I met him when I was 13 through a guy. He seemed so mysterious, so dark and it was something new to me. I was young and I didn’t know how to think. I spent nights with him and it was all fun. But then things started to get serious. I started to get hurt every night, be it physically or emotionally. But I can’t stop because he was so addictive. I never expected myself to be caught in this kind of mess. But it didn’t seem that big back then. It was all roller coasters and ferris wheels.

A year has passed and I’m 14. I met another guy and we both got together. ‘He’ stayed away at first but as the relationship started rocking. He came back into my life again. I would spend nights talking to him. But I’m not as stupid as last time. Though I still get hurt by him emotionally, but never physically. I knew he was bad for me. My boyfriend made me stop seeing him, I was reluctant at first. I knew that some part of me needed him but my boyfriend’s words had truth in them that can’t be denied. But even my boyfriend couldn’t keep him at bay. It was hard and ‘he’ constantly became the topics of our fights.

In the end, after 9 months of fighting, we finally broke up for good. And as expected, he came right back into my life. I was really cautious of him so I tried not to be alone with him. Nobody knows who he is and that he actually plays a big part in my life. You could say that he made me who I am and without him I wouldn’t know myself. I didn’t want to give him a chance back into my life again. I wanted rid of him. So I started searching for love. I mixed with everyone hoping to find someone. I thought I found him but he wasn’t the one.

His constant bugging has got me letting him in again. I am weak against him but anyone would be if they knew who he was. But I never once regretted knowing him. He is a reminder of my identity. This was when I was 15. You can truly call this the age of uncertainty. I didn’t know what I was doing and why. I felt a like a little play thing for my crush that time. He flirted and played with my feelings like it was an amusement park. But we’re on good terms now. I had a (kind of) major exam that year. I got 6 A’s and 1 B. It was awesome. But as the holidays started, he came back again. You can almost say that he is a seasonal friend. He never liked bright places and upbeat music.

He started to turn me into someone like him. The holidays ended and he is still visiting me regularly. In fact 2012 has been filled with his visits. He was there when I broke up with someone (and vice versa). He was there when I was feeling frustrated because of my exams. 2012 was a hard year for me. I had to adapt to new subjects and new ways. It was completely different from what I’ve experienced when I was 15. I wanted help and he was there for me. 2012 passed and it was near the end of the year. My mother had to go to India for a month. I was lonely but I had him. He kept me up at night but I somewhat felt safe in his embrace. Like nothing really matters in this world anymore. After one month of this, I have finally realized that he had a somewhat permanent place in my heart, mind and soul. And he had gotten less mysterious as well. I knew ways to handle him without hurting myself any longer. But what bothers me is that I still don’t know his true identity. It actually bothers me very much but I had better things to worry about. I just let everything slide.

2013 came and it went smoothly. I had lots of fun with my friends and the discovery of the group BigBang but I had my moments too. He visited me a lot sometimes but other times, maybe once a month? He came to me every day on the last week of a major exam. By then I still did not know his true identity and how much hurt it would cause me. I didn’t know why I was so angry and irritable on the last day. I wanted to let out all my frustrations on something. I never had the chance to. SO I kept it in. Two weeks had passed and everything looked so very very dark. I spent some time with my friends for Zu’s birthday on the 12^th. It was a nice feeling, catching up and getting to meet them again. But something happened and I was left feeling very much frustrated.

My night visitor came again that night. My 17^th birthday was filled with sorrow that was unexplainable. But that was when I finally discovered his real identity. I was not shocked but actually relieved. It was fine. Everything was fine from then on. But he would keep pestering me like a fly. I wanted him gone but at the same time, heavy hearted. He who has been with me for 5 years… It’s hard to get rid of someone you’re attached to. But all he does is feed on my unhappiness. His presence is manifesting inside me, spreading like forest fire.

I only talked to two people about this. I thought I was alone. But it turns out that they met him before as well. Such a small world. They encouraged me to talk to my mother about it. I tried but she thought that I was too lonely and said that he was a figment of my ever stretching imagination. I know he’s not.  He came again that night. I wanted to push him away. But I fell right back into his arms almost effortlessly. He again fed on my unhappiness.

It’s been a week and things were normal. I can’t say that I’m happy. I went through some rough patches earlier and he visited again. I have to fight back. I cannot be so weak any longer. I cannot be in his clutches anymore. I’ve got my dreams to live. But I’m scared. Scared that when he leaves, I wouldn’t know who I am anymore. Afraid that he will hurt me physically again. I’m scared. Somebody please help me. Save me from him. Save me from Depression.