Grinch smile, and give an aw.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for all the letters by the way.” Sumin says, telling herself it was worth getting out of bed today because she got to see Lu Han and his smile that could melt the whole arctic.

“But don’t worry. I got you a lolly as a ‘Welcome to the company!’ gift.” Lu Han says handing her a rainbow swirl lollipop. “They’re my favorite kind, rainbow flavor.”

“What does rainbow flavor taste like?” Sumin asks, as she has never had one before. Only seen them in the candy shops she walked by when she went to the boardwalk with her mother.

“Sugary!” Lu Han says happily. “Like really sweet and delicious sugar!”

“Isn’t all sugar sweet?” Sumin asks.

“Not that fake stuff, like the Splenda. That stuff is gross.” Lu Han says, and he takes out another lolly. “And look, I got one for myself too! We’re matching.”

Sumin smiles, and praises the heaven for having such a kind person to intern for.

“Sumin?” Lu Han asked looking at her expectantly, after a couple minutes had gone by of lollies. 

“Hmm?” She answers.

“Is there anyone you like?” Lu Han asks, and Sumin nearly chokes on her lolly.

“Are you alright?” Lu Han asks, startled at the reaction he got from asking a mere question.

“N-no. I mean yes of course I'm alright, but no I don't like anyone at the moment. ” Sumin says, face reddening a bit at her dumb reaction.

All he did was ask a simple question and he’s already got me floundering like a fish out of water. This is a great way to impress your boss.

“Oh. I see.” Lu Han says thoughtfully, as he continues to on his lolly.

 

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” 

-Chuck Palahniuk, "Invisible Monsters

 

Sumin knows she’s not supposed to fall for her clients, or soon to be clients, or people she works with. But with Lu Han, Sumin just can’t help it.

She finds herself accidently falling for him on the 20^th of February, in 2008.

Today was the worst for Sumin. She had fallen down her apartment stairs and scratched a gigantic hole through her stocking and because she was running super late she didn’t have the time to go all the way back up to the 12^th floor and change. So she ran to the bus stop, only to have it come late, making her late for her job here, at the shoot.

“Why you look terrible.” Lu Han says, as he spots Sumin coming through the doorway.

“Gee, thanks. You look great too.” Sumin says, slumping against a chair.

“Hot choco?” Lu Han asks, ing out a cup at her. “Hot choco always makes me feel better.”

Sumin smiles and takes a sip.

“Mhmm this is good.”

“You think so? I made it myself,” Lu Han says proudly, “with a little help from the keurig of course.”

Sumin smiles, “It’s still really good.”

“Thanks.” Lu Han says taking a seat beside her.

“So,” Sumin says, surveying the team setting up equipment. “What are we doing today?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that? You’re my assistant manager. You’re supposed to know these things.”

“Wellll,” Sumin says, “I may have accidently, maybe purposely fell asleep on the phone last night when your manager was talking to me.”

“How’d you manage that?” Lu Han asks, chuckling.

“I don’t even know.” Sumin huffs, “One second I was on the phone with your manager, the next my face was stuck to the table and your manager was no longer on the phone.”

“Is it bad that I can actually imagine your face being stuck to the table?” Lu Han asks.

“Yes,” Sumin says as she takes another sip of her hot choco. “incredibly.”

They sit for the next 20 minutes talking over hot choco, their laughs and giggles resounding off the walls. Until the director yells at them to get ready.

“Okay places everyone!” The director yells at everyone. Sumin stands at the side with the rest of the stage crew and makeup artists. While Lu Han stands in front of a green screen dancing, and lip syncing to the music.

As Sumin watches Lu Han dance and lip sync, they catch eyes for the briefest of seconds, but that’s all it takes for a small smile to appear on both Lu Han and Sumin’s faces. Which will forever be imprinted in the music video. Sumin knows that when the music video comes out she’ll stop the song at 0:26 seconds and remember this moment.

The moment that she fell for the singer named Lu Han.     

She barely notices the other figure dancing with Lu Han. Tall, with chocolate brown hair, olive skin, and a face and body that screamed danger. Yet no one could resist.

Sumin didn’t notice the awkward glances, and subtle touches, that flew between the two. She didn’t notice the slight blush that painted across Lu Han’s face as he came back from dancing.

She didn’t notice the background dancer’s eyes never leaving Lu Han. But maybe she didn’t notice, because she never looked anywhere other than where he was. All she saw was him. And it blinded her of her surroundings.

 

"Love it’s a dangerous thing. It will take away your sight. It will show you only what you want to see. It will blind you of all the wrong doing. It will lead you like a sheep to your death. It will intoxicate you, and drown you until you can no longer breathe. Love, it will be the death of you, and me."

-JKL

 

Over the next few months Sumin realizes that she can't keep her feelings hidden forever. That she must tell Lu Han how she feels.

She realizes this, when she wakes up an hour early every morning just to  pick out an outfit to wear, and still manages to sometimes be late because sometimes it takes longer than an hour to prepare.

She realizes this, when she’s around him, and finds it hard to breath, like theirs a weight on her chest, and a million butterflies in her stomach.

She realizes this, when she sees starts noticing the tiny, little things he does. Like pick up trash, take a fan gift secretly, or help an old lady carry her bags. She finds almost everything he does so cute and endearing. Almost.

She realizes this, when she feels sad, and lonely when he’s not around. When she finds herself on the verge of tears, because she sees Lu Han doing drugs, and when Lu Han gets sick, because of the drugs he’s taking. And when she sees Lu Han’s tear stained face begging her not to tell anybody.

She realizes that she’s too deep in love to do anything and that even if she wanted to turn him in she couldn’t.

So she does it, she confesses. It takes everything she’s got inside of her, as she confesses trying not to stubble over her words.

“I-I like you.” Sumin stutters out bluntly one afternoon after a shoot when they and some of the background dancers at the shoot decided to go out to get coffee.

“Uh sorry that was lame. Can we forget that I just did that? How about you go back outside and then come in and pretend like I didn’t just confess that badly and I’ll come in and re-confess everything, hopefully more perfect this time? Because I just really, really like you and I just want everything to be perfect. But nothing is going quite how I planned it to, and I suppose it’s the nerves. I mean look at me. I’m shaking.” She says and sure enough she is. Her palms are sweating, hands shaking and her knees are clacking together.

“I just, I don’t know really wanted to tell you that I like you a lot, maybe even love. Wait is that going too far? Sorry, was that a turn-off? Wait, no forget I said that. Of course it was a turn off. Sorry, um, if you’re not ready for love yet then forget I said that, but um, yeah sorry this wasn’t how I wanted to confess.” Sumin gushes out quickly. “Gosh, I’m such an idiot.” She mutters as she bends down her head in embarrassment.

This was not how she wanted to confess. She wanted it to be sweet, and cute, but this? This was all going so terribly wrong. And Lu Han wasn’t saying anything. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

“Sumin…” Lu Han says quietly, and Sumin already knows what he’s going to say before he says it.

“I don’t like you that way. Sorry if I led you on like that.”

Sumin doesn’t look up; she doesn’t want to look up. She knows that if she does and sees his face that’ll she’ll break down into tears, and she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want Lu Han to think this affects her as much as it does. She doesn’t want him to think of himself as the bad guy, because he’s not, she knows he’s not.

Finally she manages to croak out a feeble, “It’s fine.” as she looks up to meet eyes with Lu Han. She hates how pained her voice sounds, how she can already feel the tears b her eyes. She hates how she wants to run away and hide like a little girl.

“Sorry.” Lu Han mumbles out, his eyes cast down at the ground. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Sumin wonders if this is what love feels like.

Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Like your heart is being ripped in two. Like you want to cry so bad and so much but your sobs become stuck in your throat. When it hurts to breathe and hurts to think. When you want someone so bad all you can do is think about them 24/7. When your lips know nothing other than their name, and your ears hear nothing other than their voice. And when every love song you listen to reminds you of them. Except, they're a love song you'll never get tired of listening to. Is this what it feels like to be in love?

She's left to wonder if maybe she had waited a bit longer would he have said yes? Or would the answer still have been no?

 

“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.” 

-Nicholas Sparks

 

Sumin doesn’t know what to do. She’s been sitting at home for the past couple days on leave for being ‘sick’.”

“Hot Choco always makes me feel better.”

She decides to get some hot choco at the nearby café, but not because of Lu Han, or that’s at least what she tells herself.

It’s to clear my mind. Not for Lu Han.

But apparently fate is not on her side. When she gets to the café, ordering a cup of hot choco, while she sits in the corner of the café concealed by a big brush; she spots someone. Somone she so desperately wanted to avoid.

Lu Han.

He’s covered in clothes, probably to hide his identity. A scarf and shades covering most of his face. But the thing that stops Sumin from getting up and running away is that he’s not alone. He’s with someone.

Tall, with olive skin, and a face that screams danger. It’s that dancer, what was his name? Kai.

Sumin finds it hard to breathe as she sees them sitting down at a table from across the room.

They look close.

“I hear he likes men.”

So Eunhyuk was right. So that’s why. He could’ve just told me, would have saved me a lot of heartbreak. Sumin thinks bitterly, as all hope of him ever liking her back dies.

He’ll never like me back. I’ll just have to face the sad reality. Eunhyuk was right; this isn’t some child’s book. There are no fairies, no mythical creatures, no happily ever afters.

It hurts the most when she takes a quick glance in their general direction and sees them making out. It hurts that she can’t have who she wants to desperately.

Sumin doesn’t notice she’s staring until she finds a pair of dark looking eyes stare back at her, and then a startled looking pair of doe eyes.

 

“Sumin, what are you doing here?” Lu Han whispers, after having walked across the room with Kai.

“I-I just wanted some hot choco. It makes me feel better…” Sumin manages to mumble out.

Lu Han sighs, and sits down, Jongin right by his side. “Please don’t tell anyone. You know what this would do to my career right?”

Sumin nods, and chokes a bit on her spit when she sees Kai not so nonchalantly nuzzle his face into Lu Han’s neck.

He could at least be a bit discrete about it when I’m here.

Lu Han sees the pained expression on Sumin’s face and tells Kai to knock it off. “Not here.” He mumbles quietly.

Not here, so you’ll do it elsewhere?

The thought is enough to make Sumin break into tears again, but she doesn’t not with Kai around. He gives her an uneasy feeling. Not just because he has no sense of discretion, but also because of the looks he gives her. Looks of hate, looks that could kill, literally.

“If this got out it could ruin my career, and Kai’s. So please, Sumin don’t tell anyone. I’ll do anything.” Lu Han says, a look of desperation painted over his face.

“You don’t need to give me anything. I won’t tell anyone.” Sumin says, and pains her to know that Lu Han didn’t know that.

I’d do anything for you.

“Thank you, Sumin. Thank you so much.” Lu Han says gratefully, flashing her a smile, that makes her stomach do backflips.

Stop it. Stop smiling at me, acting nice. Stop it all.

“Yes, thank you Sumin.” Kai adds, a slight smirk on his face, as if he knew it all. Knew that she would do anything for Lu Han. “Let’s go babe.” Kai says, pulling Lu Han out of his seat.

 “Be careful.” Sumin says quickly as Kai starts to pull Lu Han away.

“What do you mean?” Lu Han asks, planting his feet on the ground and stopping Kai from dragging him away further.

Kai sends Sumin a dirty look but she ignores it.

“Just, please be careful.” Sumin says desperately, because the way Kai is looking at her makes her uneasy, even more so the way he looks at Lu Han.

“Alright, I will. You too, okay? Take care of yourself.” Lu Han says, and Kai drags him away quickly.

 

“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” 

-Jodi Picoult

 

The next time she saw Lu Han she thought he looked lost.

“Did he do this to you?” Sumin had asked when she saw the first bruise.

“Did who?” Lu Han asked pretending not to know.

“You know who. Did he?” Sumin repeated. “Lu Han I want to know did he?”

“He was drunk, and high Sumin, he didn’t mean to do it. He loves me.” Lu Han said defensively, “He wouldn’t hurt me intentionally.”

“Well obviously that’s a lot of bull, look at this bruise. Lu Han he’s hurting you, and you’re letting him. Why are you letting him?” Sumin asked, trying to knock some sense into him.

“Because I love him.” Lu Han states simply. “I love him, and he loves me. I’d do anything for him.”

Sumin shuts up after that, because she knows. She knows what it’s like to be in love. It’s a lost cause to try to knock sense into someone who’s deeply in love.

Lu Han avoids seeing her after that, which you would think would be impossible considering she is the assistant manager but Lu Han finds a way. He tells his manager to send her on long, far away errands. Sumin doesn’t mind too much. She needs a little break herself. She’s tired, and realizes that the entertainment industry isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s full of corrupt, biased, erts, who only care about money. It makes Sumin sick to her stomach. Maybe she should have listened to Eunhyuk when she had the chance.

 

“I used to imagine adventures for myself, I invented a life, so that I could at least exist somehow.”

 

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 

The last time she saw Lu Han, she thought he looked absolutely lonely.

It was a cold April 2^nd evening, and the forecasts said that a snowstorm might come in later that day. Which everyone thought was quite strange. It seemed that for once, fate was Lu Han and Sumin’s side.

 

Lu Han had showed up at Sumin’s apartment that evening, snowstorm blowing in the wind, and covering him head to toe with snow.

“H-hellooo,” Lu Han slurred, as he stumbled through the entryway. “Ah, surprise!” Lu Han said throwing his hands up excitedly in the air.

“What are you doing here?” Sumin asked, grabbing a blanket for Lu Han. “Our schedule’s been canceled because of the storm. Why were you outside? Are you crazy? You could catch a cold.”

“Yeah so? So what if I’m crazy. So are you.” Lu Han shouts at her. “You’re crazy for doing all this.” He says gesturing with his hands. “Do you know how messed up I am? All the crazy and stupid I always do?”

“Yes, I am aware.” Sumin answers.

“Of course you know,” Lu Han says, “you always clean up my messes. I’m actually not even that drunk right now. I just wanted an excuse to come over and say completely stupid things. You know I wish you reported me for the drugs.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to get caught. I was so freaking tired of living like, like this! But then when you caught me, fear over took everything and I chickened out and asked you to cover for me, and you did. You should have turned me in.” Lu Han mumbled.

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to.” I mumbled back.

We sit in silence, thoughts and questions flooding my mind.

Why did he come to my house?

“Why aren’t you at Kai’s?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant, and like I didn’t have the care in the world. But we both know I did.

“You were right about him.” Lu Han said quietly. “But I can’t leave him.”

“Why because he loves you and you love him-“ Sumin starts angrily.

“No, because I just can’t. I don’t know how I feel anymore. He obviously doesn’t love me. But it’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever had-“

“Well that’s not good.” Sumin interjected.

“I don’t want to get hurt.” Lu Han says softly, “I’m just so sick of this, of everything. I want to just get up and leave everything behind.

“Then do it.” Sumin says, “You know I’m sick of this place too. How about we leave together?”

“What?” Lu Han splutters. “We can’t I still have a contract and you an internship.”

“We’ll just go somewhere far.” Sumin says, getting up and going to her room. “Come on Lu Han, run away with me. We can make a better life for the both of us.”

Lu Han shakes his head, giving her an uneasy look. “I don’t know.”

“Come on Lu Han, I’m not asking you to marry me. You don’t have to like me, just run away with me. It’d be like an adventure.” Sumin says excitedly, throwing clothes into her suitcase. “I’ve always wanted to go on an adventure.”

“Sumin,” Lu Han says, putting a hand gently on hers to stop her from packing anything else. “I can’t leave Kai.”

“Can’t?” Sumin asks, “Or won’t?”

“Both.” Lu Han says, twiddling his thumbs. “I don’t want to lose you either. You’re my best friend and-“

“It’s okay, Lu Han. You don’t have to run away with me. It was just a suggestion. But I’m afraid I’ll be leaving. I can’t stand it anymore. This town, this job, the entertainment business, I can’t stand it. I mean look at you.” Sumin argues, “You’ve been into their corruption. You’re doing drugs, drinking, and Kai, I know you’ll hate me for saying this. But he’s not a good influence on you.”

“I know.” Lu Han says, looking down at his feet. “But I can’t leave him, I won’t.”

“Well, I guess I have my answer then.” Sumin says sadly, as she shuts her suitcase, and heads out the door.  “Goodbye Lu Han.” Are the last words she speaks to him as she takes one last disappointing look at Lu Han, who’s left sobbing miserably in her hallway. He looks up at her through his tears, and attempts to give her one of his crinkly-eyed smiles, she loved so much, as he waves goodbye.

It’s then that Sumin realizes, as she grabs a taxi to the airport, Lu Han’s face still etched in her mind, that the crinkly-eyed smile he always wore, and the one she loved so much, wasn’t really his real smile. That it was instead a cover, a mask, for something so much more dark, and lonely. And that maybe Lu Han wasn’t ever really happy, or at least not when he had known her. It is then that her once happy and seemingly perfect life came crumbling down on top of her.

Nothing is perfect, no matter how perfect it seems.

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'”

-John Green Leaf Whittier, "Maud Muller, Pamphlet"

Lu Han realized a little too late that a tiny bit of him did like, maybe even love Sumin, but she was nowhere to be found. He searched for months, until one day he finally came across a clue. It was written on the side of the café that Sumin and him would always go to. It read,

“The first time I saw you, I thought you were stunning. The second time I saw you, I thought you were lovely, and every other time after that. But the last time I saw you, I thought you looked absolutely lonely. I hope you find what it seems you've lost. Best of wishes.
-the girl who does not wish to be found.”

Lu Han guesses he deserves this. To forever be burdened with the fact that he knew the one he loved would never be with him again. That he left the one person who ever knew him, ever loved him slip right through his fingers.

Lu Han is left with the harsh and bitter knowing of what might have been. For he could have had the most spectacular and joyous life with Sumin, but because he let her go for someone he didn't truly love, we will never see this might have been. 

For Sumin, will be a song he’ll never stop singing.

 

 

A/N Comment please and tell me what you think^6^ Sorry the ending was choppy and it doesn't match the description at all. I actually wasn't even going to start this until like June, but someone commented and told me there were excited so I started and I'm sorry for ruining your idea of this story.