Somehow we managed to keep our relationship a secret, even though there was a proof on my phone, my cupboard or my nightstand. Basically Byun Baek-hyun was just everywhere. Once, my mother noticed the picture, which Baek-hyun sent me to confess to me a while ago, and tried to read it. Fortunately she wasn’t able to read it because of Baek-hyun’s worse handwriting. Usually his handwriting was not that bad but I guess he was really nervous when he wrote the text on the picture. But it was so cute. He was cute. He was still cute after 13 months. We spent our anniversary one month ago in the building of our new agency. After our first show together a long time ago the talent scout didn’t call us but they recommended us to another agency: SM Entertainment, which is famous for its K-Pop bands as Super Junior, Girls Generation or TVXQ. Now we were trainees under the same agency and practiced really hard to become good Idols one day.

“Giant…talk to me…you’re boring today…” I sighed loudly. “Don’t you have singing lessons, today? You should sing or memorize the lyrics of some songs…” He looked at me angrily so I tried to appease him “I’m sorry, my dear…Give me 5 more minutes, okay?” “I won’t! See you…” He stood up immediately but couldn’t leave the room because I pushed him gently against the wall and kissed him. “Okay…I will postpone it. But don’t run away from me, okay?” He nodded and softly touched my lips with his finger. He was really cute. I kissed him again and put my arm around him. Then I lifted him up and carried him to let him fall on my bed. He looked at me with this ‘I-love-you-look’ when I kneeled over him and started to kiss him again. Because he complained a minute ago I just gave him the attention he wanted so desperately. Afterwards he slept on my bed while I was sitting next to him studying.

After an h of studying I checked on the time. Ok, we still have 50min before my parents will come back. But just in case I should wake him up, shouldn’t I? I looked Baek-hyun’s way and saw him still sleeping.  I can’t wake him up. He’s too cute when he’s sleeping…The cutest dwarf I have ever seen before. MY dwarf. The next time when I faced him, his eyes were open. “You’re awake, dear.” “Yes, I am. Do I need to go now?” I just nodded sadly before I saw him standing up and getting dressed. “So I will leave now, Chan-yeol” “Take care, dear. We will see each other tomorrow, okay?” He nodded happily and kissed me gently “You, too. And of course we will see each other tomorrow. We have dance practice tomorrow so you will be late again.” I laughed. I really didn’t like dancing that much, but I loved listening to his voice so it was a great consolation prize after a bad and embarrassing dancing-session. Before he was able to leave the front door I have him a long “I-love-you-and-I-will-miss-you-kiss” like I was used to. Then he had to go.

I slept deeply when I suddenly heard a strange sound. It sounded like something shattered and then I realized, that it wasn’t in my dream. I opened my eyes and rubbed them. The days before I wasn’t able to sleep much or well, because we had examinations for singing and dancing. Singing was kind of difficult for me because I preferred rapping but I was able to meet a new friend. His name was Kim Jong-dae and he had a fantastic voice. We prepared a duet together – because we were told to – and then passed together. But dancing was horrible. I was one of the last ones and already saw the incredible moves the other trainees had done before. Most impressive were Kim Jong-in and Oh Sehun. They were both really young but theirs moves were on time, perfect and fluent. After I had seen them I felt even worse but Jong-dae told me that he wasn’t good at dancing either, so I started to accept the fact that we had to impressive with something else.

“Noona, what are you doing here? That’s my room and I told you to stay out of it…are you listening?” I stood up from my bed and walked towards her. When I stood behind her I realized why she didn’t listen to me at all. I pried the picture Baek-hyun has given to me out of her hands and hided it behind my back. “You have stolen my boyfriend?!” I defensively put my arms in front of me to keep her away. “Hey, listen…it’s not like that…I didn’t steal him, I promise.” “Then why are you dating my ex-boyfriend now?!” “Because…because I felt for him and still do, okay? And he told me he loves me, too…so we decided to date each other. I’m really sorry that he was your boyfriend…but no one of us can change his feelings, can he?” Even though my arms were between us she managed to push me back. I almost lost my sense of balance because of her strong push. “You’re telling me that you can’t change your feelings? Then how did you change his feelings?!” “Yu-ra…I really didn’t mean to…please, calm down, I’m your dongsaeng!” “NOT ANYMORE!!!” Before I was able to answer anything she ran out of my room. I tried to follow her but I was too late. Then I dashed the picture against the wall and broke down crying.

You caused trouble to your sister, Park Chan-yeol. You’re the worst brother on this earth. How could you take her boyfriend and make him yours? Have you done it because you wanted to have what your sister has? When you were younger you already were like this…jealous, dissatisfied, engaging…And you can’t bring Byun Baek-hyun happiness either. You know this, don’t you? What will people think of you, when they find out, that you guys are dating each other? They won’t cherish you, they won’t accept it without making snide remarks. Didn’t you think of it earlier? Was it necessary to hurt your sister, to lie to your family, to risk the reputation of Byun Baek-hyun? Do you really think you can be happy like this? Don’t you have feelings of guilt? You’re definitely the worst, Park Chan-yeol.

I jumped awake bathed in perspiration and breathed heavily. This was the worst dream in my life. Why did I have to dream this now? It was already worse enough that my sister didn’t talk to me for 1 months already. That was just a dream….don’t cry…don’t cry! But it was already too late. The tears rolled down my cheeks while I sobbed. I lied down on my bed again and pressed my cuddly toy against my chest. It was a present of another new-made-friend whose name is Kim Joon-myeon. He was from Seoul as well, older and Trainee for a long time already. When he handed the cuddly toy to me he said “When you will be an Idol, you will be away from your family and your friends. If you feel lonely you can cuddle him and he will make you feel less lonely. I hope it will help you, dongsaeng.” When I thought about him a small smile was shown on my wet face. Thinking of my new friends comforted me and I was able to fall asleep again. Thank you, hyung…Thank you, dongsaeng.

“Chan-yeol…what do you want to tell us?” my mother asked. I looked to my sister and then to the rest of my family. All were sitting together in the living room and my heart beat like crazy. Now or never. I went into the kitchen, took Baek-hyun’s hand and pulled him gently into the living room with the beautiful Christmas tree. There were still 3 days left until Christmas but we already decorated the tree together this morning. Yu-ra lifter her head and looked at us. She was the only one here, who knew about us, but I decided that it was time to tell everyone. Maybe I wanted to tell it so desperately because I wanted everything to be like it was before. I wanted to have my caring sister back, who will protect me - doesn’t matter when, where and why. But right now she wasn’t able to because she promised me to keep our relationship a secret:

- 2 months earlier -
“Please, noona…stop ignoring me. I already told you so often that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to steal him…I just wanted to be with the one I loved.” “I know this, fool. And I accepted the fact that Baek-hyun left me because of you…but don’t look at me like this, okay? It’s not your fault. He wasn’t in love with me anymore before you met him so you didn’t do anything wrong. I feel great having a brother like you…you kept it a secret because you didn’t want to hurt me, didn’t you?” I hugged her. “Of course! Please don’t hate me, noona.” She laid her arms around me and gently stoked my back “I will never hate you, dongsaeng…but promise me you will tell our parents about your relationship, okay?” “I will…but for now keep it a secret, okay?” She nodded. “Thank you…I love you, noona.” “I love you too, dongsaeng.”

“That’s Byun Baek-hyun and he’s my boyfriend.” Silence everywhere. The only sound, which was heard, was the ticking of the clock. Tick Tack Tick Tack Tick Tack. It felt as I heard the sound 1000 times until finally someone managed to find his voice. “Isn’t he…the ex-boyfriend of your sister, Chan-yeol?” I looked at my father and nodded “He used to be my sister’s boyfriend…but they broke up a long time ago…” “Are you kidding me?! You always only dated GIRLS and now you tell us, you’re dating the ex-BOYFRIEND of your sister?! You've gotta be ing kidding me!” I didn’t response to my mother. She was always quiet, never offended anyone…but now…she was mad at me. Incredible mad.

Baek-hyun grabbed my hand and fast pulled me out of the house. I heard my mother screaming after us but we were running too fast. After 10minutes we stopped in the park and I immediately started crying while Baek-hyun tried to calm me down but he wasn’t able to. Finally I broke down crying in his arms.

 

To be continued