I get stress out, I write, that's what I do. I hope you like it. Also my first time writting in First person for a long time (and first time for a fic) so I hope it doesn't . 

Warning: dark, thoughts of suicide, cutting and death. If you're uncomfortable with any of those topics, do not read, this is a really dark fic. 

 

 

 

 

From Miles Away...

I will still love you.

And I still need you.

 

My name is Kim Myungsoo.

I once had a friend named Lee Sungjong.

I still have a friend named Lee Sungjong.

He’s just not with me.

 

I think it all started when he moved away.

You see, Sungjong and I, we only ever had each other. My only friend was Sungjong and Sungjong’s only friend was I.

Sungjong had a smile. I would smile, but only for Sungjong.

He was the one who made me smile every day; he was the one who kept me going.

 

Sungjong moved away from our little town to the big city. He told me when he left that he would always be only a text away and we would always be friends.

Maybe it was because he moved away that I was forced to make new friends to stay afloat in the nightmare I lived in.

My first friend was Sungyeol. He understood that I missed Sungjong a lot and in his own way, he kept me happy and moving on.

Sungyeol had a friend that slowly grew on me. Jang Dongwoo. He was a weird friend sometimes but he was Sungyeol’s best friend.

Still, even though I had my new friends, I would stay away from the crowds, sitting with my phone texting Sungjong just because that’s what I wanted to do.

Sungyeol or Dongwoo would always try to drag me out but I would always refuse.

“I have Sungjong. I’m not alone.”

 

It was true, I have Sungjong, I wasn’t alone.

If I lost Sungjong, I would be lost in the world.

Which in the end, somewhere in the storm, we lost each other.

 

----------//---//---------

 

If anyone but Sungjong, Sungyeol or Dongwoo would look at me, they would think that I was a pretty normal guy and my life was average and I was a happy guy.

Nobody, except for Sungjong, Sungyeol and Dongwoo knew all the hurt I was hiding inside.

Sometimes, I would suffer from panic attacks about the little things, never anything that I should be panicked about but yet still, I panicked and the only think I wanted to calm myself down was Sungjong.

Because, yes, all I needed in this world was Sungjong.

I knew he would always be there for me and he would always pick up on his end of the line.

 

The first day that I didn’t receive a reply was four months later.

He didn’t answer.

I was disappointed. I knew that maybe it was a little thing catching him up, because before, plenty of times, he had fallen asleep and taken a nap in the middle of one of our conversations.

I told myself to wait, so I waited patiently. I stayed up for a long time that night, watching my phone, waiting for it to buzz and let me know that Sungjong was there. He didn’t reply.

I had dark circles under my eyes for the next day as I didn’t sleep very long last night.

Sungyeol noted that. For a moment before he understood, he was mad at Sungjong for keeping me up like that.

The way that he reacted was exactly like Sungjong had reacted once when the girl I was after stopped being my friend.

I was worried until Sungjong texted me later that night, telling me that he had a fever and was basically knocked out for the last day.

There was no way that I could stay mad at Sungjong.

He was Sungjong and I would die without him.

 

School had started again and Sungjong madly tried to keep his grades up, even though I knew he would do fine, he wouldn’t listen and keep on working hard.

I think I should’ve cared about my own grades a bit more, but I couldn’t do what Sungjong was doing, I needed every single piece of time outside of school by myself.

Sungyeol and Dongwoo had long given up trying to get me to participate in little things that obviously I had no interest in.

Only one of the things they shoved upon me stuck with me.

The school’s play.

I didn’t want to be in the play, I wanted to be part of the background, I was totally satisfied to be one of the shadows in the back moving the props around between scenes.

That’s what I wanted to do.

I enjoyed being the anonymous shadow in the background. It was something I enjoyed.

 

But slowly, I started to fail.

My grades started to drop.

Sungyeol and Dongwoo realized that first, I wasn’t trying as hard as I could’ve been at school. If I were given a chance to redo a project that I got a E in, I wouldn’t take it. I was trying my best to keep a float in the sea of schoolwork.

On some days, I felt like the only thing keeping me a float was Sungjong.

Sungjong was my only savior.

But he was having his own troubles too. He hated the city, he was struggling with his grades too. I wanted to be there for him, but I was hardly strong enough to keep my own head above the water.

Even though I was struggling, I gladly drowned for Sungjong.

 

--------//---//-------

 

Everyone says that long distance relationships, even if they are just friendships, are impossible, they will always break.

Well, for Sungjong and I it worked.

It nearly did. It at the beginning of the fifth month he moved was when Naeun came into the picture.

Sungjong… well, he’s always been a lonely kid so I was happy for him.

He told me that Naeun was a lot like me at some points, but he missed me more.

One day, he was hardly talking to me and when I asked what he was doing, he told me that he was talking with Naeun, it sparked jealousy in my stomach.

Totally irrationally, I didn’t want Sungjong to have another friend, just like I couldn’t like without him, I wanted him to not to be able to survive without me too, so that I knew I was needed.

But I knew that Sungjong needed a friend to survive in the big city and provide support that I couldn’t.

So I took a step back.

But I wanted to tell Naeun to take care of Sungjong for me, Sungjong’s a wonderful person and he shouldn’t be taken advantage of or anything like that.

Sungjong was someone special, someone that I needed, someone that needed to be taken care of.

And I trusted Naeun to do that.

 

Sungjong started to disappear for days at a time.

On those days, I sat in my desk, having a staring contest with my phone, jumping at every single little thing.

I couldn’t do it alone.

I kept onto the thought that Sungjong was going to come back to me, he was going to reply to the hundred text messages I sent him while I was missing him.

It was a week after I last talked to him that I started.

 

That night, I started cutting myself.

Honestly, at first it was a mistake.

I was working on a project that was due the next day when my finger slipped and I paper cut myself on a sheaf of papers.

I didn’t do anything. I watched the blood slip out of my fingers before finally standing up to the bathroom to bandage my fingers.

But when I opened the bathroom cabinet, I found my razor.

Still, to this day, I’m not sure what happened. When the next day came, I found myself lying on my bed, thin stains of blood tracing up and down my torso, just above my heart.

 

I missed Sungjong so much.

From the first day forwards, I found myself every day standing in the bathroom, dragging the blade over the barely healed scars on my chest.

Sungjong was the first one that I told.

 

Each time I made a cut, I thought that I released some of the pain.

I gave my blood for some closure and some peace of mind. If something bad happened at school, another cut was made over my heart. If something happened at work, another cut next to the other. If anything happened to me, a thin line of blood formed next to the already bleeding lines.

Why above my heart?

Because if I cut above my heart, the regrets would flow out easier, the pain would come more directly too me.

And maybe because the hurt was inside my heart and I needed to let out the pain from the deepest part of my soul. 

 

I got a reply from Sungjong that night.

Sungjong apologized over and over again to me, explaining that he was out with a bad fever and stomach flu.

I couldn’t stay mad at Sungjong. He was the only thing keeping me alive in this world.

But that night, I cut again, knowing that if Sungjong knew that I was cutting, he would be disappointed in me and that was the last thing I wanted.

 

--------//---//-------

 

I had a bad night.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t cut, at least not until I finish the project. I tried my best, I really did.

Only after the fact, I found myself in the bathroom, the razor back in my hand cutting through my shirt and my pale skin.

I knew I couldn’t do it any more.

I begged Sungjong to video call me right then and now. He obliged, because he was my friend, no, he was my brother.

I sat there shakily as Sungjong adjusted the camera so we could both see each other.

As he asked me what was wrong, wordlessly, I stood up, pulling my shirt up revealing the freshly cut scars.

Sungjong started at the screen, even after I sat down, covering my chest again. He reached out to the camera, as if he could touch me through it.

“Myungsoo, why?”

I poured out my heart to him, sidestepping the fact that some of the reason was that he wasn’t talking to me that week because I knew he would blame himself.

Sungjong just watched me before finally asking me if I was happy.

In all truth, I wasn’t happy, I would never be happy.

Not without him by my side.

He told me gently, because he couldn’t do anything for me, to go get help from a counselor.

I didn’t need his advice though, I needed him.

 

I held him close. I didn’t let him go. I would never let him go.

There were days that I suffered.

When he didn’t talk to me, I didn’t talk to anyone else. I know it sounds foolish, maybe my whole story sounds foolish, but that’s what I did on some days when I felt to tired or too hurt to do anything else.

There were days that I was just a plain koala. I would latch onto the back of the closest person, usually Sungyeol, and never let go.

 

Sungyeol, I knew, he was smart. I think he knew what was going on with me. But he never said a word. He just humored me as I buried my nose into his shoulder blade. He was ticklish, but he never said anything as I probably tickled him.

He didn’t say any thing, as he knew that I was hurting.

 

Contrast to Sungyeol, my older brother Sunggyu, knew something was wrong with me and he asked me.

I never said anything,

I only needed Sungjong.

Sunggyu… he wouldn’t understand.

Sungyeol… there was nothing that he could do.

Dongwoo… even though I loved him, there was no way that he could be able to help me.

A counselor… it wouldn’t work.

I was alone.

But I had Sungjong.

That’s all I needed.

 

My plan of not telling anyone failed miserably.

My music teacher called me out on it. I later asked her how she figured it out, she just plainly told me that my music was a extension of my voice.

I was calling out for help through my music, the pain leaking through my notes.

There were little things that she could do though; all she got me to do was to go to a counselor. The counselor was very little help too. Because all I needed was Sungjong.

 

After my music teacher confronted me, I became scared that someone would see that I was hurting too and my secret would be spilled out to the public.

I told myself that I would be okay, because Sungjong was finally recovering from his sicknesses and he was there for me constantly.

All I needed was Sungjong.

But maybe I needed music too.

 

The work finally broke me.

I stared at the sheets before me as I started my third night in a row without any sleep. I glanced at my clock, three hours until I needed to hand it in. I was now where near finished.

Pain shot through me. I looked down.

Unintentionally, I had leaned against my pencil, causing it to dig painfully between my ribs.

I glanced over at my phone. I couldn’t do it, I would be hurting Sungjong too. I couldn’t…

I lifted up my shirt and took the razor in my hand again.

This time I didn’t cut just straight lines.

I’m sorry Sungjong.

Those words scared my chest forever, even after the lines faded away, because there was no way that I could ever be forgiven for what I did.

 

--------//---//-------

 

I stumbled to school that day, ready to hand the project in.

Sungyeol stared at me and plainly told me that I looked like a zombie. I knew I did, I just wanted to sleep.

We sat together in the lunchroom with Dongwoo like usual. Sungyeol was rubbing my shoulders, calming me down a bit.

“I tried so hard.”

Both of them jumped at my sudden confession.

“I tried so hard. I couldn’t do it. I failed him. I promised him that I wouldn’t cut any more. I thought I could, I can’t.”

I was crying. I couldn’t stop. Sungyeol and Dongwoo were exchanging looks, clearly confused about my sudden breakdown. Sungyeol patted my shoulder, whispering calming words in my ear but I couldn’t hear any of it.

I needed Sungjong. Sungjong was all I needed. Where was Sungjong?

Dongwoo was asking where it hurt and if I was okay. I kept my head down as I slowly ed my uniform’s shirt, revealing the scars underneath and the words on my chest.

Everything’s blurring in my head and it was getting suffocating in there and I knew I needed to get out of there. I only got two steps away before my knees gave away from underneath me and I collapsed on the cold floor.

“Myungsoo!”

I couldn’t get myself up off the floor as Sungyeol shook my shoulder frantically. The fall to the floor opened my cuts again and blood dripped onto the floor underneath my stomach, staining my white shirt.

“Where’s Sungjong, I need Sungjong. Please. Where’s Sungjong?” I repeated that over and over again, my cheek pressed against the floor, tears trapped between my eyes.

Sungyeol was yelling for Dongwoo to go get a teacher as I started to close my eyes.

Maybe I was dying, and then all my troubles wouldn’t be such a mess. I didn’t know, all I knew was that I was very tired and I needed some rest.

Sungyeol’s word faded away from me as everything grew darker.

 

Sungjong told me not to worry, he was going to be there for me. He was going to be there for me.

I was okay by that because all I needed was Sungjong. Everyday, I just needed Sungjong.

I just wanted to open my eyes and see Sungjong.

Instead, as I did open my eyes, I found Sunggyu sitting by my bed.

I don’t know which one of us were more hurt and which one of us were crying more.

 

Sungjong didn’t know.

I didn’t tell him and I made sure that Sunggyu or Sungyeol didn’t tell him.

But I forgot to ask Dongwoo.

Sungjong texted me asking why I was so sad.

The reason that I was sad, was that I was missing Sungjong. I never told him, I promised that I would never tell anyone that the reason I was hurt was because of him, because I missed him.

He would never know. I promised myself that.

 

Sungjong… he was a little angel. He was beautiful but his soul and heart held a lot of hurt.

I knew that, every day I wanted to help him but I was hardly able to hold my head above the water.

I knew that if I clung on to hard, he would be pulled down too, so I tried not to hold on too hard.

Sungjong told me one day that I was holding him up. From that day on, I tried, I tried, I tried to keep my head up and him in the sunlight.

But after each day, I realized that I couldn’t hold him up for a little longer.

 

Sungjong.

All I needed was Sungjong.

But he left me.

It wasn’t his fault but my heart crumbled and I felt betrayed.

The reason that Sungjong moved away wasn’t for his mother’s work but it was because he was sick.

He couldn’t be cured in the small town hospital that we lived in, so they moved to the city.

The city hospital had the medicine and the equipment that could help him, but they were too late.

Sungjong had a beautiful face and a fragile heart.

He could’ve been saved if he had moved there earlier but now he was dying.

 

--------//---//-------

 

I received the news during school.

I’m not sure why my mother thought it was the best idea to tell me during school but she did.

She brought me outside into the hall and told me quietly that Sungjong was dying.

I heard her, but I didn’t want to face the truth. I found myself stumbling away from her, slowly picking up speed as I raced down the hallways, nearly falling down the stairs and crashing into everything in my blind panic.

It wasn’t true. My thoughts denied.

But it was.

 

Sungyeol found me. Of course he did.

He knew me too well. He told me it was because I was too tired to put my shields up, the stoic face I tried to put on always failed.

I was in the music room, thankfully it was empty. I wasn’t sure how I got there but I could feel the bruises forming over my body where I had crashed into things on the way there.

I snapped that day.

All the stress and grief that was pent up inside of me exploded in one long scream. I thought my heart was ripped in half by the force of the scream. My vocal cords were sure ripped apart in the scream though as the next day my throat was so sore I couldn’t speak.

My feet took me towards the instruments and only with great self-control, I didn’t rip all of them off the stand. Instead, I gripped one of the guitars in my hand.

 

It didn’t look different than any of the other guitars in the room but it was mine and I had spent many hours repairing that guitar that I knew it front to back.

In a spilt second, all the work that I had put into the guitar was ruined.

I swung my guitar at the wall in frustration, and it shattered to pieces in my hand. 

I wasn’t sure why I broke it. It wasn’t because of the grief, (what I did next took care of the grief) it was because of something else. Now I think back on it, I think it might have been because I was shattering the past to make to so that Sungjong still hadn’t left my side and he was alive and well.

The pieces of the guitar matched my feelings in my heart. Broken… unfixable…

 

I staggered over to the desk and leaned against it, breathing heavily, clutching my chest where my heart and scars were.

My fingers touched something cool and when I looked down, it was a X-acto knife. I thought that I wouldn’t but my body was done listening to my mind. My fingers found hold onto a knife and I slit my pale skin open.

That’s how Sungyeol found me; curled up in the back of the music room, shaking with fear and grief, scarlet drops of blood landing around me.

He patted my hair and wrapped my bleeding arms with his blazer.

“Playing with someone’s hair when they’re sad is comforting.” He informed me. It was true I was calming down a bit as he patted my hair and my back.

“You’re going to be okay Myungsoo, it’s just a temporary phrase. Sungjong’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay too.”

 

I was hurt.

I was mentally unstable, emotionally unstable.

“Are you considering killing yourself Myungsoo?”

The nurse’s soft words hardly meant anything to me as she professionally bandaged my cuts.

I was ashamed.

I was too tired to try to lie.

They can’t help me at all.

But the only thing I could do was nod.

Yes I want to die right now. Without Sungjong, there’s nothing I want to live for any more.

 

--------//---//-------

 

I was in a mental hospital.

As if that helped me.

But in some ways, it did help me.

Woohyun was his name. He was Sunggyu’s age, he was a big brother to me. Woohyun looked so sunny and bright, it was hard to tell where the hurt started.

But I knew he was hurting, he was the same as me.

Everyone there was the same as us.

 

Except for one. One person I saw wasn’t the same as us.

Dongwoo was walking through the halls leading another boy beside him.

Woohyun told me that the patient’s name was Hoya. Hoya had been and since then, he had been in the hospital.

I nodded and I realized then who had told Sungjong that I was hurting and his motives behind it.

He had someone who was the same in his life and he wanted to help the ones that he could.

That day, I realized that I needed to get out of there so I could be with Sungjong.

 

I want to go be with Sungjong.

But I can’t. My mother won’t let me.

I can’t turn back to cutting, the doctor made sure to keep track of my scars and made sure there were no new scars anywhere.

I can’t run away.

I did try.

But Sunggyu stopped me. He’s my older brother and even though sometimes I consider Sungjong to know me better, Sunggyu’s still my blood brother and there’s no way that I could ignore him.

So I stayed by Sunggyu’s side.

 

I still watched my phone blankly, waiting for Sungjong to text me. Sungyeol sat down beside me and just waited there with me.

I knew that Sungjong was in the hospital, receiving treatment and all he should’ve had to worry about was himself.

But I was selfish, I wanted him to worry about me.

All I need was Sungjong. That’s all I knew.

If I had to wait for him, that meant that I would wait. If I had to go find him, I would’ve gladly gone to find him.

All I needed was Sungjong, but he was no longer there.

 

I don’t know what happened that one day but one day, I woke up, my head screaming and everything hurting.

In a flash, the other night came back.

I had gotten drunk.

Really drunk. I will only ever remember bits and pieces of that night but I will always remember the burn of the alcohol down my throat and the numbness and escape it gave.

I didn’t try it again though, the disappointment I saw in Sunggyu’s eyes was enough to but the lid back on the bottle.

 

Sometimes, music helped me going but one day, the music disappeared from my ears and I couldn’t hear the songs any more.

I think I some how found comfort in the loneliness, the silence. I did, all I became was one of the shadows in the background.

I kept my silence, I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was hurting.

 

I think the reason that I kept my silence for that long was that I didn’t want to hurt anyone around me, I didn’t want to hurt anyone any more.

Before I started to fail, all I wanted to do was to make the ones that I loved proud.

Life didn’t work out that way for me. The only thing that I could do know was to make sure that I didn’t hurt anyone.

I did hurt many people in the end though.

 

--------//---//-------

 

Sungjong died.

He passed away peacefully, that’s what I’m told but I didn’t believe that.

If I’m hurting this much because he died, doesn’t that mean that he’s feeling this pain too?

Sungyeol, Dongwoo and Sunggyu keep a extra careful eye on me, probably expecting me to start breaking down, to start cutting again.

I didn’t though.

But I did run away.

I didn’t take anything with me except for money and my phone. I didn’t say anything because I knew that I was going to come home soon, there was only one thing that I needed to do.

I took a train to the big city, all of the promises I made pumping through my body.

The reason I ran away was to visit Sungjong’s grave.

 

Sungyeol found me.

I think he will always find me.

He knew where to look, he found me, again, curled up in a ball in front of Sungjong’s grave, shaking with grief and cold, tears running down my face.

Sungyeol rubbed my hair again and patted my back as I continued to cry.

In some ways, I made the people I love proud. I didn’t cut that day.

 

Sungjong’s last words to me…

I’m proud of you.

Keep your chin up, something good’s going to happen soon! Have a good long rest!

I love you.

How could he say something’s good’s going to happen when he dies the next day? It’s not something good that happened, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

How ironic that he said have a good long rest when right now, he’s in an endless slumber, a rest that he will never wake from.

I never got to say I love you back.

Now that he’s gone, I will never say I love you to him.

 

Somewhere down the road, I stopped eating.

I just wanted to shut out the whole world but I couldn’t do that. In ways, sitting in the darkest corners of my room, shaking with hunger was my escape.

On sunny days, I stayed in my room. The blinds drawn, and the door locked. I didn’t let anyone in. Sometimes, Sungyeol and Dongwoo or Sunggyu would rap on my door and try to open the door, shaking the doorknob. I would lean against the door, letting it shake with the concerns of my family and friends behind my back.

 

The only time that I would come out of the room was on rainy days. It was the only time that I felt safe to go outside, the times that no sun would reach my too pale skin, when I might get drenched with the tears that the earth shed.

More than once, Sungyeol would find me crouched by the side of the road or hunched over a bench on a rainy day.

He would scold me for going outside, then bundle me up in his jacket and take me home.

Then, I didn’t know why he was trying. Each time he found me, my body temperature would be dangerously low and my clothes were drenched through with rainwater and tears.

More often than not, I wouldn’t be able to walk all the way home, my frozen joints unable to take another step and Sungyeol would need to carry me home.

 

That happened on one day. I had walked far to an amusement park to where Sungjong and I used to go when we were younger.

Sungyeol found me on a bench, shivering with the cold, my skinny arms wrapped around my chest, trying to keep some warmth in my thin sweater.  

He took my hands in his and warmed them up the best he could before helping me stand up, but I could barely take two steps before my knees collapsed from underneath me.

I felt like I could never warm up. My sun was gone anyways. I was frozen to the core forever. 

 

--------//---//-------

 

Before, Sungjong was my escape, I knew that I could ask him to help me but now, I can’t reach him and I’m alone.

All I need is Sungjong.

My paradise was music.

From miles away, I could’ve sworn I saw Sungjong smile at jokes I texted to him, laugh when I did something stupid, jumping up and down with me when I accomplished something.

But now, he’s more than just a few miles away.

He’s too far and I miss him.

There’s no way that I could call out to him and get him back, I’m just alone in this world.

 

Sungyeol will find me.

Of course he will find me. Won’t you?

You know me too well, you know where I will go.

Because without Sungjong, it’s too lonely, all I need is Sungjong. I knew that he wouldn’t fail me.

But one day, I failed him, he failed me and we both drowned under the sea.

 

I was hurting.

It hurts too much.

The music is silent.

No one can hear my calls for all I am is a shadow.

I’m broke one too many promises.

I’m sorry.

 

Still, I sit here, waiting for Sungjong to text me back although I know that he will never do that.

 

My name is Kim Myungsoo.

By the time that you read this, I’ll be miles away.

 

But don’t worry.

I’ll be happy.

 

I’ll be with Sungjong. 

 

--------//---//-------

 

 

Cough... I warned you? Dark fic...

 

This story is dedicated to the one that I wrote this for, the one that I called Sungjong in this story. My friend that I called Sungjong in this story is very dear to me, but she's far away from me right now and I miss her. She's been sick recently and I haven't been able to talk to her for a long time.If you're reading this, my friend, I love you girl, and I hope to talk to you soon.

 

Sorry for the really dark fic in the really bright holiday season.  

Bye, thank you for reading. I'm off to write Deathnote from L and watch the Hobbit!