The Christmas Years

(Note: Inyeon is a destiny that ties people together Koreans believe in)

Heung Soo was six when he stopped believing in Santa Clause. It wasn’t because he figured out how silly it was to think a fat man could fit down a chimney (they didn’t even have a chimney), or because reindeer don’t really fly. No, it was his father who told him. He’d really wanted a remote control car for Christmas but his mother had told him she couldn’t afford it. He’d said that was fine, because Santa could get it for him instead. His father had snapped that Santa wasn’t real. His mother had been furious that he’d said that. Heung Soo was devastated. It started a huge argument that left him sobbing, his sister failing in her efforts to console him as the house was filled with angry voices. His father had left that day, though of course at the time Heung Soo had no idea that would be the last time he’d see him. He blamed himself later on. It was all because he wanted that stupid toy. His mother told him it wasn’t his fault, that their break up had been a long time coming. He didn’t believe her.

~*~

Nam Soon was nine when he stopped believing in Stanta Clause. By that age he was already doubting his existence, but it was a nice thought to hold on to. A small piece of magic the world would celebrate together, a time everyone was meant to be happy (and the presents were a big bonus too!). But that Christmas was different. His mother was dead and his father was near catatonic he was so drunk. He’d woken up that morning whishing for that Christmas magic – to walk out his room and see his mother alive and well, laughing happily while she handed him a present and wished him a merry Christmas. For his father to smile brightly and pick him up in his arms after giving his mother a kiss. Instead he had walked into a bare room, no lights or tree or decoration, no presents, just his father passed out drunk on the floor, a strong smell of alcohol and urine dirtying the air. Christmas was forgotten that year.

~*~

Heung Soo and Nam Soon were fourteen when they didn’t care about lost childhood faith anymore. They created their own Christmas magic. The sun had set hours before and they had been walking back to Heung Soo’s house for the night, treading through the snow and making dumb jokes. They stayed close, arms around each other’s shoulders, getting far more warmth from each other than they could possibly get from their thin, ragged coats. Heung Soo had been talking about football, a common conversational topic for him, when Nam Soon had grabbed him by the coat, pulled him chest to chest and kissed him right on the lips. Heung Soo had been so surprised that when it was over a few seconds later and he took a step back, he tripped himself up and fell down into the snow. Nam Soon had laughed, scooped up a handful of snow and threw it in his face with a “happy Christmas, bastard.”

~*~

They were nineteen when they rekindled that lost flame. It was their first Christmas together since they were fifteen and this time it was Heung Soo who kissed Nam Soon. It was imperfectly perfect. Nam Soon had chapped lips from the cold and Heung Soo bumped his head on a cupboard door. It’d been so long ago that either had felt the press of another person’s lips (always and only each other’s) and the angle was awkward – they almost missed. But it was breathtaking and heart stopping and everything cheesy Christmas movies taught you it should be. There were no words spoken, there didn’t have to be, they simply fell into each other and lost themselves in the moment. It was warmth and protection and friendship and love and promises of forever, expressed through gentle hands on skin and whispered words as they joined as one with soft moans and lasting caresses. It was a day neither would ever forget.

~*~

They were twenty-six when Nam Soon returned from the military. That Christmas night was spent in passion. It was hard and rough and soft and loving, frantic movements and languid . It was a reunion and a renewed promise. The last time they’d be apart – that’s what they promised each other under the sheets, bright lights wrapped around the rows of trees outside shining on them from the frosty window. But before that, that Christmas day, they laughed loudly and held on to each other with the rest of their lives ahead of them. They made crazy, disgusting drinks that smelled rancid and tasted even worse, daring each other to drink them. They exchanged presents and teased one another over the gag gifts, pretending that was all they bought each other before pulling out the real presents. The kind that turned those amused smiles soft, into ones of care and contentment. It was the best Christmas yet.

~*~

South Korea legalised same- marriage when they were thirty-three. That Christmas they got engaged. It wasn’t a grand affair, it was simple but beautiful. Out in the open, under the stars, wrapped up in heavy coats and scarves and mis-matched gloves as snow fell down around them, wetting their noses as their eyes misted with tears – that was a moment that would last forever, trapped in their hearts and minds. They clung to each other tightly with watery smiles, their pasts and futures caught between them; inyeon neither would ever wish to fight. It was beautifully romantic and dramatically sappy and if their younger selves were able to see it they’d probably want to burn their eyes out, but that didn’t matter because they were taking the next step. Soon they wouldn’t just be another couple, they’d be married, a legally binding contract that would present to the world that not only were Go Nam Soon and Park Heung Soo in love, but that their love was finally accepted.

~*~

At forty-two they spent Christmas arguing. It wasn’t even over anything big. It was just one of those silly little issues that get blown far out of proportion. Afterwards they wouldn’t even remember what it was about. It was a Christmas that they regretted partially, because even then it had its positives. Being apart under all the bright lights, sat alone brooding and nursing a few too many soju bottles as the day wore on into night while happy couples walked passed hand in hand and children ran by with their new toys; it made them realise once again just how precious the other was. Both silently vowed to never again spend a Christmas apart. So, sure, it wasn’t the best day of their lives, in fact both would regret it, but it sealed a promise of togetherness and made the next Christmas just that much more special. That Christmas was a learning experience that taught them something far more precious than a school or university ever could.

~*~

Aged seventy-eight was their last Christmas together. They didn’t know it, but it had been a good one, and so there were no regrets. It was warm and bright, family and friends around. Kids playing and adults reminiscing, remembering their own excitement on this day all those long years ago. Heung Soo caught a cold and Nam Soon kept on piling him up with cough meds and warm drinks, fussing over him like only a person in love could. They reminisced and laughed joyfully about all those long Christmases ago when they’d had their first kiss and Heung Soo had been so surprised he’d fallen in the snow. With soft smiles they remembered the awkward perfection of the Christmas they became a couple again – this time Heung Soo banging his head (it seemed to be a running theme). They thought back with secret smiles to the young passion and burning fire of the Christmas Nam Soon returned from the army, truly an unforgettable night but not one to share with the family. They looked at their wedding bands, hands clasp together and eyes shiny when they thought of the Christmas they got engaged. They didn’t put too much thought into the Christmas they argued, but they were still thankful that it brought them closer because if they hadn’t argued then, what if they did now? At their age you can’t miss a moment, you have to spend every waking moment loving your other half with your entire being because you don’t know how long you have left with them.

And so that Christmas, just like every Christmas, that’s exactly what they did. Go Nam Soon and Park Heung Soo spent their last Christmas in love.