I don’t think it’s ever occurred to me what it’s like to fall completely and head over heels in love with someone. So when it happens, I’m naturally left overwhelmed and desperately seeking for something to keep me rooted.

I don’t think our relationship was orthodox. We were two kids stuck somewhere between the phase of teenagers and grown ups, still struggling to look for ourselves. It’s funny how we ended up finding each other.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I loved him. He was a simple person, never one for the luxuries. We met sometime before our debut and even though we weren’t the best of friends since the start, we warmed up to each other and we stuck to each other by the time we disbanded several years later. I think it came as a shock to most people how quickly we disbanded, considering how insanely popular we were at that time. I don’t know what was the actual reason, but after Lee Soo Man fell very ill, I heard that our company started to lose funds. Somewhere along the line, things changed. Windows of opportunities open, but they close too.

I don’t think it would’ve made a difference anyway. Baekhyun fell into depression a year or so after we disbanded. He told me he could no longer look into my eyes without hearing the screams from the fans, or the glow of a million lightsticks dancing in the darkness. He begs me for a second chance even though he knows I can’t give him one. Our relationship was very much unstable at that time as Baekhyun slowly lost himself. I found that I could no longer hold onto this boy (he’s a man now), whose eyes were lackluster and face sallow. He was slipping right through my fingers like fine sand. No matter how hard I tried to hold on, the waves dragged him into the swirling waters. As the days passed by, it occurred to me that I no longer knew this boy. I loved him, but I was terrified. Baekhyun became so foreign that it nearly feels like a necessity to address him “Byun Baekhyun ssi” instead of the usual “babe”.

I don’t think I should’ve left him, but still, I eventually did. We stopped making love because he wasn’t all right. Despite me trying to persuade him, he refused to see a therapist. I wanted to tell him so many things, that he could still sing for a living, but I don’t think he could’ve heard anyway.  I hear him whimpering in bed one night, his fingers knotted in the sheets. He’s trembling, but not from the cold. I hear him calling out my name, “Channie” and I cringe a little. We’ve grown apart so much in the past months. I place a chaste kiss on his lips as I head out for a drink. I can’t remember the exact details, but I know that I was mad and upset when I returned home that day. I felt useless for not being able to help him, upset that he didn’t want to help himself, tired because he made me feel entirely unwanted. I was mentally exhausted and ually frustrated. I wasn’t sure what sparked the fire, but something did, because I stormed out of the house that very night with my luggage in tow.

I don’t think I should’ve gotten mad at him. Even so, I did not apologise and we lost contact for a bit. I tried my best to forget him, but he lingered in every part of my mind and I saw him in all the corners of my new apartment even though he’s never been there. I smell him in the morning air and feel him all over my sheets. Then again, pride is a huge thing. I couldn’t crawl back to him when he was the one who left in the first place. I couldn’t love a man who was digging his own grave.

I don’t think I truly understood his condition. He was so upset, so saddened and entirely depressed. I, out of everyone should’ve known better. I should’ve helped him, should’ve saved him. I think it’s only after I got my annual medical report that I started to understand just a little bit of what sadness is, but that was nothing compared to his depression. I don’t know what fuelled me to do so, but I visited him that evening. His hair was falling out and the place was in a mess. I wanted to tell him I missed him but I don’t think I knew how. The words died at the tip of my tongue as I saw what a mess he had become.

I don’t think I should’ve told him about my medical report. I should’ve noticed the sudden spark in his eyes. Many years ago, Yixing required a kidney transplant. Only Baekhyun and I were suitable donors but since I was out of town at that point in time, Yixing received Baekhyun’s kidney. “You should take care of yourself, Baekhyun,” I told him as I left the house that evening. “I will,” he half smiled and that was the closest I’ve ever seen him to happy in a long while. What I didn’t know was that I gave him a reason to die.

I don’t think he should’ve done what he did. But he did it anyway. I think it was only mere hours after I left that he did it. He asked his mom to visit him. By the time she arrived, he had already pulled the trigger. The doctors called me later that evening to tell me that they’ve found a suitable donor. “We can arrange to do the heart transplant whenever you’re ready.”

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to compensate. He left a note alongside the gun.

“ Dear Channie,

Some might think that you came to me on purpose to tell me about your illness. I know that’s not it. Don’t blame yourself for this. You know I love you right? Even after all this while, even as I sank into an abyss of darkness, I still love you. I don’t think anything’s ever going to change that. If it’s possible, I’ll still love you when I close my eyes for the last time tonight. You gave me a reason to die without regrets. I’ve been wanting to for a long time, but I could never leave without seeing you for the last time. Tonight was more than enough for me and it’s everything I’ve ever wished for. I’m giving you a reason to live, Chanyeol. Take my heart, feel things you’ve never felt before when you’re with me, visit places you’ve never seen, meet people you’ve never met. Say hello to that beautiful lady by the street, follow my heart—it’s yours now. I still love you. I know I haven’t been what you’ve wanted but you’re all that I’ll ever need. I know things were hard for the both of us. I know I completely shut you out of my life. I know nothing I do will ever make up for that, but I can only hope that you’ll try to understand. Enough of sadness, I’ve had plenty of that for the past months. You gave me hope today. Thanks for the beautiful memories and continue creating them with others. This is my last gift to you. Inhale, my heart still beats for you.

Love,

Baek”

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for leaving.

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again, and it only occurs to me, now, how Baekhyun must’ve felt when EXO disbanded—when what you hold so dearly gets ripped out of your grasp. When what you once loved, and still do, disintegrates into thin air.

Baekhyun, come back. I can live with a failing heart, but not without you.