Staring at the ceiling, recalling what just happened this afternoon, I am irritated again. She is jealous of a female friend of mine just because I chatted with that friend happily in the restaurant when we were dating. What made it worse was that she greeted my friend ironically. At the end of our meal, she could not hold her grudge and just warned my friend not to meet me again. I mean what kind of a girlfriend she is. Every time we have a quarrel, I cannot stand the cold war and would end up pleasing my chic girlfriend, Heo Gayoon. However, this time I will not give in anymore. She is way too mean to my friend. Plus, I have my privacy. She cannot just ban me from making friends, having any connection with other girls. I am dating her, not sending myself to the jail! Unable to hold my temper, I punch the bed hard. Soon, I figure out another side of the bed is empty. Where is she? I let out a sigh as I know I will soon end up giving in to her again.

Heo Gayoon…Do you understand how much I love you? I smile at the photo of us before walking out of our room. The long hair girl sits on the couch, watching TV. Observing her at the back, I cannot help but chuckle as I see her tearing off tissues, throwing them on the floor.

“I hate you Jeon Jiyoon…I told you not to get close to her and you yelled at me because of that stupid girl.” She throws the tissues on the floor again.

Apparently, she is still mad at me but somehow she looks cute to me.

“That woman is a ! She flirts with everyone and you believe what she said instead of me.” She adds while still talking to herself.

Alright. This is enough. My friend is not a . She never did anything wrong, did she? Stop humiliating my friend.

“That’s enough, Gayoon.” She ignores me but starts sobbing at the same time.

“I know…I know what you would say. It’s my fault again, right!? But she really is a , why don’t you trust me!” She yells at the TV.

“WHATEVER!” I yell back, finding myself sitting at the other side of the couch.

I guess our cold war starts again huh? My breath is getting heavier since I want to shout out loud but I can’t coz I don’t want to put our relationship on risk. Her tears keep pouring at some point my heart aches. But there is no way for me to forgive her that easily. This is not how she treats people.

“I hate you…” She tightens her fists.

“AHHH!” She screams before breaking down. My heart tightens as hard as her fists, that it hurts. I move myself close to her, want to hold her; but she stands up, grabs her jacket, then walks out of the house.

“It’s cold outside!” I shout but again I am ignored.

Quickly I grab my coat and follow her. Somehow I find a big hole on my coat. I push off those irrelevant thoughts and follow the girl quickly. She keeps walking even I call out her name for a several times. I give up. Instead, I just follow her silently, protecting her from behind. To my surprise, she is heading to the place where belongs to us, our secret garden, just a few blocks away from our house. We built a wood house there, basically, I built there for her. Her favourite flowers, sunflowers, around the house, it shines even at night. She pushes the wood door, entering the house. Our photos are all hung around in the house. Last second she was still crying and now she is smiling her tears away as she starts looking at our goofy photos. That makes me smile at the back as well. But soon she bursts into tears again.

“Don’t cry…” I cannot help but feel sorrow.

Okay I can’t stand this again. She drags herself to the wood armchair that I made for her, finding her seat there. Her hands brush the armrests gently, tears falling down. I feel helpless here. Seeing my girl sobbing, I only stand here and tell her do not cry.

“Gayoon ah…Please…” My words are cut off as her phone rings. My heart squeezes when I see her trying hard to stay calm to answer the call. Wiping off the tears on her face, she picks up the phone.

“Hello? Yea..I’m fine…” For a while to listen to the person talking on the phone, she pours her tears out again. She holds her head, sobbing again.

“No…I’m…I’m fine…” She tries to stay calm even her voice already cracked.

Sniffing, breathing, calming, she tries to sound normal, she is trying hard. I guess I really broke her heart this time. Don’t think I could be able to see her crying face anymore. I step out of the house for a break. Taking a deep breath, I think I am ready to go back with her. Meanwhile, she is coming out from the house. She fixes her clothes.

“Look…Gayoon…” She walks away…without waiting for me to finish my words…My heart sinks.

“I’m sorry Gayoon.” No response again. I know now she hates me that much. She…hates…me. With my broken heart, I try to push off my negative thoughts and follow her again.

This time she leads me to the restaurant that we went this afternoon. Why is she going back there? Is she going to scold at my friend again? No way, I’m not gonna let her do that. Without noticing my girl walks so fast that she is far away from me now, I catch up with her quick. What I never want it to happen, it is happening right now. She pushes door violently, grabs my friend who is indeed flirting with someone else. Things happen so fast that I am not able to stop Gayoon.

“Gayoon! Stop it.”

I try to grab her wrist but my hands go through her body LITERALLY. What just happened? Once again, I try to grab the girl who is tugging the hem of my friend’s shirt, failed. My hands slip into her body and slip out. What the is happening?!

“YOU ! It was all your fault! If it wasn’t you flirting with Jiyoon, we wouldn’t have had a fight. And she wouldn’t have left the house, and met the ing robber! She got killed! YOU !” She screams loud enough that everyone could hear her in the restaurant while I am still trying to figure out what happened to my body.

My eyes widened with tears lingering on. W…What did she say… I…I…I…What? I…I got killed? Slowly I look up at the girls. Gayoon gives her a slap while her tears pouring out. This whole time is scaring out of me. What the is happening? What did she say…Was she joking? This..this is the reason why…she kept ignoring me before? No way…you gotta be kidding me.

“Gayoon…Gayoon…stop! Listen to me, Gayoon. I’m here!” I shout at her, waving at her but none of them can see me.

My stomach starts to squeeze hard as if someone stabs me with a knife. All of a sudden, the scene of me stopped by the robber. The scene of him asking me to give him money but I was too pissed to obey. I…fought with him. And my madness killed me, not that robber. If I just gave him money, he would have let me go. It was me. To be accurate, I committed suicide. I fought against him and he stabbed me with his knife, his long knife. Then I could only remember that I kept bleeding, lying on the floor of the dark alley. I was regretting, regretting that I had a fight with my girlfriend, Gayoon. Now my stomach squeezes again. I gasp at the pain, trying to get Gayoon to notice me. Gayoon is kicked out of the restaurant. She is hopeless, she is desperate, she is miserable. Following her back to home, I find myself crying along with her.

“I’m sorry Gayoon. I left you too early. Please forgive me…” I try to comfort the girl who is crying her heart out, holding her knees tight on our bed.

My tears fall. I accompany her until she falls asleep into tears.

How can I just leave like this. How can I be this selfish! There are a lot of things that I want to tell her. There are a lot of things that I want to do with this woman. Please…Please give me one more chance. ONE MORE CHANCE PLEASE. I guess…it is too late…

“Sorry” I caress her face for the last time as I know I will never be able to do that again.

Tearstain on her face rips my heart off. My fingers follow her jaw, place on her lips, brushing it softly. In front of me, here is my girl, a girl that I can never be able to touch her, to kiss her, to even see her. This girl was my everything, still is. However, my madness ruined everything as well. My madness took everything from me, including my life, including Heo Gayoon, my love. I thought I was the one who scarifies more in this relationship, but now I figure out… It was her. This woman gives in everything to me. She gave everything to me. Never had I thought about how much she loves me; instead, I just think about how much I gave her.Never had I cared about her. But again, it is too late. Regrets always appear when you missed something, something important.

“Gayoon ah, don’t miss me. Get over me.” I brush her hair gently, messing her hair which she hates me to do that.

I smile bitterly at her. My tears pour again. I hold myself from staying here long. Before leaving, all I want is only to feel this girl’s lips. Leaning down to her, I bring myself to her face. She looks so peace when she sleeps. She looks so gorgeous even she frowns. I am gonna miss you a lot. For the one last time, I press my lips against hers, gently, softly, slowly. The feel from the kiss this time is different. Somehow I can really feel her lips now. Closing my eyes, I enjoy tasting her, tasting her kissable lips. Her favourite flavor, raspberry, tastes just like her, sweet with passion. At this moment, I feel connected with her. The touch of our lips links us together, blending us together. Slowly I open my eyes, admiring at her beauty. The sun is rising. It is almost the time.

“Move on…Find someone else. I love you, Heo Gayoon.” Her eyes opens slowly as if she was woken by my words.

Her fingers quickly cover her lips. Did she feel that? She sits up immediately.

“Jiyoon…No! I’m not gonna see anyone else!”

My name slips through out of . She did…hear me… She starts searching for me in every single room in the house. Eventually she drags herself back to the bed, pouring tears.

“She’s gone…” She mumbles without a soul. My stomach squeezes hard at the moment.

“Gayoon…” I gasp at the pain.

“Goodbye…” I whisper into her ears, fading as the sunlight stepping into our room.

“I love you, Jiyoon.” The last few words I hear from my girl…

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The song: Monrose - What You Don't know