|Let Her Go|

“You are still putting too much pressure…” Kim Bum smiled sweetly, looking at the angelic lady who was teaching little children ceramic art.

“Sunbae…” The angelic lady heard his comment and turned to look at him.

After all these years, she had never changed. That same sweet smile which allured him, the sparkling eyes which were always hopeful and those cheeks which he wanted to pinch so hard… Emotions overwhelmed him as he looked at her, and only her. However, his smile remained.

“Teacher, is that your boyfriend?”

“Teacher, is he the one who you said will come back for you after 5 years?”

“Teacher, he is handsome!”

The children were crowding around the angelic lady and bombarding her with questions. Kim Bum chuckled as he watched these children flocked to her. She maintained her smile though her cheeks were evidently more flushed than before. She gave him a glance and he nodded his head in agreement. He was glad that they were still able to communicate via such body language. He would wait for her outside until her lessons officially ended.

“If the ability to communicate via such body language did not change, will the same feelings remain?” Kim Bum wondered. He had not contacted So Eun for these 5 years and had been worried that she might not wait for him. He did not explicitly ask her to wait though he really wished for her to do so.

The lack of communication was a challenge he set for himself. He was worried that his feelings for her might be temporal, and she was the person he would never want to hurt in any single way. Distance and space were ingredients in his attempt to figure out his feelings. Additionally, he wanted to complete his studies as soon as possible. The studies were not easy and he did not want to show So Eun any more weak sides of him. He wanted to prove himself. Yes, he knew this might sound childish but he still wished to maintain his ego, somehow.

During these years, it was torturous. The academic stress was definitely present, but Kim Bum found himself missing So Eun so much. Each year, during his birthday, he would wish that he could meet So Eun. He wanted to see her smile, bicker with her, to hug her and even finish off that kiss which they almost had had in his studio back then. Each time, however, he controlled his desires and urges; merely browsing through the limited photographs that they had, and replaying the memories of the scarce times they spent together. He chose to kept his emotions to himself, and continued to not communicate with anyone in Seoul, for the fear that he still might not be ready, he still might not be the best man for So Eun yet.

“Sunbae!” Her call made him come back to reality.

So Eun called out loudly with a bright smile. He was back! After these years, he was still as charming as ever, or perhaps, even more charming than before. His hair was combed differently with style, and he exuded a cool sense of confidence which was not just playboy-style but also with a new intellectual impression. While he still looked suave as before, his posture seemed to suggest a different aura. So Eun smiled to herself; the years of studying alone abroad did have subtle yet distinct effects.

“So Eun, I kept my promise. You are the first person I am meeting.” Kim Bum grinned, but trying to keep his tone as calm as possible, though he was really excited to see her.

So Eun blushed and lowered her head slightly, with strands of her long hair sliding off her ears, and covering her face. “Thank you, Sunbae!”

Kim Bum raised his fingers to brush her hair back into place and replied, “My pleasure”. His sincerity could be heard and felt by So Eun. He really did mean that meeting her was his pleasure. So Eun smiled to herself, but yet she felt guilt slowly engulfing her from within.

“So Eun, you have to keep it up!” So Eun motivated herself.

“Sunbae, how about we call the rest of them out for dinner? Afterall, you did not bother to contact anyone for these five years!” So Eun pouted.

Kim Bum pinched her cheeks playfully and laughed. He missed seeing her pout or her angry face. He remembered their bickering and how she loved to take photographs of herself. He realized the depth of his true feelings. “Sure, madam! Your wish is my command!” he replied and saluted So Eun.

His actions made So Eun chortle. “Sunbae, I thought you have developed into a wiser and more mature man. Looks like you are still a boy!”

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?” Kim Bum retorted, pretending to be angry, widening his eyes and putting his hands on his waist.

So Eun saw what he did and laughed even harder. After moments of laughing and small talk, Kim Bum dropped So Eun off at her house and prepared himself for the reunion dinner later. Also, he prepared a small gift for So Eun. He was going to confess to her tonight. After the small talk, he was determined to keep So Eun by his side. However, he failed to realize that he did not ask if she was going out with anyone…

“Yo Kim Bum! You are back!” Kim Joon saw Kim Bum and gave him a friendly hug. It had been five years since they had met.

“Hi brother!” Kim Bum smiled and gave a pat on Kim Joon’s back.

“Looks like you have great fun over there!” Hyun Joong chirped and stepped forward to welcome his friend back. They were now in an empty restaurant. Lee Min Ho had booked the restaurant upon hearing that Kim Bum was back and they were going to have a reunion dinner.

“Hyun Joong, I missed you!” Kim Bum gave a hearty laugh and pulled Hyun Joong into an embrace as well.

“It is surprising to hear such a comment from you.” Goo Hye Sun appeared, hooking arms with Lee Min Ho who was fussing over how Hye Sun should have worn a less revealing dress.

“This dress is too revealing, too low-cut. Why did you choose such a deep V-cut and high slit dress?” Min Ho continued to ramble on. Hye Sun just shook her head in disbelief. “Min Ho, please say hello to your long-time-no-see friend!”

“Kim Bum!” Min Ho immediately stepped forth to hug Kim Bum.

“Looks like the cockiest man on Earth has been tamed, too tamed…” Kim Bum whispered in Min Ho’s ears. Min Ho then sent Kim Bum a light punch in his stomach.

“I am tamed because I choose to be tamed by this tigress woman who happened to be the love of my life.” Min Ho replied mushily, making Hye Sun blush (probably due to embarrassment as well). The other three men pretended to shiver.

They went on to sit and waited for So Eun who messaged Hye Sun that she would be late.

“It has been such a long time since we have all met…” Kim Joon commented with nostalgia.

“Right, the last time we met was two years ago…” Hyun Joong continued.

“What? All of you didn’t meet for two years?” Kim Bum was startled.

All of them nodded their heads and Hye Sun added on, “we were all too busy with our own lives. What we did was exchanging greetings during festivals and birthdays. So Eun and I always planned to go shopping but our schedules never seem to allow us to do so.”

“Even you and So Eun are not in contact much?” This really shocked Kim Bum. Afterall Hye Sun and So Eun were such close friends back then.

“Lives as adults are not fun, especially when you have to deal with men drooling over your wife.” Min Ho sighed and shook his head. His comment caused an outburst in laughter among the rest.

“What is so funny? This is true! You guys will understand it, assuming you get yourselves gorgeous wives!” Min Ho grumbled.

Min Ho’s comment made them laugh again and in fact, it prompted Kim Bum to imagine such a situation with him and So Eun. Would he be as overly-protective? Would he be grumbling like Min Ho? All he knew was that he would not mind such grumbling. If he were to have So Eun as his wife, he would be the happiest man ever.

“Sorry, I am late!” So Eun opened the door and announced her arrival with her apology. Wearing a white crotchet babydoll dress, So Eun looked like an angel who had fallen onto Earth, barging into the restaurant somehow clumsily but yet still retained her graceful composure. She was barging right into Kim Bum’s heart as well.

“You have finally arrived! We can all start eating now!” Kim Joon cheered as So Eun settled into her seat, opposite Hye Sun and besides Kim Bum.

As dinner commenced, the six of them continued to laugh and eat heartily. Kim Bum took servings of the different dishes and placed them on So Eun’s plate, inviting teasing from the rest and a blushing So Eun. Kim Bum brushed off the teasing and started offering Kim Joon and Hyun Joong some food as well.

At the end of dinner, the six of them poured six glasses of wine and cheered. After drinking, So Eun seemed to find courage. She cleared and then declared, “I have something to announce…”

The other five turned to look at her and she suddenly felt a little dizzy. She shook her head and braced herself once more. She had to do this.

“I am getting married.”

These four words loomed. Kim Joon’s jaws dropped, Hye Sun tightened her grip on her glass of wine while Min Ho tightened his grip on Hye Sun’s shoulder. Hyun Joong maintained his poker face but his eyes revealed his surprise. Kim Bum held his breath and stared right into So Eun’s eyes.

“To who?”It drained Kim Bum to just say these two words.

“He is a volunteer who helps to bring some children for the ceramic art classes. His name is Jun Ho.” So Eun answered, her eyes looking right back into Kim Bum’s.

“How long have you two been dating?” Hye Sun popped the question. Kim Bum was glad that Hye Sun was probing into this as well. His heart had shattered. His hopes of having So Eun as his girlfriend, as his wife were gone. She was going to be another man’s wife. He placed his glass of wine back onto the table and moved his hands into his pockets. He caressed the gift box in his right pocket with his fingers. The despair and sorrow were swallowing him.

“One and a half year, but we have known each other for a year before we started dating…” So Eun steadied herself, turning to face Hye Sun instead. “Sorry for breaking this news so suddenly and sorry for not telling this to anyone of you. I was hoping to invite all of you to my house this Christmas and to formally introduce him to all of you. What I did not expect was Jun Ho’s proposal earlier this week and Kim Bum’s return today…”

Her apologetic tone stabbed Kim Bum even harder. All those smiles earlier… She was feeling guilty. She was merely welcoming him back as an ordinary friend.

Everyone was now looking at Kim Bum. Was he still in love with So Eun? Had he ever been in love genuinely with So Eun? These were the questions that they had in their mind.

“Do you love him?”Kim Bum asked, aware of all his friends’ glances.

So Eun bit her lower lip and clasped her hands tightly together. She tilted her head and looked at Kim Bum in the eyes, and then she nodded her head firmly.

Tears were in Kim Bum’s eyes but he was a man of great self-control. He put up a smile and replied, “Congratulations! I guessed you had really found your soulmate!” He then started clapping. The rest of them started clapping and congratulating So Eun as well.

So Eun merely smiled and accepted their well wishes.

“Are you really fine?” Hyun Joong and Kim Joon asked Kim Bum as Hye Sun pulled So Eun to talk privately at another side of the restaurant.

Kim Bum nodded his head. “Of course! Why would I be not fine?” Kim Bum raised his eyebrows questioningly.

The others knew they would not be able to get truthful confessions from Kim Bum. Afterall, Kim Bum had never admitted to them that he was genuinely in love with So Eun as well.

“Whatever it is, you have to be a man and let go. You have to be a man and wish her happiness.” Hyun Joong concluded while sipping his red wine.

“I disagree. You can also be a man and try to snatch her!” Min Ho argued.

Everyone just shook their heads. “If her heart is somewhere else, force is not going to get you anywhere. Trust me,” Kim Joon added on sadly, thinking about his affairs with a woman, or to be exact, Min Ho’s ex-fiancée.

“So Eun, you…” Hye Sun did not know how to approach So Eun.

“I love Junho and I am really happy to become his wife. As for Kim Bum, I loved him too, but that was in the past. Hye Sun, I waited for him. I waited for any form of contact for three years. I did try my best to contact him as well but he just was not there. And Junho was there. This made all the difference.” So Eun answered Hye Sun, knowing what she wanted to ask.

“He came back to see you first, didn’t he?”Hye Sun piped.

So Eun nodded her head and continued, “I was really happy to see him. I was really happy to know that he had really kept his promise. But, this is too late and his return does not necessarily mean we are going to get together. His return while significant is now a sense of closure to me…” So Eun took a deep breath before continuing, “I always believed that Sunbae is my one true love and soulmate, until I met Junho. I realized that one can love people differently, and sometimes, love is not an emotion, but a choice.”

“But love as a choice, doesn’t it sound illogical? If you love, it means you love. Isn’t it the feeling that overwhelms you?” Hye Sun could not understand how her idealistic and romantic friend had changed this much.

“Hye Sun, you are a very lucky person to have met the person you loved, be it in the emotional way or by choice. And the person loves you back and chooses to treat you well. In real life, people meet people who they love in the terms of emotions, but such blinding emotions are not the basis of sustainable relationships. Relationships require people to make the choices to commit, to communicate, to tolerate. Love as the emotion can be developed and deepened, with greater care and concern. Love as the emotion is an additional bonus. After teaching the children and meeting the parents, I have learnt and developed a different mindset.” So Eun paused, allowing Hye Sun to digest her words. Her idealistic perceptions of love had given way to a much more realistic one. She was not saying that the idealistic form was bad.It was just that her way of life now was more compatible with the realistic perception of love.

“I loved Sunbae in the emotional way, and I am really glad to have been able to done so in my earlier days. Afterall, not many people can get to meet people who they love that deeply in the emotional terms and I never regretted putting in my best to woo him. Love is too loosely used nowadays by people. The true deep emotional connection is hard to come by. However, the choice to love has its basis on the mutual likings of people. I have joined Junho on his volunteering, helping fragmented families and those children… I love Junho and I want to be married to him. This is both a choice and also an emotion. Maybe the emotional connection was not as deep and strong as that to Sunbae back then, but Junho has chosen to commit and I will want to do so as well.”

Tears rolled down Hye Sun’s cheeks. She could understand where So Eun was coming from, and there was no fault in what So Eun was saying. People merely lived differently and viewed things differently. So Eun was right, she had been exceptionally lucky to have met Min Ho and that their feelings were mutual and they both willingly made the choice to commit. Hye Sun pulled So Eun into a tight embrace, “Just be happy. I didn’t realize you have grown so much.”

So Eun smiled as tears went down her cheeks as well, “Try waiting three years in vain and meeting someone else who cares so much. Meeting all these families and children… But yes, I am happy and I will be even happier in the future.”

When the two women stepped out from the secluded corner in the restaurant, they found a tipsy Min Ho and Kim Bum who was tending to him. “Kim Joon and Hyun Joong left.”

They nodded their heads and So Eun wondered if this was a deliberate attempt to allow her and Kim Bum some private time. As expected, Hye Sun left with Min Ho and Kim Bum was to drive So Eun home.

“You don’t have to drive me home. I can call Junho to do so.” So Eun told Kim Bum after seeing Hye Sun and Min Ho leave.

“Let me do it. You and I both know I need to do this…” Kim Bum answered firmly though his voice wavered slightly. He opened the car door for So Eun and she stepped in.

Kim Bum and So Eun both remained silent. Kim Bum was not starting the car.

“Sunbae, are you alright?” So Eun decided to initiate the conversation.

“Why do you ask this question?”Bum answered with a question.

“Sunbae… I…” So Eun stammered. It was much easier confiding in Hye Sun than Kim Bum. After these years, she did still have feelings for him. However, these feelings were no longer as deep as before.

“So Eun, be happy.” Kim Bum could only muster these words. He did not know what to say. He knew what he wished she would say. He wished she would say the previous announcement was a joke. It was merely to test their reactions and to test if he loved her. True, he wanted some answers. He wanted to know how she had met another man, and how her feelings could have changed. During these five years, his feelings for her intensified. Why was the situation different for her? What had he missed out? Was he being selfish when he refused to contact her?

“Sunbae, I am happy and I will be happier.”So Eun replied. This answer hurt Kim Bum even more. She could be happier without him.

“That is great to hear!” Kim Bum gritted his teeth. So Eun sighed. Deep within her heart, she was still hoping for some confession from him. Silly her. She had made her choice and yet she was still hanging on to some impossible hope. So what if he confessed he loved her? Would she choose to forsake Junho, the man who had been there for her throughout these years? Junho was indispensable to her now. Tears welled up in her eyes.

Kim Bum gripped the steering wheel. He was not ready to drive. He was not ready to return to such news. She was getting married to another man. This was not what he had pictured in his mind. The gift box sat uncomfortably in his pocket.

“Sunbae, have you ever loved me?” So Eun chuckled at her childish act of asking such a question. What was the use now? However, like those women in the dramas, she really wanted to know the answer to this question.

Kim Bum bit his lower lip. What was he supposed to answer? I loved you and I still love you, but you are getting married? How about eloping with me right now? Kim Bum could not find any appropriate answers. He could not bring himself to lie or tell her the truth. So Eun was staring at him, waiting for his reply.

He shrugged his shoulders. His act hurt So Eun.

“Sunbae, I did love you. I did wait for you and I wanted to wait for your return. However, it was really hard. Did you know how many emails I have sent you over the first three years? Did you know how torturous it is to refresh the pages so often? You were so cruel to not reply anything. Perhaps, you did not even read those emails. Sunbae, how could you?” So Eun burst into tears.

“So Eun… I…”He finally turned to face her properly. She was crying so hard. Indeed, he had not read any emails as he was determined to isolate himself from her.

He placed his arms around her and hugged her tightly. “I love you. I did and I still do. But it is too late, isn’t it? I wanted to make sure the feelings I had for you were real and true. You are the last person I want to hurt in any way.” Kim Bum confessed, with tears.

“Sunbae, thank you. I just needed to know. Thank you for keeping your promise. Thank you for loving me. I am sorry. I am sorry.” So Eun apologized.

Kim Bum’s heart hurt so much. Her apologies signaled the end. He shut his eyes and tightened his grip around her.

Eventually, Kim Bum started the car engine. He mocked himself. The starting of engine to send So Eun off also seemed to symbolize that he had to let her, drop her at her destination while he had to continue moving on alone. So Eun switched on the player in the car to allow the music to serenade both of them. They needed the music to cover up the silence. They both had their reasons for their actions, and these led them to different paths. So Eun did not feel any regret, whereas Kim Bum felt really regretful. So Eun was right. She did wait for him and there were so many opportunities for him to actually call her, to provide her with some assurance, to show her some love, but he did not. She had always been trying, while he did not. He was afraid. And now, it was too late.

“Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,

Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only head the road when you're missing home.

Only know you love her when you let her go,

And you let her go.

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch slowly dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only head the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause the Love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only head the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go ooooh ooooh

And you let her go

ooooh ooooh

Well you let her go

ooooh ooooh

Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only head the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only head the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go”

The song played clearly, as if echoing his thoughts and feelings. He exhaled slowly. Indeed, he let her go. So Eun listened to the song and wondered what Kim Bum would be feeling.

Soon, they reached.

“Sunbae,” So Eun called and Kim Bum faced her.

“Sunbae, thank you for driving me home.”

“You are welcome.”

“Sunbae, when you love a girl next time, do tell her so. You are deserving of love. Don’t be afraid. Don’t retreat because you are unsure. Initiate asking her out on dates and conversing more with her. Our missed opportunity may be a lesson to both of us, in different ways. I love you, Sunbae. I hope you will be happier as well!” So Eun ended it with a gentle kiss on Kim Bum’s lips.

“Goodbye Sunbae.”

With that, So Eun opened the car door and stepped out. She did not turn to wave, but merely walked straight up, into the block.

Kim Bum watched her. As her back disappeared from his sight, he let his tears fall out. He cried hard. “So Eun…goodbye…”

-

END

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4365 words. It has been long since I have typed a one-shot fanfic. YAY.

IT IS DONE.

Do drop me comments please!

Hope you all enjoy reading thisJ

Acknowledgements:

Lyrics copied and pasted from: http://www.metrolyrics.com/let-her-go-lyrics-passenger.html

cheers.

th1rd3ye/crunch/th1rd3yecrunch