Chanyeol sighed, rubbing tiredly at his forehead with one hand. The other one was in his coat pocket, clutching a small black box tightly. He glanced up at the large post clock next to him for what felt like the millionth time since he’d gotten there. It read 9:37. It was Christmas Eve, and he’d been there for nearly two hours, sitting on a bench in the small plaza in front of the theater. It had started snowing about thirty minutes earlier and everything was already covered in a thin layer of white, adding to the festive atmosphere. The fountain in the center of the plaza had been turned off for the winter and draped in soft, blinking white lights, with matching decorations adorning the small trees around the area. It was a beautiful sight, especially in the moonlight, and Chanyeol wished he could enjoy it as much as the couples who were strolling around. Instead, he was alone on one of the most romantic nights of the year, waiting for someone who was never going to show up. He knew he should just give up and go home – it was getting really cold – but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. This was his last chance, his last hope of fixing the biggest mistake of his life, and he couldn’t just let it go that easily. He couldn’t let Baekhyun go that easily.

They had first met at that very theater six years ago, on a night quite like this one. It had been cold even for early December, flurrying sporadically all day, and Chanyeol was working an extra shift due to the concert that night. It was a holiday performance by the university’s choir group, or so the thousand flyers pinned up around campus said; all it really meant to Chanyeol was a night working when he could be studying for the three tests he had next week. Not that he could complain too much, since it also meant extra pay. His scholarships paid for tuition and dorm fees but left him with little extra cash, so he worked part-time at the theater to cover food and other expenses.

That night he’d been on cleaning duty, tasked with the wonderful job of sweeping up the hallways before the audience was allowed in. It was boring work, but easy enough, and it was better than working the box office. Chanyeol was usually fine dealing with people, but there was always some middle-aged woman with a ridiculous complaint who always had to be right, and he didn’t envy whoever had the job of handling that tonight. Especially with it being a university event – that meant a lot of proud mothers who would fight for the best seats to coo over their children from. With that in mind, Chanyeol hadn’t grumbled about his assignment too much, simply putting in his ear buds and settling in to play janitor for the night.

He’d been at it for around thirty minutes, absorbed in the music and his work, when something collided with him and knocked the broom from his hands. Chanyeol stumbled back a few steps, but didn’t fall; the person who had run into him did, however, and he instinctively reached out to catch them. He managed to snag the guy’s wrist and pull him forward just in time to stop him from hitting the ground. The other man smiled gratefully, instantly launching into apologies.

“Thank you! I’m so… sorry. Wasn’t watching… where I was… going,” the man panted, bending over with his hands on his knees once Chanyeol let go of him. He looked to be about Chanyeol’s age, though Chanyeol could only really see caramel colored hair peeking out from beneath a bright red beanie. The guy was bundled up for the weather in a dark grey jacket and a fluffy scarf that matched his hat, hiding most of his features. He straightened after a few seconds, and Chanyeol’s jaw almost literally dropped. Wow, he was cute. And short, Chanyeol’s brain noted. His face was flushed – probably a combination of the running and the cold – and his lips were slightly chapped, but if anything that just made him look more adorable. The smile he offered Chanyeol was bright and breathtaking, and his red-tipped nose and small, almond-shaped eyes were just as endearing. “I’m, uh, kind of late for rehearsal. Sorry, again.”

“I – yeah, it’s okay, no worries,” Chanyeol replied, grinning. So, cute guy was part of the choir. He probably should have been at least a little bit angry at nearly being knocked over, but it was difficult when his heart was fluttering for other reasons. “I guess you should get going then?”

“Yeah, right,” the man agreed, nodding to himself. He started to walk off, and Chanyeol was already cursing himself for not asking for a name, but then he paused and turned around, brow knit in confusion. “Um… I think I took a wrong turn somewhere. Do you happen to know how to get to the backstage area?”

“Sure,” Chanyeol said with a laugh, and explained the best route to get there. “Got it, or do you need me to show you?”

“Oh, it’s fine, I’m sure I can find it now!” The man replied, though he seemed a bit unsure. Chanyeol was only slightly disappointed, really. “Thank you so much uh… sorry, I didn’t get your name?”

That perked Chanyeol right back up. “I’m Park Chanyeol. And you?”

“Byun Baekhyun,” the man, Baekhyun, answered, smile somehow growing even brighter. Baekhyun. Yeah, Chanyeol thought, it seemed fitting. “Anyway, I should really get going. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?”

“Yeah, sure...” Chanyeol was sure that if Jongin had been there, his roommate would have forever about the dopey expression he wore as he watched Baekhyun walk away.

Typically Chanyeol didn’t pay much attention to the concerts or shows he worked, content to listen to his own music and drown out the rest of the world (unless he was on customer service duty, of course). But that night he couldn’t resist the urge to take a quick break to listen in, and he told himself it wasn’t just an excuse to maybe catch another glance at Baekhyun. Not at all. Not that he expected to be able to see him from his spot in the very back of the performance hall anyway.

Except he did, because halfway through the song, none other than Byun Baekhyun stepped forward for a solo. Chanyeol’s heart leapt into his throat in both surprise and anticipation, and he wondered if Baekhyun’s voice was as pretty as his face. He was not disappointed. The group had sounded nice for sure, harmonizing with each other flawlessly throughout the song, but Chanyeol forgot all about them when Baekhyun opened his mouth. His voice was strong, projecting throughout the theater with a slightly raspy quality that sent a shiver down Chanyeol’s spine. He nailed each note, trailing off with a softer line that was just as emotional as his power vocals before rejoining the rest of the choir. Chanyeol could only stand there in awe for a few minutes, until a co-worker tapped him on the shoulder and told him to stop gawking. He cast one last glance at Baekhyun, who was singing his chorus parts with just as much passion, before finally tearing himself away from the performance.

At the end of the night, Chanyeol made his way backstage. He knew it was stupid, especially since he wasn’t really allowed to go back there if he wasn’t working there, but he couldn’t just let Baekhyun go and risk never seeing him again. The choir members were surrounded by a swarm of family and friends congratulating them and it was hard to see much of anyone, but eventually Chanyeol spotted him just off to the side. Unlike most of the others, Baekhyun was standing with only one other person, a shorter man (actually, he was about Baekhyun’s height) with dark hair and incredibly wide eyes. They were talking animatedly and Chanyeol hesitated, unsure if he should interrupt. After a moment he decided to just go for it, steeling his nerves as he approached.

“Hey, Baekhyun!” He called once he was close enough, causing both men to turn their heads towards him. Baekhyun’s friend stared at him as if he were judging his worth right then and there. It made Chanyeol very uncomfortable, but he tried to ignore it.

“Oh, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said, eyebrows raised in surprise. “What are you doing back here?”

“Well, I just – I heard you sing,” Chanyeol stuttered, realizing belatedly how creepy this probably was. “I heard part of the performance, and you were very good. I just. Wanted to tell you that. Yeah.”

“Thank you, that’s very sweet,” Baekhyun said, rubbing at his neck sheepishly. Chanyeol was pretty sure the color on his cheeks was not from the cold this time. The other man who Chanyeol didn’t know cleared his throat to gain their attention. “Right, sorry. Chanyeol, this is my friend Kyungsoo. I met Chanyeol earlier, in the hallway. Actually I kind of ran into him. And then got lost. He was very helpful.”

“Definitely sounds like you,” Kyungsoo laughed, shaking his head. He shifted his gaze between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, less judgmental this time, then sighed. “Alright, well, I would like to go home. So why don’t you two just exchange numbers now, and avoid all the beating around the bush I’m sure you would have done? It’s obvious that’s why he’s here, and the way you’re blushing like a school girl is pretty telling, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun sputtered at his friend, blush deepening, and Chanyeol thought he would protest. But after shooting a glare at Kyungsoo, he actually fished his phone out of his pocket, offering it shyly to Chanyeol. “I’m sorry about him. But he is right. I would like your number. I mean, if that’s okay.”

Chanyeol nodded, grin threatening to split his face, and entered his number into Baekhyun’s phone. Feeling bold, he saved the contact as ‘Chanyeol <3.’ Baekhyun giggled when he saw and sent Chanyeol a quick text with his own number. Chanyeol saved Baekhyun’s contact with a heart to match.

They had their first date a week later, with a great deal of messaging in between. Things didn’t exactly get off to the best start; Baekhyun was fifteen minutes late getting to the café on campus where they were meeting (something Chanyeol later found out was a common occurrence), and when he did show up Chanyeol managed to knock his drink over, spilling half of it on Baekhyun’s lap.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Chanyeol hurriedly apologized, practically diving forward with his napkin to try and clean Baekhyun’s pants. He was so distressed over drenching his date that he didn’t seem to notice his hands wandering a little too close to a certain body part. “I really can’t believe I did that.”

“It’s okay Chanyeol, really. We can call it even for me being late?” Baekhyun assured. Chanyeol nodded half-heartedly in agreement, still focused on his task. “Aren’t you being kind of forward for our first date?”

Chanyeol gasped in horror when he finally noticed where his hand was and jerked away, smacking his elbow into the table as he did so. The pain barely registered over the complete mortification, and he was almost scared to look at Baekhyun’s face, sure it would be angry. Instead, the corner of Baekhyun’s mouth was quirked up in a sly little smirk, and his eyes were full of nothing but mirth. Chanyeol’s mouth fell open in surprise, causing the other man to break out into full-on laughter. It didn’t take long for Chanyeol to start laughing as well, and he was far less nervous when he returned to his seat across the table. So far the date had been somewhat of a disaster and yet they were both still there, actually having a good time. He figured at this point he would have to screw up pretty badly to scare Baekhyun away. Well, he had been right about that at least.

Things went more smoothly after the initial mess, and it was clear from the start how well they clicked with each other. One date turned into two, three, five, and before they knew it they’d been together for a year.

On their anniversary, Chanyeol went all out – as much as he could anyway. He would have loved to take Baekhyun to some fancy restaurant to celebrate, but they were just broke college students, and he knew Baekhyun would have only felt guilty about the damage to Chanyeol’s bank account. Instead, he planned a fancy dinner at his apartment, inviting Baekhyun over without really telling him what they were doing. The food was totally home cooked, with maybe a little help from Kyungsoo (okay, a lot of help, if Chanyeol was being honest), and it looked and smelled delicious. The apartment was fully decked out in Christmas decorations, lights strung up everywhere with a small tree in the corner of the living room and a bit of mistletoe hanging from the doorway into the kitchen. It wasn’t quite Christmas yet, but they were both excited for the holidays, because in a way that was what had brought them together – Baekhyun’s holiday concert. They were looking forward to spending their first Christmas together as a real couple, since they hadn’t even been dating for a full two weeks by that time last year, and Chanyeol thought the holiday atmosphere was perfect for such a special night. The little table in his kitchen was set with the nicest plates and glasses he owned – which weren’t actually that nice, but at least they matched – and the best bottle of wine he could afford, along with a candle in a glass holder in the middle of the table. Everything was just how Chanyeol had planned it, and yet he was still nervous.

Dinner was not his only plan for the night, and he wanted everything to be perfect. At first he had worried that this wasn’t special enough, but now he began to worry it was too much. Chanyeol stood in his dim living room, glancing around at the various strands of lights and decorations, and wondered if he had perhaps gone slightly over the top with all of it. Biting his lip he turned to his roommate, who was getting ready to leave for the night to give them some privacy.

“Jongin, do you think it’s too much?” Chanyeol asked, a loose thread on his bulky sweater. It was dark green with a white reindeer pattern across the front, and he wore a matching reindeer antler headband. “I feel like I may have gone overboard with the whole Christmas set up.”

“You mean with the dinner, and the lights, and the tinsel on practically everything, and the ridiculous mistletoe… nope, not overboard at all,” Jongin said with a snort, eyeing Chanyeol’s outfit skeptically. “If it were anyone else, I’d tell you to go change and get rid of all this crap, but I get the feeling your weirdo boyfriend will love it.”

“You think so?” Chanyeol grinned for a moment before his expression morphed into a scowl. “Hey, he is not weird! He’s perfect.”

“Well, you’re right about that, he is perfect. Only someone like him could match so perfectly with someone as crazy as you, Yeol,” Jongin replied, laughing. He grabbed his coat off one of the hooks near the front door, slipping it on with a teasing grin. “Come on, there’s no need to be so nervous. It’s not like you’re proposing to him or anything like that. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“I may as well be!” Chanyeol protested, the anxious feeling in his stomach growing at the mention of proposing. The question he planned to ask tonight was nerve-wracking enough, he couldn’t even imagine popping that question. He hadn’t even thought about it until Jongin mentioned it; he was barely twenty-two, way too young to be thinking about marriage in his opinion. Though, it wasn’t like he had any plans to break up with Baekhyun, so maybe one day he would be asking that question. The thought scared him as much as it excited him. “What if he says no?”

“He won’t.”

“But what if he does?”

“Chanyeol, seriously, it’ll be –” Jongin was interrupted by a knock on the door, presumably Baekhyun. “Time for me to leave I think. It will be fine, he’ll definitely say yes and everything else is taken care of, so stop worrying.”

“I guess…” Chanyeol replied. He didn’t know how Jongin could be so sure, but he hoped his friend was right. Jongin opened the door to let Baekhyun in, then waved to both of them before heading out and closing the door, leaving the couple alone.

“Hey,” Baekhyun greeted, stepping further into the living room after he’d taken his boots off and hung up his coat and scarf. He stopped in front of Chanyeol, and even after a year the way he smiled was enough to make Chanyeol’s heart beat faster. Baekhyun placed his palms lightly on Chanyeol’s chest, leaning up for a quick kiss. “Happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary,” Chanyeol repeated. He took Baekhyun’s hands and moved them up to rest on his shoulders, then wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and pulled him in for a longer kiss. When they finally broke apart Baekhyun took a few steps back, turning around to get a better view of the room.

“Wow, the lights are beautiful Chanyeol!” Baekhyun said, eyes lighting up as he took in all of the decorations. “It wasn’t like this last time I was here, did you do all of this just for me?”

Chanyeol nodded, flushing slightly. “Do you like it?”

Baekhyun laughed, taking hold of Chanyeol’s hand again and lacing their fingers together. “I love it, thank you. It really sets the mood, doesn’t it? Even the weather is similar to the day we met, the temperature is the same!”

“You remember what the temperature was?” Chanyeol asked incredulously, mouth hanging open slightly. Baekhyun blushed and looked away.

“N-no, I mean, that would be weird right why would I remember something so silly I –” Baekhyun snapped his mouth shut when he realized he was rambling and cleared his throat. “I really liked you, even though we’d just met. So yeah, okay, I remember a lot of small details from that day because it was important.”

“Hey, no need to get defensive, it was important. I think it’s really sweet that you remembered,” Chanyeol said, smiling. He leaned in and pressed his lips to the tip of Baekhyun’s nose, causing the older man to giggle softly. “I liked you a lot too you know, even then. I went backstage to talk to you because I knew I would regret letting you go.”

“I’m so grateful that you did, Park Chanyeol.” Baekhyun brought his right hand up to caress Chanyeol’s cheek lightly. “I didn’t know I could ever be this happy.”

Chanyeol wholeheartedly agreed. The past year had been amazing, and he thanked luck or fate or whatever it was that had let Baekhyun run into him that night. “Neither did I love.”

He led Baekhyun into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway to point out the mistletoe. Baekhyun laughed and punched him in the arm lightly. Then he stood up on the tips of his toes so that he could reach Chanyeol’s headband and take it off, placing it on his own head instead. “There, now I’m as festive as everything else. I suppose you can have a kiss in exchange.”

Standing there with his little reindeer antlers, the sleeves of his oversized, cream-colored sweater long enough to cover his hands and the collar low enough to expose his clavicle, Chanyeol thought Baekhyun was probably the most adorable thing in the world. Then again, he thought that at least three times a day.

They kissed one last time under the mistletoe before sitting down to dinner. Chanyeol pulled out Baekhyun’s chair for him, poured each of them a glass of wine, and then finally took his own seat.

“I feel like I’m really at a restaurant,” Baekhyun said when he was done, taking a sip of the wine. “Though, in that case, it would be really weird if my date was also my waiter.”

Chanyeol laughed. “I worked as a waiter once you know. For like, two weeks. They fired me when I broke my fifth plate.”

“That does not surprise me one bit,” Baekhyun replied, shaking his head. He took a bite of the food and let out a tiny squeak of delight. “Wow, Kyungsoo really outdid himself tonight!”

“What do you mean Kyungsoo? You don’t think I could cook this?” Chanyeol asked with a pout. Baekhyun merely raised an eyebrow, and Chanyeol had to admit he had a point. “Hey, I… chopped the vegetables!”

“Well, I’m sure you chopped them very nicely,” Baekhyun said with a nod. He reached across the table to pat the top of Chanyeol’s head a few times, and Chanyeol found it difficult to be too offended at the jab to his cooking skills. “Remind me to thank Soo for the food though. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts, right? I’m really happy that you went through so much effort to put this together for me, really. It was very sweet of you. My gift feels kind of lame in comparison, I knew I shouldn’t have believed you when you said you just wanted to stay in and watch a movie together!”

“Eh? But I told you not to get me anything!” They had agreed not to exchange gifts, since they would for Christmas soon anyway. Though, considering Chanyeol had broken that rule himself, he probably shouldn’t have been too surprised that Baekhyun did as well. “What did you get me? I’m sure it’s great, Baek. It’s from you.”

Baekhyun’s cheeks reddened, though Chanyeol wasn’t sure if it was from the comment or over whatever his gift was. The older got up from the table and walked into the living room. Chanyeol leaned forward slightly so that he could see into the other room from the kitchen doorway and watched as Baekhyun went to the coats by the front door, digging around in the pocket of his until he emerged with a small package. He clutched it tightly in his hand as he returned to the table, handing it over when he sat down and turning his gaze towards his lap. “It’s super embarrassing honestly. I just happened to walk by a shop that made them the other day and I thought it was cute, but…”

Chanyeol gently tore away the wrapping paper as Baekhyun rambled, and grinned at what he saw. It was a Christmas tree ornament. There were two penguins, both wearing little hats and scarves, and the taller one was kissing the smaller on the cheek. Above them was a red heart with snow on top of it, and below them was another patch of snow with the names ‘Baekhyun & Chanyeol’ written on it. “Baekhyun, I love it.”

Baekhyun stopped talking, head shooting up. “Huh?”

“It’s amazing! Let’s go put it on the tree right now!”

“B-but the food,” Baekhyun protested, clearly still embarrassed about the gift. Chanyeol didn’t really see why, it was really cute, but then again Baekhyun wasn’t usually one to make mushy romantic gestures like this. Even if Chanyeol knew for a fact that he secretly enjoyed them.

“It will still be there in a few minutes, come on,” Chanyeol said, brushing off the argument. He got up from the table and took Baekhyun’s hand, pulling him out of his seat and dragging him over to the tree in the living room. “Let’s find a good spot for it, where everyone can see it. Jongin will probably laugh at me for it later, but who cares about him.”

Baekhyun was still blushing, but he went along without any further protesting. They rearranged a few other ornaments to make space near the top of the tree and found a nice spot right in the middle, not too far below the silver star adorning the tip of the tree. Chanyeol hung the couple ornament there, in perfect view of anyone who looked at the tree.

“There, now it’s our tree.”

Smiling softly, Baekhyun nodded in agreement, pressing himself closer to Chanyeol’s side. He rested his head against the taller’s shoulder, and when Chanyeol glanced down at him, his heart swelled. He thought about what he’d just said, and realized that this was the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t how he had planned to ask, but it would do just as well.

“Actually, Baekhyun…” Chanyeol swallowed nervously, and Baekhyun’s gaze shifted from the ornament to his boyfriend. “I was thinking, wouldn’t it be nice if everything in this apartment was ours?”

Baekhyun frowned in confusion. “I don’t understand Chanyeol. Everything in this apartment is yours. And, well, Jongin’s, but you know what I mean.”

“I mean, what if none of it was Jongin’s. And all of it belonged to both of us, not just me.” Chanyeol realized he was not explaining this very well, so he moved on to plan b, taking a small box out of his pocket and offering it to Baekhyun. “I’m saying… what if the apartment belonged to both of us?”

Realization dawned on Baekhyun’s face when he opened the box, eyes widening at the single key lying inside of it. “Chanyeol… are you… you’re asking me to move in with you?”

Chanyeol nodded. His hands were shaking in anticipation of Baekhyun’s answer, but he pressed on. “I know it’s kind of out of the blue, but I mean, it would be great right? We stay over at each other’s apartments all the time anyway, and waking up with you is pretty much the best thing ever, so I thought… why don’t we just do that every day?”

“But what about Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun asked, though to Chanyeol’s delight, he looked like he was holding back a smile. “I mean, I want to, I really, really do, but I can’t just leave Kyungsoo without a roommate. He wouldn’t be able to cover the rent on his own, and you wouldn’t just leave Jongin without somewhere to live either right?”

“Of course not,” Chanyeol replied, shaking his head. Luckily, he’d already planned for that. “I’ve actually already talked to both of them about this, I’ve been wanting to ask for a while to be honest. I was thinking, if you moved in, Jongin would need a new apartment and Kyungsoo would need a new roommate, so it’s kind of a perfect fit isn’t it? They get along well enough, and they both agreed that they’d be fine with it if you said yes. It wouldn’t be a big deal at all really, you and Jongin would just be switching places.”

“That’s… that’s actually perfect,” Baekhyun said, finally letting the grin spread across his face. “Yes, Park Chanyeol, I’ll move in with you.”

Then Chanyeol found himself with an armful of Byun Baekhyun, and all was right in the world.

The first few months that they lived together were probably the happiest times in Chanyeol’s life. Any moment he was with Baekhyun fell into that category, but those months had been especially wonderful. Very little actually changed between them; they had already spent pretty much every day together even before, and they still did the same things together – there was just the added bonus that after a date, they got to go home to the same place and the same bed. It was amazing, knowing that he would never wake up alone again, and Chanyeol almost felt like they were newlyweds with how ridiculously in love they were.

Newlyweds. That was something else new in their relationship. Ever since that night, Chanyeol had been thinking more and more about their future together. Moving in together was already a big step forward, but he couldn’t get Jongin’s words out of his head: it’s not like you’re proposing to him. At first, when the idea of moving in together had first sparked, Chanyeol hadn’t really been thinking in the long-term. Of course he planned to stay with Baekhyun for the foreseeable future; he loved what they had so much, and living together sounded great. But it was only after he had asked the question, after living together became a reality that Chanyeol began to think about the implications of it all. Asking someone to move in with you was usually an indication that you planned to be together for a long, long time. That one day you might want to marry that person, as Jongin had so jokingly suggested.

The thought scared Chanyeol more than he liked to admit. He still thought he was too young to be thinking of such things, too young to even consider it, especially when he had only been with Baekhyun for a year. It was even more frightening to him when he realized just how much he wanted it. It was crazy, to be thinking of marriage with someone he’d only known for a year, when they hadn’t even finished college yet, but Chanyeol couldn’t let go of the idea once it was planted in his mind. He loved Baekhyun more than he ever thought he could love anyone, and when he really sat down and thought about his future, it was impossible to imagine one that didn’t include his boyfriend. And every time he thought of one day being Byun Baekhyun’s husband, of promising each other forever, he was filled with a happiness that he couldn’t even begin to describe.

Deciding that he did, in fact, want to propose to Baekhyun only created a new set of worries for Chanyeol. It was definitely too soon, that he knew. He had no idea if Baekhyun was having any similar thoughts, or even felt the same way at all about their future, but he figured it was best to at least wait until they graduated. Their financial situation wasn’t all that stable, and he couldn’t even afford to buy Baekhyun a ring, let alone pay for a whole wedding or promise his boyfriend a good future. He eventually decided it was best to just enjoy things the way they were for the time being, and pushed the marriage question to the back of his mind to worry about later.

And thus, for those few months after their anniversary, Chanyeol thought his life was pretty close to perfect. He didn’t have anything to worry about aside from the usual stress of school and exams, and having Baekhyun around made even that seem trivial most of the time. They were just happy, being together, not quite ready to worry about the future yet. But then summer came, and graduation along with it, and suddenly they were out of their happy little fantasy and into the real world. Everything changed then, and in retrospect Chanyeol knew that was what started it all.

“So this is it, huh. Time for us to start being adults,” Baekhyun said quietly, his words somewhat muffled against Chanyeol’s shoulder. They were curled up together in bed, exhausted after a long day of celebration with their friends. “Chanyeol… what if we don’t have time for each other anymore?”

“Baek, I am not awake enough or sober enough for this,” Chanyeol whined. They hadn’t gotten drunk, exactly, but they’d both consumed their fair share of alcohol at the party earlier. “Besides, I’ll always have time for you, so you’re worrying for nothing.”

“I’m being serious Chanyeol!” Baekhyun huffed, hitting his fist against Chanyeol’s chest with very little actual force. “You’ll be starting your new job next week, and I’ll… well, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but still. This is real life. With much bigger responsibilities to worry about than turning in an essay on time.”

“I’m being serious too. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you, Baekhyun. The world could be ending, and I would spend every second of time I had left with you if that’s what you wanted. Something as silly as being ‘too busy’ is not going to stop me from being with you, so you shouldn’t worry over it,” Chanyeol replied. He took hold of the hand that Baekhyun had hit him with, now resting on his chest, and squeezed it reassuringly. “And don’t worry about your situation either. I’ll be making enough to support both of us without problems, take as much time as you need to figure things out. Write songs, go on auditions, or take up piano again – whatever you want. Just do what makes you happy, love. Everything will work out.”

“I really hope so…” Baekhyun didn’t sound convinced, but Chanyeol wasn’t concerned. Nothing between them was going to change, and Baekhyun would see that in time. He snuggled closer to his boyfriend and fell asleep.

If Chanyeol had known then how things would turn out, he would have taken Baekhyun’s concerns to heart.

Chanyeol had been lucky, landing a job before he had even officially completed his accounting degree. The money was good for an entry-level position, and though his work was stressful at times he enjoyed it. His friends thought he was crazy for choosing such a boring career, but he liked numbers and logic and working his way through a complex budget problem. He also liked the financial freedom it gave them; they weren’t poor university students barely making it through anymore, they didn’t have to survive on ramen every night or rush to scrape together enough money to cover rent at the beginning of every month. Chanyeol could finally take Baekhyun out on those nice dinner dates he’d always wanted to, and Baekhyun wasn’t forced to jump into a career he didn’t really want. He had majored in music, and was in the process of trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to do with that. Chanyeol knew that in truth, all Baekhyun wanted to do was sing. Be it in small-time musicals or on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans, Baekhyun wanted to sing, it was all he had ever wanted to do. But he was afraid – of failing, of not finding work, of not being good enough – and had insisted on completing his degree, having something to fall back on, before he even considered truly pursuing singing as a career. No matter how many times Chanyeol tried he had never been able to entirely erase Baekhyun’s insecurities, so he had eventually been forced to stop pushing the issue so hard. He hoped that now, with their situation being much more secure, Baekhyun would be able to stop worrying so much and just go for it.

He did, to an extent. Baekhyun began auditioning for small roles in local musical productions, though he also got a part-time job at a record store near their apartment, claiming he didn’t feel right just living off of Chanyeol’s money. He refused to go on auditions for any entertainment companies, but he kept up regular vocal practice and was even taking weekly dance lessons from Jongin (Baekhyun thought Chanyeol didn’t know about those, though, so Chanyeol never said anything), and Chanyeol figured it was only a matter of time before he worked up the courage to do it. The constant practice in addition to his performances and work kept Baekhyun busy, and Chanyeol found himself working overtime more often as the months went on, but he didn’t think it was a bad thing. They always at least spent Sundays together, and had dinner together almost every night, and it really wasn’t that different from university when they had different class schedules to work around. They were both happy and making progress in their careers, and Chanyeol felt certain that Baekhyun’s earlier concern had been unnecessary. Their relationship was just as strong as it always had been.

With that in mind, Chanyeol thought it was about time to build up some courage of his own. He still wanted to marry Baekhyun more than anything, and he no longer had money as an excuse to put off asking. He was terrified, of course. What if it was still too soon? What if Baekhyun said no? If he wasn’t ready yet, or never wanted to get married at all? There were so many possible outcomes, and Chanyeol nearly talked himself out of it more than once. But no, he wanted this, and he wasn’t going to let fear stop him. Baekhyun loved him, he knew that, and even if he didn’t want to get married it wouldn’t be the end of the world. The ‘what if’s would just keep plaguing him if he never asked – he needed to take a risk for once in his life and just do it.  

In early December, Chanyeol finally bought two rings. He had argued with himself over it right up until he walked into the jewelry store, but in the end it was easier than he expected. They were simple and elegantly beautiful, a matching set of gleaming silver bands with a small line of diamonds curving across the front. The stones were admittedly small – Chanyeol didn’t make quite that much money – but he knew Baekhyun wouldn’t want anything fancy anyway. He could clearly picture himself sliding the ring onto Baekhyun’s finger, imagine Baekhyun’s face when he saw it, and for that they were perfect.

At first his plan had been to propose on their second anniversary. The timing was good, it was romantic, and he had already made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in the city two months in advance. Everything was already in place really, he had just needed to buy the rings and then… well, ask. His task was half done, and he was only waiting for Baekhyun to show up to complete the second half. Chanyeol unfortunately had to work that day, so they were meeting at the restaurant rather than at their apartment, and Baekhyun was already fifteen minutes late. That was fairly typical though, so he wasn’t very concerned. Another five minutes passed before the man in question arrived, hair tousled by the wind and totally out of breath.

“I’m sorry Yeol,” Baekhyun apologized once he’d taken his seat and caught his breath. “I was working on that song that keeps giving me trouble and then Kyungsoo called and I just totally lost track of time until he asked if we had plans tonight. I ran out the door as soon as I realized what time it was.”

“It’s okay, I’m used to you getting sidetracked by now,” Chanyeol laughed. He noticed how red Baekhyun’s face was, along with the tips of his ears and frowned worriedly. “You look like you barely even remembered to put your coat on. Even if you’re late, you shouldn’t forget to put on your hat and scarf. What if your cute little ears freeze off?”

“Ah, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun squeaked, covering his ears in embarrassment. Chanyeol loved that even after two years, Baekhyun still got flustered when he complemented him. It was cute. “They’re fine, my ears won’t ‘freeze off’ after a few minutes in the cold. I just wanted to get here as soon as possible… I’ve missed you lately, you know.”

“I know…” Chanyeol sighed, suddenly feeling guilty for all of the extra hours he’d put in at work recently. Then again, Baekhyun was busy too. He’d landed a larger role in a local holiday musical and was either at rehearsals or practicing at home every day, on top of the part-time job he refused to quit. By the time they both got home each day they were too exhausted to do much more than talk for a few minutes in bed before they fell asleep. Weekends weren’t guaranteed free anymore, and they hadn’t had a proper night together since Chanyeol’s birthday three weeks earlier. “I miss you too. But things should calm down at work soon, so we’ll be able to spend more time together then.”

“Yeah. I don’t really have anything planned once the holiday performances are over with, maybe I’ll just take it easy for a few weeks, then we can spend some quality time together,” Baekhyun agreed. His face brightened at the prospect, and Chanyeol’s spirits were lifted as well. Things would go back to normal after the holidays. “Oh, hey! We should go on a trip together or something, just for a weekend. We’ve never done anything like that. It would be fun, right?”

“Of course, that’s a great idea!” Chanyeol thought it really was. A weekend away together with nothing else to bother them sounded absolutely amazing. He didn’t think their relationship was suffering from their busy schedules, exactly, but they did miss each other a lot and a taking a trip together could only help to strengthen their bond even more. Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun had been worried about them drifting apart again lately, and he would do anything to show his boyfriend that it wasn’t the case. At that moment he remembered the rings in his pocket, and realized there was something else he could do to reassure Baekhyun as well. Part of what pushed him to finally decide on proposing was this very issue, and this seemed like the opportune moment to tell Baekhyun just how committed he was to making their relationship work. “Actually Baekhyun, I…”

“Hmm?”

He reached across the table to cover Baekhyun’s hand with his own, and his other hand grasped the box in his pocket. This was it. He was going to ask.

“…nothing. I just… I love you.”

He couldn’t do it. Chanyeol’s mind went blank as he tried to come up with the words, and in the end his mouth betrayed him. He only needed to say four little words and yet somehow it was so difficult. But it was okay, he told himself. Their anniversary wasn’t the only special day they shared, he didn’t have to propose then. He could take a few days to psyche himself up for it, get rid of some of the nerves, and propose on Christmas Eve. Yes, that would be fine.

Except he didn’t propose on Christmas Eve. Or Christmas Day, or New Year’s, or Valentine’s Day. He didn’t propose on White Day, or on Baekhyun’s birthday. Every time he tried, every time he thought he could do it, all of his original doubts came flooding back to him. We’re only in our early twenties, there’s plenty of time. Baekhyun might say no. Baekhyun probably isn’t thinking about marriage anyway. We’re happy with things how they are, there’s no need to change anything. He’d probably laugh at me for being so cheesy. And the most nagging fear of them all, the one that Chanyeol hated himself the most for even thinking: what if he isn’t who I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with.

It was a ridiculous thought, and even thinking it caused Chanyeol physical pain. A life without Baekhyun was something that he couldn’t imagine, and definitely didn’t want. It was just that every time he tried to ask that one little question, to solidify their commitment to each other, it was so easy to talk himself out of it. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it wasn’t just his nerves holding back. Maybe… maybe there was a reason he had so many doubts. Chanyeol didn’t want to doubt their relationship, it killed him, because he loved Baekhyun so, so much. But maybe the older had been right all along. They had gone on that trip and it had been every bit as wonderful as Chanyeol knew it would, but after that things had gotten busy again. They went back to barely seeing each other, and after months and months nothing had changed. On some level, Chanyeol had to admit that they were slowly drifting apart. Getting engaged might help bring them back together, and he tried to convince himself of that, but there was still that tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him otherwise.

He couldn’t admit that maybe the reason it was so difficult was because he didn’t really want to do it.

By October of the following year, the rings were still tucked safely away in one of Chanyeol’s desk drawers (Baekhyun never went in there), and he was no closer to figuring things out. Their third anniversary was quickly approaching and Chanyeol wanted to try again, but his failures over the past year had completely eaten away at his confidence. He didn’t even know if he wanted to propose anymore, or if he was just clinging onto the idea because it sounded nice. He was stressed and confused and full of doubt, and he guessed it was the combination of all three that led to him making that terrible mistake.

“Hey, Baek, shouldn’t you be getting ready?” Chanyeol asked, stepping out of their bedroom in full pirate costume. Baekhyun had laughed at him for choosing it, but personally he thought he looked pretty y with the eye patch. One of his co-workers, Kris, was throwing a huge Halloween party and everyone in the office was invited. Chanyeol had been looking forward to it for weeks, because Baekhyun had promised to come with him and they hadn’t had a night out together in a while. “We’re supposed to leave in like half an hour.”

Baekhyun jumped at his voice, having been completely engrossed in whatever he was reading – probably lines for his latest production, if Chanyeol had to guess. He’d been sitting on the couch for the past three hours, hunched over the stack of papers and muttering to himself. When he turned his attention to Chanyeol, his face was full of guilt, and it wasn’t hard to guess what he was going to say. “. Chanyeol, I’m so, so sorry but I can’t go. I told you before that I was chosen as an understudy for one of the lead roles, right? Well, they called me a few hours ago, apparently he’s come down with the flu or something. Someone is filling in for my part tonight, but now they need me to come and perform as the understudy tonight. There’s no one else. If I could get out of it, I would, but – I’m really sorry.”

“Oh. Well… okay.” Chanyeol couldn’t even try to pretend he wasn’t disappointed. He had been really excited to finally spend some time with his boyfriend, and instead… god, they really were drifting weren’t they? But Baekhyun looked truly sorry about the unexpected turn of events, and he knew that the older was probably just as disappointed, so he did his best not to be too upset. “It’s alright Baek. Things happen. Anyway, isn’t this a really good opportunity for you? You’ll be playing a lead! Do you want me to come watch? I can skip the party.”

“It is, I just wish the timing was better. I really did want to go with you,” Baekhyun said, sighing. The smile he offered Chanyeol was half-hearted at best. “I appreciate the offer, but you should go and have fun with your friends. Don’t let me ruin your night. You invited Jongin too, didn’t you? You haven’t seen him in ages, so you should go. Tell Kyungsoo hello for me, I’m sure they’ll be there together.”

How can I have fun if you’re not there? Is what Chanyeol wanted to say. He should have said it. He should have insisted on going to the musical. He should have stayed home, at least. He should have done a lot of things, but what he did was say “okay” and walk out the door. He didn’t even say goodbye, and if he had been paying attention he might have noticed the hurt that flashed across Baekhyun’s face.

Chanyeol did see Jongin and Kyungsoo at the party. The pair had gotten together not long after becoming roommates, and unlike his own relationship they didn’t seem to be having any problems finding time for each other. He was kind of jealous, if he was being honest with himself, because they still appeared to be sickeningly in love and he wanted that. He wanted that and he thought that he’d had it but it was starting to feel like he didn’t, like somewhere along the way the spark between him and Baekhyun had been lost and they were slowly losing their hold on each other with it. Chanyeol loved Baekhyun, there was never any question about that, but he wasn’t sure if that was enough anymore. Jongin and Kyungsoo ended up leaving the party early and Chanyeol was somewhat grateful for it, because being around them just reminded him of everything that he was missing.

After they left, he decided to find Kris. It was his party after all, and the two of them were on pretty good terms. Chanyeol wouldn’t necessarily call Kris a friend, but he was fun to talk to and would serve as a decent distraction from the turmoil going on in his heart. The alcohol he found along the way helped too.

By the time he actually found his co-worker, he was drunk and depressed – not a good combination. Kris, in all his tall and gorgeous glory, greeted Chanyeol with a raised eyebrow and a puzzled expression. “Chanyeol… good to see you. You, um, look like you’re having fun. Where’s your boyfriend? I thought you were bringing him.”

“He had to work,” Chanyeol whined, pouting pitifully. He swayed slightly on his feet and Kris guided him over to sit on a couch off to the side. “He was supposed to come and it was going to be great but no he had to work and he canceled on me, again.”

“Oh.” Kris patted his shoulder awkwardly, seeming unsure of how to handle the situation. “I’m sorry. I’m sure he wanted to come.”

Kris was right, and Chanyeol knew that, but he had spent the whole night dwelling on every negative thought he’d ever had about them and he wasn’t exactly thinking rationally anymore. He felt sad and bitter and it was as much his fault as it was Baekhyun’s, maybe even more, but right then he needed someone to blame for the way everything seemed to be going downhill. “Right. Because he always tries so hard. Do you know that he’s been late to every single date we’ve ever had? I’m always the one planning everything, setting up surprises – I even bought the stupid rings, dammit! And he doesn’t even care enough to show up on time. He could have been here, he could have dropped out of the production. It doesn’t even matter, we didn’t have to come, he could have pushed harder for me to come watch him perform. All I wanted was for us to spend one night together, something we haven’t done in forever, but apparently that was just too ing hard!”

None of what Chanyeol said was true. Baekhyun might have been late sometimes but he always, always showed up unless he had a good reason, precisely because he did care. He didn’t make grand romantic gestures all the time the way Chanyeol did, but he put in the effort when it mattered. He’d spent weeks planning for Chanyeol’s birthday last year, and that trip they took had been entirely his doing, down to the very last detail. And maybe Chanyeol had gotten the rings, but he’d been too afraid to actually give Baekhyun his, so what was the point in even mentioning it? As for tonight, there wasn’t actually any way Baekhyun could have gotten out of performing, and asking him to try would have been incredibly selfish. Baekhyun hadn’t pushed the issue because he wanted Chanyeol to have a fun night, not because he didn’t want them to spend the night together or because he didn’t care. In fact, if Chanyeol had been thinking straight, he might have realized just how much Baekhyun actually did care and how stupid he was being. But he wasn’t, and he didn’t, and even though he knew deep down that what he was saying was wrong he couldn’t stop.

“We’ve been struggling to stay together for the past year and I’m so tired of it. It’s too hard and I feel like I’m the only one trying anymore. We can’t even manage one night together, how can we have a future together? I thought he was the one, the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with but maybe I was just kidding myself because it’s obvious he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“Then why are you with him?” Kris asked, and the words cutting through him like a knife. “If he’s so horrible that you’re sitting here crying to me about it, then why are you even still with him?”

“I… ” Because you love him, Chanyeol’s heart screamed at him, because he’s beautiful and perfect and kind and isn’t any of the things you accused him of being, because he’s worth fighting for. “I don’t know.”

“If you don’t know, then you shouldn’t be with him,” Kris replied simply. Then his whole demeanor seemed to change, and an expression crossed his face that Chanyeol had never seen his co-worker wear before. He didn’t know what to make of it until Kris spoke again. “I shouldn’t… you’re drunk and upset and this isn’t the right time, but… I like you, Chanyeol. I have for a while, and if your boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way about you then you shouldn’t be with him. You should be with me.”

The confession was completely unexpected, but even so Chanyeol really only had himself to blame for what happened next. Kris was a gentleman about it, not forcing an answer out of him or making any further moves on his drunken colleague. He even urged Chanyeol to go home and talk to Baekhyun before coming to any decisions, and everything would have been so much better if he had taken that advice. Once again however his brain and his mouth refused to listen to his heart, and as much as he would have liked to blame Kris, in the end it was him who leaned in and kissed the other man. Chanyeol kissed someone who wasn’t Baekhyun, and he knew the moment he did it that he had messed up.

Kris tried to push him away at first, but Chanyeol was insistent, and eventually he gave in. They kissed and Chanyeol tried to forget that smile and those eyes and pretend that this didn’t feel so wrong, but then he felt fingers that were far too long move their way past the hem of his shirt and he couldn’t do it. He jerked away, knocking Kris back onto the sofa in the process, and the horrible reality of what he’d done crashed into him like a massive wave. He didn’t notice that he was crying until Kris pointed it out.

When he eventually stumbled his way back home, Chanyeol was a complete wreck. He didn’t know how things had gone so wrong, how he had gotten so drunk and made such a terrible error in judgment, but he knew that he had ed up royally. One night of doubt and insecurity had ruined everything, and in his heart he knew that there would be no recovery. Baekhyun would find out – things like this never stayed secret for long – and that would be the end of it. Their relationship had been hanging precariously off the edge of a cliff, and Chanyeol had just cut the only lifeline.

Baekhyun was already asleep in their room, curled up on his side of the bed with a frown stretched across his face. Chanyeol’s heart ached at the sight and he hurried to strip off his costume, not bothering to wash off the makeup he’d worn before climbing into bed. He wrapped his arms around Baekhyun from behind, holding him as tightly as he could without waking him up, and tried to stay awake for as long as possible. He didn’t know if he would get another chance to be close to Baekhyun like this, and he didn’t want to waste it.

Chanyeol did eventually drift off, and when he woke up in the morning it was to a massive headache and an empty bed. He sat up in a panic until he realized that Baekhyun couldn’t possibly know what had happened yet. Then he smelled bacon, and slowly made his way out of the bedroom to investigate. His jaw dropped in surprise at what he saw. Baekhyun was cooking breakfast, a full meal of bacon, eggs, and pancakes, all laid out on the kitchen table like a mini feast. Chanyeol couldn’t even remember the last time he’d done that. And despite their less than stellar parting the night before, Baekhyun looked really happy. He grinned when he noticed Chanyeol watching him and motioned for him to sit down.

“Good morning!” Baekhyun greeted, stepping away from the stove for a moment to lean down and kiss Chanyeol’s forehead lightly. “Do you need any painkillers? You look like you drank more than you should have last night. I hope you didn’t drive home like that.”

He did, but Baekhyun didn’t need to know that. “That would be great, thank you. What is all of this?”

“Well,” Baekhyun started. He grabbed a bottle off the counter and took out two pills, handing them to Chanyeol along with a glass of water, then went back to finishing up the last of the pancakes. “I felt really bad about last night. I was honestly looking forward to going, and I know you were looking forward to spending time together too. But I have off today, and so do you, so I thought we could just take a day for ourselves. Have a nice breakfast, stay in, go out, whatever you want to do as long as we can spend the day together. I won’t even think about practicing or rehearsing lines today, I promise. Today can just be about us. How does that sound?”

“It sounds… perfect,” Chanyeol said in a half-whisper, and he wanted to cry because god how could he have ever thought for even a second about being with anyone else. How could he have said those awful things and doubted Baekhyun so much? His boyfriend had gone through so much effort to make up for something that wasn’t even really his fault, and all Chanyeol had done was accuse him of not caring enough. He had let his fears and insecurities get the better of him and done something totally inexcusable. He regretted it so much but it was too late to take any of it back, no matter how much he wished he could. All over again his chest began to ache and tears blurred his vision – he was going to lose the one person he couldn’t live without, and it was all his fault. “Oh god… Baekhyun…”

Baekhyun turned at the sound of his name, having just shut off the stove, and frowned when he noticed the tears in Chanyeol’s eyes. “What’s wrong Yeol? Is everything okay?”

Chanyeol didn’t say anything, just walked across the kitchen and swept Baekhyun up into his arms. He clutched at the older man’s shoulders desperately, never wanting to let go.

“Chanyeol, please tell me what’s wrong,” Baekhyun pleaded, returning the embrace without hesitation even though he sounded confused. “Please, you’re scaring me.”

“I l-love you s-so much,” Chanyeol sobbed, burying his face in the crook of Baekhyun’s neck. He didn’t want to say it, he didn’t want this to end but he knew he had to. Baekhyun was being so amazing when he didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve anything that Baekhyun had ever done for him, and he couldn’t just let it go on knowing that. The truth would hurt them both but hiding it wouldn’t change the fact that it happened, and it would only be worse if Chanyeol lied about it and Baekhyun found out later. No, it was better to be honest, even if it was going to kill him inside. “I’m s-sorry, Baekhyun, I’m so, s-so…”

“What is going on Chanyeol? What are you sorry for?” Baekhyun tensed in his arms, and even though he couldn’t have known Chanyeol wondered if he wasn’t thinking it already.

“I…” Chanyeol took a deep breath, bracing himself. “I kissed someone last night, at the party.”

Baekhyun froze. “…what?”

Chanyeol didn’t know how a single word could sound so broken and devastated, but somehow Baekhyun managed it. The older man let his arms drop to his sides, pulling out of the embrace, and Chanyeol felt his heart cracking more and more with every step that Baekhyun took away from him. “You wouldn’t… you couldn’t… you kissed… what?”

Every word was another stab to his heart, and Baekhyun seemed so disbelieving that a part of Chanyeol wanted to tell him it wasn’t true and pretend it never happened. “I was drunk and upset and stupid, and Kris confessed to me and I kissed him.”

“Kris… the one who threw the party? He confessed to you… and you kissed him…” Baekhyun trailed off, his face twisted in a horrible cross between sorrow and pain, and after a moment anger joined the mix. “So what… do you like him back then?!”

“No! No, that’s not it at all,” Chanyeol backtracked, realizing how easily his words could be misconstrued. Not that it was any better this way. “I love you, Baekhyun, only you. Always you.”

“Then why Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice cracked and they were both crying now, and Chanyeol hated himself more than ever for hurting him like this. Baekhyun had never done anything but love him and Chanyeol had betrayed his trust in the worst possible way. “Why would you kiss him? Was it even just a kiss, or is there more you aren’t telling me?”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened at the implications. “No, god no! Baekhyun, I would never… I don’t want anyone else but you, I promise you that. It was a moment of drunken stupidity, and I stopped it as soon as I realized what I was doing. I was upset and not thinking clearly and I’m so sorry it turned out this way, I never meant for this to happen.”

“I know that,” Baekhyun said quietly. He closed his eyes and pressed a hand to his mouth, like he was trying to hold back more tears. “I know that, but it did happen. It happened and nothing is going to change that and I just want to know why. Were you actually that upset that I couldn’t go? I tried Chanyeol, I really did, I took the night off and made sure there was someone to cover me but things happen and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much lately, I’m sorry if you were hurt, but that doesn’t give you the right to kiss someone else!”

“I know it doesn’t!” Chanyeol replied, and it barely registered that they had started yelling. “It wasn’t that, Baekhyun. I wasn’t happy about it but it wasn’t your fault and –”

“So what was it then?” Baekhyun cut in, “Am I just not good enough then? Am I such an awful boyfriend that you had to go seeking comfort from him?”

“Never, Baekhyun. You’re perfect, you’re so wonderful. You’re everything I could ever want and everything I’ll ever need and I’m an idiot for not realizing that sooner,” Chanyeol argued, but from the look Baekhyun was giving him that wasn’t going to cut it. He sighed, knowing what he had to say was just going to make this worse – as if it could get worse. “I had doubts, okay? Lately… lately we’ve been drifting apart, you can’t deny that. We’ve both been so busy, we’ve barely been spending any time together. I knew a long time ago that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but Baekhyun… I’ve never been in a serious relationship with anyone else, I’m not even twenty-four yet, and you’re not much different. With things the way they’ve been lately, I started to wonder okay? If maybe… if committing to one person for the rest of my life was really what I wanted, when I’ve never had the chance to see what it could be like with someone else. It was horrible, I know that, and I never should have doubted what we have because I love you so much. But I wasn’t thinking straight and some part of me just wanted to see what it was like to kiss another person. It felt so wrong though, because he wasn’t you and you really are the only person that I want, you have to believe that. If there is anything I can do to make this better just tell me, please, and I’ll do it. I’m so lost here, and I’m so sorry and I want to make this right but I don’t know how.”

Baekhyun let out a shaky breath, followed by a humorless laugh. “How am I supposed to believe that when you had to kiss him to realize it? If you were truly happy with me, you never would have done it.”

“T-that’s not true, Baek, it was a moment of weakness and it meant nothing,” Chanyeol stammered. His chest hurt even more and his breathing was ragged, and he just wanted this pain to stop even if he had brought it on himself. He could feel Baekhyun slipping through his fingers and he didn’t know what to do. “I swear to you, I –”

“I NEVER HAD DOUBTS ABOUT YOU!” Baekhyun screamed, cutting him off. “I knew I was in love with you almost from the moment we met, and I knew I never wanted to be with anyone else but you. I understand that things haven’t been perfect lately, but I wasn’t worried, because I was sure we would be okay. I thought we loved each other too much to let this go, and even more than that I believed in you. You promised me that we would make things work, Chanyeol, you told me that I would always be the most important thing to you. What the hell happened to that?”

“Nothing happened to that. You’re right, we love each other too much to let this end. I know I have a lot to make up for but this can still work, we can get through it somehow. Please. You are the most important thing to me Baekhyun, that hasn’t changed. That will never change.”

“Then why did you have to kiss someone else to see it?” Baekhyun asked, and Chanyeol had no answer because he was right.

“Please, Baekhyun, this can’t be it…” And yet he knew it was.

Baekhyun shook his head, turning away. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I thought loving you was enough but clearly it wasn’t. I thought we could get through anything, but this… this is something I never anticipated. I don’t know anything anymore, I don’t know how I feel about you anymore. I love you, but I can’t look at you without thinking of your lips on someone else and it makes me sick and I can’t… this isn’t going to work, Chanyeol, it just isn’t.”

No matter what Chanyeol said after that, Baekhyun was silent. There were tears streaming down his face again but he refused to say anything else. He gathered a few of his things and left, and nothing Chanyeol said or did could stop him. Chanyeol considered running after him but he didn’t think it would make a difference anyway, Baekhyun wouldn’t listen to him until he had calmed down. Not that he deserved a chance, but his heart wouldn’t let him give up, and he thought he should probably listen to it considering that ignoring it was what had gotten him into this mess to begin with.

A month passed, and Baekhyun still wouldn’t talk to him. Chanyeol knew that he had gone to stay with Jongin and Kyungsoo until he could find his own place, but neither of them would tell him anything else or let him come over. Jongin did come visit every now and then to check on him at least; Kyungsoo was too pissed at him to bother. Jongin was angry with him too, but not enough to abandon him completely. Even he didn’t have much sympathy for his friend, and Chanyeol couldn’t really blame either of them. The one time Jongin had actually answered him when he asked how Baekhyun was doing, he’d been brutally honest.

“He’s a mess, Chanyeol, what do you expect? I don’t know exactly what happened or why you did it, but you really ed up this time. I know you want to fix things somehow, but I don’t think you can.”

Chanyeol was inclined to agree, but he couldn’t just leave things the way they were. When the day that would have been their third anniversary passed instead with both of them alone and miserable, he knew he had to do something. He asked Jongin to pass on a message for him, asking Baekhyun to meet him on Christmas Eve if he still felt anything at all for him, and his friend reluctantly agreed. Chanyeol took out the rings that had been gathering dust in his desk drawer, determined to do what he should have done a long time ago. On Christmas Eve, he went to the plaza outside of the theater where he used to work and waited. And waited. He waited for hours and hours, but Baekhyun never showed, and that was Chanyeol’s answer.

It took time but eventually Chanyeol did move on, as much as he thought he could anyway. He went to work without moping and his chest only hurt a little when he remembered Baekhyun’s face, though he tried not to do that very often. To his complete and utter surprise, it was actually Kris who helped him through it the most. Despite his own feelings for Chanyeol the older was very understanding about the break up, offering a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, whatever he needed. Over time they got to know each other better, and Chanyeol discovered that Kris was kind of great. He regretted how things had ended with Baekhyun, but perhaps there had been more to the kiss than he’d initially thought. Kris was nice, if not a bit clumsy, and incredibly caring and dedicated. He had been willing to remain friends if that was all Chanyeol wanted, and for a long time it was, but after six months of longing for someone he could no longer have Chanyeol thought that maybe it was time to try something new. He liked Kris, as more than a friend even, and it seemed like they could be happy together. Happy was something Chanyeol desperately needed, and so they started dating.

Kris was a good distraction, and as the months went on Chanyeol almost forgot about Baekhyun entirely. Almost, because he knew that a part of him would never be able to forget Byun Baekhyun. When the day of their anniversary came around, he wasn’t nearly as distraught as he thought he’d be, and he was grateful to his new boyfriend for that. He felt that things were going rather well for him, all things considered. Kyungsoo was talking to him again, albeit grudgingly, he was hanging out with Jongin regularly (something he hadn’t done since long before the breakup), and his relationship with Kris was progressing much better than he had initially thought it might. Even when Chanyeol had asked Kris out, he’d doubted his own ability to have a real relationship after everything that had happened, but they were good together.

It wasn’t until January that Chanyeol received a harsh wakeup call. He was home alone that night – Kris was busy with some family thing – and as usual, he made himself a quick dinner before settling in on the couch for some TV. He grabbed the remote off of the coffee table, turned the TV on, and – and promptly sent the device crashing to the floor, his hand going slack at the image staring back him from the screen.

“And the latest in entertainment news, SM Entertainment has announced plans to debut a new solo artist next month. Though he’s only had a year of training, rumor has it he’s got quite the voice, good enough to make up for his lack of experience…”

Chanyeol barely registered what the hosts of the show were saying because Baekhyun’s face was on his television screen. Baekhyun was on TV. Baekhyun had finally gone through with auditioning. Baekhyun was going to debut. Baekhyun was right there. Chanyeol hadn’t seen that face in more than a year, and the thought that it had been so long hurt more than he cared to admit. It shouldn’t hurt, because he was with Kris now and he was over Baekhyun. He tried to tell himself that, but he could only lie to himself for so long. It did hurt, seeing Baekhyun again. It hurt because he looked happy, and that meant he was happy without Chanyeol. And Chanyeol was not happy without Baekhyun, no matter how much he wanted to be. He thought he had moved on, but the truth was that he’d only been pushing Baekhyun to the back of his mind for all these months, letting Kris help him forget. In the end it only took one picture, one mention of his name for everything to come flooding back. Before Chanyeol knew it he was crying, for the year that they’d been apart, for the pain that they’d both gone through, and for the realization that he was still hopelessly in love with Byun Baekhyun. And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

The next year passed by in a blur. Chanyeol stayed with Kris because he didn’t know what else to do, and he wanted to love him. Kris was wonderful and treated Chanyeol with so much love and respect, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him except for the fact that he wasn’t Baekhyun. And that was the problem. He would never be Baekhyun, and Chanyeol’s heart only knew how to love one person. He did his best to be content with Kris, pretended as much as he could to make his boyfriend happy and keep his friends from worrying, but every time he heard one of Baekhyun’s songs on the radio or saw him on TV another piece of his carefully reconstructed heart shattered all over again.

Then November came. Chanyeol turned twenty-seven, mourned his fourth birthday in a row without the man he loved by his side, and Kris did the thing Chanyeol had never been able to. He proposed, and Chanyeol was forced to drop the façade.

“I love you, Chanyeol. I know this isn’t the most romantic proposal ever, you know this isn’t exactly my forte, but the important thing to know is that I want a future with you. I want to marry you. Will you do me the honor?”

Kris was perfect as always, down on one knee with a gorgeous ring, looking like a prince without even trying. Anyone with half a brain would have said yes to him, and yet Chanyeol hesitated. “I… Kris, this is…”

“That doesn’t sound like happy surprise,” Kris said with a frown, standing up and closing the ring box. “Do you not want to be with me?”

“No, that’s not it,” yes it is, “I just… I don’t know, marriage?” 

“Well, why not?” Kris asked, shrugging. “I love you, you love me, doesn’t it make sense?”

“I guess, but…” Just say yes! Chanyeol’s brain was telling him, but that stupid heart of his wouldn’t let him.

Kris’s mouth fell open slightly. “Do you not love me, Chanyeol?”

“I do!” It was a lie, but Chanyeol had said it so many times already that once more couldn’t really hurt, could it?

“Then why don’t you want to marry me? I understand if you don’t want to, I’m not trying to pressure you, I just want a reason,” Kris explained, and he was being so reasonable and kind about the whole thing that Chanyeol couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Because you aren’t Baekhyun!” The way Kris’s face fell made Chanyeol want to take it back, but it was the first true thing he’d said to his boyfriend in a long time, so he didn’t. “You’re not him, so I can’t marry you.”

“You’re still in love with him,” Kris said, voice hollow like he couldn’t believe what he’d just said even though it had clearly been a statement of fact. “Christ, Chanyeol, it’s been three years! Don’t tell me you’re still clinging on to him.”

“You think I don’t know how crazy it is?” Chanyeol asked, laughing drily. “We broke up three years ago, and he moved on with his life and never looked back. I should have done the same, and I tried. I’ve got this perfect man in front of me who has been nothing but good to me, and I should love you, I want to love you, but I can’t. I don’t. I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to try and force it for so long, but I thought my feelings could change with time.”

“You’re wrong,” Kris said, shaking his head. He was obviously upset, but seemed to be handling it relatively well at least. “You don’t want to love me. If you did, you would have been able to let him go. He’s the only one you want, he’s probably the only one you’ll ever want.”

“He is,” Chanyeol agreed. “If only he’d believed me when I told him that.”

Kris sighed. “Chanyeol, if that’s true, then what the hell have you been doing for the past three years? If you love him that much, then why did you give up so easily? You’ve wasted three whole years being miserable and watching him from afar.”

“I… well…” Chanyeol stuttered to find an excuse, but damn it, Kris was right. What had he been doing for three years, wasting time with a person he could never love instead of going after the person he already did? “You have a point there. Sorry, Kris, but I think this is it for us.”

Kris merely nodded and waved him off towards the door, sending him home. Chanyeol would have to make it up to him, one day, but first he had to make things right with Baekhyun – assuming it wasn’t too late.

As it turned out, it probably was. Three days after he broke up with Kris, Chanyeol heard the news. Byun Baekhyun, the rising star of the ballad world, had announced his engagement to a non-celebrity woman. He’d expected it to bother him a lot more than it actually did. He had always known that Baekhyun swung both ways, so that was no surprise, nor was it a surprise that Baekhyun had been seeing someone else after all this time when Chanyeol had done the same thing. The engagement bit was somewhat of a problem, but after a few days of internal debate Chanyeol decided not to let it deter him. Attempting to break up a relationship was very likely on the wrong side of the moral compass, but he couldn’t just give up, not again. He figured in the end it didn’t really matter. If Baekhyun didn’t love him anymore, he’d be rejected no matter what. And if, by some miracle, Baekhyun did still love him, then chances were he’d been suffering just as much for the past three years. In that case, Chanyeol would be doing the poor girl a favor by preventing her from marrying someone who didn’t really love her.

It had taken a lot of convincing and a great overuse of the sympathy card, but Chanyeol managed to get Baekhyun’s current phone number from Jongin.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea, Yeol. Do you really want to go down this road again, after all these years?” Jongin had asked, wary.

“Yeah, I really do.” Chanyeol was certain of that, and Jongin must have heard it in his voice because eventually he gave in and told him the number.

He still had the rings, and the fact that he had never been able to bring himself to get rid of them should have tipped him off long before this, but that wasn’t important anymore. He called Baekhyun for the first time in three years, and just like three years ago, asked him to meet at the plaza on Christmas Eve. All that was left was to see if it would turn out the same way as it had back then, or if Chanyeol’s luck would be different this time. He hoped with all of his being that Baekhyun could find it in his heart to give an idiot one more chance.

Chanyeol sighed, rubbing tiredly at his forehead with one hand. The other one was in his coat pocket, clutching his trusty ring box tightly. He glanced up at the large post clock next to him for what felt like the millionth time since he’d gotten there. It read 9:37. He’d been there for nearly two hours, sitting on a bench in the small plaza in front of the theater. It had started snowing about thirty minutes earlier and everything was already covered in a thin layer of white, adding to the festive atmosphere. The fountain in the center of the plaza had been turned off for the winter and draped in soft, blinking white lights, with matching decorations adorning the small trees around the area. It was a beautiful sight, especially in the moonlight, and Chanyeol wished he could enjoy it as much as the couples who were strolling around. Instead, he was alone on one of the most romantic nights of the year, waiting for someone who was never going to show up. He knew he should just give up and go home – it was getting really cold – but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. This was his last chance, his last hope of fixing the biggest mistake of his life, and he couldn’t just let it go that easily. He couldn’t let Baekhyun go that easily.

Besides, he mused, Baekhyun was always late. If he was coming, he wouldn’t have arrived at the proposed meeting time anyway, so it didn’t hurt to wait just a bit longer. As ‘a bit longer’ approached another hour Chanyeol was starting to find his own excuses for staying flimsy at best, but he still couldn’t leave. Baekhyun had to come, didn’t he? He wasn’t actually that optimistic about it, but he didn’t know what he was going to do if Baekhyun did show, so he had to keep hoping.

“Chanyeol…” the voice was barely louder than a whisper, but Chanyeol would know it anywhere and he silently thanked whatever deity had decided to bless him with good fortune that day because, “You’re still here.”

Byun Baekhyun was there, standing in front of him, in the flesh. He was three hours late but he was there, and for the first time in three years Chanyeol was seeing him outside of the television and his own memories. It was a wonderful sight. “Baekhyun, you came!”

“I did,” Baekhyun replied, slowly stepping closer to where Chanyeol was sitting. Chanyeol stood, walking to meet him halfway. Baekhyun was as beautiful as he remembered, even more so in person than he was on TV, and his heartbeat sped up as they stood in front of each other, the way it always did when he saw the other man. “I didn’t know if I was going to, but here I am. I honestly didn’t think you’d still be here though… you didn’t really wait out here for three hours in the snow, did you?”

“Um, well, kind of,” Chanyeol admitted, rubbing his neck sheepishly. “I was really hoping you would show up.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you had to wait for so long, then,” Baekhyun said, looking away.

Chanyeol laughed. “Don’t worry, you’re worth waiting for.”

“Why did you call me here, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked, getting straight to the point.

“To tell you that I love you.” It was as simple as that, and Chanyeol didn’t bother beating around the bush – he didn’t know how long Baekhyun would even be willing to stay and listen to him, so at the very least he had to tell him this. “And to ask if you still love me.”

Baekhyun’s breath hitched at the declaration. “Chanyeol…”

“Will you at least hear me out? I know it’s been a long time, and I have no right to ask this of you, but you came didn’t you? Please, just let me talk.” And to Chanyeol’s complete and utter delight, Baekhyun nodded.

“Thank you. I’m not even sure where to start really, I just needed you to know how I feel,” Chanyeol said, trying to figure out the best place to begin. He wasn’t sure if bringing up Kris was the best idea, but it was probably necessary. “After we… after well, you know, I was a mess. I was so lost without you. I still am, but that’s not the point, exactly. Kris tried to help me through it, and we became closer after that.”

“Wait, wait,” Baekhyun interrupted. “Kris as in… the guy you… that Kris? Tell me you didn’t bring me here to talk about him?”

“Yes, him, and no I didn’t so just listen!” Chanyeol shook his head in exasperation and continued. “We started dating – yes this is going somewhere – and I tried so hard to get over you. He was great, and I liked him, and I thought for sure I would fall in love with him and everything would be okay. But everything wasn’t okay, because every time I thought about you or saw your face on my television or heard your voice on the radio, all I wanted was to be by your side again. I couldn’t love Kris, because my heart only knows how to love you, Baek. You made your own place in it six years ago, and when you left me you left a Baekhyun-shaped hole behind that no one else could fill. Kris asked me to marry him last month, and I said no. Do you want to know why?”

“Why?” Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol might have been imagining it, but he thought the older man’s eyes looked awfully glassy.

“I told him that I couldn’t marry him because he wasn’t Byun Baekhyun. That you were only person I would ever want to marry. And then he asked me what the hell I was doing standing there when I could be chasing after you, and well, that was a fair point so here I am,” Chanyeol explained. For the first time since he’d purchased the rings four years ago, Chanyeol wasn’t afraid. He had no doubts this time, and he didn’t hesitate as he pulled the little black box out of his pocket, flipping it open to reveal the two silver bands. “Asking for forgiveness I don’t deserve. Asking for another chance to prove to you how much I love you. Because I do love you Baekhyun, whether you believe it or not, I love you more than anything on this earth. I always have and I always will.”

“Oh. Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh.’ I know this is crazy and I know you’re supposed to be marrying someone else but I couldn’t go the rest of my life not knowing what you would have said if I asked. So, Byun Baekhyun, will you marry me?” Chanyeol didn’t get down on one knee, because the ground was covered in snow and he was already freezing, but Baekhyun seemed too flustered to notice anyway.

“Chanyeol, you can’t… you can’t just…” Baekhyun stammered, gesturing wildly to the box in Chanyeol’s hand. “We haven’t seen each other in three years and you just propose out of nowhere like that will fix everything? That’s not how it works!”

Chanyeol winced, but he’d expected such a reaction. “I know, I know. If it helps, it’s not really out of nowhere. I’ve been planning this for four years, I was just to chicken to ever go through with it until now. Because, well, I’m kind of an idiot if you haven’t noticed.”

“At least we can agree on that,” Baekhyun chuckled, shaking his head. Then he added softly, “I knew about the rings.”

“…what?” That Chanyeol had not expected. “How?”

“I found them one day when I was cleaning up our room – you didn’t exactly hide them that well,” Baekhyun explained, a hint of sadness creeping into his voice. “I know you probably thought I didn’t bother with your desk, but I always secretly tidied it up for you. I guess you never noticed, but I never really expected you to. Anyway, I found them one day, and I was so happy. I thought ‘he’s actually going to propose! He really wants to marry me,’ and I was so excited Chanyeol, and I waited for you to do it. I waited, and waited, and I realized after a while that you were probably just nervous so I gave it time and didn’t worry about it too much. You took so long that I was tempted to tell you I knew and just ask you myself, but then I got scared. What if you were taking so long because you had changed your mind? So I kept quiet, and I kept hoping you would ask but you never did. Why couldn’t you have just asked me then Chanyeol? Before everything was so complicated.”

“Baek… I had no idea…” Chanyeol said, shocked. They had both wanted the same thing all along, and he had wasted so much time dancing around the subject. And now it might be too late. “I wanted it so much but I didn’t know if you felt the same way. We never really talked about it, and I was so afraid of you saying no that I talked myself out of it every time. That one fear spiraled completely out of control, and you know what happened from there. God, if I had just had the courage to ask the first time I had planned to, everything would have been so different.”

“I know. But you didn’t, and this is how things are now,” Baekhyun reminded him. “You hurt me so much back then, Yeol. It wasn’t even about the kiss; that hurt too, but I could have gotten over it. It was the fact that you had no faith in us. We went through one rough patch and you just gave up, you stopped believing that we were strong enough to last. It was basically a confirmation of what I had already begun to think: that you didn’t see a future with me anymore. I couldn’t stay with you knowing that. It wasn’t worth working things out with you if there wasn’t going to be an ‘us’ in the end anyway.”

“All I ever wanted was to be with you. I know I did a horrible job of showing you that then, but I’m here now and I still want that,” Chanyeol said. He hated the way Baekhyun looked every time he mentioned that incident; it obviously still hurt him, and Chanyeol would never forgive himself for doing that to him. He wanted to reach out and take Baekhyun’s hand, to comfort him somehow, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to do that anymore “I’m so sorry for what I did, I can’t say that enough, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you’ll let me. I know this is wrong, asking this of you when you’re already engaged, but do you really love her the way you loved me? There is no doubt in my mind that we’re meant to be together, and you can’t tell me that some part of you doesn’t feel it too.”

“I can’t go through that pain again,” Baekhyun said, biting his lip and letting out an unsteady breath. “I tried so hard to convince myself not to come here, that it wasn’t worth it. The last time you called me here, it was the day after I’d gotten my callback from SM. I told myself that it would be a new chapter in my life – I would finally start the career I’d been dreaming of since I was little, and I would forget all about you. It had been difficult for me to hold myself back from seeing you one last time, but I managed and that was supposed to be the end of it. I was never supposed to see you again.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Chanyeol choked, finally letting the tears spill. He’d been holding back from crying thus far, but Baekhyun’s words tore at his heart. What if he had actually gone through with his plan? What if they’d never, ever seen each other again? Chanyeol didn’t think he could have handled that, and he didn’t think he would be able to handle it now. “I promise you I will never hurt you like that again, I couldn’t bear it if I did. Just please, don’t make the same mistake that I did, don’t give up on us.”

“I never intended to. But if you make me regret it, Park Chanyeol, I will end you.”

And then Baekhyun was smiling, if only slightly, and Chanyeol didn’t understand because that had actually sounded like a yes. “Are you saying…?”

“Do you remember Kim Jongdae?” Baekhyun asked, and Chanyeol nodded. He’d been a friend of theirs in university, but they had lost contact after. He didn’t see why that was relevant now, but he listened anyway. “Well, he’s debuting in a new idol group soon, and I ran into him recently at a music show recording. He congratulated me on the news, and then he said the funniest thing. He said, ‘The girl is just a cover, right? You and Chanyeol are finally getting hitched, aren’t you?’ and when I told him no, he seemed genuinely surprised. Like he couldn’t actually imagine a Byun Baekhyun without a Park Chanyeol. And the thing is, neither could I.”

“You couldn’t?” Chanyeol asked, hardly able to believe it.

“No, I couldn’t. Singing is the only thing that’s kept me going for these last three years, you know. I think both of us tried to fill the space in our hearts with someone else, only to realize that it couldn’t be done,” Baekhyun explained. He was smiling fully now, and the tears slowly making their way down his cheeks were happy for once. “I broke up with her a week ago, because as it turns out my heart only knows how to love Park Chanyeol. So basically what I’m saying is yes, I’ll marry you. It took you long enough to ask, idiot.”

Chanyeol was still too stunned to do anything, because no matter how much he had hoped for it he had never actually expected Baekhyun to say yes. It didn’t feel real, and yet somehow it was.

“I just need to know that you still wanted this, that you weren’t going to get scared this time. Did you really think I would bother coming here just to reject you?” Baekhyun asked. He gently pried the ring box out of Chanyeol’s hand and took the smaller one out before handing it back, probably because Chanyeol still hadn’t made a move to do anything. The ring fit perfectly when Baekhyun slipped it onto his own finger. “There, now I’m officially yours Chanyeol. Don’t let me go again.”

“I won’t, Baekhyun, I won’t. Never again.”

Then Chanyeol found himself with an armful of Byun Baekhyun, and all was right in the world. It had taken three years too long to happen, but he had gotten his second chance and he was not going to screw it up this time.

One year later, on Christmas Eve, Park Chanyeol finally became Byun Baekhyun’s husband.

---END---

A/N: Oh my god I can't believe I finished this thing in time. I started it a few weeks ago, when the MiD MV came out, but I pretty much wrote the last 10k of it yesterday. So if any of it sounds wonky, its because I literally stayed up for 24 hours straight writing it. I just couldn't get this idea out of my head, so here it is. I apologize for such an angsty holiday fic but at least there's a happy ending, yes? I could never actually bring myself to break Baekyeol up for good. Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this so I really hope you enjoyed reading it as well! Thank you <3

P.S. For anyone who is/was reading Bloodline, I have not abandoned it. I actually have quite a bit written, I just need to get through a bit more of the plot and then edit it all and then I will have several new chapters for you, I promise. I just needed to get this plot out of my head before I could work on anything else.