“I try to find you, who I can’t see.

I try to hear you, who I can’t hear.

Then I started to see things I couldn’t see,

Hear things I couldn’t hear.”

Exo – Miracles in December

A tiny speck of white falls on Kris’s nose and he stops dead on his track down the park’s path. Kris doesn’t need to think long to recognise what it is because before long he is looking up at the dark skies with a childish smile and an even childish enthusiasm. He stares at the millions other comrades of the fallen snow with unrelenting hopes and bewildered wonderment. The smile never faltering from his lips because if anything it keeps growing and widening.

“December is here.”

***

Kris was a man of high walls founded on black and white bricks, of cemented undeviating contracts in fonts that reek of formality and authority that eventually sealed human into obliging matters of facts and of laws. He comes from a family of cops. His heart beats for the people and it pumps blood that runs blue down his veins, that moves through his body to facilitate serving no other purpose than to serve and to protect. He has seen his fair share of reality. He has seen it through his father, through his brothers and he has seen it through his own two eyes.

He knows of what true values and intentions the world is structured upon, is created on and it is anything but nice.

Kris had thought of his wall to be invisible because really, he had it accounted with the most enduring of logics. He had always thought that if he let himself be clouded in whimsical thoughts and too high dreams that he’ll grow soft, had always never did find any trouble in letting go because Kris had never find himself having to hang on to something or someone, to a thing or a person worth fighting for. Kris was selfish, he knew. He saw only himself but in reality, how could he understand another’s heart if he didn’t even understand his own. Though even he at times found himself doubting if he had one that doesn’t pump blood that runs blue through his veins but instead one that beats humanly red blood through his seams; scattering humanly emotions within him that he scarcely is devoid of.

Kris acknowledged the irony, he really did. All his life, he was the one leaving people behind. He was the one to slip away in the first wink of morning; leaving only his shadow and the right side of the bed warmed.

All it really took eventually though was a kittenish smile and a literal arrow right through his heart to have him surrendered defenceless on the other side. Kris took the irony hard because he had always used the expression that if someone loves him then they must let him go because instead there he is; waiting at the end of a dark road for a literally dead lover to come back, wishing to himself how he shouldn’t had let him go – shouldn’t had let him leave.

***

It was a case alike no others. A year has passed by but Kris recalls the day of the event with the finest of details even down to the littlest of ones.

It was an abandoned old building tucked away in a reserved crook of Amsterdam Avenue. It used to be a very successful factory where they mass produced toys but gone away are the lights of the building.

On normal days it stood in morbid tranquillity; wary and distant but wise and secretive with its only companion the rats and the insects that bit the cottons off old dolls then resided and bred in the bellies of old red fire trucks. At days the lights shone through broken windows revealing bare, dusty floors and reflected of artificial, lifeless eyes while at night, the factory stood still.

Silence as the night, dark as the skies.

It was unlike any other nights as the case was unlike any other cases. The winter night was the coldest of any winter nights and Kris took knowledge that nothing about that night was alike anything of their usual kinds other than the familiarly reassuring blue and red lights emanating from the patrol cars.

Kris took hold of his kit from the backseat of his car and shut the door soundly before making his way to the inside of the building. He nodded his head to a few of his colleagues who stopped doing their jobs temporarily to greet him but aside from that, he let no distractions differed the fast pace he had perfected as he quickly made his way to the dead body.

As soon as Kris approached, he noticed a small table with arrows on them that seemed to be made entirely by hands. But it was not the exquisiteness of the arrows that distracted Kris but rather it was the familiarity that radiated from them and seeped through Kris’s bones that disturbed him and he took a shaky breath as he took in the sight of the lifeless body in front of him.

Jongdae was unlike any other and even the things associated with him were distinct from everything else - even his means of death.

Jongdae was lying on his side and he looked so memorable like that Kris could had sworn they were back in his apartment with Jongdae sleeping peacefully by his side and Kris propped up on one elbow as he watched the other slept. He looked truly like the angel that he was – wearing all white with his wings folded up by his side. But as Kris reached down and peered closely at his wings he noticed that some of them were turning gray instead of the colour white that they were before resorting permanently to ashes that scattered messily on the black sheets that Jongdae was lying on.

Kris fought the lump in his throat as he took in the metal arrow pierced through Jongdae’s throat and the blood clogged up in patterns on the sheets. He tried hard not to attain Jongdae in his arms and held him there forever because he couldn’t. He had to be professional and no one was supposed to know Jongdae existed at all.

“Poor kid ..”

Kris snapped out of his trance and peered over his shoulder to look at Doctor Donghae, a medic that was busily inscribing imperative information on his clipboard – not even bothered to look at Kris as he continued speaking.

“Tried to play cupid but ended up with his own arrow through his throat.”

***

Jongdae really liked his job because as he watched his arrow pierced through Chanyeol’s heart – leaving only a white smoke in its wake and no obvious physical wound on Chanyeol’s body, he thought to himself that he didn’t mind his job at all. When he watched the content smile on Baekhyun’s lips as Chanyeol kissed him right then and there on his doorstep and the delighted, surprised gasp when Chanyeol kneeled down and asked for his hand in marriage – Jongdae temporarily forgot that his arrow could never work on himself, that he and his kinds are fated to give love and not receive them.

Jongdae saw what a beautiful emotion love is and a very powerful one at that so he was proud of being in part to the whole process – of falling in love. In fact he was the one that initiated it, was the one who shot an arrow through Baekhyun’s heart over a year ago when he first saw the awkward, stumbling giant in a bar and looked at where they are now – happily in love with each other as they can and will ever be.

Jongdae smiled to himself – reflecting Baekhyun’s smile as Chanyeol pulled him in for a tight hug, almost never wanting to let go and as Jongdae slowly and soundlessly crept away into the darkness – the smiles on their faces fresh and evident in his mind, he spoke quietly to his mind.

‘I don’t mind at all, not one single bit.’

***

The first time Jongdae saw Kris was when he was tailing on Junmyeon. Kris was talking incessantly to Junmyeon as they both made their way over to Yixing’s.

Junmyeon was helplessly smitten by Yixing, Jongdae could tell but he was insecure and unsure of how Yixing was going to reciprocate his feeling – whether he felt the same way or not and so he decided to bring along Kris, his supposedly best friend for moral support. But Kris was anything but supportive and Jongdae thought he lacked a lot morally too.

“Junmyeon, I don’t think this is a good idea. Think about this for a second, man. He’s just a goddamn dancer for god’s sake. Though I must admit I’m sure he has got some killer hip s - ”

Jongdae puffed and rolled his eyes at that.

“It’s not about , Yi Fan.” Junmyeon retorted, face red. “Not everything is about , just in case you don’t know that.”

Kris looked thoughtful for a moment before shaking his head, “I really doubt that.”

Junmyeon rolled his eyes and chose instead to ignore Kris – already regretting his choice of best friend.

“Isn’t it too early to be official, Junmyeon? I mean, you barely know him and already you’re asking him to be your boyfriend.” Kris spat the word like it was filth in his mouth. “What the hell - ”

“God! What is freaking wrong with you?”

Kris suddenly turned silence, eyes wide and peering over his own shoulder.

“Wait. Who said that? Was it you?” Kris turned to Junmyeon again but his best friend shrugged and shook his head.

Kris peered one last time over his shoulder and rubbed the back of his neck impishly while muttering.

“Weird. I thought I heard something.”

Meanwhile, Jongdae was a shaking, trembling mess as he looked on with wide eyes at Kris and Junmyeon’s retreating backs. His silvery metal arrow dropped onto the ground with a resounding clank as he put both of his hands over his mouth in wild disbelieve.

 He couldn’t consider the possibility. It was he who had snapped at Kris earlier and he –

He heard him.

 Loud and clear.

But how?

***

The second time it was fated for Jongdae and Kris to cross paths again was through Kyungsoo and Jongin.

Kyungsoo and Jongin were – Jongdae could proudly said, the happiest couple under his care so Jongdae was severely devastated when he heard of what had happened to Kyungsoo but Jongdae supposed the agony he felt was tenfold amplified in Jongin’s heart.

The two of them had been in an accident involving their car and a van. They were on their way to Kyungsoo’s parents’ home as it was planned that they were to spend their Christmas there this year, which was about five days later. Jongin came out unharmed with only minor bruises but the accident took a toll on Kyungsoo and he was in a comma under strict observation.

Jongdae stood silently in a corner, watching with a wrenching pain in his heart as Jongin clung and desperately tried to reach Kyungsoo through the endless void of utter blackness his mind had created and trapped him in. It was sad that Kyungsoo couldn’t yet opened his eyes because Jongdae still remembered the look in his eyes as he looked at Jongin.

The love he saw there was unrelenting and unyielding as the sea. So strong was their love.

Jongin was interrupted when there was a sudden knock on the door and an officer came in, wearing a serious expression on his face. While Jongin had looked annoyed and undeserving of the interruption, Jongdae’s heart was beating wildly in his chest because he swore Kris had saw him standing in the corner of the room and for ten seconds had stared openly at him – eyes unblinking before he remembered the task he was responsible for and cleared his throat audibly.

“I’m sorry for what happened, Mr Kim but I have a few questions to ask you. May I?”

***

If the second meeting through Kyungsoo and Jongin sparked a light of curiosity in Jongdae then the third time Jongdae met Kris when he was trailing behind Minseok and Luhan ignited the flame of confirmation within him.

“Is that a Cosplay or something?”

Jongdae gasped when he heard a voice behind him before immediately turning around and there Kris was – smirking at him as he eyed him from head to toes.

Jongdae tried hard to fight through the panic brewing up inside of him and prayed hard that it didn’t showed through his expression and instead frowned before answering Kris passively. “No, it’s not.”

“Or is it some kind of s they do a lot nowadays - ”

“God, you’re insufferable.” Jongdae moaned - effectively cutting Kris off, not wanting to hear what he wanted to say. 

Kris took no offense in that and instead smiled a charming smile at Jongdae while offering his hand.

“I’m Kris.”

Jongdae swallowed down convulsively upon the sight of Kris’s smile because what the hell my heart is beating so loudly.

He took Kris’s hand with his own – Kris’s hand relatively larger than his and was able to envelop his fingers fully, and smiled the same charming smile up at Kris.

“Jongdae.”

***